Update re DP telling me on holiday about his affair

[Notgoingtobeamug]

So I posted a month ago. Basically DP told me 2 days into our holiday he had been having an affair for 7 months. I was stuck on holiday with 2 year old DS and couldn't get away.

6 weeks later and things are worse. Much worse. After promising it was over I've found out he is still seeing the 25 year old (he is 38). I was still working through my feelings trying to decide what to do.

He has racked up 19 dart charge penalties (over £2000 worth) that are in my name because the car is mine. Each time he was going to see OW.

He went to stay with his nan, she has now thrown him out because of his behaviour so now apparently he has no option but to go stay with OW.

He tells me he will be taking DS to OW house when he has him to sleep.

We own a house with about £100k equity in it. He wants half despite having only paid half of our joint outgoings for about 6 months in the 9 years we have owned the house. He doesn't pay mortgage, food, nursery bills, council tax or ANYTHING.

He has used about £25k of our savings to pay off his company debt. He literally lies on the sofa watching tv as his business is rubbish. He stays out all night drinking several nights a week. DS is in full time childcare (nursery and family) so he isn't even doing that.

I feel sick about the situation I'm in, I feel absolutely humiliated.

Oh, OP, how very horrible this all is. I am so sorry.

You will feel so much better (I hope) for telling your family and friends and having their support. Call everyone, get them to be your team. Let them look after you.

I am glad you are seeinga lawyer. Gather all the part work you can that could be useful.

God, what a twat! He sounds totally useless. Honestly, not the person you needed alongside you, being a role model for your child. Painful as it is now, you will be so much better off without him.

What a jerk !

You haven't done anything wrong here, so take the moral high ground

Try not to be embarrassed, you've done nothing to be ashamed of. I'm so sorry he's behaving like this, but on the positive side the fact that he's being so open about OW means that you won't have to do much explaining.

How are you doing op? Did you speak with your family yesterday? X

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Good to hear that you are seeing a solicitor.

Looking at the property, as you were not married the courts are less concerned with fairness and more with the facts of ownership and the intentions of the parties at the time. If you were joint tenants the property would almost certainly be split 50/50. As you are tenants in common the solicitor who dealt with your purchase may have documented the intended split between you. If they did not do this the starting point will be a 50/50 split but you may be entitled to more given the financial history. It may be possible to delay any payment to him until your son has grown up.

I'm afraid the money you have given your ex to support his business is almost certainly lost unless it was documented as a loan at the time.

I don't want DS anywhere I don't know

I fully understand this. I also understand your unhappiness at him seeing the OW. While there are no court orders in place you can set any conditions you want regarding contact. However, if your ex goes to court for contact they will not allow you to restrict who your son sees while he is with your ex, nor will they allow you to insist on knowing where he is. The court may put some restrictions in place due to you ex's drug usage (e.g. supervised contact or use of a contact centre) but this is by no means certain. The court will understand that emotions are raw at the moment but, longer term, you should try to avoid doing things that your ex could use as evidence of unreasonable behaviour.

Having said all that, your ex has behaved disgracefully. You are well shot of him. I hope this works out for you and your son.

I really feel for you. The humiliation, the sense of unfairness that you and your ds are discarded whilst he goes out to a fucking wedding with ow. Please tell people. Tell everyone. He's willing to go public so I suggest a factual Facebook post - just to let everyone know my partner left me for X a few days ago. The affair had been going on for X months. Naturally ds and I are devastated and would appreciate support". Sit back and people will come to you I promise.

It's got worse. He asked to see DS today between 11 and 8 which of course I agreed. He hasn't turned up. Apparently his tyre has blown (I have pointed out a train would take less than 80 mins but he didn't want to do that. So DS was expecting to see his dad and he hasn't come.

Now he is demanding to have DS tomorrow and says he is keeping him for 3 nights. Obviously I'm not happy but I know that DS is not a toy to be fighting over. It will hurt me so much to hand him over for that long- he is 2.

OW has told exP he is never to set foot in our house again or to take responsibility for our dog at all. Ex p is very close to our dog (he worked from home so was company for him) and the dog really helped him when he had depression. Ow says he is not to see DS in our home. He is listening to her and doing what she says. She is 25- he is 38- it's driving me mad that he is letting her drive the arrangements we make after we have been together 14 years. The fact that we have split up means he no longer works from home. The dog will now have to go to a dog sitter which is going to cost £400 a month which she won't "let" him pay for. I could kill him for listening to her.

Why are you jumping and playing to his tune,
He can't demand to seeyour DS just like that. You can tell him it is not suitable tomorrow and would be justified in doing so.
Can you afford to kep the dog?

Don't allow DS to go just because he couldn't make it.

You need to get tough my dear and stop letting him rule the roost.

If he can't have the dog, then you need to tell him it's getting adopted and going to a dogs home.

Your exP is being such a fool, you don't need to lay down like a doormat.

Why are you being so 'reasonable' and passive?

It looks like him posting the picture on watsap is what pushed you to lawyer up, did you think you may get back together?

op you don't actually owe him anything. You need to toughen up now as he is walking all over you and your son. The next time he asks for a visit say no. He has to see you mean buisness otherwise he will continue to treat you both like this.

No more money and no more visits untill you have spoken to your solicitor

I would swop the visitation

Send the dog to him for 3 nights forever and keep your son with you. No way should you allow him to let your ds down one day then demand 3 overnights. Don't be such a walkover

And has been said so many times on here. Your problem is not the new partner...the problem is your ex

Stop being a wet lettuce with him. They do not get to play happy families with your son no matter what she says. Say NO. You are in charge of how this plays out not some 25 year old and your drug dependant ex. You are the adult here.

I'm trying to be reasonable because DS is waking up crying for him every morning- I want to look back in 5 years time and know I did my best for the 2 of them to have a relationship. I don't want him back, didn't from before the wedding. I wrongly thought he would treat our son fairly though. I can afford the dog, I just feel bitter but I know that doesn't help. I'm struggling today, keep crying.

This is often said on here, the woman wants to do the right thing about the child's and fathers relationship. Where is your exes role in that, why is it your responsibility. You cannot allow your son to go with him if you think for a second something untoward may be going on.

Give over.

It is not in the best interests of your child to be fucked over like this

You need to have strong boundaries where this pair of comedians are concerned. Or sure as eggs is eggs, your son is going to come out the worse where a relationship with his father is concerned.

Your don is crying every morning because of what his dad has done. Your ex is using your softness of this to really take the piss out of his own child. He has stood him up twice - good dads do not do that.

When you look back at how reasonable you were you won't be getting a medal - you will probably kick yourself for making your son so vunerable.

Protect him op, dads not turning up to expectant children leave such a mess behind.

You will absolutly get though this. Give it time. You need to start closing down on him to let yourself heal

I suppose I do need to get angry instead of being so reasonable- he is walking over me you are right. I just don't want to have another argument in front of DS. He says if I don't hand him over he will just take him and he has the right to do that as his dad doesn't he. OW is my problem insofar as the dog is concerned, he took that dog everywhere with him before. She hates dogs. I'm out 7.30 until 6 at work, the only way to keep him is a dog sitter who takes him 9-4.

Exactly what Anyfucker said.

How could he just take him? Won't ds be with you? And no he doesn't have the right to just take him.

If he tries to just "take" your son then call the fucking police

You need to get court ordered visitation ASAP so that he can't just do what he pleases

Have you seen a solicitor ? Make sure you use one with experience of abusive ex partners

DO NOT HAND OVER YOUR SON. HE'S TWO. THERE ARE ROUTES YOUR EX CAN TAKE TO SECURE CONTACT...VIA THE COURT. TELL HIM TO MAKE AN APPLICATION.

Sorry for shouting. I can't tell you how important this is. I am in an horrific situation with my ex-h and OW and it's been going on for 3 years now. Please please please seek legal advice. Please ignore EVERYTHING he says. Contact Women's Aid. They are fantastic. Fuck what OW says, she is nothing, she is of NO consequence. You can seek a prohibited steps order in terms of ex "just taking" A TWO YEAR OLD away from his mother, especially with the behaviour/alcohol/drug issues you describe.

OP, wake up. Please lovely. I know first hand how shit this is, I really do. You HAVE to stand up for yourself and your son.

Sorry OP but you really need to grow a backbone and PROTECT your son from your ex's fuckwittery.
He can't just turn up when he feels like it and take your DS when he feels like it. Your DS needs routine, your ex needs to know that you and your DS won't play second fissle to the OW regardless of what she thinks.
Tomorrow id not suitable, he needs to stick to a routine for seeiong DS and if he misses a visit tough-he can wait till the next one.
You are doing yourself no favours here being such a pushover.
Stand up for yourself and your DS please

Unless you are totally an amour ed of the dog yourself I would look into rehousing it if

1. your ex won't take it (I thought it was "his" dog ?

2. your ex doesn't pay for doggie day care

What his stupid new gf says has fuck all to do with anything

*enamoured

Listen to MrsC she has been there and knows her stuff