Can we have a thread for those of us who are daughters with difficult mothers?

[PinkyofPie]

Been thinking about starting this thread for a while.

My mother is a difficult and sometimes toxic woman and we have a strained relationship.

I think IRL there's not enough people around like me, all my friends are best friends with their mums. My mum recently moved back to the area and all I get is "oh I bet you're so happy". Actually, no, her being closer is awful if I'm honest.

There's so much to my relationship with her, too much for an OP.

A huge bone of contention is that she knows about a family member sexually harassing me quite badly through my teens (I've posted details in another name). I'm talking flashing, suggestive language and grabbing me now and again when no one was looking. I have told her the details. This person is still very much in her life, she bigs him up to anyone who listens and can't understand why I despise him and won't be near him. She minimised his behaviour massively and We Don't Talk About It.

She also made comments along the lines of "well did you lead him on?" yes mum, I was 16 and he was 55, I was gagging for it with a relative.

being in her presence is very tiring. She has no friends so I feel pressured to see her now she's back near me. I met her today, and I am drained. I always feel like I've done something wrong, she's in a constant mood. Everything is crap, she hates any food we eat, complains about people nearby and won't look for the good in anything. Where she lived before was so much better apparently. Spending just a few hours round that negativity is exhausting.

The funny thing is she makes out to others like we extremely close. A daughter of her friend - who I had just met that night - once said to me "I'm so jealous about the bond you and your mum have"

Anyway I know MN has lots of people who feel the same so thought I would start by having a place for us long suffering daughters to share, moan, vent and generally get everything out into the open!

thanks Attila, that was really helpful to hear. I've been so tied up in trying to be fair and reasonable that I couldn't see it. I know my dad will probably want him to go to their house, but only because he's old enough to be useful and he's really good at woodwork. Fortunately he's also fairly easily distracted, so I'll try keeping him busy for a few days and see how it goes.

I have a day off today, I take one once every 6 weeks or so when DD is in nursery just to run errands but mainly have some 'me time'. After dropping DD off I went to fix a lock in her flat that was broken, I said I'd do it a while ago as it's just a 2 minute job and went first thing so I could enjoy the rest of the day.

I was saying a mantra to myself in the car "I will only spend 10 minutes there, I will only spend 10 minutes there".

When I got there I sorted the lock in about 30 seconds and then she told me about a falling out she's had with my (lovely) grandad (her dad). He lives nearby and is 83, saw him yesterday so I knew about it (but didn't tell mum I knew).

So he told me that his DB and SIL popped over so he rang mum to say "Aunty X and Uncle Y are here if you fancy popping over and see them?" as she hasn't seen them since moving back a month ago. He said she blew up, saying he had no right to tell people she'd moved back to town. He didn't realise it was a secret (nor did I!) and apologised but she started calling him a nasty gossip and a shit stirrer. So he hung up on her and is leaving it a few days to let he dust settle, as he know what she's like and does this often to him.

Anyway, mum told me the same story, I said I have also told people she's moved back as I didn't realise it was a secret. She then burst into tears and said "what have I ever done to deserve this life, I had a mother who hated me and a dad who's an arsehole, why me?" And then what she always says "I'm a good person I don't deserve this". (Forgot to mention she had a bad relationship with her own mum who passed away a few years ago, I never saw anything bad myself but then again lots of people don't between me and my mum either).

She came and threw her arms round me sobbing on my shoulder. I thought 'I know this feeling, I'm now her emotional crutch'.

To anyone else this sounds nasty but I hope you lot understand - I thought 'I am not spending my rare day off rubbing her back and listening to her emotional bullshit. I AM leaving in 3 minutes'. If I didn't think like that, it would be me and her the whole day, back to square one with her upsetting and draining me.

The worst part is I grew up with a sexual abuser and an alcoholic, and she genuinely thinks her experience is worst than anyone's in the world.

I'm really proud that I then told her "I hope you're ok mum, give grandad a call and talk it through (she refuses, pride is too important) but I have things to do today and have to go".

She asked if she could spend the day off with me ("I'm really down right now"), I said no sorry I'm too busy. She said "tell me what you're busy with then". I said "stuff".

I left. I was there 12 minutes. I am proud of myself. I am racked with guilt, probably because she's spent my whole life telling me I need to put her first with everything and it's a natural default feeling. But I had to say it, I had to leave. If I don't, that will be my entire life.

Again if I told anyone else this they'd think I was a prize bitch for leaving a sobbing woman on her own, but I am trying to make a change and if I don't go full force cold on her my life will be a misery.

Well done Pink I find myself doing that now - setting a time that I will leave by Tomorrow I will have to (try) and spend slightly longer with her as its my dads birthday, but I'm going pop and collect something from somewhere first so hopefully won't be there too early.

I need a rant. We visited DM yesterday, she is hard work so we tend to avoid meeting too often.

She told me that she's got something for me, she'd found them in a charity shop and cleaned them up as they were all black...it was a pair of silver cups I'd bought for her and my late father as an anniversary present years ago. DC2 had to leave the room, DH had to go out for a cigarette. I have never felt so insulted or disgusted. I told her I'd bought them, she back tracked and said that she didn't want anyone else to get their hands on them (meaning my brother, divide and conquer).
I left them there. Fucking disgusting.

DH knows she's hard work but thought I exaggerated slightly, not any more. DC2 loved grandad, late DF, so took his books that were going to go to the charity shop. It's as if she's wiping him out totally.

I'm done.

So Kitty she tried returning a sentimental gift you gave her and lied about it being from a charity shop? what a total cow.

Pleased your DH has seen for himself though, I know it helps when people IRL understand how hard it is!

So Kitty she tried returning a sentimental gift you gave her and lied about it being from a charity shop?  what a total cow.

Yep! Totally can't believe it! She emailed this morning, never mentioned this issue though and assumed (wrongly) that the other two DCs didn't come as they wouldn't fit in our car...nice dig there too. I haven't replied and doubt that I will.

It grinds my gears when you have to be told how grateful you have to be to have your mother. It's ridiculous.

My mother is borderline undiagnosed
Fought an awful court battle
Ended up with supervised contact 3h a month contact centre (cafcass believed me and saw her rage/ behaviour)

Just wondered anyone else in this situ - how do you cope with the stress on a monthly basis? My therapist said its like I don't have time to heal as the stress of it is ongoing. We made contact centre rules etc.

Just really affects my confidence as a mother and makes me feel vulnerable.

Mum rang but I was busy so didn't answer
I phoned her back when convenient to me
Turns out she just wanted me to tell my mil there is a show on she might want to go to

So I very breezily said "ok I will tell her! Bye!"
I'm tempted to go out OM MY OWN tomorrow when the DC are pils - I tend to take mum somewhere usually
Sod that

Do you mean she went to court to get access to your children? Please tell me that isn't possible?

I' m in too.Not in contact with my parents currently apart from an occasional letter.I love them but have never liked them + I suspect they don't like me.I could never live up to their expectations + now I don't feel the need to do so.The whole situation is just over sad.

It grinds my gears when you have to be told how grateful you have to be to have your mother. It's ridiculous.

Yes to this. I once tried to confide in a friend and she was horrified that I didn't adore my mother. I've seen in on MN as well, "that's your mum"

Yes it is possible zippy unfortunately

Even though me and DH ( married and kids parents) said no contact she got it

Next hearing is December - she'll try and get them out of contact centre ASAP so can manipulate and emotionally abuse them in her home. It's all drama and fuel for her life long war with other people now involving my husband and children.

Bedlam that's pretty much my situation Always felt like (still do) that my Dsis is the "Golden Child" For a long time felt a worthless failure. No more. I have maintained contact because of my son, but it's limited and fits in around me now

mum962 I'm so sorry she's still able to hurt you like this. Do you know if it's only possible in England and Wales or can it be done in Scotland too?

My parents have form for using "the Authorities" to manipulate and bully me and if they found out about it they wouldn't hesitate, even though they actually aren't even that keen on my children and are very nasty to them. My parents would feel entirely justified and would absolutely see themselves as the victims and me as the abuser. They have the money to do it too. I suppose I'll just have to cross my fingers and hope it doesn't occur to them, but my blood runs cold at the thought of it.

I've spent the day with the DC just mooching about and they have been in the paddling pool this afternoon
And I'm planning on the same tomorrow

Ok here goes. I never tell people about my mum, it sounds so odd. I also find her so confusing, we can have whole years where she is lovely and then total insanity again.

Just the anecdotes from the top of my head:

Telling me I had no right to be scared and upset when my Dad had cancer (I was 11) as the same thing had happened to her father and that had been really scary .

Getting me to invite an uncle I had met once to my wedding who she knew was an alcoholic. He got drunk and punched my chief bridesmaids bf in the face. Bf was talking to a great aunt at the time (rather kindly as no one else was) so mum implied he was assaulting her and uncle had saved her - wtf! When that didn't work and bf (with my support) rang police she screamed and cried that it was so awful for her as she was the host of my wedding and then that she would be so ashamed if her friends found out and it was OK for me. In the months after this claimed to have cut contact with uncle but actually secretly meeting and chatting with him while claiming I was not entitled to be upset about a brawl at my wedding as she had organised it (partially true but not by my wish!!).

When my son was born while DH and I lived in the best rented flat we could afford at the time (not that nice), crying that I was letting them all down by not scrubbing the sink or changing the carpets!

When I needed to stay with them for two days while DH moved all our stuff to another country for work and DS was 5 weeks old forcing me to unpack all our bags and re-iron all our clothing so the Dutch wouldn't say we were "dirty" (note that is forcing a just given birth woman to iron not even doing it herself - probably doesn't need saying the clothes were clean at the start?)

When I had a threatened miscarriage telling me it might be for the best as he would have the wrong star sign.

Insisting on "checking me over" after baths aged 13-14 to "see how I was doing" in terms of puberty - makes my skin crawl.

So many more. All the "you would be so pretty if....", "you are just like me....." telling everyone how close we are etc.

The worst thing though is that I want to be nothing like her but she is my experience of a mother. Sometimes I don't know how to react with me kids and feel useless or something I say something that reminds me of her and feel evil.

oops, sorry that last post was on the wrong thread!

Insisting on "checking me over" after baths aged 13-14 to "see how I was doing" in terms of puberty

How awful!! My mum never did anything like this but never ever respected my body autonomy as a teen, we didn't have a lock on the bathroom door and she'd come in to put towels in. When I objected she rolled her eyes and said "for goodness sake we're all women"

That lack of privacy makes me feel ill. My Mum went through my diary, highlighting and annotating parts then put the diary back where she'd found it, for me to find the next time I went to write in it.

I can still feel the rising cold as I realised what she'd done. I was 11.

My brother has recently got back in touch with my mother. But bless him he said he feels so guilty like he is betraying me. Because I've always been there for him..he told my mother that she should make amends with me. I have told him he is not betraying me..if he wishes to have contact with her it's fine with me. He won't however have his children come near her as he fears them being hurt when she goes off on one again and cuts them off. It's confusing for them..as one minute they have a nan and next minute they don't
Tbh I'm not sure how I would respond if she did try to make amends with me, because I've been without for so long now and she has said some horrible unforgiveable things about my children. I'm fairly sure I will never be able to forgive how she split the family and stopped siblings and cousins being in contact with each other. Aibu?? Should I forgive?

BITCAT did she forgive and forget and heal old feuds? My mum split the family for a good 10 years and made no effort to sort it. When it did calm down after a series of deaths and births she acts like everyone came to their senses and apologised (not remotely what happened).

I think feeling like a heartless bitch is part of the plan. Imagine if it was a husband and not a mother belittling, abusing and battering you, cutting you off from the outside world and keepibg a side just you knew. Wouldn't be encouraged to maintain that relationship.

But don't listen to me. I spent all day at my mothers with ds in tow being convinced I shouldn't tell anyone I was going to college cause people will think it's weird. I am the biggest hypocrite, telling everyone else to run a mile and totally avoiding the confrontation myself.

No she has never admitted any wrong doing. It's always someone's else's fault. She denies that she wished my ds1 dead but she said it down the phone to me..That's not something I just imagined.
She took my whole family away from me and denied my children family that's so important to me with my children. I will always keep my family together I will never ignore my grandkids no matter how I dislike my child's partner..I will be civil and look past it because they are my children my family. And I love them unconditionally something my mother would never do..there are always conditions with my mother.

It's really hard to forgive something that's still going on. Also, forgiveness isn't really the point because that makes it more about her. It's more important to work on minimising the impact on you. If you can do that then forgiveness may follow, or may not.
The way I'm starting to think if it is that I didn't blame Tam The Ram for attacking me and the kids when he escaped from his field. He can't help it, it's in his nature. But I still "sent him to live on another farm" to stop it from happening again. I'm not suggesting you slaughter your mother, obviously! My mother just doesn't have it in her to behave the way I want her to, or not towards me anyway- she's fine with my sisters although she seems to only be able to treat one child well at a time.
It isn't even about moral right or wrong. It's more like a shoe cull- you keep what is comfortable or beautiful and cull the pinching, ugly or unsafe pairs. Forgiveness doesn't deserve the headspace unless you want a relationship with her and it doesn't sound like you do.

Oh goodness me yes tiggy, the constant invasions of privacy. I'm sure it's why I am now incredibly territorial about my space, my stuff. Like, Siberian tiger territorial. Even where it really shouldn't matter.