support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

[besshope]

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

Oh the housework. I never did anything according to my ex. He's even cited it as an excuse for his vile behaviour in his statement.

Natsku sorry to hear about your family crisis. I hope you are ok.

It makes things so much worse to have to deal with this on top of the daily grind of life doesn't it?

Your poor DP. I'd be tempted to get DD to call before bedtime, to take the power away and take the control back. She can say that she just wanted to say goodnight before her bedtime.

I bet it'll go to voicemail but hopefully the message will be received loud and clear.

Oh and the erection thing in the hospital was supposed to show that even while I was a hideous pregnant moose, he could still shag me. Lucky me, eh??

The sad thing for me is I have a lovely partner of 19 months now, and I'm always fighting suspicion, distrust and closeness incase I get hurt again. I'm going to lose him at this rate. When I tell him why, and what's happened in the past he's like .

And I say of course your like that, you find it unbelievable because you're a normal person who wouldn't dream of treating another human like that.

Ineed.

Do men like your partner actually exist?

I have yet to find one

Can I join? I really think my ex is a narc or worse! Im trying to sort out maintenance we've been split for 2 yrs, in the first 6 mths he paid nothing then I managed to get £120pm out of him which I'm sure he begrudges paying, this doesn't cover much so I suggested he up the amount to £180pm - I got a whole load of abuse via text. He has her EOW - my DDs choice shes 10, I drop her off shes happy she comes back shes got attitude.
I emailed him last night asking him to stop badmouthing me to her (comments she sad) and Im contacting CSA - all I get is why am I doing it, Im arguing with him and the best bit my DD can go and live with him and I pay him!!!
This is the bloke who was always at work and never had time for us as a family ffs
Can anyone empathise??

I can completely empathise. I have an ex husband like this. It's been years of the same stuff. I finally put my foot down this week and cut all contact.

counter-parent is a great concept.

Frg, remember the housework thing, he was the same. I had a full time night job, and I used to come home after a 12 hour shift and look after DD because we couldn't afford the childcare realistically (he didn't want to pay when I could do it..) and I would have to be awake all day looking after a baby. He would get home and complain that his dinner wasn't ready/washing wasn't done/etc. I couldn't do enough basically.

I think I'm struggling because I'm not even indifferent towards him, I hate him. I've only recently confided in my sister one of the worst things he did to me because I just felt like I was suffocating under it all. He says that due to my anxiety - caused by him - I am an unfit mother and he will fight for full custody. I know he will never do this as he is as selfish as they come, but the threat happens at least once a month. He only has her for a weekend once a fortnight and he always ruins that free time I have. He will play on her being unwell or hitting his GF's child (she's been feeling left out) or something that he knows I won't switch off from. He's a serial proposer, he's on his second fiance since me, and I see everything he said to me in her - the commitment, the soul mate. ..all of it. I wouldn't dream of getting involved but a few weeks ago he announced he 'knew' I was trying to win him back, because I asked if he wanted to be part of DD's birthday celebrations (she's only 3), he and his newly acquired 'future family' had been discussing it. I just can't win. He repulses me but I act civil because I know I have to pick my fights with him because otherwise he takes over everything in my head. Which obviously translates as desperate to get his affection?!?!?!?!

It's been 2 years since we were a couple and I only feel like we are at the tip of the iceberg of what he's going to throw at me.

However I'm trying to keep my head above water, and I'd like to share this quote that I treasure:

"what i miss most is how you loved me. but what i didn’t know. was how you loved me had so much to do with the person i was. it was a reflection of everything i gave to you coming back to me. how did i not see that. how. did i sit here soaking in the idea that no one else would love me that way. when it was i that taught you. when it was i that showed you how to fill. the way i needed to be filled. how cruel i was to myself. giving you credit for my warmth simply because you had felt it. thinking it was you who gave me strength. wit. beauty. simply because you refused to take your eyes off it. as if i was already not these things before i met you. as if i did not remain all these once you left.” - Rupi Kaur

It brings me some light when I need it.

It would appear that my ex is scared of the CSA..I wonder why that is..
Am I being unreasonable by contacting them to sort out an arrangement?

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201502/forget-co-parenting-narcissist-do-instead

Bonfire please don't let him scare or worry you with those threats. Of course he's not going to fight for custody. It's hot air and posturing.

My cousins ex would do this. Didn't have a pot to piss in. Got another girl pregnant, cousins DS sharing a bed on overnights with him and new partner. No conditions to take DS whatsoever.

He threatened for the last time when my cousin said "ok, if that's what you want, why don't you get a solicitor and look into it, and get them to contact me?"

He backed down straight away, never mentioned it since.

If your ex wouldn't even pay for childcare he most likely won't pay for a solicitor.

Nats yes they do exist. There are good people out there, keep believing, but it's so hard to keep an open mind.

messed contact the csa! I found that sending screenshots of the conversation I had with them (before committing to anything) to my ex worked wonders in making him pay. He does still threaten to not pay so I am still considering going through with it but he didn't like the idea of throwing x amount of money away each month. We came to an agreement on how much he can pay which is just under what is suggested but I'm happy with that at the moment. If you need it and are not getting it/not getting enough/having it used agains you, go to the CSA. One less thing for you to worry about once it is sorted.

messedup because they work in rationality and cold facts. Not emotional blackmail and manipulation.

Narcs have fear and hatred of dealing with authority. They like to feel better than the law.

Messed that is a great link. Thank you.

Great quote, Bonfire.

Interesting article, Messed. Thinking about it, I can see that to some extent I fall into the trap of feeling sorry for dd and I can see how easy it would be to (unconsciously) encourage her to think of herself as a victim. It's really helpful to have this pointed out.

Due back in court soon on a technical issue. ExH has an inaccurate view of the potential outcomes. We're both self-representing and he's responsible for the bundle. I've just realised he has manipulated it to leave out documents I am relying on. Not really surprised.

Thanks lemonpledge not ok really but don't have the option to not be ok as I've got to fight for my family so I'll cope somehow, just would be easier if I didn't have to cope with ex issues as well.

My OH tried every day to get DD to call her dad but she kept saying she didn't want to and he didn't feel comfortable forcing it. My ex is trying to claim that I'm legally obliged to answer the phone to him whenever he calls - told him to get his lawyer to find that law and contact my lawyer and hung up

Following links from Messed's article - this is my exH!

Biblio

That is so very very familiar

Not much time to post today but just wanted to say how good it was to read that you have somebody lovely in your life lemonpledge.

I get the feelings you describe of finding it hard to trust again. In my case, when we first met I gave my ex an overview of the type of EA I had experienced. I was very clear about what sort of behaviours I would not be able to tolerate, even if other people could. As things arose during our years together I would say that, although it wasn't his fault, xxxxx situation/behaviour was unacceptable to me because of my past. He was generally understanding, but my bottom line was always my peace of mind and good mental health.

It's a lot to ask of somebody, but if they love you as they claim they have to accept that it is part of you. If they can't, or ultimately you are asking for more than they can give, then it has to be so. It's rubbish, and so unfair, but you must be honest with yourself, and him. Sounds awful to say but after what you've been put through you must put yourself first, always.

Welcome to all newcomers to the thread .

Meant to add Bonfire that your quote is beautiful and heartbreaking. I bet a lot of us on here are "rescuers", I know I certainly am.

What I don't understand is, why is it so difficult for them to accept blame when it all goes wrong?? Ive admitted I was at fault and hes happy for me to take all the blame but hang on, it takes 2 people to work at a marriage?!!
Just today I emailed him asking him (asking him!!) not to badmouth me to our DD then all the replies I get is I'm making something out of nothing and its all my fault, Im a nasty person etc etc
FGS then he wonders why I don't want to speak to him and would rather the money go thru CSA...I don't want any bloody contact!!

I have a couple of questions, I guess a lot of this for me is 'tell me I'm not alone on this'- I still struggle to believe people can be like this even having experienced it myself.
Firstly, the ex, even now, says it is I that is manipulative/controlling etc. I hate this but how do you argue with it?! "No, you are"? It's setting me up to fail and I know it and keeps me spinning, drawn in to another psychological battle. Has this/does this happen to any of you? And what do you do?

Secondly, I never told anyone things he did to me, from dating sites to much worse, not while it was going on. I eventually managed to tell my family about the sites and a few other little bits but I couldn't say more. I think partly I am embarrassed and ashamed that it all happened and also now it has been so long, would anyone believe me now? I broke a couple months ago and told my sister one of the worst things just because I couldn't bear the weight of it anymore. I also contacted a helpline but too nervous to take much of their advice.
Have you ever managed to say it all out loud to family or friends?

I have more questions but I'll leave it there for now. Lots of love.

Bonfire

My answer to your first question is do not, under any circumstances, feed the Narc.

It's hard but defending yourself is actually doing the complete opposite. It is harming you. It is giving the narc the supply they need.

Detach, as hard as that is. Only reply to child focused emails. The rest is bollocks.

If he is that persistent perhaps you can use a third party to receive emails, let them take out all the irrelevant stuff and simply pass on the relevant child focused stuff to you?

For your first question, you don't argue with him at all. By the way you've set out your question, you already know it has to be a non-response. Pretend you're deaf or he's talking a foreign language. Just don't engage. I do a slight variation, which is a big cheerful grin as if he's said something very funny. ExH doesn't know what to do with that at all.

I do not want to tell family. I've said a few bits to friends. Mainly I found it useful to write it all out - get it onto the page and out of my head.

Messedup. Just a few thoughts. I genuinely believe now that some men, and I say men because that's who we're discussing here, just really don't see it. Their upbringing, coupled with a certain personality type, means they are literally experiencing a different reality to you. Of course sometimes it will just be bullshit, they'll know they're lying or reframing things. But I think there is an element that they don't get it.

I would guess lots of things feed into it. Having a high opinion of yourself as a man as opposed to a woman's role in life. Having had difficult parents/family life, so you lack good role models and are a mess of issues and unresolved conflicts.

The older I get the more I feel some men just do not really like women. They only want to be with them because they fulfill certain roles that they need, such as physical, a homemaker, producing children. They don't see the woman as a person in her own right, as having any autonomy. Therefore, when she turns around and says leave, I don't love you anymore, just support our children and be a decent father they literally don't know what to do. Apart from lash out, lie on the floor and be a victim and blame everything on the other person.

I guess it's like a toddler having the mother of all tantrums, except they're an adult so how on earth do you find a strategy to cope with it?

Nice that really resonated with me, particularly your first paragraph. They really don't see that what they are doing is wrong or even different to the next man. So so hard to deal with that..