Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I've ended my marriage and i didnt want too.

143 replies

ivemessedup · 09/08/2016 08:51

my husband is lovely. just lovely. but he has a temper things are generally great atm but there's been the odd moment ive felt we are slipping back into bad habits so i sent him an email saying this. this is something i do occasionally.

he came home last night and isnt really speaking to me. he said he is done caring. hes been trying really hard and cant do anymore. i dont know what will happen now. We have 2 young children and are going on holiday on Saturday. he said there is plenty i do that pisses him off, i dwell on stuff, im self obsessed (both true) and he doesnt care anymore. i should have given him space last night but im crap at this and kept following him around crying saying i loved him. he said i wanted a perfect man so good luck to me finding him.

im so scared it all over.

OP posts:
OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 09/08/2016 15:14

I'm shocked at some of these resposes. They could be right, of course - there's a lot we don't know. But surely that's a reson to be cautious not just blame the OP?

For eg. my husband is lovely. just lovely. but he has a temper could mean anything from a lovely but very troubled bloke who's aware of his difficulties and is in longterm therapy trying to work on them, to an abusive arsehole who's threatening and potentially violent to get his own way and avoid reproach but is "lovely" now and then to stop the OP leaving (and was consistency lovely at the start to reel her in).

There's a few unknowns that could shed a completely different light on the situation. For a start - what does the OP mean by "slipping back into bad habits"? Secondly, why is she emailing him? Is it because he refuses to talk about anything so she needs a way to clearly communicate? OP has alluded to him not talking about things and we know he refuses to go to counselling so it's not out of the question.

On the subject of refusing counselling - why should the OP (and women in general) have to put up with this crap from men? Having to make allowances for their issues whilst they don't bother trying to solve them. Meanwhile we're supposed to applaud the bloke for walking away rather than getting really angry (good in the right circumstances, but could also be used as a way to avoid talking about anything, ever), whilst the OPs frustration/upset/difficulties with calmly waiting to talk later never? are criticised and seen as completely irrational. Because of course the man's emotional needs come first and they need lots of encouragement not to be an arsehole even when they are demonstrably not trying very hard to solve any issues.

I've done the running after thing, but only with dickheads who treat me like shit, expect me to pander to their issues whilst lecturing me on how shit I am and how they know best, and crucially, who I have tried to talk to reasonably and they just shut it down any which way. It's the desperation to communicate with someone who refuses to do so, it literally makes me go insane. Ordinary disagreements with non-controlling people are completely different.

Also, and this could be pure projection, but the "good luck finding a perfect man" set an alarm bell ringing for me. He could be completely justified in saying it, but I've only heard comments like that in relation to things like wanting the man do an equal share of the housework or treat their partner with respect, or even not be abusive... it's a bit "you won't get any better than me, so no point leaving/succumb now", isn't it?

Again I stress we don't know the reality of the situation but I'm concerned that assumptions are being made.

Naicehamshop · 09/08/2016 16:48

Good post oncetherewas. The OP has taken a massive amount of criticism on here for trying to sort things out in her relationship with her dh, while he has refused to address his anger issues by promising to go for counselling and changing his mind and breaking his promise. Hmm.
We don't know all the details, but I hate to think of the OP in floods of tears over this; it sounds rather as if he is enjoying the situation to my mind.
Calm down OP, think it through, but don't feel that you have to accept all the blame especially if some of the issues involve his lack of control over his temper.

Original poster
ivemessedup · 09/08/2016 17:01

thank you Smile am mulling it all over.

OP posts:
Original poster
ivemessedup · 09/08/2016 22:58

well ive given him space all evening and been doing work in another room. We are now speaking to each other and just had a hug but he said he's still pissed off.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/08/2016 23:51

I sooo agree with Oncethere

SandyY2K · 10/08/2016 00:55

You said you got a nice text from him earlier, so just carry on with giving him space.

blankmind · 10/08/2016 03:16

" I just want us to be able to talk it through if one of us has pissed each other off."

But what does he want? Time to think, time to process and work out some options. He can't do that while you're in his face wanting to talk.

Please, realise his needs for space and a bit of quiet and WAIT until he comes to you to ask to review.

SickInBedOnTwoChairs · 10/08/2016 05:39

You are looking as if you are in the wrong here OP when in fact your DP is. I have sent emails to my now DH to get some things straight.

He doesn't lose his rag with others I am sure. He is using you as his own personal release valve and that is every sort of wrong. You will go through hysterical bonding now and all will be 'well' for a while but it's a totally fucked up way to live as there is no balance and he is dictating the mood of the marriage with his temper which is being treated by the pair of you as something outside the control of both of you when it is for him to see it as a fault and get some control/help with it.
I have been exactly where you are. My advise is to gradually slightly detach. Not just try and be seen to detach but actually do so. When he has a temper, react less and less. He will probably escalate for a bit but gradually by being less and less effected by his moods, you will start to get some real control back. I don't mean control of the relationship but control of your half of it, control of your reactions to his moods. His gradual realisation that he can go stroppy but it doesn't have as dramatic an effect on you will work wonders in the long term as he will start to have more respect for you.

The start of this is to lose the panic and fear that he may leave. It might kill you to do this but unless you are happy for this cycle to endlessly repeat (which you are clearly not) nothing will change as he gets to vent, he gets total control with veiled subtle threats and you get the shitty end of the stick all the time which is why you are feeling like you are right now (rightly angry at his behaviour and guilty because that is how he is making you feel and chuffed to bits when he decided to stay - an unsustainable mix) you are being worked from behind the scenes by an expert. Unless you want to LTB you need to change what YOU do, change your reactions. You can't do it overnight as people are incapable of changing habits like these in 24 hours, it will have to be gradual and also it will feel like a confrontation to him if you try and we know how that will go :(
It's easy for nice people (you) to become malleable to the likes of your DP. When there are DC in the mix, it's natural to want to make nice too. Some men see that as a void to be filled and behave like an arsehole. Gradually detach and push back until you get your 50% of the say if you want this marriage to continue in a way that you are comfortable within it and not just a whipping post crossed with a doormat. Next time he blows, let him, go quiet and when he is a bit astonished that he has not turned you into a gibbering wreck again, tell him or email him that he really does need to get some anger management therapy. Once this has happened half a dozen times, he will feel the same feeling that you are having to chew on regularly. That slight, 'control is slipping away from me and I don't like it', feeling. It's him getting this feeling that will really make him want to change, not you nagging. Nagging just gives him ammo. You have to be much more canny if you think this marriage is worth keeping. Meant kindly. I have been where you are, the nagging, the tears, the endless cycle. It took me a while to work out exactly what was going on is all. I was doing well in my campaign of subtle detachment and pushing back. It was working for me but I LTB after a 'final straw' moment that could not be got around for me though. Now married to DH and it would not occur to him to behave like this, he's just not wired up that way but I recognise this pattern as I see it from the four years with my ex.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 10/08/2016 07:34

I genuinely cannot see a man who is some kind f abusive bully, no matter how hard I read OP's posts. And tbh, I'm a pretty suspicious person!

lasttimeround · 10/08/2016 07:37

Well said oncethere

The posts saying email=marriage over are really ott.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 10/08/2016 07:38

But do take *SickIn"'s advice about not reacting to someone in a temper. It's like trying to reason with someone who is drunk - It achieves nothing.

Original poster
ivemessedup · 10/08/2016 07:50

thank you. good advice. thing is i didn't react at all. i sent a calm measured email a day later. my hysterical nagging was after the email and now im in a position where i really dont know whats going on or where i stand or what he's thinking.

OP posts:
AbyssinianBanana · 10/08/2016 08:11

All oncethere did was project her experiences and make a whole lot of assumptions. They just happen to be a different point of view. That doesn't mean she's right or any other posts are wrong and are "shockworthy"Hmm

AbyssinianBanana · 10/08/2016 08:13

Ivemessedup - I think he's sort of proving a point isn't he? He thought your relationship was going along great and your email pulled the rug from under him and he felt he had no idea what you really thought.

Now you feel just like that.

Right or wrong, think he's just shown you how your actions affected him.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 10/08/2016 08:33

Omitting identifying or private info, could you show us the email OP? It's kinda hard to know whether he's lost it and you're right or he's lost it and you're wrong without knowing what the email actually said

Having said that though, totally understand if you don't want to. It's just such a strange scenario, very hard to give measured advice!

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/08/2016 08:36

I think I projected a bit when OP mentioned her husband has a temper. My own father was abusive due to his anger so I'm hypersensitive to that. Never stayed with a man who showed a shred of temper.

I used to encourage the letter/email approach, until someone did it to me. It felt like a way they could have their say without having to deal with my reaction or letting me have mine. Very one sided. A very carefully worded note, which acknowledges both sides and asks to find a way to move forward, might work. But that's rarely what these things are. They're almost always a one sided unload that leaves the writer feeling better and the reader feeling got at, denied and ignored.

Original poster
ivemessedup · 10/08/2016 08:37

ive shown it to a friend who thought it was fine. not mean or goady. but rational. we had some difficulties earlier this year and we talked and agreed we would regularly talk and we dont and i think my email was just wanting to start that up again. he is being ok with me. think I've just genuinely upset him but i want him to do the things he said he would do. talk regularly for example.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 10/08/2016 08:46

Your friend is not impartial. Your husband obviously felt differently about it.

toadgirl · 10/08/2016 09:30

we talked and agreed we would regularly talk and we dont and i think my email was just wanting to start that up again

It may be better in future to just initiate a talk in a natural way when you have some quiet time together instead of formalising it this way in an email? It may seem too like a work request to your DH in that format, maybe?

Maybe you could both talk about how you want to communicate in future. Your DH doesn't like the emails by the sounds of things.

I am glad things are a bit better, though. Is there any word on your holiday yet?

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 10/08/2016 09:35

In your first post, you mentioned 'slipping.' He obviously felt things were going well. Before emailgate, were things normal at home?

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 10/08/2016 09:36

P.S. Hi toadgirl >waves and sends pictures of cats and sexy men... And sexy cats

toadgirl · 10/08/2016 09:38

SpecialAgentFreyPie

Hi there!

Love the pics :)

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 10/08/2016 09:39

Better not derail, just wanted to say hi after yesterday's hilarious dramas.

Maybe we should start a silly thread?

toadgirl · 10/08/2016 09:44

SpecialAgentFreyPie

Yes, it was a wild ride Wink

Perhaps we should! Though I am on the FOURTH THREAD THAT NO-ONE RESPONDS TO in AIBU if you are interested? VanillaSugar's thread. We have a lot of fun there. It's all fun 'n' games. Anything goes.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2704589-To-start-a-FOURTH-thread-that-no-one-responds-to?

(Sorry, OP, didn't mean to get off-course there)

lasttimeround · 10/08/2016 09:56

I don't see how you ended the marriage if you didn't intend to. Why are you responsible for all of it? You sent an email he is threatening end of marriage.