Update re DP telling me on holiday about his affair

[Notgoingtobeamug]

So I posted a month ago. Basically DP told me 2 days into our holiday he had been having an affair for 7 months. I was stuck on holiday with 2 year old DS and couldn't get away.

6 weeks later and things are worse. Much worse. After promising it was over I've found out he is still seeing the 25 year old (he is 38). I was still working through my feelings trying to decide what to do.

He has racked up 19 dart charge penalties (over £2000 worth) that are in my name because the car is mine. Each time he was going to see OW.

He went to stay with his nan, she has now thrown him out because of his behaviour so now apparently he has no option but to go stay with OW.

He tells me he will be taking DS to OW house when he has him to sleep.

We own a house with about £100k equity in it. He wants half despite having only paid half of our joint outgoings for about 6 months in the 9 years we have owned the house. He doesn't pay mortgage, food, nursery bills, council tax or ANYTHING.

He has used about £25k of our savings to pay off his company debt. He literally lies on the sofa watching tv as his business is rubbish. He stays out all night drinking several nights a week. DS is in full time childcare (nursery and family) so he isn't even doing that.

I feel sick about the situation I'm in, I feel absolutely humiliated.

Small note, in theory you co-own the house & so legally you cannot change the locks, but you can lock him out !
When you are in, leave the keys in the doors, or bolt the front door, change the back door lock etc ..... he can make a fuss, but in the mean time he will be locked out, & that's the main thing :o)
as for the shag OW she will soon discover he has no income, no business, is on meds drugs & a strong penchant for alcohol, so not such a good catch, (plus his boast about owning half a house.... er, well after the debts are paid, his child housed, his maintenance payments, the shit is going to hit the fan !!
This does NOT, & I mean NOT mean you can take him back in with his grovelling Gollum act. Fuck that.

I want to repeat what everyone else has said - do not make equity offers or any contact offers for DS (and refuse his demands).

Get a solicitor.

Yes to keep a diary

Start with 6 weeks ago confession

Then write down about the drugs and holiday

Also include the pills you found

All texts and emails plus phone calls

Include the outcome

I am starting a diary, I know I need to keep a record of everything.

Re the equity I won't offer without legal advice but want to know In my head now what I've paid out in joint responsibilities (mortgage, nursery etc) plus what I've given him for personal money (car, debt, cash). At the moment I keep on having irrational panics about having to sell up to give him £45k. If I have the facts then I will feel better. I know a judge will still look at owning the house together but to be fair, he wasn't a stay at home dad, he had every capability to work but chose not to.

Getting it all on paper in front of you will do wonders for that panic. It may also make you realise what a waste of space this man is, and start you feeling really angry.

But please face him down wrt your DS. You don't owe him anything. He has no rights until a court tells him he does.

I do remember your previous thread
This is now business and treat it as that..

You are not required to answer everyone of his messages.
I agree get him removed from council tax.. will reduce your costs straight away..

Stop whinging about the dog then and concentrate on safeguarding your son.

I agree ^^

Why are you taking the financial hit for a dogsitter, when he's walked out on you?
Don't you think that £400 could be used towards your son?

If you saved that much a month, he won't have any university fees when he's older.

His dad walked out, he's 2 years old. He'll get over the dog soon enough.

It's not about using your son as a pawn, but he cannot demand to take DS like that. If he doesn't stick to his schedule it's his problem.

Lawyer up pronto.

The council tax thing is very easy. For me it took a brief phone call to the council. I recommend doing this asap after splitting up. it's a great first step and you can tick something off the "to do" list. It will feel good op.

As you arent married and house is in joint names, then legally he is entitled to his share of property, you might however be able to delay payment until child has left education, using child act.

OP, about the dog (and sorry if this upsets you)....
When I kicked xh left (the first time! The second time I kicked him out), I was left with two dogs and two young dcs to look after. I struggled on for three months, but ultimately did re-Ho,e the dogs. It broke my heart, but was the fairest thing for them.
You have lots of other things to think about, but this might need to be a decision you come to - sorry. But, that doesn't mean xp gets to get him.

OP. I am an unusual case. However, I took my ex-h to court in terms of ancillary relief proceedings, I couldn't afford a SHL so I repped myself. I got 100% of the marital assets. Ex-h got exactly zero. Judges have seen it all before. By all means sit down and work out your contribution to the partnership versus his. Do spreadsheets. Work it all out. Be prepared. Fucking annihilate him.

XP, has apparently lost ability to think alone & is being directed by OW...
he can't take the dog. but as much as you may love the dog & I believe a dog is for a commitment for life...if you can foster temporarily, it will be better for the dog & clearly for your finances.
It is just another thing to hate P for.......he doesn't work, he could have the dog... but NO, his need to shag comes first.

However, I took my ex-h to court in terms of ancillary relief proceedings, I couldn't afford a SHL so I repped myself. I got 100% of the marital assets.

You were married. Cohabiting will never give you the same protection as marriage.

Sandy, you are absolutely right. However, The Children's Act is an amazing resource...and the same principles apply...despite being unmarried. I have seen some amazing successes as a result. My advice to anybody having children is to marry, even if its' inconvenient. Cynical I know. It does offer you the best protection. Children's Act used properly can and does have the same outcome.

*It's

Does ex-DPs nan and mum live closer and is he used to staying with them?
You could talk with them and see if they'll help. Also this sounds like a safeguarding issue - his drink and drugs - were you planning overnight stays with him anyhow?

Ultimately I think you need to focus on finances though.

Hang in there OP stay strong and take control!!!

Got a few jobs sorted today, cancelled sky sports, emailed council for council tax discount and appealed all dart charge tickets.

Also has a conversation with ex-p. he is currently saying he doesn't want any equity so need to get paperwork drawn up quickly before he changes his mind.

So all in all, a positive day I think!

Good work !

Also deleted all his crap out of the sky planner- highly satisfying.

Sounds very postive day.. yes get it drawn up before he changes his mind..

This is excellent news! Yes, get it drawn up like lightening. My ex-h said all this and then when it actually came to it...you can guess the rest.

What a dickhead.

Well done, glad you've had a good and positive day!

Did he show up for DC or did you tell him to do one?

Good stuff

Good work!