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Original poster

Upset regarding holiday

174 replies

Popsicle434544 · 07/08/2016 09:21

Name changed for this and am a long time mumsnetter!

Me and dp have been togther 6 years, lived together 4, i hav 4 kids from previous relationship (8, 11, 13 & 18) he has 2 (13 & 11) we have 1 dd together whos 19 months.
He has his 3 nights every other weekend and every wed night.
Good relationship all rpund, we r a well blended family, he gets lots of time alone with his too.

This year we agreed he would take his 2 on holiday alone, stressed he needs time alone and it would b good to hav a holiday just him and his kids.
We agreed.
Let me add he would b leaving our dd with me, shes a big daddys girl so its a big thing for her.

He left yesterday (camping) for his bonding one on one quality time week holiday, which i dont mind, i totally agree they needed this time.

Dp has just called me from camp site to say arrived safe, and that his friend has arrived aswell but his 4 other friends (couple with kids) would arrive tomoz for the wk.
I bloody fuming, and very hurt!
He didnt want me there cause he needed times with his kids and then invited 5 other families.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 07/08/2016 17:28

Nuffsaid

Sandyyou've misunderstood my post there. I was saying exactly what you've just said!!!

My apologies.

I thought you were saying the opposite. My bad.

We're on the same page then. Camping and toddlers aren't a great combination.

ColdAsIceCubes · 07/08/2016 18:06

I'm also a bit surprised at all the raging on here. He is still with his older kids and maybe feels they need the attention, which they wouldn't get with 18 month old baby there

So, I have a 13yr old, 11yr old and a 2 yr old and by your reckoning I (or my dh) can dump my 2yr old off on whoever because they might ruin my 13 and 11yr olds holiday? The toddler is still the dc of the oh whether he likes it or not and he shouldn't discriminate between them, regardless of age ffs! A blended family is just that, blended. If the partner of the op couldn't deal with that then he shouldn't have had dc with the op.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/08/2016 18:24

Camping and toddlers aren't a great combination.

True but lying and marriage aren't a great combination either.

NuffSaidSam · 07/08/2016 18:25

'by your reckoning I (or my dh) can dump my 2yr old off on whoever'

I think it's extremely offensive to the OP to consider her a 'whoever' in her own child's life!!

He hasn't left his child with 'whoever'. He has left her with her mother.

When the OP goes out and leaves her with the DP. She hasn't left him with 'whoever', she's left her with her father.

No-one has suggested that anyone should leave their DC with a random stranger in order to take their older DC camping! I don't believe you've misread that, I think you're deliberately misunderstanding and that's very unhelpful.

A more reasonable question would be 'by your reckoning I (or my dh) can leave our 2yr old with the other parent when going on a trip more suited to our older DC/ in order to spend some quality time with our older DC?'

And the answer would be, 'yes'. Of course it is ok to not do absolutely everything together. If something comes up that your 2 year old would love, but the others wouldn't enjoy, one takes the baby, the other stays at home or does something else with the older ones. It's not discriminatory for goodness sake, it just very basic common sense.

pommychic · 07/08/2016 18:38

chesntoots
I've just spat my coffee out at your last paragraph!
OP on a serious note I join the others in being outraged on your behalf. He's seriously dropped the ball on this one hasn't he?

ColdAsIceCubes · 07/08/2016 19:06

Nope, a holiday that one biological child is not welcome to is really not on regardless of age. I wouldn't under any circumstances split up my children. The older children have the chance to go off and do as they wish, with limits, when we go away. They have the choice to choose how much interaction to have with their younger sibling, as does the ops dsc.

You can't pick and choose what children suit your holiday needs, that's just selfish on the oh's part, especially as other toddlers are also on this trip. He wouldn't be stepping back over my threshold if he was my dh, I don't tolerate deviousness and liars!!

NuffSaidSam · 07/08/2016 19:32

Cold I accept that you have different views on this and that, for your family, being together takes priority over one-on-one time for your DC. I feel differently, I think my DC really enjoy and need one-on-one or one-on-two time and that is more important for us than always doing everything together.

However, I have to disagree with your 'Nope' in response to my more reasonable question. The question I phrased was more reasonable because your phrasing ''by your reckoning I (or my dh) can dump my 2yr old off on whoever' was nasty. A child's mother or father is not a 'whoever' and being left behind to do something that is more enjoyable/safer/suitable for them is not being 'dumped'. The baby is getting some time with her mother, not being placed in foster care!

And we don't know for sure about the other toddler. The OP assumes the other toddler is there, but doesn't know for definite.

ColdAsIceCubes · 07/08/2016 19:40

My dc do get quality one on one time with both me and dh, they all have different interests too, but a holiday is family time!! Imagine if I said, I want to take my youngest to Euro Disney, but you big two are too old for it, so I'll leave you with grandad whilst we go? Fair? Hell no!! And whilst I appreciate the toddler doesn't have the foggiest, what's going on, the op, quite rightly feels affronted and misled by the deviousness of her oh and the oh has now set a precedent.

clam · 07/08/2016 19:44

Ffs it's one TO one time, not one ON one. It's a ratio!!

As you were.

NuffSaidSam · 07/08/2016 19:50

Sorry, I misunderstood when you said ' I wouldn't under any circumstances split up my children'. So, you would split them up for a day or so, but not for a holiday? I think that's perfectly reasonable! I disagree with you, but I think both viewpoints are valid. It's the phrasing that is offensive ('whoever' and 'dumped').

The fact that the baby doesn't have the foggiest is absolutely key here. The Disneyland situation is different too because I would assume your older two would want to go? That would be really unfair.....unless you said 'I'm taking baby to Disney, but Daddy is going to take you to . This baby is not mourning the loss of a camping trip. When she is 11, she'll probably get to go with Daddy by herself, because the others will all be too old. It is not unfair!

I'm with you on the lying though.

NuffSaidSam · 07/08/2016 19:57

'Ffs it's one TO one time, not one ON one. It's a ratio!!'

Apologies [flower]

One to One makes me think of those mobile phone ads....'Who would you have a 121 with?

NuffSaidSam · 07/08/2016 19:57

clam · 07/08/2016 19:59

Sorry. That might be the wine talking!

ColdAsIceCubes · 07/08/2016 20:08

I wasn't aware I was on pedants corner clam... I must go there and confess my sins to the grammar police...

Nuff, ensuring my children all get quality time is a basic right, making sure they all have time to explore their own interests is paramount, but I feel strongly that holidays are for families and that everyone's needs can be accommodated fairly. Whilst I take on your view (and respect it) I do feel the op and the toddler have been dealt a shitty hand.

SandyY2K · 07/08/2016 20:22

I see no problem with splitting the kids up, if the holiday could be ruined with a younger child.

It's the same way a dad could take the son to Barcelona or anywhere else on a football holiday, which the daughter may not enjoy ... or a mum going on a pamper spa break with their DD.

The problem here was not being honest about it. The fact that other families are there isn't really the point - he doesn't have parental responsibility for the other people's DCs, like he would if their 19 month old was there.

If older siblings miss out on things because of younger siblings, it can cause resentment. They won't say anything now, but I've seen this happen, so when you have big gaps with siblings, it's something to bear in mind.

That's not saying there can never be a holiday for the whole family together.

SandyY2K · 07/08/2016 20:34

Imagine if I said, I want to take my youngest to Euro Disney, but you big two are too old for it, so I'll leave you with grandad whilst we go? Fair? Hell no!!

Funny you should say this actually.

My Dsis absolutely regretted taking her toddler to Euro Disney with the older 2 and wished she left her with my mum.

That way the whole family could have gone on rides together, instead of one of the parents waiting with the little one.

Treysanatomy · 07/08/2016 21:18

It wasn't just the toddler who was left out, OPs older children were too.

Imagine if OP had asked 'WIBU to lie about this holiday so I don't have to bring DH and his kids?'

She'd be flamed!

NuffSaidSam · 07/08/2016 21:30

because of the lie, not because she felt she needed some time with her older DC.

She's said here she's going to take her DC away in October half-term.....she hasn't been flamed at all!

It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

SandyY2K · 07/08/2016 21:31

It wasn't just the toddler who was left out, OPs older children were too.

Imagine if OP had asked 'WIBU to lie about this holiday so I don't have to bring DH and his kids?'

But he could have just wanted to be with his older two. There's nothing wrong with father and DCs time and he wouldn't get that if the other 4 came along.

The lie or ommission of the facts are the issue here.

WingsToFly · 07/08/2016 23:29

OP said upthread that her older children had the possibility of being with their Dad this week. So she could have been free to go on this camping trip, but would only have been bringing their youngest.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 08/08/2016 11:18

I just can't get my head around the extra families being kept quiet. If all innocent, surely he would have mentioned them beforehand.

He obviously just wanted a jolly, knowing his older kids would be fine without him having to give constant attention.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 08/08/2016 11:19

In which case he is badly taking the piss. I would make plans to fuck off for a week on my own and leave toddler with her dad.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 08/08/2016 11:43

I had a wonderful camping trip a few years ago with a good friend and her family. Children all knew each other and played happily. It was a complete and utter fluke though as we happened to be at the same camp site at the same time.

Op do you know that this has been pre-arranged. Could it be possible that the other 2 lots have arranged this but your dp being there with his own children at the same time is a fluke.

AndieNZ · 09/08/2016 18:08

OP have you decided what you are going to do?

Have you had anymore contact from your DH?

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