support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

[besshope]

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

nice yes it's the one thing that keeps my sanity intact through this. That he has no other control in my life apart from letting DS down (well me really) with arrangements.

DS hasn't seen him for three weeks now. It's been stressful in some ways, coping alone, but the freedom I have at times is blissful.

Lawyer has told me to proceed with the divorce without giving him any second chances to work together with ex now. So begins the final leg.

I have to send a letter by registered mail to my STBXH asking for payment of maintenance according to the court rules. Then I take out a private debt on him using the government procedure. I won't get the money I imagine (12000 back payment) but I'll stick to the letter of the law with him going forwards.

It's a huge hill to climb but on the way to some closure from him at least.

Sending you all positive thoughts this Sunday

Fucking hell lemon. I felt angry and sick for you reading that. Thank God you got away from him.

YY to the flirting with the midwife. And acting like I wasn't there, and complaining that I got too much attention. I've blocked things out too, it's obviously self preservation but sometimes I have reminders that bring things back.

Frog you poor thing. Can you think of him as a pathetic little loser that he feels the need to do this (it is pathetic) and rise above it that way? It's so intrusive but if you let on it bothers you he's likely to do it more.

I really don't like having to see my ex. It's only at handovers but I never know how he'll behave or what's coming next and I get so anxious. I try not to let it show for DC and so far I've managed to stay calm and gloss over or ignore the manipulative shit each time but inside I'm a writhing mass of nerves. I hate that he can still do this to me and if the day ever comes that I don't feel like that it'll feel like a huge achievement.

Too much attention in labour Green?

Yep sounds fucking typical.

I remember seeing a very kindly midwife giving him some leaflets on PND in the corridor because I could stop crying when I was back on the ward.

He just stuffed them in his pocket marched down to my bed and said through gritted teeth "for fucks sake, pull yourself together..."

Couldn't even have PND as it would take the attention of him, eh?

Couldn't stop crying, not could!

Yep, and was so busy chatting up the midwife they didn't realise I wasn't progressing properly. He didn't like it when they did finally notice because then "you were the centre of it all". He went to his workplace while I was struggling in hospital postpartum. Couldn't pass up a bit of new dad attention could he.

I'm not surprised you couldn't stop crying! What a complete arsehole. I'm so sorry you had to go through that x

Yuck lemonpledge, I thought your story in the labour ward was funny till the erection part.

I had a C-section and exH loved being dressed up in the sterile gear for the operation. While I was still on the recovery ward, he kissed me and then bit my cheek hard to focus my mind on needing to look after little baby dd.

In retrospect, I can figure out why, when I was pregnant with dd and working full-time and he wasn't working, how come I was paying for him to have massages because he said his back ached. Also during pregnancy, when I suggested we split the cooking 50:50, he raged at me for "treating him like a woman". I should have twigged then that women = lesser being.

Oh well, it was a long time ago.

Narc, I also experienced a childcare setting where the staff were struggling with exH's aggression. They felt sorry for me and dd and certainly didn't ask dd to leave. The more appropriate response would be to bar your ex from the setting (although do make sure it doesn't mean he'll lurk a bit further down the street to accost you on your way home).

Bit your cheek???

Mother of god!!!!

How the f**k do you bite the cheek of the woman who has just given birth to your child?! That's seriously messed up

Seriously, some of these stories are horrendous.

I'm starting to feel a bit of a fraud being here.

💐💐💐 to you all

I bet we all have our own worst moments. I think mine has to be him standing next to the bed and masturbating over me to teach me a lesson for sleeping around...before I met him. God I stayed for 15 more years after that. At least he never did worse.

My worst was the time he told my son to fuck off and be a benefits kid with his benefits mother - my son was watching him tower over me as I sat on the couch saying horrible, demeaning things to me and he yelled at ex to leave me alone

I can't pick a worst one, I don't know which part of the abuse was worst

Forcing sex because I gave the baby 'too much attention' was probably the time I felt most hopeless

Frog I too feel like a bit of a fraud being here. My relationship was mainly good before the issue that caused us to split. Not perfect of course, but we were happy, although towards the end I felt like I'd changed a lot whereas he hadn't.

My issues have been with the way he treated me at the end, he was like a stranger. Also, his subsequent inability to be a parent with me, trying to pretend I don't exist.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship beforehand. At least this gave me much better boundaries next time around. I too have probably suppressed a lot of what happened, it's too distressing to think about. I'm fairly sure he was gay. He watched from the sidelines whilst my mental health broke down, knowing all the time he was the cause. It makes me shudder to think of him, my revenge is that I very rarely do.

For me some of the things were the words, only realising the emotional abuse of it all now.

He told me that if I tried to leave him or divorce him my son would be bullied at school (I had already had to move him from his Primary school because of bullying). I believed him at the time.

He also threatened suicide and told me countless times he could not live without me. I believed that too. (Despite FB videos appearing of him partying and having a great old time when he told me he was utterly destitute and broken and couldn't cope with life without me).

He also repeatedly shouted at me in front of my 10 year old that he would never let me destroy our family or allow me a divorce (my son blames me for our split despite the real reasons being many of the X's lies about debts and him isolating me from most of our family and friends, always playing the victim and lying).

It's taken a long time for my son to realise having me up against the wall shouting in my face that I am an idiot etc etc isn't an appropriate way to behave - he has mimicked this behaviour a lot.

Recently 3 months of not seeing the DCs at all despite many offers on my part and telling them that it was my doing. Telling them if he had been able to see them he would have taken them on wonderful holidays etc. The head games continue... And the poor kids suffer. I am utterly repulsed by him.

That is EA isn't it? Sometimes I feel I can't see straight and I have let my DC's down and split up the family.

I asked him to leave constantly for about 4 years. We had sex once in that time (I felt I couldn't get out of it). We didn't share a bed, I couldn't bear to be near him because of his lies. No hugs or making up ever, just horrible arguments. I couldn't sleep I felt so uneasy around him. But he always refused point blank to move out of my house.

What an utter shit he is Purple. Are you upfront with your dcs about his behaviour, letting them know when it is him playing games, lying etc?

I'm so thankful I never had kids with my ea ex. Although it was never going to happen. He helpfully told me and my mum that I couldn't have a child because I wouldn't be able to cope (he had the cheek to send me a congrats card when I had my first, at least he knew - straight in the bin). Also, I pointed out to him that you had to have sex to have a child so that was the more likely cause of it never happening!!

He was quite a bit older than me. I'd love to bump into him now and laugh in his wrinkly sad face.

I try and stay middle of the road. I don't want to slag him off to the DCs - my eldest has been in the middle of enough arguments and negativity over the last few years - they think the sun shines out of him anyway - but also I don't want them to really know how shit Dad was towards me if that makes sense.

He is in 'Disney Dad' phase at the mo, my eldest did say something like 'if Dad wanted to take us abroad on holiday why didn't he just ask then?' I think the penny is dropping with him. At the moment he believes the words and promises, it's so sad watching them be set up for a fall. Hard to know what to do but I just keep hoping EXH will follow through and put them first for once. Of course, I will be there to catch them if not.

Just saw this and seems so appropriate.

Cross posted with you Purple. That is absolutely, 100% EA. He caused the problems in your relationship, and instead of looking at himself he emotionally blackmailed you into staying. He was prepared to use your son to do so, and threatened to kill himself which is the lowest of the low.

He also lied to you so you wouldn't know which way was up. In addition, he verbally abused you in front of your child, which is EA for both of you.

The "am I right?" is the headf**k. I think that's the hardest part to explain to people when they say why didn't you just leave. My ea ex left everything to be with me, then when he was sure he "had" me turned into somebody else. But how could he be horrible, he loved me, only wanted me blah, blah, blah. Maybe it was me. I know with hindsight it was him, top to bottom, he was a nasty, insecure little coward.

You can see the abuse on other people's posts. You are not wrong.

That's a great saying Purple, to counter-parent.

I get what you mean about them knowing what their dad is really like, what he really did. Because unlike him you are normal, and a loving responsible parent, you don't actually want them to know they share a lot of DNA with a complete bastard! The 2 am in the morning "I hate him" version of you wants them to know everything, to despise him and decide not to see him.

But that is far outweighed by the rational you, who knows it would break their hearts (and yours) if they realised what sort of a man their father is. I think letting them know the situation and ask their own questions/draw their own conclusions is the way forward.

Thank you dusters it's amazing how much better it feels when someone understands you and validates your feelings. That man undermined or dismissed every feeling I ever had. In RL people would tell you what a strong, confident and capable person I am. I think that adds to the headfuck, it's almost unbelievable how my relationship with him changed me. I got completely lost. ... I'm on my way back though

Fucking hell, these 'men' are sick bastards, aren't they?! Very glad you all got away.

Haven't had to deal much with my ex the past week as I've been in England so he's been harassing my OH instead, calling him multiple times well after bedtime to 'talk to DD'. Right when I'm going through a horrible family crisis he suddenly kicks up a fuss about me being in England without DD, my OH was actually scared that my ex would turn up at our house.

New here. Been living apart from my ex for over a year now.

The time we were a 'couple'... he was on dating sites, texting other women...because I wasn't being 'nice' enough to him and giving him the attention he deserved through my pregnancy. Even though I had hyperemesis gravidarum for the whole time. He also did things much much worse that I feel like couldn't possibly have happened to me, how did I let it happen? I was never that person, a doormat, before I met him. I feel like he completely ruined me, for myself, first of all. And now the thought of having to communicate with him for at least the next 15 years... sometimes it takes me to a place I feel like I can't get back from.

Anyone else experience a compete lack of help around the home. Yet he seems to look like he does everything to everyone else. Mulling over my wifedom I realised he never changed sheets, cleaned the fridge, cleaned the microwave, washed the windows, dusted, polished, cleaned out cupboards or ironed for anyone but himself or if asked. He only vacuums if we have visitors coming and objectives pots washing on if he is running out of clothes. The bathroom is cleaned by our 14 year of daughter but deep cleaned by me once every few weeks. Or gutters need cleaning out and the garden needs cutting back. I have asked him for 4 summers running to clean the conservatory roof. He does fuck alland yet people praise him all the time about diy jobs he did a year ago. Yet I am accused of controlling him if I ask him to do something. Then told I am nagging.

I fear for this house once I an gone. Then again he will love the praise for what a good job he is doing on his own and it will probably be spotless.

At least it is something he can't deny. I can use that as a reason because other people will understand that. It is the top is the iceberg but still unreasonable to other people.

Bonfire. It is a matter of limiting contact as much as you can. As long as you are in control of your own life he can't take you back there. Be there for the kids whenow they experience the fallout from his actions and be the one they know they can trust. It is all you can do.