support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

[besshope]

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

Rule of thumb noted Fidelia

Ineedmorelemonpledge I like that we have complementary user names !

Thoughts please:

ExP has revealed himself well and truly as an outright liar and history-rewriter these past few months. To read his statements to the court you would think SS should be swooping in and removing any child from my care.

A couple of times at handover recently he has tried to talk to me and given his ability to twist and embellish anything that is said I have taken to completely blanking him. I know he is videoing our handovers. Is completely blanking him the best way to go? The last time I spoke to him I was accused of screaming at him in the middle of a car park which most certainly did not happen.

videoing our handovers That's awful, is that a video camera in his home when you drop them off there?

Given what you've said I think the only option you have is to blank him. Even if he wants to make an inference from it, what can he really say? If you say or do anything he's obviously going to misrepresent it.

I don't think you can be penalised for refusing to talk to a complete liar who's videoing your handovers. Just gob smacked he does that, what a twat .

I've just put an autorecorder on my phone so all calls with be recorded - I recommend the same to anyone else dealing with frustrating lies.

Its called ACR - available for android phones at least

It's not on my property - neutral handover.

I feel so damned uncomfortable now, as if my every move and gesture and expression is being scrutinised into some warped picture to suit his agenda.

What uncomfortable lives they make us lead. I am in the throws of separating - but we still live together. In the last couple of weeks i have been told to wait to tell the kids, then lets tell them asap, then that he will arrange a mortgage to buy me out, then he will do it next week when he has the time, then asking me to give him infomration to get the ball rolling. the goal posts are changing so fast i have no idea even where the ball is.

Now he is being obstructive about me getting important furniture for my new home (when I am abe to find one). He insists I can't store furniture at our home as we need to be able to eat at the table...huh? Is that more important than me and the kids having something to sit on when we move out? its only for a few weeks.

I feel like I am in limbo waiting for him to do things as and when he fancies it. It is holding me up on arranging a rental (I don't even know how much I can afford), getting furniture and kitchen items, sorting out the kids stuff. Just so damn annoying!

he has to control everything.

Oh yes, when mine is being reasonable I wonder what he's up to. I never used to think like that.

frog if you're worried about being hostile, do you think you could manage cheery civility, no matter what he says or does? Then he's got nothing on video (not that he should be doing that!) but you being wonderfully pleasant, or will that wind him up?

remember mine behaved in a similar way at that stage. Do watch out for him trying to get one over on you. You'll be out of there soon!

This is such an interesting thread for those in abusive relationships who are thinking of hving children ! There are many words that discrive parenting with a man like these and those include ( in my book that is) - utter frustration, anger, trapped,controlled ,scared, sad, lonely and relentless. My situation only changed when he walked away from the kids when I wouldn't stand it anymore and took control . Of course he lost interest as it wasn't about them but controlling me . We are fine now life is great x good luck everyone

Frog video him back!! See if he can keep calm.

Be over the top nice with the kids. Smile be pleasant.

My ex tried to wind me up on Whatsapp last week over visitation at Christmas. He knows what it means to me. He never gave a shit about Christmas before and certainly never fought to have his other kids. It's because he knows how important that time is to me.

He threw sarcasm left right and centre. Suddenly I had a moment of clarity. Why did his opinion of me matter to me?? He's a twunt and I don't care.

So - "have your own way as usual" - I replied "ok that's great, I will thanks"

"I'll just have the scraps as always" - that's nice of you thanks.

"You just sit there thinking you're Miss Perfect" - thanks I do try..

"Have a great day" - I will, you too!

And he stopped because he couldn't get a reaction from me.

Used his way against him. Worked like a charm.

It won't matter what I do, it will be twisted any which way.

Totally agree with Fidelia's rule of thumb: Ex is reasonable/'nice' = Ex is up to something

Now if I were to get a tattoo... It would more useful if I could tattoo it on his face, but I probably wouldn't be allowed. Pity. Would be a service to womankind.

Frog, any chance you can bring a friend to the handover? Otherwise, I totally agree with just acting completely neutral (our old friend the grey rock again). Pretend you are going to a business meeting. You can get to the stage where it's enjoyable to watch them try to provoke you and get more and more frustrated because you won't rise to it.

Only myself and ExP are allowed to be present at handover.

Christ I feel so sad today. This man is completely unrecognisable to the man I met and I'm sick to death of being blamed entirely for all of this.

Can't you do the handover in a public place?

frog

My heart hurt a little bit for you reading your second paragraph, it rings so utterly true and it's just awful isn't it.

Can't offer anything but a hand hold, but thinking of you.

It is done in a public place doesn't stop him though

Thanks, green.

We got out and got some fresh air for a while - the children had fun

Who decided it had to be just you guys, Frog?

Court order ineed

The filming is very invasive and I would find it seriously unsettling. Have you mentioned to your solicitor? Frog he has you in knots but we are here to handhold and vent to lovely.

Well it was a small victory for me with the Christmas holidays soon to be crushed.

Ex was supposed to pick up DS at lunchtime as school finishes early here on Weds and Thurs. I work from home on a Weds to cover that one. He offered Thurs infront of the school psychologist (dad of the year in front of other women).

I text to check what time he will pick him up and he came back twenty minutes ago to say he was in another country for two weeks.

I felt like throwing back the "ill pick up the scraps" comment. But I'm trying to rise above it.

Am now crying in the toilet because I have to let my work colleagues down again and go home this afternoon at short notice.

I can't afford childcare, I'm out of asking for favours and at this rate my career will be in the toilet with me.

Have two big legal meetings in a bit and my mind is racing. I can't focus I'm so fucking stressed with it all.

How did I think I wouldn't pay. You must always pay...silly silly me.

lemonpledge

Had a meeting with the child psychologist who has been assessing DD and she said its clear that the problems with her dad are causing issues for her. She's been referred to the psychiatrist now.

Sorry your DD is suffering, Natsku, but hopefully this referral will help.

That's awful, lemonpledge. He's sabotaging you in any way you can. So frustrating when it impacts on your work.

frog, re the filming, can you just pretend that you're the lead actress in a film about the world's best mother and just toss your hair and smile noble maternal smiles directly at the camera? When they're doing something to annoy you, looking as if you're really enjoying it is the best way to end it - fare more effective trying to fight it directly.