support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

[besshope]

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

You know these must pay men. Do they ever mellow over the years and lose that horrible vindictive attitude or do you have to pay indefinitely? I've suffered the backlash for five years, I don't know how much more I can do. It is as if his main purpose in life is to make life difficult for me.

(Joined this thread earlier with a different username.)

No. They don't change. As long as you
Have a child together they continue

No I think they don't change - they can't, because that would be accepting part of the blame. And they are never wrong, never.

All you can do is disengage - detach, detatch, detatch. It is difficult to close the window on your world with them as it would be unnatural for your DC not to talk about their home life when they are with the Narc. But don't rise to any goading. Smile and move on...

I've actually learnt a few things from my ex - the behaviour that frustrates me is one I can use back. For example if I message about money or the divorce - I get no response. Then 5 minutes later I can message about pick up times and he responds to that one. Now I do the same when he goads me. Stick to pick up times. Nothing else.

And to cope day to day - accept that things could fall through at any minute - so have a plan for everything - money, childcare, and promises made to the DC. Never make them Plan A. Then you won't be disappointed.

As someone very canny posted earlier - they were most likely an arsehole as a parent, partner and provider during the marriage. What's going to make them change about the situation now that they don't have you as a pawn in their game? Expect the worst, and prepare for it.

It's exhausting - thoroughly exhausting. But, value the fact that they aren't in your life as much as they were, and enjoy and savour the feeling of control that you do have in your own choices.

Stay strong lovely ladies. I am rooting for you all.

Stuck on court all day because he's kicking up a fuss and wants a second hearing, today.

Currently experiencing the 'I'm going to make you pay for destroying my family and life' phase. Not taking any responsibility for his behaviour whatsoever.

Sending you virtual vino Frog - hope you are out of there soon.

Lemon (sorry am on phone and keep losing your user name) what you say about them never changing is so true. I found out recently that my ex was on internet sites whilst we were married. He's carried on being on those sites even whilst he's had a string of girlfriends (one of whom was beautiful (physically and as a person) but that still wasn't enough to stop him being on dating/hook up sites. He's also carried on his lies to every single one of them and continues to make everything all about him.

Marmalade he won't. And he'll tell you you don't understand him and all the rest of the crap that they come out with. My ex didn't want to be with me (but I had to end it so it wasn't him) and yet despite having other girlfriends when we split up, he could never bare the thought that someone else might want me. He didn't want me but he sure as hell didn't want anyone else to have me! Keep your head up - you know you've done the right thing - don't respond to the 'all about me' stuff from him if you can help it. Keep any communication short and to the point and ignore all the flowery shit that doesn't deserve a response (hug)

Hope you're ok Frog. Have there been delays at court? I had something similar. I hope it doesn't mean you're rushed through to get done before the end of the day. Let us know how you get on.

4 words:

Lord give me strength.

Both myself and my solicitor had lost the will to live by 4pm.

Upshot - another CAFCASS report required and final fully contested 2 day hearing 5 days before Christmas.

Good luck frog

How long was your relationship?

4.5 years

Just catching up, had issues with phone not posting

Frog that sounds like such an ordeal. At least today is done with, and you got through it. Sending you strength and hope

Golden I was where you are a few months ago and once I was out I stopped fighting it. He's never ever going to accept that he is the reason we're not together, and I just don't have the energy to keep fighting such a losing battle. And so, of course, I Must Pay, but I remind myself that at least I don't have to live with him.

I'm sat here nodding along as I read all these posts, seeing the familiar tactics described. I knew him such a long time, but I just couldn't see it. It seems so clear now that I still don't really know how I could have been so blind. I'm so sorry there are so many of us going through this but hearing so many stories so like my own and advice from those further down the line is really helping, so thank you all.

Sorry you have to wait so long for it to be finally sorted Frog. Are the arrangements until then all ok though? If he's anything like mine he won't be listening to legal advice. He got a decent barrister for the second hearing who perversely finally got him to drop some of his demands on the day just before we went in as he was never going to win. Caused a lot of stress and cost me a lot of money for him to achieve nothing. I'm sure he still felt like he'd won though!

Frogs: Does this also mean that your Ex did not come across as the wonderful parent he believes himself to be?

I'm not the judge but if I were I doubt I'd have been impressed

Hopefully Frog you get the same judge in December then? Who can show some empathy towards the situation you are trying to deal with?

I think what I find hard is the bubbling undercurrent of stress that's in your life in these situations. Because a narc will never be upfront and will always be working against you and plotting the game.

It just adds so much more to the extra stress of dealing with divorce itself, grieving over your marriage choices, finding your way through to a life alone and supporting your kids. So on top of that you have this constant background bloody fear of what they'll do next. The stress is just eating away at me on a daily basis.

My ex wasn't responding to any lawyers letters, so every time I received the notification that they were returned unsigned it was like another slap in the face. And hope taken away again that I could move on. Then the worry of whether he would show up in court or not. And if he did what lies and bullshit would come.

I just thank god I am self supporting. I would hate to have to rely on him for anything. The power balance would totally shift.

What he doesn't seem to understand is that in the country we live in there is a very rational process for divorce and you have to ensure the child is cared for before proceedings can begin to officially split. So he needs to commit to financial responsibility before this can happen.

Instead he just shouts that he can't wait to fucking divorce me and then does absolutely nothing about it.

I think I will pay for ever for letting him leave. On many occasions he did the storming out thing. And no contact for days while I worried myself sick. Or sent messages asking him to come back for the sake of the family. Even when I was 100% right I would apologise to keep the peace....

The night he finally went was with such drama again. But I was done with it. I told him at the door, that if he was going, he was definitely not coming back. I asked him for his key. Calmly said goodbye and locked the door behind him.

He told a mutual friend "she actually let me go!! She opened the door and actually let me walk out"

How many chances do they think they will get?

We went to mediation end of last year and it was agreed that ex's sister wouldn't do pick ups as she cannot be civil, just grabs dd and walks off without a word. And then lies about it and tells people I was having a go at her. She's even more narc and toxic than he is. Vile vile woman. Tried to steal her partner's dc from the mum, refused to return her as the knickers she had on were the wrong size and clearly that's abuse looks at dd in clothes age ranging 18m to 5 yrs

He's just TOLD me that I will be taking dd to hers tonight or she will be picking her up. err how about no.
He "might be" late from work.

Funnily enough this was a repeat of an earlier text this week again me saying no to her fetching her from nursery every Friday night, just in case he is late... he has only worked late twice in last 18m, it's not a regular thing and even then it's only maybe half hour, so 5.30 finish

We predicted that this Friday he would pull this stunt...

It's just awful.

He's going down the route of me being dangerous because I'm fabricating (allegedly, let's ignore the professionals who have expressed concern and want to investigate) an 'illness' with our daughter.

It's truly repulsive behaviour

Hi all, I'm signing in. Thank you for starting this thread as I've pretty much spammed this board under different NNs with all the issues I'm having with my XH. I can also relate to a lot of what has been posted so far. I've actually got DC to two different narc twunts .

DS(16)'s dad hasn't been in his life since age two (his choice after dragging me through the courts for years). I was always worried that when DS got older, he would be seduced by his dad but it hasn't worked out that way. XP has gone on to have 4 more children with 4 other women and because he is self employed, has avoided paying any maintenance. A few years ago, he got in touch with now XH to say that DS was being bullied because I was sleeping with his friends' dads. Obviously that wasn't true, but it was the first real sense DS got of what his dad is like (complete and utter liar) as I'd previously protected him from the truth. DS has no respect for his dad at all and is reluctant to have a relationship with him even though XP is trying (in his own half arsed way). I struggled with the unfairness for a long time as I was very young and had to cope on my own and there's no denying DS missed out as a result but I eventually came to terms with it. Out of sight, out of mind made that process so much easier.

I met abusive XH whilst I was still vulnerable following the end of my relationship with xp and a few years later we had two DDs now 8 and 5. He's been an absolute shit of a father and has gone out of his way to make my life difficult. I get a kind of mental shut down when I try to recall it all. I think I've compartmentalised most of it. In a nut shell though, I was given bad legal advice and he got the 5 bed marital property which was sold to us (only him on the deeds as I was a student at the time) by my parents so its also my childhood home. I've moved into a tiny private rental miles from the DC's school because it's all I could afford. I gave up my career to raise our DC so I have no pension and limited earning potential. I've also got a chronic illness that my doctors are struggling to stabilise and I'm chronically exhausted. Despite this, XH makes me do everything for our DC. He doesn't help at all.

The last few months, he's also stopped paying child support and recently had to borrow money from me to have his own DC on his contact. He's had 5 different GFs all introduced within weeks to our DC. Our 8yo in particular is really struggling and has violent temper tantrums and is suicidal. I have tried to get her help but none of the professionals care. I often feel completely overwhelmed and alone with all this because XH is so useless.

The latest development is that I've finally snapped and contacted the cms and paid to start a case against him. He earns 3x what I do, has a company car, lodgers in my childhood home and also has a commercial rental property which he receives rent for. Despite all this, he is permanently behind with (csa minimum and reduced for contact) child support and refuses to contribute to things like uniform as in his words 'the cost is unreasonable' . coincidentally, he's just told me he's being made redundant at the end of this month. Even though he's currently working, he has no money and can't pay the last three months child support. I suspect he has a drug problem. So I'm out of pocket for the claim but won't be receiving anything. Great.

I'm so glad this thread has been started. I just get so enraged at the unfairness and injustice that I have to pick up the enormous slack created by him. I know I don't handle him well, I just can't seem to disengage. He totally ignores my ranty messages and my reasonable ones. He's just infuriating and I can't just accept that he's allowed to get away with it. I've laid down and taken too much over the last 15 years. But I know I need to reach that place of acceptance. Life got so much easier when I did so with Ds's dad.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest although there's so much more I could have written .

That's an awful story peach and not dissimilar from mine re the child maintenance but I don't know how you can ever accept him living in your childhood home.

It's best for me if ex and I have no contact at all. We try to arrange contact through the children which generally works now they are older. I don't contact him at all over anything any more, no info re the dc, no changes to arrangements, no requests for him to do anything as he didn't do it anyway and that used to wind me up. If he is interested in school stuff like reports (he isn't) well he is big enough to sort that out with the school. My stomach used to sink when I got a text or email from him so it's better this way. He does a lot of things I don't approve of but I let a lot of it go these days for my health and sanity.

Peach wow. What a story. I can't believe your ex sits in your family home and watches you struggle on your own with the children. It's truly shocking.

Hello everybody, I hope you are well. I'd like to say Me too! I am with DP, the son of a narcissist, and every so often he's a good imitation! X

update

He wasn't even late on Friday... had texted me at 5.15 to say he was just leaving fgs.

She was by that point eating tea so I said would carry on and drop her at 6pm as usually do, when we arrived he wasn't in, DD was a bit like o.0

He turns up 10 minutes later, DD cries and is upset, clinging to me, doesn't want to go (first time this has happened at handover although does often say in the week she doesn't want to go away) I tell him she's really tired and just wants her bed now after this being the first week of term (Scotland) then we drive off to Asda. Two minutes later they all go past in his sister's car to the shops!! They were still parked up when we came out of Asda.

He really doesn't have a clue about putting her needs first

Then today after all that fuss about wanting her, he wants to bring her home 6hrs earlier than arranged ffs.

I'm having to meet up with narc ex tomorrow morning to tell him he can't have unsupervised access to DCs until he can treat them properly. His time with them is all about him. Omg I'm nervous