support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

[besshope]

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

Hi all ! Ex is a narc. Who after 4 years I am finally learning how to handle! Great to know I'm not alone! Classic tale control, isoltion ( abroad) till he got bored and left for OW ( who he is essentially doing the same to!) she's half his age and from another country and has now 2. Babies under 2 !
Anyway it's my sons bday this weekend and he is
Asking to see him (. Fine - actually makes a change as he hasn't last few years - maybe all is not rosy in the garden with OW??
So he's asked for 2 hours ( my weekend) but DP has said we should say no as we'd planned a special brunch . In theory he's right but with Xmas coming up I'm tempted to say yes as
I know I will have. a bigger battle to fight ( AS I DO EVERY YEAR!!) as I end up with the worst deal no matter how it falls !!!
So my question is -
Should I just give in now as it may give me some ammo for Xmas - because apparently I ALWAYS control the situation ? And we go for lunch instead of brunch ?
Or should I just put my foot down and say no he fits
Round us ? ( also later is
Complicated due to other factors )
TIA

Sorry you've had such a shit weekend green hope this week goes better

In my experience there's no point being nice to them to gain points for the future dance because they conveniently "forget" about the times you've been nice and worked around them the moment you try and ask for something.

That's true Nat ! But it's also about my integrity ! And I know I can never make any "mistakes" I'll get beaten over the head for them!!
I think my DP thought I was exaggerating last Xmas till he saw the emails I was getting from him and then was disgusted by what he saw !
I'd love his new wife to see them - not sure she'd think she'd won the prize then!! ( have been tempted to cc her in a few times!!)
It's such hard work isn't it ! I start getting anxious around now as I know the yearly battle will start soon!! Despite us having a "plan" he wants to change it every time - but as this is a man who has ignored a court order for 3 years a mutual family plan means NOTHING to him!!

I agree that he should fit around you dance. Your generosity will be denied or used against you later.

All ranting welcome instantly.

frog - what a rubbish weekend for you and the kids, hope whatever it is starts to go soon. Did you go through your statement? I remember when you posted having first received it. No wonder you feel ill and can't sleep. I wish this part was over for you.

I've felt anxious all day, just that free floating type of anxiety. Found out following crash that apparently my car isn't economic to repair. Ex is legal owner of car, so now worried that they might pay the pre crash value to him. I've insured and run it since he left, and spent a lot of money on it. This won't matter to him. I'm going to keep quiet, hope they pay me the money as their client, and take it from there. If he wants the money he'll have to fight me for it.

I did go through the statement, nice; I felt as nauseous as I fix the first time I read it.

Dusters could you phone the company and say that you would like to check the bank account details for the insurance money, as you use different accounts and original car insurance may be paid through old account?

That way they may tell you the process and better still you can give them your account and sort code for records, or your name for the cheque

Sorry to hear about everyone who is feeling flu/colds. I find my ex's 'games' much worse when I feel low.

My ex was worried today about something my solicitor wrote to him and I thought 'now you know how I feel!'.

frog sending you goodluck flowers for court preparation. I hope the truth comes out. If you act normally hopefully he'll trip himself up.

That's exactly my intention Lilac. Great "criminal" minds think alike! I shall check out the payment details, which will hopefully put my mind at ease as to who will receive the money.

Glad to hear your ex is having to do some worrying, makes a bloody change.

Sending you good wishes frog.

Friend in similar situation to mine/ours but very badly, is in court tomorrow for divorce hearing, I'm going to go along later on to sit with her and give her a hand to hold, he's a proper nasty bastard, worse than mine and that is saying something. Not really relishing the thought of it but want to make it clear she does have people behind her.

Foof I have a friend who wasn't married and had a much worse ex than mine. So financially seems to be screwed and in lots of ways he's still controlling her and DDs (mind games about having to do stuff in a group for DDs benefit).

When we talk I feel bad about moaning about my ex as I know she's facing worse.

She is always happy to hear about my ex though, so maybe it helps that she knows she wasn't the only one thinking they had love and support for it to be a lie.

I expect your friend appreciates your understanding as others will just feel awkward and not know what to say.

Oh crap!

I've spent the last 24 hours wondering how I can say anything to make a difference. So sad to hear all the latest pressures for you all.

Only one thing has struck me, and I know it is MUCH easier said than done, but these bastards can only effect you as much as you let them. I KNOW it is awful with the kids twisted about, the lies told, social shitty services getting involved etc etc, been there worn the T shirt. But it just struck me that the only way to get through this might be to make a conscience decision that these bastards WILL NOT EFFECT you. Every time their actions have such devastating effects they have won back the control they thrive on.

I remember a shit boyfriend from years back who really messed me around for years recent realisation that this is a pattern of mine and my dad saying to me something like 'he can only pull your strings as long as you let him'. It was true. And the minute I lost interest in him and was unaffected (or so it was portrayed) by him, he lost interest.

I'm not trying to teach anyone to suck eggs, or criticise anyone, or minimise these bastards appalling behaviour, I just wonder if making a huge concentrated effort to look in a completely different direction from them, not allow them to get through the kids to you (near impossible that one I know) and focus as much as possible on that much brighter life ahead in the future, would work a teensy bit. I'm gonna try it anyway, For some reason I have had a wave of positivity and I am going to ride it for as long as I can, away from his shit.

And frog, the truth will out. Never doubt that. I have faith in you and faith that he will fuck himself up sooner or later and you will get some relief.

I agree Purple. We've left these men to get them out of our lives but now they're taking up space in our heads and hearts. I find when I've not had to text for a few days or weeks, and when I hear very little via the kids I can tune him out. It only takes an "event" though and I can feel the old anger and emotions rushing back.

Also, when people are going through court etc, like frog having to read her ex's statement of lies, it must be impossible to switch off? I agree in theory though that to disengage as much as possible, to leave them behind and look forward is the only way.

I had a really nice conversation today with somebody who I think I'd like to get to know better. Shortly afterwards I found myself thinking oh no dusters, look at all the crap in your life, who'd want you? But actually the crap is mostly in my head. Day to day my life is no different to most peoples.

I'd actually like to say to some people that I think I've done a bloody brilliant job of not going off the rails, of keeping my home and family together. I bet that goes for all of us on here. Look at all the shit we have to withstand. Yet we still have humour, compassion, insight, wisdom etc.

I hope your wave is huge and continues for as long as possible purple. You deserve it. I shall be on my surfboard of positivity with you!!

Purple - you are SO right.

I've been in a spin for the past few days because I've had to change our contact arrangement which is allowed for in our court order with 7 days notice. I gave way more notice than that and after hearing nothing back went ahead and booked tickets for something before they sold out: I've still not had confirmation that the change in arrangements is ok and despite my solicitor assuring me that I've done everything I can to follow the order and have acted reasonably I'm still worrying: the bastard is still managing to pull my strings even when I follow the rules.

It's utter shit.

Frog : I know it's of little comfort, but is this kind of behaviour likely to add to the general picture of him as an unreliable, untrustworthy dickhead? If you've got cast iron proof that you have followed the court order to the letter, in fact exceeded it, and he fails to even respond, that must count against him, surely?

The bit of Purple's post that is so hard to put into practice is to say you've done nothing wrong, sod him, and look forward to the event you've booked for. How you make that leap that they can, to act as you see fit and then put any consequence out of your mind, I just don't know.

Thanks dusters. I have court again next month so I know my wave won't be very long! BUT I am determined to stop letting him get to me. I know he lies, I know he will continue, and I also know that will NOT change. Why engage with that bullshit? He presses my buttons, that is why/how we are where we are, some fucked up attraction that will probably take years of counselling to unravel But, why am I letting his lies effect me? If I stop defending myself, working myself up, getting upset etc life will still go on. And it will be a whole lot nicer. I'll still have my beautiful DCs. I know I will be the positive influence in their lives and sooner or later they will see that. It's bloody hard and illness, financial crap, lack of sleep, emotional roller coasters etc all test the fuck out of the best of us. But I AM free of him - I need to start believing that and acting like I am. Why am I giving him any power?

And dusters you have done a bloody brilliantly job. And you will reap the rewards one day. Have a gold star for bloody lots of effort

Frog. Don't let him pull those strings - it's in your hands - really it is.

Well done for booking something nice, you more than followed the rules, now try, really try, and forget about it. Who cares about his opinion? We all know it's bullshit anyway!

Thank you for my star purple . I will pin it to my surf board!

Am going to try to stop sharing with rl friends quite so much of what happens with Mr Twat. I feel it's starting to define me too much. I don't want to be "the one with the twatty ex" - even if I am ! Hopefully this will help with the moving on process.

My mantra of "fuck 'em" has been great fun the last couple of days. Only trouble is I have to mutter it under my breath when the dc are around. If the interior of my car could talk I'd probably be arrested for offensive behaviour - what with singing Queen songs, the mantra, and lots of pre-emptive swearing at motorists coming within 10 ft of my courtesy car which I'm terrified of damaging!!!

Well done for booking anyway frog if he can't be arsed to respond that's his problem, not yours.

I actually find it amusing when I read through my ex's lies but that's only because I know that no one believes them, if I thought that someone might actually believe him then they would upset me.

I think I need to join this. Just out of a 28 year relationship with someone I have come to realise is a covert narcissist. Always knew he was selfish, he had bad home life and Mother was/is a nightmare. Made allowances for his behaviour and for any years he was mostly ok but became progressively worse as he became more successful at work. Has been a difficult last few years dealing with his selfishness and self interest. Constantly feeling that I was failing to live up to his standards. Found out about him cheating (his response was it was my fault because we weren't getting on) few years ago. Told me that he'd never done anything else, later found out that's not true. Realised he was a narc after our oldest pointed it out to him (and me) called him out for his behaviour which has lead to last few years of increasingly more selfish behaviour towards me and children. Finally earlier this year he asks to separate saying he needs some time apart. Knew there had to be someone else but despite finding evidence continued to lie until 2 weeks ago when he finally admitted that he's in a relationship with a Very young girl from his office. I know I will be better off without him but I have never been single as an adult and despite knowing he treated me badly it is still an awful shock to be dumped for someone young enough to be my (and his) daughter. Struggling to cope at the moment. Difficult times ahead as will have to co-parent with him for next 6 years. Feels like I have a lot ahead of me...

Welcome Greeba, but sorry you have to be here. Are you able to stay in the family home?

Hi Greeba

Glad you found us but sorry that you have to be here.

God I feel low today

Could I join please? I can relate with so many of you. Marc, controlling ex who believes he is god's gift. We have DC together. Disappeared, came back. Now screams his rights. I'm always scared that he will want more and more and take DC away from me :-(.

Hi Homely my first fear when I found out that my ex had OW was that they'd go for full access and I'd lose DCs. Reality is that ex is happy having life with OW and just is disney dad for short periods with DCs. I think narcs are more keen on easy life than actually taking important roles.

Do you have the majority of the childcare time now?