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Original poster

Upset regarding holiday

174 replies

Popsicle434544 · 07/08/2016 09:21

Name changed for this and am a long time mumsnetter!

Me and dp have been togther 6 years, lived together 4, i hav 4 kids from previous relationship (8, 11, 13 & 18) he has 2 (13 & 11) we have 1 dd together whos 19 months.
He has his 3 nights every other weekend and every wed night.
Good relationship all rpund, we r a well blended family, he gets lots of time alone with his too.

This year we agreed he would take his 2 on holiday alone, stressed he needs time alone and it would b good to hav a holiday just him and his kids.
We agreed.
Let me add he would b leaving our dd with me, shes a big daddys girl so its a big thing for her.

He left yesterday (camping) for his bonding one on one quality time week holiday, which i dont mind, i totally agree they needed this time.

Dp has just called me from camp site to say arrived safe, and that his friend has arrived aswell but his 4 other friends (couple with kids) would arrive tomoz for the wk.
I bloody fuming, and very hurt!
He didnt want me there cause he needed times with his kids and then invited 5 other families.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 07/08/2016 10:09

Sorry, but you're over reacting about a 19mo "missing out".

She'd enjoy it, but she wouldn't remember it and can have just as much fun without going.

The older kids will have a much better time without her there, without their dad not being fully present with them as he's looking after her.

Now if you tell me he's a lazy twat that constantly leaves you holding the baby, that's one thing. But loads of happy families divide kids up for activities to be fair to the children.

Those older two have been through a split, having dad part time, sharing dad with FOUR other kids who have lived with him for 4 years when they don't live with him - and now have his time split with a toddler who is being a "daddy's girl".

Of course it's fine for him to have a trip without her!

It's a non event that she's missing out, and I think you're looking for things to be angry about. You don't need to look for anything more than him not telling you who was going on this camping trip!!

RandomMess · 07/08/2016 10:11

It's the lying that is the big deal at any point if the trip morphed into this group thing he could have told you.

I would be livid clearly you and DD are at the bottom of the pecking order Angry

Missgraeme · 07/08/2016 10:12

He lied and deceived u. .
The details /reasons are matterless..
Blended family when it suits him..
Dick the rest of the time. .

BeckyMcDonald · 07/08/2016 10:14

Oh come on. This is him being honest about the trip:

"I want to go away camping with my friends that I had when I was with my ex wife and their whole families. But I don't want you and my youngest child to come because you will change the dynamic, so I'm not going to tell you about it until I'm actually there because then you can stay I haven't been honest about it."

How the fuck is that fair, or nice, or decent?

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 07/08/2016 10:14

Maybe the children asked for ther friends to come? So it would be like old times rather than how it is now. It must be really hard for them.

inlectorecumbit · 07/08/2016 10:17

well you now know just how far down in his priorities you and your DC's and joint DD are.
I would be beyond livid and tempted just to turn up-but on second thoughts l would be spending my time thinking about how to move on without this liar in my life.
You deserve better

UnexpectedBaggage · 07/08/2016 10:18

Not as hard as it is for the DCs left behind in this.

Blu · 07/08/2016 10:19

Did he actually arrange this?
camping is the kind of thing where people say 'oh, we could come', and rock up.

The lying by omission, if this is what he did, is n issue.

However, no matter how many other people are there, he is still on-to-one Dad to his older kids, rather than being dad to his youngest and step Dad to yours. His older kids are quite outnumbered, and it sounds as if when he does get time with them it is within the blended family. So, being in a bigger group where his parenting is solely about THEM is still an important difference to if you were there.

That is not a personal comment about you, just the dynamic.

Are the other families staying all week?

rollonthesummer · 07/08/2016 10:23

I would be wondering what's he's told the other families about you.

  1. I want a trip without her and the other kids so I haven't told her about any of this.
  2. I have told her and she's fine with it.
  3. I told her but said that couldn't come.
  4. ?
Original poster
Popsicle434544 · 07/08/2016 10:24

I wouldnt say hes a fatherly figure to mine, id say more friends, they adore him, love his company but my exh is very hands on, we hav joint custody and if things that needs doing ie- dad things they go to dad.

Wen his are over they play beautifully with mine, r great mates like spending all there time together and initially that was y he wanted alone time with them cause of that.

But hes gone away with lots of other kids so i know his will b off playing with them.

Its the lie thats peed me off and yes hurt that quite frankly he didnt want me or our dd there

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 07/08/2016 10:27

Did he actually arrange this?
camping is the kind of thing where people say 'oh, we could come

Yes, but they still require things like...

-booking time off work
-ringing the campsite to check they have pitches and book.
-packing a car up with all relevant camping things

Some arranging still needs to occur.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 07/08/2016 10:28

YANBU, he has behaved like a complete knobber. When he gets home, calmly sit him down and ask him why he felt it necessary to lie to you.

Consider his responses and make sure you're prepared to respond calmly to each of them.

NickiFury · 07/08/2016 10:32

I don't actually think him wanting to do this is unreasonable actually. He wants to hang out with old friends from before he met you. Doesn't change how he feels about you, he just wants that dynamic. Do you know these people yourself? Sorry if you've already said.

He should not have lied though, that's the hurtful bit and seems unnecessary. Would you have been receptive to it though.

NuffSaidSam · 07/08/2016 10:34

I also don't think there is anything wrong with his special time with his DC being shared with their friends who they don't see much anymore.

It's hard when you're a big family, blended or not, to give each DC enough attention. We have 4 DC and sometimes we'll do stuff with one or two at a time and leave the others at home. If DH told me he was taking two of the DC camping for bonding time, I wouldn't assume he meant just the three of them. I'd assume other people would be there too, but they're 'extras'. He will be putting the tent up with my DC, not the other, he will be in the tent with my DC, he will be only responsible for my DC, so the bonding time is still their. It's just more fun because they have friends there and he has a bit of adult company too.

I think your upset about him not wanting the baby there is unreasonable tbh. It's perfectly ok to want to go camping just with the older children.

The problem is if he lied. Are you sure it just wasn't a misunderstanding? It seems odd for him to call and flag up the others being there as if you knew, when he'd deliberately lied to you before?? If that is what he's done, it's very ,manipulative. I would base it on his previous behaviour. If you have form for misunderstanding each other/miscommunicating then I'd put it down to that. If he has form for lying and manipulation, it's probably that.

If it was my DH, because I'd assume other people were going, my first question would have been 'who else is going?'. If I didn't ask that, he probably wouldn't volunteer, not a bid to be manipulative, he just wouldn't think it relevant- I didn't ask, therefore I don't want to know.

Original poster
Popsicle434544 · 07/08/2016 10:34

Im not gonna call or txt and get into conflict while he is away, his dcs deserve a nice holiday.
Dsd just sent me a whats app pic of her stood by a cow saying arnt i brave, lol, bless her, i asked wheres dad she said hes laying dpwn as she thonks he has a hangover Hmm

OP posts:
Blu · 07/08/2016 10:35

RoolOn - yes, of course, but the other families can do this for themselves. And they may or may not be staying the whole week. We have been camping and another family or two decide to join for some or all of the time and arrange it - often on the same day.

But it does sound as if this aspect of the whole thing has not been mentioned. Which is an issue.

But I still think there is merit , under the circumstances, that he gives tome to the kids he never sees except when he is parenting other children, iyswim.

Enjoy your week, OP, and have a good talk with him on return about all the aspects of this - find out why he did this, let him know how you feel, etc.

Original poster
Popsicle434544 · 07/08/2016 10:36

Nuffsaidsam all families live local to us so dsd and dss see those kids often

OP posts:
CodyKing · 07/08/2016 10:36

matter how many other people are there, he is still on-to-one Dad to his older kids, rather than being dad to his youngest

Ah so he can pick and choose who to parent when it suits?

Blu · 07/08/2016 10:36

aah, lovely message from your DSD.

Blu · 07/08/2016 10:40

Cody - from the pov of the older DCs, it may well seem exactly as if he never gets to choose to parent them. They are non-resident with him....

Babyroobs · 07/08/2016 10:40

I would be hurt too so YANBU. I think he should have been upfront about going with friends from the start. It is also unfair that your dc's are not getting a holiday, and you of course.

newname99 · 07/08/2016 10:45

I understand your hurt, he's chosen to exclude you from a part of his life.However I can also see why he's done it from his side. You mention his children have had a tough time so him spending time would be good for them. Including his 'old' friends would allow the children to enjoy themselves and have dad there.Spending 1:1 doesn't mean 100% solo.

It's the lying by ommission which doesn't give you the opportunity to discuss it.Does he often avoid conflict? I bet he's assumed you'll be angry and calm down by the time he had returned home.

Had he discussed this with you, saying he needs time back with his old friends what would have been your reaction?
I think not taking your 19m is actually ok, a toddler
does change the dynamic and seems like he wants an older style holiday.An example is taking children to theme parks, going with similar aged children is more enjoyable.This happens in large families with substantial age gaps not just blended.It feels worse in blended however as there is the need to be inclusive an sensitive to others feelings.

IsItMeOr · 07/08/2016 10:46

I don't think the holiday is unreasonable, but it's the not telling you about it honestly in advance that I think is hurtful.

Your plan of waiting until he's back to try to address this sounds like the right one. And then trying to have a calm discussion with him about it when he gets back, so that he understands how you would like him to communicate with you honestly in the future.

Can you see that it's reasonable for him to want to have a holiday with his older two if they've had a difficult year? It's probably important to them too to see that their dad still has time just for them even though there is a new child on the scene.

Msqueen33 · 07/08/2016 10:47

I'd be cross. You sounds reasonable so why he couldn't ask who knows. What a knob!

TuppencePenny · 07/08/2016 10:47

YANBU

He's left a child at home and tried to recreate the family holidays he had previously with his ex wife. He's lied there's no doubt about it. I would be furious!

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