I think I've ended my marriage and i didnt want too.

[ivemessedup]

my husband is lovely. just lovely. but he has a temper things are generally great atm but there's been the odd moment ive felt we are slipping back into bad habits so i sent him an email saying this. this is something i do occasionally.

he came home last night and isnt really speaking to me. he said he is done caring. hes been trying really hard and cant do anymore. i dont know what will happen now. We have 2 young children and are going on holiday on Saturday. he said there is plenty i do that pisses him off, i dwell on stuff, im self obsessed (both true) and he doesnt care anymore. i should have given him space last night but im crap at this and kept following him around crying saying i loved him. he said i wanted a perfect man so good luck to me finding him.

im so scared it all over.

Honestly OP I think you're right about your DH being lovely. You've basically described my DH who will remove himself from a room because he is able to take a breather and collect this thoughts. Then we can return and have a discussion not a disagreement. It's a healthy way to deal with an argument and I really don't understand why he's been criticised for it.

You on the other hand sound just like me! I sometimes spoil for a fight and can be the catalyst in most arguments. He will just want you to behave in a mature and rational way. No crying or whining. And it's boring living with someone who is self-obsessed. I can see that now so I try my best to look outward and not inward.

The issue isn't that the DH walked away from an argument. The issue is that he threw a massive sulk on receiving an email, and subsequently had a right go at the personal shortcomings of the OP.

Like I said in my previous post, if the email contained a tirade of personal abuse, some chagrin and annoyance is to be expected, but sulking still isn't justified. If, however, the OP's description is accurate and the email actually didn't criticise him personally but instead suggested that BOTH she and her DH were slipping back into some bad habits, then he has majorly overreacted.

You obviously love your DH and don't want your marriage to end. I don't think he does either, it's just that you two need to change how you interact together.

How about you go on your holiday, have the best time you can, don't mention anything more about all this. Let things pass uncriticised (obviously I mean small things, not bad stuff) and try and have fun.

When you get back and you are both calmer, why not try counselling together? That way, it would be less of a you-correcting-your-husband dynamic. If he hears advice coming from a professional, it might be better received.

He mentioned there are things that you do that bug him. Sounds like he keeps quiet about them for the most part. Maybe he feels you should do the same and feels it isn't fair that you raise issues when he keeps quiet. Trouble is, that doesn't get anything sorted. You both need to communicate more not less, so long as it is in the right way.

You say you have two young children, so your lives must be really busy and quite stressful at times, with not much time for the two of you as a couple.

It's likely that you just have a communication problem that could be fixed if you are both willing to work on it.

I wouldn't worry toomuch about what he's saying. It's probably just in the heat of the moment because he just doesn't know what else to do right now and is in despair of things ever getting better. He maybe was feeling okay about things, then received your email telling him he was wrong and felt like giving up. That's why I think you should work with professionals on these issues. Hand it over to them, as it were.

But definitely back off on crying and pushing him for answers right now. Try to centre yourself and try not to panic. Just enjoy yourselves on holiday and try and remember what you love about him.

toadgirl - I love your posts, you're so wise and supportive.

Thanks, logosthecat :)

Very kind comment.

in what way does he have a temper-is it just shouting or more?

following someone round whatever the argument never helps but i cant see how hes lovely but has a temper

thank you. he is saying we arent going away now or i can go on my own with kids. the poster who said he would have thought things were great then my email made him despair and give up is spot on. Then he asked for space and i didn't give him any. it feels like the end of my marriage because of the things he said which he hasnt said before such as i need to go and find a perfect man. i can have the house. he's done, etc. but i feeling more hopeful it will be ok. Problem is i come from a family of talkers and he comes from a family of non talkers. We have very different ways of dealing with issues.

toad girl that is a lovely post. thank you.

“No sensible man ever engages, unprepared, in a fencing match of words with a woman.”

Wilkie Collins ( (8 January 1824 – 23 September 1889) was an English novelist, playwright, and short story writer

^ Your husband probably instinctively knows this and wanted to think about what to do next. Try not to take it too much to heart, OP.

he used to shout when he lost his temper but has been a lot lot better. he wouldn't go for counselling even though 6 months ago he said he would.

he is saying we arent going away now or i can go on my own with kids

You've still got a few days to turn this around. Could you buy him a nice card and write something that you love about him in it, how much you appreciate having him in your life and ask him to forgive and forget last night? Make the first move, but don't ask him loads of questions. Just quietly give him the card and leave him be. You've nothing to lose.

Then he asked for space and i didn't give him any

Say you won't do this any more when he asks for space.

it feels like the end of my marriage because of the things he said which he hasnt said before such as i need to go and find a perfect man

Him saying a "perfect man" makes me think that he really is feeling despairing about ever trying to please you. I think it's easy to make men feel this way, as we can be so verbal. I talk, talk, talk all the time and am really bad at never letting anything go unsaid(!) I've said a few things to my DH over the years which he has really taken to heart, where for me it's been a passing bad mood. You obviously really love your DH, but maybe he's not hearing that a lot of the time?

i can have the house. he's done, etc. but i feeling more hopeful it will be ok

Be hopeful. The more hopeless you feel, the worse you will make this situation.

Problem is i come from a family of talkers and he comes from a family of non talkers. We have very different ways of dealing with issues

Exactly. You have fundamental differences in the way you communicate and I do believe your problem is just communication. The love is there, but you keep reading each other's intentions wrongly. I really think a professional would help you two work this out. Don't mention counselling yet though - try and get him on that holiday and have the best time you can. Don't talk about problems. Remember fun? Have some together.

he used to shout when he lost his temper but has been a lot lot better. he wouldn't go for counselling even though 6 months ago he said he would

It is good you've seen an improvement. It shows he does want to change. It's not easy to change a lifelong habit by yourself though. You may well get him round to counselling later, especially if he said he would before.

Just don't mention it for now.

Let the heat go out of the situation first.

Whoops, sorry fanjo! [blush[ That was me being self obsessed haha

I agree with toadgirl I feel awful calling you that You need to commicate better.

IMO he has bottled up everything and eventually snapped, that's why he pointed out your flaws. That's just as bad as emailing your spouse about their behaviour.

You two do sound lovely, and I don't think he's going to leave you. I just think lots of small things have added up to boiling point, and now it's erupted you both have to deal with the consequences.

OP sorry, I'm going to be harsh. In your post you said -

ive felt we are slipping back into bad habits so i sent him an email saying this.

I think what you meant was you feel HE'S slipping back into bad habits.

By your own admission he's been really trying to control his temper and he's got a lot better, but I don't get a sense that you've done anything except put it all on him. Your posts are all how you've done what you wanted to do, follow him round, beg, plead, cry. You know you have personality traits that he finds difficult - how much have you tried to change, to compromise? From the tone of your posts not a lot if at all. And tbf I can even see where he's coming from with the perfect man crack. You sound as though you want a man who IS prefect, so that you can do everything your way and your own foibles and preferences will cause absolutely no problems at all

This has to be about the two of you meeting each other half way. I can understand why he now doesn't want to go for counselling, he's made a real effort to change but you're still criticising him so why does he have to be the one who does even more? But I would recommend couples counselling, so that you can both work on understanding each other.

I think he's just angry and upset OP. I would be too in his situation. He's bumbling along thinking everything is okay and suddenly gets hit with an e-mail saying the opposite. He's probably reeling a bit from the shock.

Give him a couple of days to calm down and then sit down and speak to him calmly. Don't cry and wail and plead with him. Sit down and talk like two rational adults. He needs to learn to talk rather than hide how he feels, but equally, you need to learn to give him space when necessary.

Good luck

i actually dont mind not going to counselling i just want us to be able to talk it through if one of us has pissed each other off.

To me this depends on lots of nuances

1. What did you're email actually say both content and tone. Writing can be a good way for couples to talk out difficult issues or you wrote him something nasty and mean
2. Did he go off saying he needed space and communicating that we'll or did he go off in an angry strop?
3. I'm always suspicious that someone with a 'temper' is really just an asshole.

My DP has a temper, it's atrocious at its worse, he can get snappy and bark orders. He goes to the Gym when his temper is greying with me, I have no issue with this. I rather him go, lift weights, run and get that energy out elsewhere than in a verbal slanting match with me.

I also have a fowl temper and I manage by keeping my mouth shut and counting up to ten and back to zero and take a deep breath.

We hardly ever engage in a actually argument with one another. I've been know to tell him to go to the gym, and he has said to me take a breath. We engage when we're calmer, talk about the problem and work to resolve it. Once the conversation has been had, that's it we move on I wouldn't dare send a e-mail to him about his behaviour!

Perhaps you both need to know each others temper coping strategies and not badger the other one when they are doing it.

Also this end of the road stuff. Did you make a few suggestions and now he's throwing everything out. Seems extreme if all you said is I'm unhappy about x or I'd like you mdker some changes and the next thdnks you get is effectively a tantrum where he basically says "like it or lump it'.

i don't have a temper.
i dont think the email is a bad thing but can see now it must have been a shock and a slap in the face. he came home said it had pissed him and could i please leave him alone.
on here people are often advised to.put things in an email or letter if they dont feel able to say it face to face. honestly it wasnt a mean or nasty email.

Hmm - I think I have a slightly different take on this than most people on here.
The OP should buy her OH a lovely card and not mention anything that upsets him, while he sulks and refuses to go on holiday with her and their children? Really?

To be honest, he sounds like a giant baby.

He's not sulking, he's upset!

He thought their marriage was fine, and then got hit, at work, with an e-mail listing all his faults! If a husband sent his wife an e-mail telling her how awful she was at work, there would be cries of LTB or "send him to his mum's" or "go out and leave him with the kids and forget about him for the evening."

Why is it when a woman is hurt, it's okay for her to be upset, but when a man is upet, he's sulking or controlling or abusive?

He asked for space so give it to him now. Maybe tell him that you understand this so that he knows that you are listening to him and respecting his need.

Also tell him that you will either (a) happily go on holiday without him or (b) cancel the holiday if you don't want to go without him (whichever is applicable to you).

Don't make this a threat or use the holiday a chance for some time apart (unless that's genuinely what you both want), just make sure he is aware of your feelings about the holiday and respects that too.

That will take away the time pressure. Then give him the space he asked for and see where you are in a few days time. You do need to talk this over together but now is not the time.

I have had to make a real effort to control my temper which manifests as raising my voice and harsh words . To be fair, I do put up with a lot of stuff that bugs me that I never mention and then I blow. Bad, bad, bad. I am also terribly impatient.

My mother used to scream and yell at Dad, who barely reacted but kept out of her way a lot. He was easygoing but stubborn in his own way. She criticises everyone all the time including us kids.

I never learnt a thing from my parents about communicating well and to my horror have picked up some terrible habits from Mum which only come out in romantic relationships when I've invested my heart and not with friends.

I think it's panic that no-one will ever hear me or understand. When I ask for something, I never feel I'll get it. I feel like a child who will be ignored, even though I have no evidence for that.

One day my DH told me that he feels nervous butterflies in his stomach when I get excited and raise my voice. He told me it scrambles his brain and he can't think straight when I'm going on and on like that. I had no idea it was affecting him so much. Because he's so quiet and laid-back (so like my Dad!) I just assumed it was water off a duck's back and he wasn't listening/caring, so I'd up the ante even more! What a mess!

I interrupt LOADS even during good times. Poor guy!

He is more open with me and will tell me when he doesn't like something whether it's decorating or whatever. He comes from a family where they can be very PA and never seem to have conservations about anything other than superficial stuff. His mother used to shut down anything that even came close to being an emotional conversation. If he ever shows me he's annoyed about something, I almost welcome it now. It means he is finally being himself and being real with me, at least.

This stuff is so, so hard. I spent years always blaming the guy I was with for being difficult. Sometimes they were (I'm not taking ALL the blame here :) ) but I've had to become a bit more humble and realise I have made loads of mistakes. Relationships do help us grow, however painful it can be.