Page 18 | support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

besshope · 2016-08-03T06:58:29+00:00

Step this way... May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

mulberrybag · 10/09/2016 21:50

greencarbluecar thank you for your words. It's actually nearly a year but we stayed living together until I could find somewhere to buy four months ago. My pay is decent and I can just about afford my mortgage etc on my wage, I wouldn't get anywhere near if I found a different job. He's unwilling to support me at all financially if I leave the job which makes me feel frantic and I'm quite financially insecure.
The 'sorted' people out there will be aghast at how I let myself get in this situation but 11years down the line I truly am only just realising the extent to which I've allowed myself to become so utterly emotionally ruined. His career and business have always been paramount, above and beyond our relationship and the kids and I've put myself at the bottom of the pile for many years. He told me if I'd appreciated how hard he had worked all these years he wouldn't have waltzed off into a new relationship the very next day!
What an epic ramble, sorry

nicenewdusters · 10/09/2016 22:15

mulberrybag. I don't think many people would be aghast at your situation. Before my ex I spent many years in a relationship which almost destroyed me emotionally. Looking back now I was very young, rebounding after my "first love", seeking a new type of life, and as I've learnt since I'm a rescuer.

I still can't believe I ended up in that relationship. I think if you have a good heart and trust people you are more vulnerable to choosing people who do not have your best interests at heart. At least that experience gave me the wisdom and courage to walk away from my last relationship at the right time.

I'm sure you went into your last relationship for all the right reasons at the time. It's always easy to see things from the outside. When you're in the thick of things it's almost impossible.

You say he's unwilling to support you financially if you leave your current job. Surely he can't make that stipulation? If he has to pay maintenance then that must be irrespective of where you work? (Obviously I'm thinking of the world of sanity so presume I'm wrong?!!)

PurpleThursday · 11/09/2016 00:11

Mulberry I can completely relate to the injustice. It all seems so wrong. And wrong that when you are in an emotionally abuse relationship that is so damaging you are encouraged by all and sundry, counsellors, social services etc to get you and your children out of it and then you are expected told to push your vulnerable, damaged and fragile children regularly under the control of someone you KNOW doesn't have their best interests at heart or even the capability of caring for them properly. It is the biggest head fuck.

Froginapan · 12/09/2016 15:45

How are we all doing today?

nicenewdusters · 12/09/2016 16:10

Not so bad thanks Frog.

The reasonable texts are continuing! Still a bit "woe is me", but no nastiness or point scoring for a while now. I'm hoping that finally he sees I am not going to take the bait, I don't want a fight, so he'll have to match my reasonableness.

I'm not complacent though, it can change at any minute, so keeping my guard up.

How's things with you and the changes to the contact arrangements?

PurpleThursday · 12/09/2016 16:28

I had a school meeting that he randomly last minute said he was coming to. I have to avoid/wait outside if that happens, I feel physically sick in his grinning to all, smarmy, fake salesmen presence. I just can't cope with being anywhere near him.

nicenewdusters · 12/09/2016 16:46

God that sounds horrible purple. D'you think people can see through the Mr Wonderful smoke screen? I know it would give me the rage too though.

I guess that's the upside of my ex trying to pretend I don't exist. I don't have to physically attend things with him. This however is bad for the dc, so it's a lose/lose whichever way you look at it.

PurpleThursday · 12/09/2016 17:14

Most people (at school especially) won't know him well enough to see through him.

He has just taken me to court saying that I have stopped him seeing his son despite many offers (in writing too) on my part. He didn't see him for 3 months. It's not the first time. Legal stuff has cost me approx £2500 so far... Plenty more ahead and another court date. I have had so many years of his lies and messing me about. I honestly can't even look at him now. Can't bear the big fake face in front of others while he utterly destroys me (or tries to) in private.

How do others cope with lying Ex's that make them feel so repulsed?

Natsku · 12/09/2016 19:13

So sorry for you all that have legal costs as well as the emotional cost of it all. So glad I get legal aid and my lawyer is wonderful.

I've told my ex quite clearly, many times, not to call after 8pm as its too late and disturbs DD when she's supposed to be settling down in bed but he still calls multiple times after 8 , last night I picked the phone up and shouted 'stop calling, its too late' after he called for the 4th time (I didn't answer any of the other times because it was after 8) so tonight he oh so reasonably called at precisely 7:59

Natsku · 12/09/2016 19:14

So sorry for you all that have legal costs as well as the emotional cost of it all. So glad I get legal aid and my lawyer is wonderful.

I've told my ex quite clearly, many times, not to call after 8pm as its too late and disturbs DD when she's supposed to be settling down in bed but he still calls multiple times after 8 , last night I picked the phone up and shouted 'stop calling, its too late' after he called for the 4th time (I didn't answer any of the other times because it was after 8) so tonight he oh so reasonably called at precisely 7:59

Natsku · 12/09/2016 19:14

Oops double post

greencarbluecar · 12/09/2016 20:48

My posts seem to be disappearing again, sorry if I've already posted (eleven million times) and just can't see it. Trying again...

purple mine is exactly like that. Fake salesman. I can't stand it either, or the public/private thing. I know just how you feel

I've found it hard today as it seems, piecing things together and lining up to my own experiences with him, that ex has introduced OW (not sure if she technically was or not, doesn't matter but it's easy to type!) quite quickly. I knew that would probably happen and I'd have to accept his choices, but there's been talk of 'another mum'. I don't blame her at all, he's extremely convincing, but I am upset on behalf of DC.

PurpleThursday · 12/09/2016 20:55

Greencar that is shit. I almost feel I would be released ooooh that was an interesting typo relieved I meant to say!! If he met someone else - would shake his fixation on making my life a misery.

greencarbluecar · 12/09/2016 21:15

purple I'm so relieved it's no longer me, I feel bad that someone else is in his sights now but hoping with time he'll lose interest in making me miserable and then DC won't get caught in the crossfire.

I did briefly wonder if maybe she'd be better than me and he wouldn't do it to her, but I think that that's just because he wrecked myself esteem and of course everything was my doing according to him. It's such a strange feeling being torn between thank god she'll distract him from me, and oh no that's someone else he'll break down to a shadow.

greencarbluecar · 12/09/2016 21:17

Just realised that crossfire is the wrong word! It's all from his side. Don't know what to call it! 'selfish-twat-fire'?

PurpleThursday · 12/09/2016 21:24

She may be the same type of person as him greencar ! Here's hoping Ultimately you are going to have some more space in your life from him I guess which can only be a good thing.

.. My current favourite numbing medicine.

greencarbluecar · 12/09/2016 21:36

Got to look at the positives! Thanks for pointing them out, it's been almost impossible to see any today. I truly hope that one day he'll be nothing more than a minor irritation, if that.

Lots of and and for us in the meantime while we all get there.

hownottofuckup · 12/09/2016 21:43

Hi all, I'm late to this but could I please join too?
I've finally started putting boundaries in place, which is great, but of course it makes him angry so I'm wondering all the time what he'll try next to get the status quo back.
I like to think things will settle down eventually...

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 13/09/2016 10:44

My DS gets to meet STBEXH new partner in a few weeks.

I met her accidentally as I mentioned. My friend said, yep another vunerable looking woman.

It's a pattern, like choosing a victim.

PurpleThursday · 13/09/2016 16:05

Slightly off thread but a friend just sent this to me and it has given me hope in the 'going it alone process'

www.elephantjournal.com/2016/08/i-didnt-quit-my-marriage-i-survived-it/

greencarbluecar · 13/09/2016 16:19

I'm struggling with the injustice again today. All the things he gets to go and do, the things he can have, including relationships because he paints himself as the good guy and lies and lies and lies and all the while he's this monstrous abusive fraud and me and DC have to battle on, surviving as best we can, while he gets a lovely life and still tries to call the shots here too while my prospects and confidence are in tatters because of him.

It's just so achingly, hugely unfair. I don't want him to take up another second of my time but at the same time I'm finding hard not to sit and cry at it all and wonder how the hell I ended up here?

mulberrybag · 13/09/2016 16:42

greencarbluecar
I could have written your exact message this afternoon. He sailed off with our daughter earlier with not a care in the world, laughing and joking in a way I know to be utterly fake and forced, to prove how fun his life is now. If it wasn't so absolutely heart breakingly hideous it was be laughable. I keep on getting told that what goes around comes around but I have no trust in that saying at all. He has the disposable income, no mortgage worries and a free life ahead of him, I'm 37 with a freaking enormous mortgage and like you my confidence is in tatters, it's so fucking unfair.

PurpleThursday · 13/09/2016 17:11

Mulberry and Green I feel your pain.

I am left in the financial shit with ever rising court costs, all instigated and caused by him. While he lives in a flat provided by Mummy and a car provided by her. No financial pressure or worries in his life at all. No wonder his grin is so wide.

Our day will come though. I have no doubt of that. It may just be a long wait...

All the while at least we don't have to wake up (or try and sleep next) to the wankers anymore.

Froginapan · 13/09/2016 18:53

Oh green

I could have written your post.

I've spent the past few days sobbing for the man I met. I just cannot get my head around what an utter monster he turned out to be

greencarbluecar · 13/09/2016 21:48

I know frog it's such a headfuck, I feel like my life has been based on a lie and I miss the man I loved even though I know he wasn't real. The real version turns my stomach and I have to deal with him living the high life and acting like DC are accessories whilst all the while playing 'great dad' and all I can do is attempt to piece together a life for us from what's left.

So sorry you're going through this too sending you a hand hold

Thank you all, talking about it to people who get it helps so much.