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Original poster

Upset regarding holiday

174 replies

Popsicle434544 · 07/08/2016 09:21

Name changed for this and am a long time mumsnetter!

Me and dp have been togther 6 years, lived together 4, i hav 4 kids from previous relationship (8, 11, 13 & 18) he has 2 (13 & 11) we have 1 dd together whos 19 months.
He has his 3 nights every other weekend and every wed night.
Good relationship all rpund, we r a well blended family, he gets lots of time alone with his too.

This year we agreed he would take his 2 on holiday alone, stressed he needs time alone and it would b good to hav a holiday just him and his kids.
We agreed.
Let me add he would b leaving our dd with me, shes a big daddys girl so its a big thing for her.

He left yesterday (camping) for his bonding one on one quality time week holiday, which i dont mind, i totally agree they needed this time.

Dp has just called me from camp site to say arrived safe, and that his friend has arrived aswell but his 4 other friends (couple with kids) would arrive tomoz for the wk.
I bloody fuming, and very hurt!
He didnt want me there cause he needed times with his kids and then invited 5 other families.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 07/08/2016 10:48

'matter how many other people are there, he is still on-to-one Dad to his older kids, rather than being dad to his youngest

Ah so he can pick and choose who to parent when it suits?'

YES! There's absolutely nothing wrong with spending time with one or two DC at a time. This is true for all families, blended or not.

Do you only have one child Cody? If you have more than one, do you never do anything with one and leave the others? Never, ever, ever getting any one-on-one/special time is not good for children. They need that time.

CodyKing · 07/08/2016 10:54

He's nursing a hangover - good reason not to take a toddler - all that quality time with the he kids is working out fine! Just as he planned.

HeddaGarbled · 07/08/2016 10:58

Maybe you can use his time away to start planning your holiday with your friends while he stays at home with the little one.

clam · 07/08/2016 11:03

God, I'm glad I'm not married to some of you!

clam · 07/08/2016 11:06

ohdearme: I'd be hurt and angry but I just know someone, or perhaps quote a few people, are going to say it doesn't matter that others are there because he is still just away with his children.

Yeah, quite a few of us have said exactly this. Because, um, it's true?

CodyKing · 07/08/2016 11:07

Do you think he'd be hungover if it was just him and two kids?

eddielizzard · 07/08/2016 11:08

he didn't want to tell you because he knew you would be upset and has chosen this roundabout way to do it. i would be very hurt. it's a shitty thing to do.

however, i'm glad you're not letting rip now. let them have their holiday, but he does have some explaining to do when he gets home.

NuffSaidSam · 07/08/2016 11:10

Hedda I think the OP said she's planning on going away with just her DC in October half-term? As she should do, one-on-one time is very important for DC.

The 19 month old doesn't need a holiday, they don't care at that age. She'll be perfectly happy left at home with Dad.

Laineymc7 · 07/08/2016 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rollonthesummer · 07/08/2016 11:14

This might be the wrong place for your post, Lainey!

clam · 07/08/2016 11:14

It may well be that the kids do all get on OK when they're together. But that doesn't make it unreasonable for his to maybe have said to their dad, "Actually, it would be nice to do something just with us, like we used to."

However, I do know of families where the parents have said how well the two sets of kids get on, but have then heard the exact opposite either from the kids themselves, or others who know them well. Either way, I think it's OK that they want to spend some time together with their dad, without their stepmother/step-siblings/toddler half sister (regardless of whether any other long-standing friends turn up).

Benedikte2 · 07/08/2016 11:15

Popsicle. I really admire your attitude re the DC and blended family. I'm sure the reason the DC all get on so well is due to your generous attitude.
You have every reason to feel hurt and I hope DH is suitably chagrined and apologises profusely when he gets back. Maybe it's principally due to thoughtlessness? Never intended to do this initially but things developed?
TC and make sure you have a nice break doing what you want to do.
Good luck

Groovee · 07/08/2016 11:15

I'd be upset that he wasn't upfront in the beginning about who was going.

Hulababy · 07/08/2016 11:17

He lied.
Simple as that.
And that is the key aspect that is wrong and unfair to op.
If he wanted a camping trip for two of his children with other family and friends there he should have been honest and upfront.
But he wasn't.
And he has left his partner at home looking after their child so he can go get drunk with his mates. How much quality time with the older kids - who knows!

Beeziekn33ze · 07/08/2016 11:25

Yes he's been thoughtless and secretive and you're understandably hurt. Great that you are going to wait until he's back to have it out with him, he should be feeling very guilty. Say as little as possible and leave it to him to explain, justify, whatever.
Enjoy October half term. Your SD sounds lovely and very fond of you. 💐

squiggleirl · 07/08/2016 11:38

All I can think is that if he thought it was okay, why did he need to hide it from you.

Whatever about going away without you and your DD, but for you to only find out about the other families being there too once he's arrived there, speaks volumes.

He knew it wasn't right, so he didn't tell you. If he thought it was okay, and that it wouldn't be hurtful, he would simply have told you what was happening.

Such a horrible way to behave, and I can fully understand why you're hurt by this.

OjosCansados · 07/08/2016 11:48

Op you seem lovely, and it's great that all your and OH's dcs get on.
As many other posters have said, there is nothing wrong in principle with your OH having a holiday with just his own kids and friends from a former relationship. I can completely see why he wanted that.
And as other posters have said, it's the lying by omission that seems wrong here.
Two questions that I would be asking myself in your situ though:

  1. Are you sure he hasn't mentioned this already? It sounds as it he was quite glib in casually mentioning 'the others'... He could have continued to stay quiet about it, I suppose. (His children may have struggled to though!)
  2. How easy would it have been for him to 'get permission' to do this trip, if he had told you the full facts. Be honest with yourself here. I'm not condoning his actions but I think if I was honest with myself and came to the conclusion that I may not have 'allowed' him this trip I would be questioning why I would have a problem with it, whether it would be fair of me to be awkward about it, and whether maybe I should rethink dp's motives for his actions.
If you can honestly say hand on heart that you would have been 100% fine had he asked you in advance then you need to ask why he may not know you as well as you think he does and that some re-education and an open, calm discussion of what your boundaries are will hopefully help ensure that this 'misunderstanding' doesn't happen again. There is something to be learned here for both of you; to move forward productively as a blended family will require a lot of open discussion and maturity.
DrMorbius · 07/08/2016 11:53

Popsicle looking at this, basically nothing has changed. He has gone on holiday with his DC's. That is still true. So he has met other people!!! Doesn't alter the fact that he has gone on holiday with his DC's.

Perhaps he thought you would over react and who knows, plaster it all over MN if he told you

clam · 07/08/2016 12:00

Well, *DrMorbius," I think that's glossing over the quite substantial issue of him lying by omission. It will be interesting to see how he deals with the OP's understandable upset about that (and I am one of those who think it's reasonable for him to have taken the trip, but unreasonable in the way he has gone about it).

Desmondo2016 · 07/08/2016 12:07

I've got to be honest, I wouldn't have been supportive of the holiday in the first place, even if it was just for his kids to have quality dad time. What a load of bollocks. This was always the plan. Quality dad time would be a night away at a theme park or a show in addition to the family holiday that the FAMILY go on together.

Original poster
Popsicle434544 · 07/08/2016 12:15

Ill reiterate im totally happy hes away with his dcs, they need time with there dad.
Im just annoyed about the lie, i think im quite a reasonable person and he told me b4 hand id hav been a bit sad he didnt want me and dd included but jeakes his own decisions, he doesnt need my permission.

Im very close to my dsd, we do alot together, not as close to dss but hes very much a lads lad, he often fist pumps me, lol, thats his way of showing he cares, i love them both to bits and wouldnt begrudge them a holiday with there dad.

OP posts:
clam · 07/08/2016 12:18

Do you know these other families at all?

Original poster
Popsicle434544 · 07/08/2016 12:18

When he gets home we will talk, i wont raise the issue while there away.
Ty all for ur thoughts xx

OP posts:
clam · 07/08/2016 12:19

I think I'd be finding it hard to converse normally on the phone in the meantime.

Original poster
Popsicle434544 · 07/08/2016 12:21

Yes i know other families, we all live in the same town, none of them are friends with his ex anymore.
We havnt socialised as couples with them but one of the men is my mechanic, so see him often, and one of the wives who also has a ds same age as my youngest dd i see regually as we attend two of same toddler groups

OP posts: