I think I've ended my marriage and i didnt want too.

[ivemessedup]

my husband is lovely. just lovely. but he has a temper things are generally great atm but there's been the odd moment ive felt we are slipping back into bad habits so i sent him an email saying this. this is something i do occasionally.

he came home last night and isnt really speaking to me. he said he is done caring. hes been trying really hard and cant do anymore. i dont know what will happen now. We have 2 young children and are going on holiday on Saturday. he said there is plenty i do that pisses him off, i dwell on stuff, im self obsessed (both true) and he doesnt care anymore. i should have given him space last night but im crap at this and kept following him around crying saying i loved him. he said i wanted a perfect man so good luck to me finding him.

im so scared it all over.

So he said he would talk about stuff more.
He hasn't.
He maybe genuinely thinks all is good and nothing to 'talk' about.
You then presume the worst and start overthinking everything.
It doesn't matter how nice you think the email was, it was still a criticism of him.

Why can't you just talk to him in person?

You sound very needy. I'm not a very patient person and like my own head space. To have someone following me around sobbing and whining would be extremely tiresome. Especially if it's a regular occurrence.

Some people don't find it easy to talk or feel the need to. You can't force it. Some people are the opposite of this. He feels nothing wrong so nothing to discuss. You think no talking means there must be something wrong and and he is hiding it.

I think in future you need to speak to him in person, OP.

I would say e-mails should only really be used as a last resort, or if you have no other means of contact. I mean, he's your husband. You should be able to sit down with him after dinner or over a glass of wine and talk to him about your feelings.

E-mails can come across as being quite confrontational because you're offloading all your feelings and there's no immediate comeback. I know you said it wasn't all horrible but opening up an e-mail like that at work is never going to go down well.

You follow him around crying?

I'd lose my temper too op.

Yes but she does it because he stonewalls and punishes her.

I'm sorry, but how on earth has he stonewalled her? He was upset and didn't want to talk to her!

If a woman came on here and said her husband had upset her and she didn't want to talk to him yet, would you tell her she was punishing him and stonewalling him too?

Different opinions of same situation.

OP, I used to be the same as you, in fact, I could have written your post a while back.

I learnt the hard way, that this isn't the way to behave. That I was relying on DH for my own happiness. Once I started focusing on different things and shifted the way I thought and behaved, things started to get better, for myself and in our relationship.

You sent him an email, because you felt like you needed him to know how you felt. If it was anything like the emails I used to send though, it wont have been a quick email, it would have been a deep over analysis of everything and it's too much. He's probably thinking 'here we go again'.

Over analysis, self obsession and dwelling on things is no good for anyone. You need to stop! Take up a hobby or do something to keep your mind occupied, go for counselling or keep a diary if it helps. No-ones life is perfect. Everyone has ups and downs, little slips here and there. It doesn't mean it's all going to fall apart.

You mentioned bereavement, stressful situations like house moves etc, maybe these have affected you more than you realise? You can't rely on your happiness to come from your DH, it's not up to him to 'make you happy'. You need to do that for yourself.

I think the best thing you can do now is breathe, don't panic. You have said your bit, leave it now. Get ready for your holiday. You can't change what you said, nor can you change his reaction to it. What you can change is how you behave in the future.

He'll talk when he's ready.

Good Luck! xx

What has today been like, OP? How was bedtime? Did he sleep tense, away from you in the bed? Or did you sleep in different rooms?

Sorry to ask such intimate questions, I'm just trying to get a feel of the situation, without the email it's very difficult to know what's what. I just want to give you best advice possible

Problem is i come from a family of talkers and he comes from a family of non talkers.

DH and I are the same. He's a talker, I'm absolutely not. When my family argued we'd leave the room and then carry on as normal once we'd calmed down. DH wants to break down and analyse every detail "to see what went wrong and make sure it doesn't happen again". It drives me fucking bonkers and I end up angrier than when we were fighting in the first place!

I hope you can find some even ground to go on from here.

I am struggling with understanding this, tbh. By what OP says, he DH is not communicative. She sends an email by way of communication because he has not been talking and his answer is anger, threatening to call time on their marriage and saying he won't go on holiday. Then his hyperbolic comment about wanting a perfect man - no, just one who can talk to her.

Good grief. He is kind of ensuring that OP should communicate on his terms only. He can be pissed off by what she is saying or the means of communication, but I think he is over-reacting here. Honestly, don't beg, just go on holiday yourself. This sounds like hard work.

well he's got what he wanted then hasn't he - you'll think twice now before trying to communicate with him about anything difficult.

There's a reason she emailed him. Usually you only email someone you live with because things get too heated in person - or you get talked over and not heard - or the other person has a history of turning it back on you or obfuscation - or you're afraid of the immediate reaction. MNers often bloody recommend it to communicate with someone if they're not listening in person. So all this pearl clutching about emailing him is .

And it seems calm communication is not his thing by his reactions.

But he certainly terrified the op into stfu in the meantime.

He sounds like he could work on ha temper and sulking. But the OP also really needs to work on her neediness.

Following someone around crying and begging never works - it just retrenches divisions and sets up a nasty, dramatic dynamic that encourages both parties to react from less rational parts of themselves.

OP, regardless of whether your DH wants to attend counselling have you considered it for yourself? Without knowing you I can't be site of course but I'd guess there might be some aspects of your earlier emotional life that get re-enacted in the dynamic with your DH and that it might give you some relief (and perhaps a different perspective) to explore these safely, away from the relationship with him.

Maybe that's the pattern of the relationship - she brings up an issue , he brings the rage and threatens the end, she begs and cries, he stomps off, she kicks herself and apologises - and the issue remains.

That's what I'm thinking category. OP still hasn't clarified whether the storming off puts an end to the discussion or whether they revisit it once he has had his space.

I suspect that OP will be so glad to have him back to normal, she won't dare to raise the original issue again. If so, this would indicate a pattern that is not going to be resolved but will instead be repeated every time OP feels unhappy about something.

catergory I actually thought that was the classic way controlling men operated.

As mentioned in my PP there are things we don't know that would shine more light on the situation either way. But I'm wondering why no-one seemed to consider this at the start of the thread. I've noticed this before with certain threads where what you expect to be the general reaction is in fact the complete opposite. What is it about this OP that made posters err on the side that she is in the wrong?

Also, and this is a genuine question not rhetorical - suppose it is just a difference in communication styles. The OP needs to talk now, whilst her DH needs to have a walk, get his thoughts together etc first. My question is: why does that mean she has to do it his way? Why not compromise? So eg. he could say "I need to get my thoughts together, we can talk when I get back" kindly, and she can stay calm, let him go and make herself a cuppa or something.

@Oncetherewas, it is.

Oncetherewas - I agree. He comes across as being very controlling.

Yes - it must be annoying to be followed around by someone crying, but if he refuses to communicate and punishes the OP by refusing to go on holiday and not dealing with his anger issues (as he had promised to do) then I can well understand that she is driven to panic.

He sounds like a controlling, manipulative, angry man OP. Good luck with this, but don't take all the blame for the situation on yourself.