support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

[besshope]

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

Thank you Lilac and *Purple. Your posts were so lovely

Lilac - your words are spot on. I love that list, number 5 really made me laugh. No 1 is so pertinent to me. In all this crap I'm so determined not to change. My ex used to say to me that you see the good in things, and you're very fair, most people aren't like that. I would tell him that a lot of people are like that, most people like other people and wish them well. He comes from a family that taught him everyone's out to get you, keep your guard up etc.

Thinking about support. A few years ago I became seriously ill overnight. We'd all been unwell, and were up calling the local service for our young dc. I collapsed on the floor, and when he came in I said I can't get up. He asked me what he should do, not unkindly but like a child would ask. Ambulance? Whilst we waited I don't remember any real tenderness or concern, just a sort of blankness. That continued for the next couple of days.

I returned to a chaotic house "because he still wasn't feeling too good". He looked after me for the next few days, but told me on several occasions that the people he was working for (GPs) didn't think I'd really had xxx illness !!!

I told him I was quite happy with my diagnosis from the hospital staff who had examined, tested and treated me. He couldn't bear that it wasn't all about him. I don't know how I didn't see it at the time. I suppose because he was generally quite caring this masked all the crap bits.

Can I add to the list - the wisdom to know your self worth.

You're right about my neighbours Purple. I'm very lucky. It's one of those communities that everybody tells you doesn't exist anymore - I dread moving!

Car and neck update! Just spoke to lovely guy at the insurance company. Lots of jokes about what condition is your bodywork etc! Car being collected today, courtesy car left, repairs estimated at less than value of car - hooray! Neck feels stiff but not too painful, GP appt later to check. Had a good nights sleep so feeling better about tackling the day. Not working today to rest myself, will see a couple of friends, so, so far so good.

Hope you all have a peaceful and trauma free day!

Glad you are ok, nice.

These men are utter cads. Fancy being more bothered about the car FFS. They are children in overgrown man-like bodies and horrible egos.

Today I popped to see a friend who lives near my ExP: he has been lording it about the street since he came back to his house, loudly proclaiming what a terrible year he has been having (he shouldn't have assaulted me then) and being over-the-top nice to the neighbour's.

This past Summer he demanded the family car back even though he had use of my small car. I had to buy a new car that was suitable for myself and the children. He now has the family car and a new high end manufacturer car. He's been showing it off to everyone exclaiming how in need of a treat he was because of everything I have put him through.

Thank you Frog. Feeling ok. Had an x ray earlier as GP wanted to rule out a neck fracture! Won't get the results for a couple of days, so walking around like Frankenstein with a funny head!

Cad, what a good word to use. It's hard to describe how I felt when I saw him jump out of his car and inspect the damage. He knows I'm likely to have seen him, it seemed like such a callous act. I can truly say that if the situation had been reversed I would probably have texted him just a short message, along the lines of heard what happened, hope you're ok. That makes me sound insane I know, but also makes me hope I've somewhat managed numbers 1 and 2 in Lilac's list.

Your ex and the car Frog, you must be raging. I hope the neighbours know something of your side of the story and think he's a dickhead?! I didn't used to say much about my ex to neighbours and friends. Now I say enough to let them know what an arse he has been, and just how difficult he can be now.

Perhaps I could pay the person who drove into the back of me to rear end your ex's lovely shiny new motor?!!!

Save your money and treat yourself to something lovely - a far better way to spend it!

Yes you're right. Revenge fantasies only go so far!

If I get any compensation from my crash it'll be treats all round.

Hope your neck is OK dusters what a twat to only care about the car. Hope you get compensation.

Thanks Natsku. Yes, a bit of compo would be very welcome.

Hope your ex has stopped with the incessant phone calls.

Dusters you have just given me a memory I had completely forgotten about!!

In Eurodisney, 6 months pregnant with ExH and 4 year old. I suddenly came over really unwell, felt awful and actually sat down in the middle of the path as I was so worried I would pass out/fall over. He JUST STOOD THERE!! ---- Looked at his phone for a bit, walked about a bit, didn't ask if I was ok, get me some water. Nothing at all !!!! He was absolutely clueless. It was a really bizarre situation!! God, when I look back I really didn't marry a man. What a strange little boy he was!

I've been screening my ex's calls for the last few days - 24 calls so far. DD has her phone with her tonight and still he calls me and OH. Social worker has been in touch about visit details so I think they are making an official report or decision.

God Purple that's so weird. It's almost like they're playing at being a grown up, and when it's all trundling along it's ok. When they have to go off script it's like the lights go out. I do remember my one reservation with my ex, in the early days, was that he was quite immature in some ways. It was quite endearing then....... How bizarre that your ex didn't even say what's wrong.

That's a crazy number of calls Natsku. It must all surely go against him as regards unsupervised visits. Hope you hear something soon.

That's one thing about my ex, he will at least act concerned if I get ill. I had to go to the hospital a month after I left him and he picked up things from my house for me and brought DD to visit me every week and drove me home when I was discharged. Whether it was just some game he was playing or not I don't know but at least he wasn't clueless.

Yeah hopefully this will all go against him. DD is visiting OH's grandma's summer house for the night so its up to her if she answers the phone to him but he better not call me.

Hi all
How do you deal with the Disney dad scenario? Exh has been doing it a lot recently with his new (younger [no kids]) gf. This weekend they even went shopping together for a Barbie doll - My DD is nearly 11 yrs old, I was mortified as DD hasn't had a Barbie doll since she was about 5 and is currently studying for entry exams for secondary school..am I wrong to be so annoyed that exh doesn't know anything about his DD?!
DD comes back to me with attitude and distant - is that normal? She normally comes back to herself after a few hours but it always make me wonder what cr@p is being said to her.
I did ask him not to mention the split last time via email and got some very nasty responses back..

I don't really have any answers messedup, just wanted to sympathise and say I'm dealing with similar.

My dd is 11 and just moving into the tweenager phase (hate that word but can't think of a better one). Her attitude is therefore changing a bit anyway, but when she comes back from ex I definitely feel like the enemy for an hour or so.

I'm trying to just leave her to it, and not rise to any comments. I find it easiest to ask very little about what they've done with him, just basics. I don't think he actively says horrible things about me, it's more the subtle stuff, poor old victim dad shit, and making out I'm a control freak. I find the odd sarcastic remark sometimes helps, along the lines of "well, dad never did like being told what to do, by me or anyone."

Unless they have 50/50 custody, which encompasses all the day to day stuff, the Disney Dad scenario seems unavoidable. I used to think I'd try to make our home the Disney equivalent - that lasted about 10 minutes I think!!

I saw a programme years ago where a 19 year old was talking to his dad, a fun, play boy type who was divorced from his mum. The dad asked him if he thought he'd been a good parent. The son replied that they'd had fun, and that he was the kind of dad that children think they want, but that his mum was the kind of parent that they actually need. The dad looked a bit rueful but was big enough to acknowledge the truth of this.

My ex is currently trying to wriggle out of taking responsibility for something which most parents would see as a bit of a grot job - but it's on his day with the dc, and he agreed to it in principle. I can see my dd being a little bit deflated each time she's let down or he makes things tricky. I will of course let him make a complete arse of himself. She'll be upset, she'll still defend him, but at least she'll see it's about him, not me.

Gosh. This completely sums up my XH.

earthables.com/sociopaths-say-1931696913/

Particularly...

Narcissists have an excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, and a sense of entitlement.

Any bells ringing out there?

By the way dusters you sum things up so well and have some brilliant advice. I would like to hire you as my life coach

Urgh can't believe ex tonight. He called DD while she was at her friends and spoke to her for an hour while her friend was trying to play with her and for the last twenty minutes both DD and her friend were basically saying 'fuck off' (in a 5 year old manner) to him but he wouldn't hang up. Finally OH, who was there, said they were getting dressed to leave (they were off to the summer house for the night) but he kept calling back repeatedly while they were trying to leave. He called my phone too.This is beyond annoying, its stopping DD from living her life now. I need to make sure this is mentioned in court.

Ding ding ding!!!

Sums up my mother, my ExH and my ExP - I see a pattern....

Frog. The patterns are a bit frightening, I see them too. But I think they offer light at the end of the tunnel once you do see them.

Oh Purple that's very touching, thank you for such kind words. I find all the advice and comments on here so interesting. I feel very validated and not so alone in what's happening.

I haven't had a chance to read your link yet but will do so later tonight.

My week has continued to be slightly bizarre. A friend phoned today to ask if I would pop round tonight, as her dh would be out. They've been having troubles for a while. Lots of background but basically he's been royally taking the piss. He lost his job, she found out he was drinking, the kids don't like being with him, he does nothing and is basically a liability. He's quite controlling and she's very unhappy

She told me today she had discovered he was having an affair. I saw the messages (sickening) and the OW actually dropped round to pick something up while I was there! She's getting her MN ducks in a row before confronting him, he's out the door with her foot up his arse. She had a kind of haunted look, and I just know he's going to be an ex who qualifies for this thread.

My dc were out tonight with ex. I told my dd I would be at my friends (local) and to text me to let me know what time they'd be back. I didn't hear from her, so was about to leave to be back before the time they usually get home. My phone rang and it was my (new) neighbour, who fortunately had my number. She said she had my children with her. They had been banging on the door and she went out to see what was happening. My ex had driven off !! So, basically he'd left two young children outside their home (we live in a dark semi-rural area) not knowing if I was there. I was so embarrassed when I collected them, having virtually run home in the dark with a dodgy neck. She was stunned that he'd driven off.

My dd apologised for not texting me. She said dad was feeling unwell so had dropped them home earlier. I said hadn't he thought to check I would be there? I've just said he's very irresponsible and foolish for leaving them there. She said he knew about my accident, so I said what if I hadn't been able to get to the door? I'm absolutely fuming. I don't know whether to text him tomorrow to tell him what a dickhead he is, what's the point?!!

Natsku - was typing whilst you posted. Didn't want you to think I'd read your post and was doing the "but that's enough about me, let's talk about me" routine!!

That seems an all time low from what you've said before. Surely this must feed into a picture of him as being totally unsuitable to have normal unsupervised contact with your dd. He clearly has no appropriate boundaries. I hope your dd wasn't too upset/confused by the crazy phone call.

Dusters I am speechless!

Bloody hell, he just left them? How old are they dusters?

I don't know how DD was affected by the call as I only know second hand through OH but it is really fucked up and low in my opinion and I'm going to mention it to the social workers and my lawyer. I am so so glad I have the social workers involved, they are fabulous and really seem to care about DD. If I ever get rich or win the lotto I will donate money to the local child protection unit because I think they really go above and beyond what they have to.

I can't get my head around it Purple. He's a twat of the highest order but what the fuck was he thinking? Did he think he'd teach me a lesson, about daring to have a social life and not be there when it suited him? Who would take such a chance with their children's safety?

I said to my dd why on earth did he drive off if I hadn't opened the door, she said well the lights were on. I said yes, because I was out and coming back to an empty house. What with my friends cheating dh, and the absolute wanker of a father I've saddled my poor children with I just give up.

Natsku So glad the social workers are good. You hear so much that is negative about them, but it's a job I've always admired.

My dc are 11 and 9. My youngest has huge issues about being left/abandoned since ex left. I'm really hoping this doesn't set him back.

I'm going to speak to my neighbour tomorrow, to just double check he didn't drive off when he saw they were with her. That's not what she or dd said though, I think I'm clutching at straws.