I think I've ended my marriage and i didnt want too.

[ivemessedup]

my husband is lovely. just lovely. but he has a temper things are generally great atm but there's been the odd moment ive felt we are slipping back into bad habits so i sent him an email saying this. this is something i do occasionally.

he came home last night and isnt really speaking to me. he said he is done caring. hes been trying really hard and cant do anymore. i dont know what will happen now. We have 2 young children and are going on holiday on Saturday. he said there is plenty i do that pisses him off, i dwell on stuff, im self obsessed (both true) and he doesnt care anymore. i should have given him space last night but im crap at this and kept following him around crying saying i loved him. he said i wanted a perfect man so good luck to me finding him.

im so scared it all over.

category12, there is a difference between storming off in a huff and deliberately removing yourself from a situation before you lose your temper and do something destructive.

I don't think taking yourself off for half an hour to calm down is the same as storming off in a sulk. Saying "I need space" and going for a walk or having a bath isn't the same as slamming doors, shouting and storming out to the pub in a temper.

Only OP knows what category her husband falls under.

Walking away is a good strategy. Even better would be for him to be able to say 'I'm getting angry so I'm going to walk away for a bit'.

What's not ok is to march off, slamming doors, hitting furniture and come back calm as if nothing has happened. You need to be able to address the thing that made him angry once he is calm again.

Do you do that OP, or do you both ignore the incident once it's blown over?

Ahhh!just seen your reply to Monday's question.

You need to give him space.

he sounds pretty controlling to me..and very how dare you question him.

i cant understand why people are blaming you for crying. He was basically punishing you for criticising him. and walking away. That makes people cry and follow the person. You have not done anything.

^^
This

I don';t think he sounds 'controlling' at all. Sounds like he's had enough.

Did he apologise for storming off ? Did he have a real reason to be angry or one he'd made up ?

Man gets annoyed with wife, walks away to stop his anger becoming a problem then when receives critique email from wife followed by bombardment of apologies says he's had enough and wants to leave. Doesn't leave, prob doesn't mean it.

On planet MN this equals the H being controlling.

If roles were reversed and OP was being sent critical emails from her DH then him not allowing her 5 mins peace to calm down then I suspect some people would still be accusing the H of being controlling.

Not all Hs are controlling. Sometimes married people get on each other's nerves. It doesn't have to mean someone is being abused!

The thing is the OP thinks it looked like storming off to her.

But of course he has to turn it round saying: "no, it was an act of self-control" subtext being "because I am so much more mature than you."

It's like if someone tells you to stop shouting and you say "I wasn't shouting, I was just raising my voice because you were making too much noise" yeh tried that one meself

Yes, Planet MN can be a strange place at times.

have different opinion get shitty sarcastic response and sneering. planet MN

Good lord, there is one hell of a lot of projecting on this thread! From the little information in the OP the DH is now a violent, controlling, abusive man.

Reading between the lines of the OP, his response sounds like he is fed up with being criticised and that he feels it happens more than the "occasionally" admitted to by the OP. There's nothingwrongwith having s temper, it's how this temper is dealt with (and he seems to have dealt with it by removing himself from the situation to calm down, which is fine and not the same as "storming off"!)

It sounds like you both need a holiday to relax, cool down and, without the stresses of normal life, you might well sort things out and get back onto an even keel.

He's not controlling

He recieved an e-mail full of criticism, and when he dared become upset and angry about it, his wife followed him around crying and pleading. He walked away to avoid getting more angry and he's the controlling one? He sounds fairly sensible to me.

If a woman posted on here that her husband sent her a long, critical e-mail and kept badgering her when she was clearly upset/angry about it, she'd be told to kick him out, to send him to his mother's or to LTB. No question.

I'm usually part of the 'LTB brigade' but in this instance I think you were in the wrong. Emailing critiques of your spouse's behaviour? If that had been him doing it to you, all of MN would be horrified.

Walking away if you have a temper isn't the same as storming off. I have a temper. Due to DH's profession, he can argue/debate for hours non stop. Out of the few 'big' rows we've had, I've had to walk away to stop myself saying something I'd regret.

If the DHs version was posted on a proper Dadsnet, the OP would be branded a nagging shrew.

The reality is that they are two tired parents of two tiring small children and both need to compromise.

I have no idea about that fanjo - it seems a small piece of info leads to nailed on conclusions.

X Post Hermione

Yes, the following him around wailing and begging for forgiveness probably just stressed him out more. Because of my Anxiety, this is a habit I had to break. It wasn't easy, but you can't just harass someone into forgiving you because you feel bad/anxious. Took me years to learn that.

i have only posted LTB once or twice ever in history of my 9 years on MN.

Just have a different reading of situation to some it seems. No need for the sneering or faces

plus I wasnt telling OP to even LTB

I am about your husband's behaviour.

This is not a helpful or an adult reaction to an email raising some concerns. In your original post, you say that your message said that you BOTH ('we') were slipping back into bad habits. If that is true, and you were actually warning about a joint thing (for example, 'we've started to spend more money than we agreed' or 'we've not been out for a while, and we said we'd have a date night once a fortnight'), I think his reaction is inappropriate. If, on the other hand, you sent him a tirade of personal criticism directed solely at him, that's a different matter. It still, however, doesn't justify a massive childish sulking fit.

I am concerned at the image of you trailing around the house after him while crying. That sounds somewhat child-like and overdramatic as a response as well. And also at the fact that you've interpreted this row as the end of your marriage, which seems rather catastrophising unless there are things you are not telling us!

YY Special I was the same.

I hate arguing and I used to follow exP around if he was angry with me to try and get him to forgive me so the fighting would stop. In reality all it did was piss him off even more and dragged the argument out for hours.

If I'd left him alone, it would probably have been sorted in 15 minutes. But I just could not leave him be. I've since learnt that one of the worst things you can do in an argument is pester the other person for a solution!

I didn't sneer or post a

I didn't even see your post until mine had gone through

yes it wasn't your post I meant :)