Update re DP telling me on holiday about his affair

[Notgoingtobeamug]

So I posted a month ago. Basically DP told me 2 days into our holiday he had been having an affair for 7 months. I was stuck on holiday with 2 year old DS and couldn't get away.

6 weeks later and things are worse. Much worse. After promising it was over I've found out he is still seeing the 25 year old (he is 38). I was still working through my feelings trying to decide what to do.

He has racked up 19 dart charge penalties (over £2000 worth) that are in my name because the car is mine. Each time he was going to see OW.

He went to stay with his nan, she has now thrown him out because of his behaviour so now apparently he has no option but to go stay with OW.

He tells me he will be taking DS to OW house when he has him to sleep.

We own a house with about £100k equity in it. He wants half despite having only paid half of our joint outgoings for about 6 months in the 9 years we have owned the house. He doesn't pay mortgage, food, nursery bills, council tax or ANYTHING.

He has used about £25k of our savings to pay off his company debt. He literally lies on the sofa watching tv as his business is rubbish. He stays out all night drinking several nights a week. DS is in full time childcare (nursery and family) so he isn't even doing that.

I feel sick about the situation I'm in, I feel absolutely humiliated.

Don't communicate with him about anything except ds - and you'd be within your rights to insist on no overnight contact, in the light of knowing he's using drugs.
Try to find any scrap of anger you have within yourself to fight this sorry excuse for a man.
You have the whole of MN behind you, make use of it. Don't let him see any sign of weakness in you. If you doubt yourself or are upset, come on here and get some support before you respond to him (if at all).
Last of all, (sorry this post is long!), to echo pp, this is NOT your shame - it took me far too long to realise that when I split with XH. The sooner you realise you didn't make this situation, that you didn't know about it, and that he is a lying, cheating shit, the better you will feel.

And (sorry!) get any money out of accounts he can access ASAP.

Solicitor, solicitor, solicitor.

And empty out any accounts he has access to of your money.

You have to protect yourself and your son, OP. Find the time!

And good luck. You will be so much better off without him.

Get that Solicitor and Good Luck

I remember this. What a terrible holiday it must have been.

The problem with the drug use, is that if you try and raise it as an issue, you could appear to be vindictive, as you didn't have an issue before he had the affair.

You weren't about to leave him despite the cocaine and valium before.

I didn't know about the Valium until 2 weeks ago. The affair came to light 6 weeks ago but I thought it was over until Tuesday when I found out he spent Monday night with her. The cocaine use he admitted years ago, but said he stopped. I suspected this year but he wouldn't admit it. He then admitted it when he admitted the affair on holiday.

Freeze any joint accounts you have together, first drain every single penny into your own single name account.

Make sure he can't spend any of your money, cancel any credit cards under joint names you do not need anymore joint debts that he racks up from this point forward.

Make a list of solicitors to go see ASAP.

Start an CMS claim now. Let child benefit and tax credits know you are single parent and move all money to your personal account.
Get single persons discount on council tax he no longer lives with you.

Very important to get a shit hot lawyer. Do it quickly and take steps to ensure he does not financially screw you over any more than he already has.

You poor love
A child arrangements order will consider his contact including where it should be. It's a shame you have no proof of his drug abuse. I have been involved in a CAO where father's contact was only to be with the GPs but there was evidence of his addiction.
Most importantly you need legal advice, immediately. And get any money out of shared accounts ASAP.

The advice I always give to friends in situations like this is to 'remember that he's not who you thought he was', when you're feeling hurt and feeling low remember this and use it to get mad and think how much better your life is going to be without him in it. You ARE going to be better without him!

Agree with child going to his mother or another family member for visitation. If he's taking drugs it's not just the driving aspect - he'll likely be careless and leave them lying around when under the influence.

He is a monumental prick! He can't be allowed to get away with all this. Shame on him!

Huge hugs for you love!

Of all the knobs on here...he's up there with the knobiest!

Never mind all the whys and wherefores about what he did, what you put up with.
It's gone. It's passed.
Time to draw a line under it.

Move on. Take the excellent advice offered on here. Act on it

A year from now? 6 months... maybe even 3....you are going to be feeling so much better.

It sounds like once you've plugged the leaks...ie the drain he's made on YOUR resources....you're going to have more money than you have now.

You're going to be better than fine. You're going to be breathing fresh clean air unpolluted by his presence.

He set up a business 6 years ago and it was profitable for about 6 months in 2014. Otherwise has list thousands and thousands from his mis management which we paid out of our savings (from my job). Our money has never been joint, I paid for everything. If he had tried to work I wouldn't have cared, but he would stay out drinking all night, roll in at 7am, sleep until 2 and then prat around all day. He would do this several times a week. Or go out on a Friday and roll in Monday morning after ignoring my calls all weekend. My life has been miserable, I don't know why I put up with it.

Fucking hell. OW has got herself a right catch hasn't she?

And you my darling have now got an opportunity to get rid of this waste of space once and for all. Carpe diem - seize the day and get this fucker gone from your life!

Chin up, head held high, see a solicitor, pack all of his stuff and tell him to stay away.

Do not tell him what your next move is. Under any circumstances.

You can do this

Another one saying get immediate legal advice. You need to protect yourself from this reckless man and his reckless decisions. I'm sorry you're going through this.

So today (well yesterday- Friday) we were supposed to go to a wedding. Obviously I didn't go. Stupidly I assumed he would make up some excuse for me not being there. Instead he actually took OW to our friends wedding. I found out as I opened my whatsapp message and he has changed his profile picture to a picture of them both. I had not told anyone in RL- was trying to pluck up the courage and strength to tell people without breaking down. Now all our friends and my family (who did not know) will see a photo of him and her.

I don't know why I'm surprised. I feel absolutely numb. We have been together for nearly 14 years. I can accept he doesn't want to be with me but to publicly humiliated me like that 3 days after separating is disgusting. I feel empty as if this is happenning to someone else.

Wow. Everyone will see him for who he really is now. Have you had a look for a solicitor you can talk to?

Nobody is going to judge you for his shocking behaviour. Perhaps you will now get some extra support from friends, now they know what's happened.
He must be on drugs if he's taking OW to your friends wedding. It's not normal. He's just shown everyone what an arse he is.
Stay strong.

I might come across as a bit flippant here, but just be thankful you don't have to waste another day of your life with him.

He sounds like a complete waste of space, and a cocklodger too.

Let him go and be someone else's pain in the arse. Hold your head up high, and remember the best form of revenge is to be happy.

He sounds like one of those men who will never be happy, always wants something more or something different or wants a bit of danger, fuck him, you are worth more than a twat like that.

As has already been shouted - get yourself a solicitor.

Do not let DS go anywhere with him.
You have no case against him bringing DS to see OW. Sorry but that is how things are.

You probably do have a case to stop a prescription drug abuser and heavy drinker from having charge of DS.

Who is the friend he buys the valium from?

He has done you a huge favour by posting photos of himself and OW.

Got an appointment with a family solicitor but not for 10 days. I've had about 2 hours sleep. I'm going to tell my family later this evening (if they have not already seen the photo). I'm dreading DS waking up, not sure how I'm going to take him to football and face the day

Face it with your head held high. You have done nothing at all to feel embarrassed about.

Do yourself up nicely, put on some nice clothes. Have a good breakfast.

Lots of people here are sending you good vibes.

Dear Christ. What a disgusting individual.and she clearly isn't much better to even allow him to do that.
Look here OP. You've done nothing wrong at all.But you need some support now. Get out there, tell your family, tell your friends.now.this morning.This is too much to carry on your own and they will help you, both now and later. All you are guilty off is trying to make a relationship work with someone who did not deserve you. Everyone will see that and most people will want to help.let them.
Good that you have a solicitor appointment. Use the 10 days to get your bank statements together. Etc etc, highlight what you've spent and what he hasn't. All of that. You are actually in an stronger position that you think I reckon. I wouldn't talk to him except about DS. If you can bear it allow contact at your house only or not at all if you genuinely feel like you can't trust him-at least until you've seen the solicitor.
As pp have said, getting your financials sorted will make you feel immeasurably better. The rest may take some time, but you will get there.honestly. He has really been emotionally abusing you for years in lots of ways it seems-and living off you to boot. When you get used to it the freedom you will feel now you are no longer living with it will be amazing.
Lots of love to you op...I know it's hard. One step at a time when you are feeling overwhelmed.for now, up, breakfast, get DS dressed, and over to your mums/friends and start talking to people. You have nothing to be ashamed off.