Update re DP telling me on holiday about his affair

[Notgoingtobeamug]

So I posted a month ago. Basically DP told me 2 days into our holiday he had been having an affair for 7 months. I was stuck on holiday with 2 year old DS and couldn't get away.

6 weeks later and things are worse. Much worse. After promising it was over I've found out he is still seeing the 25 year old (he is 38). I was still working through my feelings trying to decide what to do.

He has racked up 19 dart charge penalties (over £2000 worth) that are in my name because the car is mine. Each time he was going to see OW.

He went to stay with his nan, she has now thrown him out because of his behaviour so now apparently he has no option but to go stay with OW.

He tells me he will be taking DS to OW house when he has him to sleep.

We own a house with about £100k equity in it. He wants half despite having only paid half of our joint outgoings for about 6 months in the 9 years we have owned the house. He doesn't pay mortgage, food, nursery bills, council tax or ANYTHING.

He has used about £25k of our savings to pay off his company debt. He literally lies on the sofa watching tv as his business is rubbish. He stays out all night drinking several nights a week. DS is in full time childcare (nursery and family) so he isn't even doing that.

I feel sick about the situation I'm in, I feel absolutely humiliated.

It's Valium he buys and takes.

Is the drug abuse etc documented . Is there evidence?

There is a legal precedent for a man not paying his way to a house he moved out of, he wanted half when his ex p sold. I think he got very little.

You need a lawyer.

No, he has admitted the cocaine in the past (several times). I saw the bottle of Valium 2 weeks ago- I was in shock. He admitted he had bought them from a friend. He had suffered from depression/anxiety in the past but usually takes an anti depressant

Get something in writing about the money that you lent him for his business debts, a solicitor might be able to charge that against his share of the equity.and gather proof of each of your payments against the mortgage to deplete his claim further.

Start going through your bank statements and highlight everything that you've been paying for the benefit of both of you. And when you injected cash into his business, was that as a loan or did you take the money out in a lump sum? Find it, and highlight it, because you'll want that back.

Start making a list of everything you can think of, and keep adding to it as you remember. This will be really useful when you find your SHL. Oh and as others have said, withdraw any cash and get it in your own name - do it tomorrow and make it a priority.

was that as a loan or AND did you take the money out in a lump sum?

SOLLICITOR NOW!!

Sorry for shouting but as you are not married he isn't automatically getting half of the house. But you need legal advice so you can really know where you are standing and if you have all the 'proof' needed.
You also need to do BEFORE he takes all the documentation you need with him to the OW.

Re the dart charge, can you prove he was the one driving (like with speeding ticket etc)?

What is shl please?

Sorry - picked up a MN term there - "shit hot lawyer"

I just transferred money into his company account. I know I've been ridiculously stupid but we have been together for 14 years- I thought this was out future but my life has been hell for the whole of this year.

Just a thought - when you go and see a solicitor (because you need to), make sure it's one you feel will really fight your corner for you. Don't be afraid to talk to a few before you find the right one. Some are a bit ... meh.

Ah - i was wondering what a SHL was, think we all need a number for one in our back pockets.

Shit hot lawyer

I just transferred money into his company account.

Ok, that's fine. Find that transaction on your bank statement, because you'll be reclaiming it and need evidence. Any any other monies you have paid in, because the business owes you those. Did he start a limited company or was he self employed?

OP, if you are concerned about his ability to look after ds, do you need to let him take him? Has that been ordered by court, or can you stall? I am sorry I do not have experience to guide, but maybe someone else here can advise on this, which seems to be the most urgent issue at the moment.

Seriously, lawyer up and get yourself informed.

It's good news you own as tenants in common. That means you each are entitled only to a proportion of what you've put in to the house. So if you've put in 95% and he's only put in 5%, that's all he can claim of the value.

You can contest the fines - if you can prove that you weren't the one driving, or that he was the one driving. You're not bound to pay them just by virtue of the fact you own the car.

You can also influence the terms of contact he has with your DC. If he has no fixed abode and a drug habit, you don't have to let him have them overnight.

Tell him to fuck off and start playing on your own pitch. You're still swallowing whatever he tells you.

You're wrong Mammouth. They own the house as joint tenants, presumably with half shares each. That's going to be the starting point but OP might be able to reduce what he's due

op is there any evidence police records of drug abuse?

has he ever been caught?

u need some advice about the house

Op unfortunately you'll have to toughen up for a while. It's unlikely your DP will be paying much child support if he's not earning or working much, so the more you ensure you and your child's stability (financial and emotional) now, the better the future.

Keep posting - MN can be good at steering you in the right direction when you really need it and can help you keep your resolve.

To be fair, I don't actually see why the OW would want him, given he is a drug addicted, alcohol dependent, skint loser.

Stop worrying about pointless details and sort out what YOU want. Don't bother worrying about him. You've given him 14 years and he has shat on you. Do you think he was worrying about what you would want? No. He only cares about himself. Time you took a leaf out of his book.

We are definitely tenants in common, no doubt.

No police history of his drug abuse but police have been involved with some of his depressive periods.

I don't want to stop him seeing DS, I recognise DS needs his dad but I don't want him somewhere I can't get to him when I don't entirely trust DP.

If she has been the only one to pay anything at all, then I'm pretty sure that will be taken into account. And 14 years of mortgage is a lot.

Our emotional stability is what is important right now and getting into some kind of routine. I am lucky in that this isn't going to affect me financially other than the equity. We aren't married thank god or I would be in even more of a mess. I just want some peace, some calm and to not be living on the edge all the time. I've spent months lying in bed wondering if I was going mad, that he wasn't acting unreasonably, that it was somehow my fault he was out all night. I know now it wasn't my fault, he was off shagging OW and spending time with her son leaving me and DS at home.

And that's why you need a sollicitor ASAP.
Both for the assets and to check what you can and can't do with your ds