support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

[besshope]

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

FFS, Dusters. He is an utter prick, an entitled, selfish, complete and utter prick.

Of course he just drove off expecting you to be sitting in waiting for him to drop off the children at whatever time he chose - I mean, you're a mum and your only purpose in life is to provide childcare to his children when it suits him.

Turd.

Best to double check, then you have something solid to present.

I've always admired social workers too, they do such an unforgiving job. They've heard so much abuse from my ex, I feel really sorry for them, but they keep engaging for the sake of DD.

You have him summed up perfectly frog.

I can't help thinking a little (big?) part of him thought that if I wasn't there it would show what a bad mother I am. We have very good neighbours, all their lights were on, so he probably figured worse case scenario they'd go to one of them.

I'm tempted to tell him tomorrow that if he ever pulls this stunt again I'll have to consider whether the children are safe with him. We've never had to involve lawyers etc before, and he loves a fight, so I don't want to spark some legal battle. He'd love to think I was threatening to deny him access to the children. I think I might just send him a vile text, saying what a shit irresponsible father he is, and that he frightened the children. I hate him so much my chest actually hurts.

Thing is, dusters, he just went so far over the line that it's just a dot on the horizon.

A vile text won't do anything except give him more opportunity to suggest any number of unsavoury things about your character.

The only thing these type of people understand is actual consequences - like dealing with a 5 year old

These updates make me feel so angry about the men - it really is all about them and their need for control over prioritising DCs!
Hope everyone's DCs ok

I'm fortunate that my DM helps me with schoolruns and school holiday childcare, as ex likes the brief Disney encounters "I love you, here's some cheap plastic toy, you love me, bye".

My DM has suggested that I don't ask him for help, as it comes with a price, but she's retired and doesn't always have the energy for my youngest (DS 5yrs). So I feel guilty that she's put out by my bad choice for a husband.

MN is my outlet and reminds me I'm not the only one that wanted a 'normal' family, only to realise I was with a narc and now my DCs have one as a dad.

The last time I asked for help I was told 'I'm not your support network'.

I think you're right frog. You are much more pragmatic and clear sighted about these things than me. I just can't connect with the person that he seems to be/has become. He's so far from how I view the world that I don't know how to deal with him. I feel physically violent towards him right now. Who the fuck does he think he is?

I'll be honest, I don't know what I should do to address what he's done tonight? Any thoughts appreciated.

Sadly dusters I don't think there is much you can say that will make a difference. I had a v similar discussion with a counsellor about these things and I realise although don't know how and don't like the fact that I cannot change my XH. He will never change and I am wasting energy and emotions trying to persuade him of any issues regarding decent childcare. I am trying to work through that at the moment and I don't really know the answer or how to cope with it.

Frog that's like my ex saying "I don't owe you any favours" when I ask about proper childcare.

Erm...well you have 3 adults looking after you (OW/partner and his parents), but no being a dad is a struggle?

Bet with friends they do the "I'm always helping why is she moaning" line. Grrr.

It's not because I'm more pragmatic than you, dusters, it's because I'm emotionally detached from the situation.

Trust me when I say I struggle with the exact same issues as you: I do not recognise the monster I now know - he's a world away from the man I met and thought I knew and I find myself reeling from the utter heartbreak and cognitive dissonance every single day.

How about something like:

It is not on to drop the children off early, at the front door, at night assuming I am in.

Do not put them in that predicament again.

If he does it again or does something else to put the children in a situation they should not be finding themselves in contact a solicitor.

Lilac - I empathise 💐💐💐

You have reminded me of ANOTHER occasion tonight! My DC was 6 and being bullied by a child at school. Quite badly, child had pinned DC against the wall and repeatedly smashed DC's head against it for no reason at all . Quite a few other scenarios and this child had done similar (and worse) to others, school were slow to deal with it and my DC was very stressed and anxious and didn't want to go to school. I always took DC to school. One day I was ill and XH did school run. He dropped off - LEFT - my little DC outside locked school gates alone 10 mins before the gates were due to be opened. The bully lived just near the school. XH didn't want to be late for work and just buggered off without a backward glance.

I never even managed to get him to acknowledge this was the wrong thing to do - of course I was 'over-reacting' and 'being unreasonable' etc.

Jeeeeeez. I'm so glad that idiot doesn't live under my roof anymore.

dusters have you ever tried an 'attack' style fitness class?

I find imaginary 'air thumping and kicking' my ex to music (when DCs in bed lets off steam. Good exercise too.

I'm with purple that I think this is probably him; his nature. My counsellor suggested that I imagine my ex didn't have a conscience. Then I'd stop trying to understand him and move forward, keeping my sanity.

Could he be shamed into not doing the samething again if your DCs tell him they were upset and there's a chance they'd say something in front of grandparents?

Thank you for the replies. I like that wording frog. It concentrates on his behaviour and their safety.

"Cognitive dissonance". Yes, that's it. I feel like I've been strong, and my heart is hardened to cope with all that's happened. But the whole time it's like I'm balancing several realities. The old life, mostly good times and memories. Then, facing up to things that actually weren't that good, and having to be honest and ask why I didn't see them for what they were. And now, this strange, cold person, who drives to my house and takes my children away for certain periods of time.

I'm sorry for all our heartbreak. None of us deserve this - nobody does.

Sorry I keep stirring up bad memories for you Purple !! That's just hideous, he was only 6 FFS?

I haven't heard of that attack style class Lilac. It sounds like it could be just the thing, will have a look into it.

I doubt they'd tell him they were upset. He's managed to make dd feel sorry for him. She always quick to defend him, tell me about any illness he has, if he's busy at work or something. They certainly wouldn't tell his parents. His dad is a textbook narc, the catalyst for our split, and the kids don't relate to them in that way. I hope I'm wrong and they do say something though. Ex is the golden child however, so the fault will still be with me.

He's nc with my parents, as I am with his.

Afternoon all. Thank you for talking me down last night.

Have just sent text, using Frog's words plus a few other factual details. No sniping, no name calling, no threats. He has just replied.

"Oh dear".

I don't intend responding. As they say, you can't argue with stupid.

You really can't argue with stupid. Don't know what is best to do, no point going legal route if he loves a battle. Maybe threaten to report him to SS for leaving the children locked out of their home.

'Oh dear' - goady much?

Typical gas lighting technique - dusters you're so over sensitive/hysterical/tightly-wound/too controlling/too strict/paranoid but I want to covertly tell you this knowing you will know what I mean so that I can then cast even more light on your level of crazy and get you to doubt yourself.

Posted too soon:

By denying any knowledge of how flippant and inappropriate my reply to your pointing out my irresponsible actions really is.

When my lack of engagement in an adult conversation about our children's safety and wellbeing makes you snap and take action of some sort I will then triangulate with every flying monkey I can lay my hands on to expose you as the vicious, bitter harpie I need you to be so I don't have to examine myself in any way whatsoever.

Oh it gets better.

Ex:

"Don't you ever speak to me in that self-righteous tone again. For one it is not xxxx job to tell you what time she and xx will be back. It is your job as the primary carer to text me what time you will be back if you had done that then all would of been ok"

My reply:

No, it is your "job" as the person who's care they are in to let me know that you are returning early. If you don't let me know, you then need to be certain I am home before driving off. Don't try and make this about my "tone". This is about their safety and your responsibility.

No acknowledgement that he left them. Trying to turn it on me, just as you suggested last night that he would frog, by implying I should be sitting around waiting for them.

Have just had quite a heated discussion with dd. She's so defensive of him. I'm trying to make them see that there is no reason that defends him leaving them.

Your post is very accurate frog. That's exactly how he tries to portray me.

Natsku - that sounds like a tool/weapon I can keep in my armoury for another day, hopefully a day that won't come.

Has this kind of thing happened before, dusters? Has he forfeited their welfare/safety in preference to trying to keep you in your place/play games/rattle you?

Hello all, not been on for a while as I lost the thread

I think it was here rather than my FB group that I mused the possible reason for a sudden drop of interest in goading me - like it's been said upthread:
*greencarbluecar Sat 01-Oct-16 20:57:47

Ex is being reasonable, in an abrupt about-face. My spidey senses are tingling...not least because I've uncovered yet more of his lies.*

My spidey senses were indeed tinglying - foudn out the reason why - he's seeing someone, he felt the need at 9am on a Saturday morning to text me this - not in the slightest interested in his love life (this is the first I think since I left in Jan 15) as long as DD is happy enough with it.

Hoping on the one hand that he fucks it all up with them in similar ways to with me. Vindication!

Also hoping his toxic sister acts the same way as with me, more vindication!

Yet hoping for the poor girl's sake, (and she does appear to be around 15yrs younger than him) and for DD who'd be witness - that it doesn't.

Also wondering what he's told her about me (I can guess!) and how to act around her when I meet her, which no doubt I will.

Bit of conflict at drop off today about Xmas - we agreed via mediaton to alternate - his yr last time, mine this year. He wants to take her out a few hours on Xmas Day - I 've said no. he didn't like that. I predict shenanigans.

hello, just joining this thread. Sorry if I'm a bit of a late starter. Sad to hear all of your stories, it's pants being in this position isn't it?

To answer your question frog. A few weeks after he left my son decided, at the last minute, not to go with him one afternoon. He didn't send my son back in to tell me this, he didn't text me. I jumped in the car to go out, luckily I saw him on a neighbours drive with his friend. I texted ex and said you need to let me know if he's not with you. I don't think he replied.

This is the only other occasion I can recall.

Foof - that sounds like a whole new avenue of irritation.

awana - welcome. I'm afraid you've caught me mid rant! And yes, it is pants.