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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update re DP telling me on holiday about his affair

159 replies

Notgoingtobeamug · 04/08/2016 20:33

So I posted a month ago. Basically DP told me 2 days into our holiday he had been having an affair for 7 months. I was stuck on holiday with 2 year old DS and couldn't get away.

6 weeks later and things are worse. Much worse. After promising it was over I've found out he is still seeing the 25 year old (he is 38). I was still working through my feelings trying to decide what to do.

He has racked up 19 dart charge penalties (over £2000 worth) that are in my name because the car is mine. Each time he was going to see OW.

He went to stay with his nan, she has now thrown him out because of his behaviour so now apparently he has no option but to go stay with OW.

He tells me he will be taking DS to OW house when he has him to sleep.

We own a house with about £100k equity in it. He wants half despite having only paid half of our joint outgoings for about 6 months in the 9 years we have owned the house. He doesn't pay mortgage, food, nursery bills, council tax or ANYTHING.

He has used about £25k of our savings to pay off his company debt. He literally lies on the sofa watching tv as his business is rubbish. He stays out all night drinking several nights a week. DS is in full time childcare (nursery and family) so he isn't even doing that.

I feel sick about the situation I'm in, I feel absolutely humiliated.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/08/2016 18:23

Yep, if you won't listen to us, listen to MrsC

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2016 18:29

I think you'll have to have the dog rehomed. You have too much to do, financially, and you just can't afford to pay kennel fees.

I would never let a two year old go off for three nights with a man like this. Never. Maybe three hours if he was lucky. Your little boy needs stability and calm and to be with people he knows. The OW does not have his best interests at heart and okay, eventually he'll have to be introduced to her, but not yet.

As far as your son getting upset in the morning about his dad, make sure there's always something interesting for him to do that day. His dad didn't pay him much attention anyway, so it's more likely your son is picking up on your upset rather than being genuinely upset his dad's not there.

MatildaOfTuscany · 07/08/2016 18:33

  1. Like Mrs C says, do not let your son go to your ex's place for 3 nights. Insist he get court-arranged visiting sorted out.

  2. Get the dog rehomed.

  3. make sure your lawyer behaves like a Rottweiler. Do not be reasonable with this man, he is not going to be reasonable with you. Make sure you protect yourself and your son.

CodyKing · 07/08/2016 18:34

OP wake up and take charge -

Tell him to file for visitation

Screen shot any social media

Go through all paperwork

Gather evidence of the drugs and alcohol problems - there might be emails etc

You need to act -

Any suggestion he makes say 'I'll think about it' do not agree to anything in the moment

Mix56 · 07/08/2016 18:39

OMG.
Do not hand over DS
DS is going to have to get used to not having his father around; Sorry,
Tell P, he owes you X, including his company debts. half the mortgage, half the child care, half the dog care. his Dart fines.....
& if he wants contact to get a solicitor.

What if he doesn't bring DS home as agreed, the same way as he doesn't turn up when he says he will ???? Don't do this. You are hurting, it is appalling. But find your anger, you are clearly as smart woman...
Start using your mind to defend yourself against this despicable piece of shit

smilingeyes11 · 07/08/2016 18:49

If he turns up then call the police. He can't just turn up and snatch him. Tell him no. 3 nights away from you aged 2, I can't imagine a judge would make him do that. So tell him to sod off and see you in court. And get the dog rehomed. No longer do you discuss anything with this man. Stop communicating and start protecting your son. And get yourself a lawyer fast. This man is not your friend any longer.

JacquettaWoodville · 07/08/2016 18:49

Echoing others - you do not have to hand DS over for three days.

If your ex gets his shit together, he has the rest of DS's childhood to be a good dad and DS won't remember a few weeks when he was two.

And rehome the dog.

BastardGoDarkly · 07/08/2016 18:52

I wouldn't send DS for three days.

Nor would I rehome the family dog, he's family!

I'm sorry your P is being such an utter prick, it really is time now to get fucking ruthless.

Flowers
BeMorePanda · 07/08/2016 19:01

Gosh what a nightmare op. Some excellent advice here.

I do understand your trying to do the best for your DS, but letting your X call the tune is not the best.

He has made arrangements and broken them. Add this to what you know about the drugs etc I would not be sending my child off with him. It would also be very upsetting for your DS to meet ow now.

You need to start calling the shots.

Sorry you are in the middle of a really shit time. Things will get better. Keep going, get tough, get advice.

Re taking ow to wedding I bet everyone was horrified and think he is a massive tosser. Which clearly he is.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/08/2016 19:05

Seriously OP, men like him don't change. I am currently sat here while, 3 years on, my ex-h plays games with the welfare of my 5 year old (autistic) DS who is now an hour late back from contact (and this me trying to be helpful to accommodate a party for his grandfather, it is not a contact day). If you don't put your foot down now, this will go on and on.

As somebody said upthread, as awful as it is, your DS is going to have to get used to Dad not being around. They manage, they cope. I had all the crying for Daddy when ex left. It stops. It really does. Consistency, cuddles, reassurance. I am not saying it's right, but it is the reality of the situation you are now in.

You have NO choice here...

Inlectorecumbit Wine Flowers

cestlavielife · 07/08/2016 19:08

Distract ds.
Offer ex contact in a weeks time. Don't tell ds when but tell ds dad has gone away and he will see him in a few weeks. Gives you and ds some time to get used to new arrangements.

If ex doesn't turn when he says then tough. Whisk ds to do something else.

Let things settle then discuss fixed contact arrangements.

1weekdown5togo · 07/08/2016 19:17

I agree that you shouldn't let your son go for 3 nights but I can't help thinking that the 25 year old will soon get a reality check having a 2 year old around. If she hates dogs what's the betting she's not keen on kids either?

Original poster
Notgoingtobeamug · 07/08/2016 19:24

I can't rehomed the dog, he is part of the family and DS would be so upset. His dad has already done a runner, he can't lose the dog too. We have had the dog 7 years, he is important.

Ow has a 2 year old herself- probably one of the reasons she is so keen on ex-p- they have that in common. They can play happy families. I'm fairly sure it will be over within 2 months once she realised what a child he is, has no car and no income. Also when he starts going on all night benders.

Getting copies of all bank statements tomorrow and can then work out what to offer him re equity. I need to be sharp on this- he will just drink it all away- any equity is really DS inheritance in the long run so I'm not wasting it!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/08/2016 19:26

Stop whinging about the dog then and concentrate on safeguarding your son.

smilingeyes11 · 07/08/2016 19:45

you have told him he is not picking up your son tomorrow haven't you?

RustySwanson · 07/08/2016 19:50

And don't work out what to offer him, go and get legal advice. Tomorrow, first thing

Cary2012 · 07/08/2016 20:11

Bet you anything you like that if ex has ds stay for three nights, before that time is up, ds will be waking up crying for his mummy. You must accept that ds is confused, but he has to get used to his current home with you being a constant in his life, and the norm. Yes it is very upsetting that he naturally misses his dad, but he will get over this, it is very early days.You certainly must not let ex take ds away for three nights. It worries me that you think ex can do this, simply because he's his dad and he wants too! He can't. Get contact sorted out quickly, through a solicitor. That is your priority. It's ok to say 'no' to ex OP, the world won't end if you do.

AnyFucker · 07/08/2016 20:14

Where have you gone, op ?

AnyFucker · 07/08/2016 20:14

Oh sorry, love. I missed a page.

CodyKing · 07/08/2016 20:24

Just another thought - don't give him any money. You don't owe him anything or use of the car.

Don't agree to any thing either

Get you locks changed

Take a few days off work

Also - does the OW work? If he's moved in it may affect her benefits if she's claiming. And he has no money to speak of!!

Your well rid!

Have you got a friend or family to talk to?

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/08/2016 20:40

This is what you do aside from seek immediate legal advice :

You give him NO money.
If he has access to a joint account, remove what's in it.
Immediately inform council tax. Let him pay at OW's.
You DO NOT negotiate a settlement until you've taken legal advice. That is a process, it's not something that will happen overnight. You are not married, therefore his rights are actually affected and any legal proceedings would fall under the Children's Act.
You are the resident parent, you do NOT have to hand your child over to him. In my experience, solicitors generally advise a 6-9 month wait period before introducing to OW (mainly because most of these relationships fail and it's bad for the children involved). There is of course no law in relation to this, it's common sense. DO NOT let him take your DS.
He will have to make an application to court for access arrangements. That is a process involving other agencies. He probably won't do it.
I understand with the dog, however, think carefully about this.
I hear what others are saying about changing the locks, however, as a tenant in common, unfortunately he has a right to access. You could, however, have an internal lock put in and leave via the back door for example so he can't get in the front (if this is possible).
Get copies of EVERYTHING, not just bank statements - credit cards, mortgage statements, passports, birth certificates, utility bills, deeds, savings accounts, absolutely ANYTHING that is related to finances. You will be asked for it.

If I think of anything else, I will come back..!

mathanxiety · 07/08/2016 20:43

He says if I don't hand him over he will just take him and he has the right to do that as his dad doesn't he

No he doesn't.

He needs to go to court if he wants to see DS.

You can tell him you are holding onto DS until you finalise visitation arrangements in family court. Then don't let DS go. Tell him you do not want DS to be jerked around and his routine all bent out of shape. DS needs a proper routine and you insist on both parties being accountable to the family court for the way the arrangements are handled.

He will argue that you are being a bitch, preventing him from seeing his son, blah blah. You respond that you are not refusing to allow DS to see his dad or vice versa. You are insisting on a proper arrangement where both you and he have rights and responsibilities and answer to the court. Remind him that visitation needs to be in DS's best interests and that the family court is there to safeguard his best interests, and remind him that he should only interested in DS's best interests, just as you are.

Tell him you will not listen to any more communication from him on this score. Tell him you can both talk via your respective solicitors once they are hired.

Come on OP. You can do this. Face him down.

(PS, you need to find out who he buys the valium from and try to figure out how much of a problem his habit is. It's possible you may need to hire a PI to get answers on this.)

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 07/08/2016 20:44

Absolutely no fucking way would my two year old be going away from me for three days. He is far too young to be going away so long to a new place, meeting a new woman, new child, away from you. No way on earth.

You need to let your son use to being away and build contact up and slowly introduce new woman and her son (especially when you don't think it will last) stand your ground about that!

JinkxMonsoon · 07/08/2016 20:45

Getting copies of all bank statements tomorrow and can then work out what to offer him re equity

You aren't going to offer him a penny until you've taken legal advice, right?

mathanxiety · 07/08/2016 20:47

Keep all texts and e-mails from exP, and make a note today of the time he was supposed to show up but failed to do, and also all communication wrt money/house, etc.

Keep two files, one for DS and one for money where you record it all from now on. Label the files 'bullshit' if you wish..