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Original poster

Upset regarding holiday

174 replies

Popsicle434544 · 07/08/2016 09:21

Name changed for this and am a long time mumsnetter!

Me and dp have been togther 6 years, lived together 4, i hav 4 kids from previous relationship (8, 11, 13 & 18) he has 2 (13 & 11) we have 1 dd together whos 19 months.
He has his 3 nights every other weekend and every wed night.
Good relationship all rpund, we r a well blended family, he gets lots of time alone with his too.

This year we agreed he would take his 2 on holiday alone, stressed he needs time alone and it would b good to hav a holiday just him and his kids.
We agreed.
Let me add he would b leaving our dd with me, shes a big daddys girl so its a big thing for her.

He left yesterday (camping) for his bonding one on one quality time week holiday, which i dont mind, i totally agree they needed this time.

Dp has just called me from camp site to say arrived safe, and that his friend has arrived aswell but his 4 other friends (couple with kids) would arrive tomoz for the wk.
I bloody fuming, and very hurt!
He didnt want me there cause he needed times with his kids and then invited 5 other families.

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 07/08/2016 09:51

The fact that you and DD could have joined them but he refused that is outrageous! I'd be livid and very hurt

Cabrinha · 07/08/2016 09:52

Don't understand why you don't get a holiday?

I totally get why your joint daughter has been left behind. She's lots younger and needs constant attention - totally changes the dynamic and I would mind about that at all.

I would want a bloody good explanation about why he didn't tell you the real group that was going.

But if you'd posted this in advance because he'd asked, I would think it was OK.

Even when a blended family get on brilliantly, it's the adults choice to create step siblings.

My daughter has a stepsister (with my XH) and I'd feel sad for her if she never got to hang out with her friends again alone, always had the stepsister in tow. I actually see that in friends with 2 kids... There are 2 groups where we always invite both for playdates - but their own parents occasionally say no, let's just send over the one who is the same age friend, she doesn't always have to share with her sibling.

So I'd be OK with him choosing that dynamic. But not lying about it!

MrsSchadenfreude · 07/08/2016 09:54

I agree with Clam, although he absolutely should have told you first. So not unreasonable to be angry about that.

ssd · 07/08/2016 09:54

I can understand you being so hurt op, I would be too.

Only1scoop · 07/08/2016 09:54

I'd be livid

He knew exactly what his intentions were and felt more comfortable there without you

clam · 07/08/2016 09:54

His poor DC - did they genuinely think they were going to get 1:1 time with their Dad?
I don't suppose it's "poor DC" at all. I bet they're having a great time with their mates - and also their dad.

CodyKing · 07/08/2016 09:55

I've seen threads on here where one parent asks if it's ok to take the older one to Disney and leave the younger one - to out cries of its no fair take both or none!

Yet it's ok for dad to take two eldest and leave the youngest?

Ok to leave his wife in favour of his friends and their families?

I think he's trying to tell you something!

The dynamic changes when you get married and have kids -

Cabrinha · 07/08/2016 09:56

But you said your 19mo is a daddy's girl right now.

Camping with a toddler is a totally different dynamic, especially if she'll want him all the time.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to go alone with the older two. Presumably all the other kids going are older too, as they're from his "first family" time.

The bad thing here is not being honest with you about what he wanted.

MalcolmTuckersEyebrows · 07/08/2016 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 07/08/2016 09:58

Mixing in a new partner to a group of old friends doesn't always work either. It can give rise to awkwardness (to both parties) about reminiscing and so forth. I know of couples where this would be a huge issue, and others where the "new" partner slots right in.

AgentProvocateur · 07/08/2016 09:58

If he had told you that all these other people were there, what would your reaction have been? I can totally see why he/his DC didn't want a 19m camping with them. As others have said, it totally changes the dynamic. And if his DC are used to going away with this friendship group in the past, maybe your DH wanted them to enjoy this again.

It must be hard going from a family of two DC, to a family of seven. Having said all that, he shouldn't have lied to you. Did he actually say it would just be him and his DC?

alltouchedout · 07/08/2016 09:59

Nasty. I'd be hurt. I'd be angry too and he would know it.

PovertyPain · 07/08/2016 09:59

I'd be thoroughly pissed off if he lied and since he never mentioned it to you, before he went, strongly suggests this was deliberate. He took the cowards way out, waiting until he didn't have to look you in the face. That's cowardly and nasty.

In saying that, regarding the kids, is he is a father figure to ALL the kids? If so, his children and he will still benefit from being on holiday together, as he's not going to have to be 'dad' to his friend's kids. He's still going to be involved in his own children's care and comforts.

happypoobum · 07/08/2016 10:01

You could be right Clam I am probably projecting a little.

I have been that child, desperate for some 1:1 time with my dad and being let down again and again. Sad

It made me feel that I wasn't good enough company and that he needed to dilute me somehow or be distracted with other people.

My point really was, are the kids going to be upset by this, or were they also cajoled into deceiving OP, which would be just shocking.

Only1scoop · 07/08/2016 10:01

I also actually think it's fine for him to go on this trip....

But the lying by omission NO WAY

Puts a totally different slant on things

BeckyMcDonald · 07/08/2016 10:02

That's truly awful. I would be so, so hurt OP, for many reasons. The fact he doesn't want you there, the fact he seemingly doesn't want you around his and his ex's friends, the fact he lied, the fact he's even on bloody holiday while you don't get one...

Of course your daughter and you being there would have changed the dynamic. But surely in a good way?

clam · 07/08/2016 10:02

Another thing to consider is whether his kids knew about it beforehand. I strongly suspect they did, in which case, he must have specifically told them to keep it a secret from you.
That takes it up a level on the deceit front.

Original poster
Popsicle434544 · 07/08/2016 10:02

As i said, the option to hav just me and our dd was on the table.
I not so much anoyed for my kids there off on a holiday with there dad and im gonna make sure they get a holiday with me oct half term, im bloody annoyed our dd misses out, doesnt get a holiday with her dad or her brother and sister, yes a 19 month old is harder work but u know what he chose to hav a child, we planned her but he obviously feels he can pick and choose when she can b included.
Sod that.

OP posts:
UnexpectedBaggage · 07/08/2016 10:04

Furthermore it's totally unfair that his DCs get a holiday and yours don't.

Cabrinha · 07/08/2016 10:04

Actually, re-reading the OP, it does sound like this idea of going away with just his oldest 2 was made much earlier this year?

There's a difference to me between:

saying months ago "don't know what we'll do, but I'd like to just take X & Y away" and then later on the plan becoming a group trip.

And saying a week before that it's a solo camping trip.

Have there been recent conversations about this trip with lying by omission?

CodyKing · 07/08/2016 10:04

How would he feel in October if you left the baby?

Why not suggest you leave her behind as he did and see his reaction? Means he'll have to do the childcare etc all week.

People would be horrified if you did it - but not him?

babba2014 · 07/08/2016 10:07

Are you sure the ex isn't there?

rollonthesummer · 07/08/2016 10:08

OP- did he give any indication that these others were invited to this weekend?

I suspect a fair amount of planning has gone into this weekend (getting 5 families together usually involves a fair few emails/texts or calls). I'd be seriously cross he kept that so quiet.

rollonthesummer · 07/08/2016 10:09

Are there mums there or just dads and kids?

ohdearme1958 · 07/08/2016 10:09

I'd be hurt and angry but I just know someone, or perhaps quote a few people, are going to say it doesn't matter that others are there because he is still just away with his children.

And the fact he kept it from you??? Well he knows he was on a sticky wicket and for that fact alone he knows what he's done is wrong.
Oh t
You must be feeling bloody awful.