Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

992 replies

besshope · 03/08/2016 07:58

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

OP posts:
Froginapan · 08/10/2016 14:57

Hi swans, welcome to the thread but sorry you have to be here. It is hard and exhausting - dealing with these kind of people is a daily Krypton Factor type affair.

Dusters - I know what I would do about this, but what do you want to do?

nicenewdusters · 08/10/2016 15:14

At the moment things tick along. He has very set contact times. He does stick to pick up and drop off times (last night excepted), and I do allow for traffic and other things outside of his control. He doesn't let them down, always turns up. They are still involved with his family, he takes them on holiday, does a mixture of Disney Dad and normal stuff. He pays maintenance that I am satisfied with. He has not tried to make me leave or sell our jointly owned home.

A lot of the crap is mentioned above, and like all of us I could fill a whole thread with more of it.

So, in terms of solicitors letters and ss I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go down that road. I have basically no contact with him, and that suits me down to the ground. What I wanted today was to ensure he knew that his behaviour was dangerous, and to stop him doing it in the future. I knew he'd never acknowledge his guilt, I knew he'd pick me up on daring to question him.

I'm interested to know what you'd do. I feel I'm not seeing things very clearly at the moment. I think I'm still minimising.

PurpleThursday · 08/10/2016 16:00

Oh dusters, what absolutely classic behaviour on his part.

Maybe, because everything else is good for for you and you don't want to have a head on fight with him (we already know there is no point and it is a waste of energy) Could you just say can you make a rule between you that he is sure you are in the house and the children are safely inside before he drives off? That way you have an arrangement in place and if he breaks it again you are in a stronger (for want of a better word) position.

I'm also wondering if there is a way to drop in (nicely but make the point) that the neighbours were quite shocked your DC were left alone by him. That may make him be a little more careful with someone else involved?

I'm sorry. There is no getting anywhere with them. I don't really have a satisfactory answer!

PurpleThursday · 08/10/2016 16:00

Oh dusters, what absolutely classic behaviour on his part.

Maybe, because everything else is good for for you and you don't want to have a head on fight with him (we already know there is no point and it is a waste of energy) Could you just say can you make a rule between you that he is sure you are in the house and the children are safely inside before he drives off? That way you have an arrangement in place and if he breaks it again you are in a stronger (for want of a better word) position.

I'm also wondering if there is a way to drop in (nicely but make the point) that the neighbours were quite shocked your DC were left alone by him. That may make him be a little more careful with someone else involved?

I'm sorry. There is no getting anywhere with them. I don't really have a satisfactory answer!

nicenewdusters · 08/10/2016 17:33

Yep Purple it's all classic, isn't it?

I'm hoping my text will make it clear that he needs to ensure I'm here before he leaves. It seems incredible that that information would even need to be relayed to a fully functioning adult!!

I said in my text that the new neighbour had taken them in. He's so thick skinned I don't imagine he'll feel any embarrassment. He's already reframed it as my fault, so he probably thinks I should feel ashamed.

On a side issue, how are your friends when you share this type of experience? I find that only the ones in a similar position get it, the rest just look slightly uncomfortable and don't say much. I feel that they don't want to hear how hard it can be, because there but for the grace of god they go. It's all a bit messy, and they don't want to get involved.

My closest friend said the other day she knew that her dh would never be like this. It's a second marriage for both, not idyllic by any means, and her first dh was violent to her. That really upset me for some reason. I said I hoped she was right, and that I would have said the same before my split. Sometimes I feel they all think it's a bit Jeremy Kyle, and I'm spoiling the atmosphere! Perhaps I just have a strange group of friends?!!

PurpleThursday · 08/10/2016 18:14

Dusters you keep describing absolutely perfectly how I feel!! I feel strange around my friends. My best friend and a couple of v old ones are utterly on my side but there are a lot that I am starting to feel a bit 'on the outside of'.

There are a lot of marriages around me that to all outsiders look lovely but so much unhappiness going on under the surface, and it seems wives who put up with it for whatever reason.

I went to a friends house for a small gathering of friends one night last year. I think I was the only single parent - mostly marrieds.

One couple turned up about 2 hrs late as her DH was in a mood - they also left after about 45 mins of him mooching about miserably-waste of a babysitter.

Another 'DH' sat on the stairs alone looking moody looking at his phone.

Another DH was grumpy and said he was going early again - despite his wife asking if he could please stay as they hadn't been out for ages together & had babysitter etc. He still left and she stayed.

Another 'DH' was pretty drunk and making an arse of himself.

I have never been so grateful to be single and not to have to carry a moody, selfish, miserable male in my life!!

I like to play back that memory if ever I get a lonely moment. Grin

FoofFighter · 08/10/2016 18:39

Unfortunately with me having to go into homeless acomm with dd, with no wfif and also keeping up working ft I didn't have time/opportunity to talk with friends much, and in that time, he slipped in and set the rot in :(

SO I don't have anywhere near the kind of relationship with s lot of them that I did have, I feel quite left out, ignored, unbelieved... even almost 2 yrs on.

nicenewdusters · 08/10/2016 18:59

I'm sorry that you can empathise Purple and foof, but I can't tell you how relieved your posts have made me feel! I thought I was becoming paranoid.

Earlier today I saw my closest friend, with another lady that she has recently become friends with. I know her slightly. I was just waiting with them for a few minutes, and it came up about what had happened. I didn't want to talk about it, but it's been such a shit day it just came out. I didn't go into too many details and wasn't emotional. My friend just sat there looking at me, making the odd face and rolling her eyes. She never once said what a git, or how awful.

She's just texted me with some info I needed. No mention of earlier. I thought perhaps she was quiet earlier because of her new school mum friend. But no, even one to one nothing.

I can identify with your description of the group Purple. All those miserable dh's, with wives trying to make it better. As some in my group have said to me, me and my ex seemed like the ones who got along the best. This was probably true. Most of them are pretty happy I think. A lot compromise to keep it so, some are not so happy but don't want to rock the boat. I feel today like I never want to talk about it to them again, and in fact I think I won't. I'll just discuss it with my couple of friends who are in a similar position. If it affects the other friendships then so be it.

Maybe you are my secret twin Purple, or your ex was my ex's secret twin!!

PurpleThursday · 08/10/2016 19:06

Oh foof that is shit.

I suppose they weren't very good friends if they behaved like that? But also maybe it's not so bad and they actually don't know what to say/can't cope. It might be worth reaching out and trying? If there is a second to spare in your day, I know how shit it can be. But some support/a change of scene is invaluable in the hell sometimes.

My life has felt extremely Jeremy Kyle at times and I can feel some people distance themselves from me. I always just hold on to the fact that 'the truth will out'. It's all about trying to cling on to some self confidence and waiting for your day to shine I think? I know who I am. My DC's ultimately know I am their rock too. And no one can go through life bullshitting/in denial/causing waves to hide behind for ever I don't think. My XH will be exposed for exactly the person he is. And I will be standing there quietly smiling with dignity and relishing every second.

PurpleThursday · 08/10/2016 19:14

Today's theme tune (I am feeling more positive.

Blast in girls!

PurpleThursday · 08/10/2016 19:14

Blast it even!!

nicenewdusters · 08/10/2016 19:55

That's the stuff Purple.

Froginapan · 08/10/2016 20:13

Ooh, good one Purple!!!!

This is what I've been blasting out on really bad days:

nicenewdusters · 08/10/2016 20:25

That's one of my favourite Queen tracks to play in the car! I can sing along really loudly without an audience. Loved Freddie M.

PurpleThursday · 09/10/2016 01:46

Gosh he looks so young. Love that frog thanks. Wine

PurpleThursday · 09/10/2016 01:48

I think this one might be quite important for us.... Suck it up...

m.youtube.com/watch?v=04854XqcfCY

Natsku · 09/10/2016 10:08

Now my ex is demanding to know the name and phone number of my doctor so he can talk to them about me! Apparently he needs to tell them that I am sick and delusional. I told him to talk to the social workers if he has any concerns but that's not good enough for him.

PurpleThursday · 09/10/2016 10:49

Natsku he's pissing in the wind. Ignore him if you can.

Natsku · 09/10/2016 11:44

Trying my best to. He also thinks its acceptable to tell DD to ignore me when I tell her its time to say goodbye to daddy because dinner is ready.

nicenewdusters · 09/10/2016 12:17

Agree with Purple on the ignoring as much as possible. So hard to do though. Does he have a clinical diagnosis of a mental health problem? Sorry if you've already said earlier on the thread.

PurpleThursday · 09/10/2016 12:18

Those kind of comments - although annoying as hell - are quite easy to dismiss. I would say something to her bright and breezy like 'what a funny thing to say?! You don't want to miss out on your tea do you!?' Sooner or later (depending on their age) DC's will see clearly who is the unreasonable one.

Natsku · 09/10/2016 12:22

Yes, he has delusional disorder, been sectioned with it twice for a few months each time in the last few years.

Sounds like the best way to deal with it purple

SkyRabbit · 09/10/2016 12:47

Hi can I join please? I'd thought my emotionally abusive ex had calmed down (7years post split!) but he tried to take the youngest from school on Friday and it's all erupted again. All because the youngest had 'defied him'. He's now refusing to see him until his 'attitude improves!' The school were amazing and wouldn't let him take him away, but my poor boy Sad

Natsku · 09/10/2016 13:08

Oh no sky, your poor boy. Glad the school didn't let him take him.

nicenewdusters · 09/10/2016 13:08

That sounds frightening for all of you Natsku. Glad you have the professionals on side with you.

Welcome SkyRabbit. What a dreadful thing to do to your son. How old is he (if you want to say)? Your ex may have said he doesn't want to see his son, but does your son want to see his dad? I'm guessing the defiance was completely minimal or imagined, and just wounded your ex's inflated sense of ego/pride?