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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I've ended my marriage and i didnt want too.

143 replies

ivemessedup · 09/08/2016 08:51

my husband is lovely. just lovely. but he has a temper things are generally great atm but there's been the odd moment ive felt we are slipping back into bad habits so i sent him an email saying this. this is something i do occasionally.

he came home last night and isnt really speaking to me. he said he is done caring. hes been trying really hard and cant do anymore. i dont know what will happen now. We have 2 young children and are going on holiday on Saturday. he said there is plenty i do that pisses him off, i dwell on stuff, im self obsessed (both true) and he doesnt care anymore. i should have given him space last night but im crap at this and kept following him around crying saying i loved him. he said i wanted a perfect man so good luck to me finding him.

im so scared it all over.

OP posts:
Original poster
ivemessedup · 09/08/2016 08:52

am regular but nc

OP posts:
wobblywonderwoman · 09/08/2016 08:56

Op I wonder if its better to separate if its this hard work?

If he has a temper that's not good.

Otherwise I wouldn't fight too much for him back- you must have sent the email for a genuine reason.

That said- there's no man or woman perfect and I have had to compromise a lot

WhatTheActualFugg · 09/08/2016 09:01

You sent him an email telling him you thought things were slipping? Like a school report? Even though you think he's lovely?!

Do you realise this is a bit strange?

I'm not surprised he's pissed off tbh.

If he's not packing his bags yet then don't panic yet.

But for God's sake give the man a break!! Leave him be for a few days. And don't send him any bloody emails!!

Then when you think he's ready to talk apologise profusely and promise to be less demanding! (Then be less demanding!)

Original poster
ivemessedup · 09/08/2016 09:03

he said that why am i putting it all on him now? but he is the one not wanting to talk and saying he doesn't care and im the one who wants things to stay as they are. i cant just give up. Need to try for sake of kids. There is lots that is great. We have been together all of our adult lives. He is my favourite person to spend time with and i cant imagine not being with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ivemessedup · 09/08/2016 09:06

thank you wtaf yes you are right. i promise it was a nice email and sometimes we have communicated by email when we have an issue and its something thats hard to say face to face. But yeh i do need to give him some space. im a nightmare at this tbh as i panic. i did make him breakfast and tea to take in car this morning as he had a long drive. i.know him very well and really hoping it will be ok. im not going to contact him today

OP posts:
AdelindSchade · 09/08/2016 09:06

When you say he has a temper what do you mean? What prompted the e-mail? Without knowing a bit more its difficult to judge who is being unreasonable. I mean are you self obsessed because of the way he behaves towards you?

MyKingdomForBrie · 09/08/2016 09:07

Difficult, depends on how his temper manifests. You need to give him space now though as that is what he is asking for and you need to respect that.

In the long term, work on your own faults given that you're aware of them.

Original poster
ivemessedup · 09/08/2016 09:08

he just got annoyed at the weekend and i thought he had stormed off but he said actually he had walked off to ensure that he didnt lose his temper. i thought it was like a tantrum. i hadnt realised but now i understand. im not a mind reader though.

OP posts:
pallasathena · 09/08/2016 09:09

Do you like lots of drama in your life ?

category12 · 09/08/2016 09:13

What's the difference between storming off and walking off to avoid temper? They look exactly the same.

I think you're panicking and back-pedalling on genuine concerns because of his reaction.

Original poster
ivemessedup · 09/08/2016 09:15

yes i fucked up last night not giving him space. im just worried as never before has he said he doesnt care and he's given up. but we have been through so much together and i cant see him throwing this all away. been together almost 20 years, married, kids, bereavement, lots of house moves.

OP posts:
AdelindSchade · 09/08/2016 09:15

Well if he's walking away to avoid a temper loss this is a good thing. You need to allow him to do that and not be badgering about it because of own insecurities. Easier said than done but working on own self esteem always a good idea.

mydietstartsmonday · 09/08/2016 09:15

If he hits you or threatens you, you need to leave.
If he loses his temper with frustration and it leads to a verbal argument then you can probably work it out. If it is verbal abuse then you need to decide for yourself. Only you know your marriage.

Original poster
ivemessedup · 09/08/2016 09:15

pallsthena no i dont.

OP posts:
Original poster
ivemessedup · 09/08/2016 09:17

thank you monday no.none of those things are an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
ivemessedup · 09/08/2016 09:19

i think he thinks im back pedalling.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 09/08/2016 09:21

Surely it's better that he walks away than has an explosion of bad temper?

You need to leave him be and give him some space. He'll talk when he's ready.

Original poster
ivemessedup · 09/08/2016 09:22

yeh i do. im going to give him space. just worried about holiday but i guess i need to take it one day at a time.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 09/08/2016 09:23

"Walking off to avoid losing his temper" is exactly the same as storming off.

SaggyNaggy · 09/08/2016 09:23

I always find it interesting when men "have a temper" that they oinly usually show that temper to their wives / girlfriends. Seems quite often they're perfectly capable of controlling it when surrounded by big men in the pub or whilst they're at work etc.

I sometimes wonder if this temper is used as a sort of constant threat. They expect their ohs to adapt their behaviour in case it sets them off and then they can blame their ohs for pushing them to it. Which makes their temper issue their OHs fault. This leads to a situation of a constant feeling of walking on egg shells or for the one partner to be careful what they say or what they do in case the other partner gets angry.

If that's how things are for you op then I'd suggest hes not lovely, I'd suggest that he's using his issues with his temper as a way to punish you and grind you down. After all if "things are great ATM" that means things are often bad, is that really how you want to live?

juneau · 09/08/2016 09:25

Thing is OP, your way of 'trying' is to hassle and harangue and follow him around crying and wailing at him. You say it's because you care, but seriously, do you think that's endearing and likely to get you the result you want? The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over when it gives you a result you don't want. STOP! Step back. Give him some space. And when you've done this and he can see that you're behaving reasonably perhaps suggest to him that you go to marriage counselling when you get back from holiday and see if you can thrash out your problems. But for now I'd apologise and see if you get through this holiday without any further disaster.

Lilmisskittykat · 09/08/2016 09:26

I disagree it's the same thing. Some people are more emotional than others... It's good to give someone space when they are feeling like this then come back and talk when they are calm.

It sounds like he's taking on board what you are saying about his temper and dealing with it. I think If your a hot head (I know I can be) your never gonna change that bit if you but can learn ways of channelling it when you feel that way

ShebaShimmyShake · 09/08/2016 09:26

Hi OP. My father had a stinking temper that made him abusive and violent and I wish my mother had left him before he was able to do such horrible damage. It's no environment for children.

juneau · 09/08/2016 09:28

"Walking off to avoid losing his temper" is exactly the same as storming off.

No, its not. I've walked away from an argument with my DH to avoid saying things I don't want to, in the heat of an angry moment. Sometimes walking away is the lesser of two evils. Sometimes its showing self-control to walk away.

I'm not saying the OP's DH doesn't have a problem with anger, but walking away from someone who is following you around and nagging is probably a good thing!

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 09/08/2016 09:29

How does he normally lose his temper, op? Is he violent? Do you feel like you have to walk on egg shells? Or does he just storm off?

Seems to me this is crucial to understanding if you have fucked up or if he is being a controlling arse.