Page 19 | support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

besshope · 2016-08-03T06:58:29+00:00

Step this way... May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 14/09/2016 06:31

Ladies come on.....

You have strength.

You have integrity.

You have honest caring souls.

You have times of uninterrupted pleasure with your children.

You have more control on parts of your life than you did and you are doing your damned best and finest by yourself and your children.

It's a game for them, they are playing a game. Like the way a cat can have pleasure torturing a mouse. The man before never existed. It was a persona to get what he wanted. And now a persona to make you feel like he's still winning. Which he isn't, and that's why there's a big act going on. And a me me me scenario.

How sad must it be to be a person that has to put an act on in life, because they don't know genuine feelings and empathy.

And your children will see through it one day.

You are all stronger than you think.

greencarbluecar · 14/09/2016 08:36

I know lemon, I know. Thank you.

It's just the nice career he gets to have, which I supported while mine never got started, the holidays he has every few months if not weeks when I haven't had one in years (it's never for DC), the friends he gets to keep while I'm so lonely because he isolated me from my own friends and lies to our mutual ones, the relationships he can build...all because he acts, and always has, like he hasn't got kids except when they conveniently fit into his persona.

I know it's not real, I know if/when he has more DC it'll be to make someone else more vulnerable and trapped, but it still feels so unfair that I'm a shadow of my former self, daunted by the prospect of rebuilding a life, DC will be confused and miss out because of his attitude and we're still controlled by him. All while he's just fine and dandy.

Except I am telling myself he's not, not really, because he's an abusive narcissist who can't see the beauty of being a parent. I think I'll screenshot your post, if that's ok, to look at at times like these.

greencarbluecar · 14/09/2016 08:43

^should have said I know that DC are just convenient ways for him to exercise control...which is why I mentioned that he might have more.

It's like he can't really see us as people, just pieces in his game. As you say, how sad to be like that.

BigFatTent · 14/09/2016 11:04

Hi everyone. I haven't had much time to post recently but have been checking in to keep up with posts. Hello to those who've joined while I've been away.

I am 3.5 years out and although I'm still having massive problems with ex, I've done the court thing etc and wanted to assure others that things do get better as you gradually cut contact and arrangements get put in place that in theory can't be changed.

I meant to post earlier when ex's families were being discussed. My ex hasn't had contact with his father since he was very young. Everything I've heard about him makes him sound just like my ex. The thing that has been difficult for me is that ex's mother left her husband and cut contact for the children and yet she's supported and enabled my ex in his behaviour.

Ex has been fairly reasonable for the last week or so, so as discussed earlier in the I knew something was going on and was on alert for an unreasonable request. It turns out he wants to come to ds's party. I can't have him there. The thought fills me with dread. He's behaved really badly several times recently and although ds might want him there I just can't do it, even for ds. I'm not BU am I? Sometimes I still don't know. He's seeing ds on his birthday and the party is on 'my' day. I can't even be sure ds would want him there. Every handover from me to him has been such hard work recently as ds just doesn't want to go. It gives him a great opportunity to bad mouth me if I say he can't come, but I don't care.

greencarbluecar · 14/09/2016 21:19

Oh Big, there had to be something didn't there. No you're not BU. Even if DS does want him there, would it really work if he's going to behave badly, or even if he doesn't but you're on edge in case he does?

He's seeing him on his birthday, and the party is on your day. You're not taking anything away from him and you're avoiding a potentially conflicted situation. I know it's easier said than done though when faced with their reaction. I'm always thinking about that too and whether I'm giving him ammunition, but I'm starting to be of the mindset that if I don't give him any, he'll just make some up anyway and make life difficult either way, so I may as well just get on with it.

And if he badmouths you, and people believe him, they aren't people you need. You're one step ahead of them, you already see through him.

Hello hownot sorry I stole the thunder of you joining with my self pitying wallowing (have snapped out of that now, due in no small part to lemon's wise words). Welcome, welcome

greencarbluecar · 14/09/2016 21:34

mulberry and purple and for you too, and hope that one day, all this injustice will be just a crap thing that happened and won't matter any more.

mulberrybag · 14/09/2016 23:44

Thank you lovely greencarbluecar

bibliomania · 15/09/2016 09:36

Big, I wouldn't dream of inviting my exH to dd's birthday party, and he wouldn't dream of inviting me. Do you think it would help if you try to "sell" the idea to your exH in a way that strokes his ego eg. "It's better for ds to see you separately so he can properly concentrate on spending time with you. At the party, he'll be too distracted and won't be able to pay you any attention/spend any time with you" etc etc.

If my exH attended, even if he behaved properly, he would turn the whole thing into a photo-shoot with him in the starring role. I'm not exaggerating - he has a section on Youtube which has videos from the birthday parties he thew dd in the past.

bibliomania · 15/09/2016 09:39

Big, I wouldn't dream of inviting my exH to dd's birthday party, and he wouldn't dream of inviting me. Do you think it would help if you try to "sell" the idea to your exH in a way that strokes his ego eg. "It's better for ds to see you separately so he can properly concentrate on spending time with you. At the party, he'll be too distracted and won't be able to pay you any attention/spend any time with you" etc etc.

If my exH attended, even if he behaved properly, he would turn the whole thing into a photo-shoot with him in the starring role. I'm not exaggerating - he has a section on Youtube which has videos from the birthday parties he thew dd in the past.

bibliomania · 15/09/2016 09:40

oops, apologies for double post.

Original poster

besshope · 15/09/2016 21:15

thanks ineedmorelemonpledge for the kind words of support, and hi to everyone on here and anyone reading in the same situation too

bigfattent I'm sure he wouldn't be changing his plans to accommodate you and nor should you have to bibliomanias strategy of phrasing it to seem like it benefits him too is a good one.

OP posts:

greencarbluecar · 16/09/2016 15:45

I think biblio makes a really good point about it becoming 'the him show' if he's there. My ex would do that too (he makes childbirth about him, FFS) and they all seem to have the same tactics so I can imagine the same happening to you big

Have you given him an answer yet?

Froginapan · 16/09/2016 16:14

These type of personalities are always about the 'show': they must preserve their veneer to the world and must crush anyone who threatens to reveal what's underneath.

Very fragile egos.

It's really quite sad.

Froginapan · 16/09/2016 16:17

Green car - the childbirth comment. YES!!!

It was all about him (after the fact - he was actually fantastic during the event). I don't doubt it deeply affected him, but instead of doing what the MW suggested and going to get help for how it affected him what did he do? Nothing. Nadda. Zilch. That was the beginning of the end - he evolved into a completely different person.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 16/09/2016 19:49

God yes yes yes. He was the first one to hold DS.

Then had me prop myself up after 12 hours in labour and take a photo of them while I had 14 stitches being sewn down below. I was so smashed I just did it. Then when midwife left he went out to call everyone smoke and left me exhausted nearly dropping DS hanging off the bloody table.

During the labour I was starving and he sat there gulping tea and scoffing sandwiches which he flirted with the midwife to bring him.

Then at one point when I was swaying bent over the bed through a contraction he went behind me to rub my back and started pushing his erection up against my bare backside.

Jesus I'd blocked that out completely. Just remembered it now.

Froginapan · 16/09/2016 20:38

Ineed

What? He had an detection whilst watching you in agony?

I really have no words

Froginapan · 16/09/2016 20:38

*errection

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 17/09/2016 06:23

Yes Frog and I don't know what he was expecting, in a labour suite. But he wanted me to know and he thought it was hilarious.

I realise over this 13 year "relationship" I've buried so much of the past. Just to get through and survive with my sanity in tact I think...

Froginapan · 17/09/2016 12:37

So Ex P was videoing me again today at handover. I have nothing to worry about but it feels so intrusive and an extension of his controlling nature. It makes me feel nervous.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 17/09/2016 12:43

Sorry to hear that Frog. Rise above it and hold your head up high. You are better than this excuse of a man.

Chloecoconut · 17/09/2016 13:44

Frog big hugs and virtual vino. I have to say I'd like to wave at the camera and say something funny/rude whilst smiling ..... I think I'd actually speak to the police about it 😞

Froginapan · 17/09/2016 14:09

I honestly don't think there's anything that could be done: we hand over in a carp park so it's a public place and the laws for videoing/taking photographs of people in a public place allow for such activity.

He asked if I would like him to pick up our DC for an overnight this week. It's not what is in the court order so I asked him why? He said he was just putting the offer out there for me - I wanted to cringe - more manipulation and framing things to insinuate I need 'help' and 'support'

The only help and support I need is keeping his vile manipulation from undermining my self-confidence.

nicenewdusters · 17/09/2016 17:37

lemonpledge I read your post late last night about your husband in the delivery room. I wanted to respond but felt anything I posted looked wrong. For me that was one of the most upsetting things I've read on MN. I noticed your post on another thread recently where you listed some of the things you don't miss about him.

Although we've never met I just wanted to say how pleased I am that you are no longer living with that "man". Despite the PITA he is now the relief must be a physical feeling for you.

Frog could you video your ex at handovers? If he's doing nothing wrong then neither are you. Is he holding the recording device in his hand, and does he know you can see him doing it? Could you just say nothing, approach him with the phone/camera/video and act as normal? When he asks you what you're doing you could tell him that this is what you thought was the norm now, he videos you/you video him?

PurpleThursday · 18/09/2016 10:21

Oh Frog, no words.

Does it help to know we are all here, completely understand and please turn to us for support or to let it out?

Don't let the bastard win, he wants a rise out of you, not rising to it is really winding him up, keep middle of the road, he will come unstuck soon trust me.

Narcolot · 18/09/2016 13:17

This thread has been a saviour to me do thank you everyone.

Currently going through a horrendous divorce with a narc and childcare battle over our 2 year old. I've currently got a non mol order in place which was a lifesaver in putting a stop to the reams of abusive texts and emails and constant breaking into my house because it was 'his right'.

Final hearing next month on fins and childcare. I've just discovered that he's been down at my son's nursery kicking off to the point that they had to shut the door on him as he was so abusive. The girls at the nursery are now scared of him and imposing the interim order that's in place. I'm worried that they're going to ask me to remove my son from the nursery ad he's caused so much trouble. Does anyone have any experience of this ? Is there anything I can do about it???