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Original poster

support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

992 replies

besshope · 03/08/2016 07:58

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 26/08/2016 10:17

He's testing your boundaries, BigFatTent. While you don't want a scene in front of your dcs, if you give in on timings, he'll treat it as a win and keep pushing on other issues.

It's best if you can be out if he's going to come early. Or is there somebody you can have there with you who will inhibit bad behaviour by him? You can and should turn off your phone (leave house phone off hook). If he bangs on the door, is it possible for you and the dcs to be out of earshot? Depends on the layout of your house.

BigFatTent · 26/08/2016 10:27

The thing is I already know never to give in as he always takes it a step further next time, but he doesn't listen to no. I can't win. I've had my boundaries tested for years and he doesn't give up, ever! I tried to keep it from dc last time but eventually they knew he was outside and got really upset. I was begging him out of desperation but he carried on pushing until he saw what an incident he had created with screaming dc and eventually went away and came back later thinking he was the good guy. I will have to be out but that means eating out which I could do without. My mum can't be here with me as he will act the same anyway and she's scared of him. What a mess.

bibliomania · 26/08/2016 10:33

What has helped with my exH when he was intent on a scene was to calmly hold up a phone as if I was filming it - in fact I wasn't, as I was so agitated I wouldn't be able to find the right buttons, but he thought I was.

Be warned - this strategy totally depends on what your ex is like, as some might be provoked into grabbing the phone/attacking you.

BigFatTent · 26/08/2016 10:40

Thanks biblio. I might try it although he did used to remove my phone when I was with him and we argued so I couldn't let anyone know. And he has this way of talking calmly when actually there's so much threat and malice in his demeanor so I might not get much from it.

I am a rational and strong, independent person but somehow that twat just gets to me. It's been quite calm for quite a while but that's why he's ramped it up in the last few weeks.

bibliomania · 26/08/2016 10:45

The phone tactic sounds like it mightn't help much.

In a way, it's liberating to realise that there's no "right" way to deal with someone like this. You're not going to hit on the perfect strategy that makes them behave better. All you can do is wait it out till the dcs are older, and try to ensure that you and they emerge as unscathed as possible.

Froginapan · 26/08/2016 12:37

Oh FGS

My solicitor has just told me that someone has been feeding back information to me via my FB profile (despite blocking many people and changing my name)

Another way to try to cut me off from advice and support.

💐💐💐💐 to all of us dealing with the crap.

I'm sure I'll get stalked here soon, too.

Froginapan · 26/08/2016 12:37

*to him

bibliomania · 26/08/2016 13:37

Sorry about that, frog. Can you come off Facebook and just email your friends for advice and support?

Froginapan · 26/08/2016 18:03

Unfortunately FB is pretty essential for reasons I don't want to go into.

BigFatTent · 26/08/2016 18:40

What about a messenger or whatsapp group Frog where you can monitor more closely who sees what? Is the information really of value to him or just annoying for him to access?

My handover went relatively smoothly. I did go out earlier on so it happened at the time I specified, but it still took 15 minutes to coax dc out of the house to leave with him.

Froginapan · 26/08/2016 19:24

It's hard to explain without giving info that will narrow down who I am but I can't just step away from FB. He's just being a bully. I've had even more of a cull today of 'friends' - hopefully that will sort it

It sucks when you have to 'force' the DC for contact - fortunately I don't as yet have that issue.

piddlypoddlypoo · 26/08/2016 20:32

hello all I'm just recovering with a lovely hot chocolate after a hellish week - started last sunday when i was at a family party, having rushed around the day before when i got back from holiday washing all dd's clothes as she was due to go for 2 weeks with him from sunday night. I'd just settled into my plate of BBQ when ping a text arrives saying he can no longer take her. So I spend the entire rest of the time trying to work out what t o / googling play schemes arranging things with family etc. In the end i gave up and threw myself on my mercy of my boss and now have next week off.

oh and predictably ex then demanded the entire BH holiday weekend with dd (er no) and then said he'd had a change of heart and would like next week - i've refused as have caused chaos at work with having to rearrange various things.

then i get texts about the fact that we are coparenting and i have to be reasonable.

on the plus side. it spurred me on to finally file for divorce today Grin

Froginapan · 26/08/2016 20:45

GASLIGHTING alert.

It's amazing, isn't it? They behave like the most unreasonable person umami gable and then when they do an about turn and expect everyone to run around after them they then accuse others of being unreasonable.

I grew up with a mother like this - complete crazy making behaviour.

Good on you, love, for telling him 'no'.

Natsku · 26/08/2016 20:47

Wow lovehearts your ex sounds like a delightful tosser messing you about like that! I suppose one way I'm lucky with my ex is that he doesn't ever suddenly refuse contact, he takes any time he can get. He was late bringing her back today and then she begged to be able to play outside with him a bit longer so I said yes but it ended up being 40 bloody minutes when she was supposed to be getting ready for bed. And he's taught her that its fun to climb on cars Angry

piddlypoddlypoo · 26/08/2016 21:06

It was a bit of a line crossed for me in that this time it directly affected dd, because even though I told her he was ill, she could tell I was absolutely bloody incandescent, and she knows that when he says he is ill it means he's being a dick/depressed. So it was rejection of her and i hate him for it as I think he was purely doing it to affect me - how he can hate me more than he loves her is totally beyond me. I just didn't respond at all , nor tell him what I had arranged for her, and I think that's why he did an about face.

I EVEN got a cross phone call when we weren't home until 9pm one day because I'd had to go off site for a visit and so had to leave dd with family absolutely miles away, he didn't get his 6pm phone call and apparently I had the audacity not to consult with him about this.

tryinng now to do the greystone thing mentioned on here which is quite calming, just not responding or engaging at all as this to me was something so completely bloody unreasonable there is no point trying to negotiate with this man.

sorry , that felt good.

I've had the holding to her for ages thing too and making her late, using her to ask for more time. really bloody annoying.

Froginapan · 27/08/2016 11:53

Is the 'grey stone' thing not reacting at all to any of their crap?

FoofFighter · 27/08/2016 12:51

Grey/gray rock - yes bascially. V hard to do when you HAVE to talk to them sometimes for the children's sakes but yes it does work. It can also enrage them and make them kick off even more though. But for me it works for ME as I then don't get as het up.

Well she went last night for the weekend, he had the audacity to invite me and my partner to her bday party at his/his folks - as if?! But he's done it knowing full well I would decline, so he can tell everyone, oh man I did invite her but she said no, she's so unreasonable..

As if I am going to sit there, with my partner, in his families home....

BTW it's also 3 weeks post birthday and he's had her actually ON her birthday and also al last weekend - a bit odd to have one now.

BigFatTent · 27/08/2016 16:14

Foof that's a familiar story - making an offer safe in the knowledge you will decline but he will look good. The fact this party is so long after her birthday confirms it's all for show.

It's a bit confusing for you dd with her being so young. I had an issue with this in the past. Even though ex had time on the actual birthday, he and his family had a celebration the weekend before. Not unusual but they made it seem like that was the real birthday rather than just a celebration, leaving me to explain you don't actually have multiple birthdays just multiple celebrations to a child convinced their birthday had happened.

nicenewdusters · 27/08/2016 19:22

"how he can hate me more than he loves her is totally beyond me"

This sums up my over riding feeling in connection with my ex. I've been reasonable, flexible, understanding, generous, mature, all in the face of nastiness, bitterness, spite etc. I do all this because I love my children far more than I resent or dislike him, to me he's nothing.

I could slate him. I could make nasty comments about him. I could make his life hell. I don't because getting to him is irrelevant compared to my children's happiness.

I spoke to my dc on the phone today, they are returning from a holiday with him. There was some confusion as to a sleepover this Sunday. I could hear the way he spoke about me in the background; "Tell her...etc ". Really horrible tone of voice, quite scathing. It's made me feel sick just hearing this, as I avoid any contact with him.

I still ask is dad ok, show interest in what they do with him, go over happy memories. He has a nasty, derogatory name for me which he uses when he drops them home, "Ok, back to * then". I've explained to the dc that it's a very unkind word, but I know he still uses it.

He was the reason we spilt, his behaviour, but he's so nasty and bitter. He is an Olympic standard victim. If he pushes me further today I may be tempted to tell him some of the things the kids tell me about him. But then I'd hate myself Sad.

Blondienut · 27/08/2016 21:50

Hello all, Am I allowed jump in when Myself and partner deal with his narc ex. Actually my ex is also pretty up their on the narc ticklist. DPs ex will cut her nose off to spite her face, does not put kids first, is looked after very well financially and is impossible to deal with. We have tried every approach. Best one to date grey rock method for sure.

She had an affair (my DP was glad as excuse to leave her) but my partner still blamed on a daily basis for her bitter unhappiness. It's exhausting. My ex has seen our DS all of 3 times this year but of course that's my fault too!

Blondienut · 27/08/2016 21:55

nicenewdusters Totally sympathise with you. Both me and my DP are respectful and kind about exs despite then speaking crap about us. Your kids will thank you for it in the future and you will feel better about yourself for it, it's so hard though

ddrmum · 27/08/2016 22:04

Room for another one??? Sorry there's so many of us Sad. I only email as I refuse to engage with him due to his abusive behaviour. He's a complete narc and overall psyco. 6 yrs out and I MUST PAY because I 'ruined everything'.
I can really recommend the Freedom Programme & I believe they also have one for men now Smile

nicenewdusters · 27/08/2016 22:29

Thank you Blondienut. It is so hard. I hate that his behaviour makes me feel like a different person inside when I have to deal with him. I feel such hatred and spite, but I have to damp it down and pretend to the kids that I'm neutral about him. He doesn't deserve my consideration, but my kids do, and I'd hate them to see the side of him that I do.

My dc told me that if she mentions things about my family he just looks away and doesn't say anything, so she's learnt not to speak about them. What a git. His family played a major part in our break up. I have told the kids what they need to know in this respect, and have been honest about my feelings. Despite this, they are still their family so I ask after them, show interest etc. I know I'm doing the right thing by them but it feels so unfair.

Original poster
besshope · 28/08/2016 20:06

Hi to everyone Brew Flowers
as others have said, amazing how many of these twats are out there!

OP posts:
debbs77 · 28/08/2016 20:14

Yes please!

The most recent is my ex refusing to pay his half of nursery fees (approx £182).

HE suggested the girls do extra hours And HE said he would pay half.

So he has agreed to paying what he owes (after a row about it though) and now said he doesn't want them in nursery any more and doesn't want a bill. If they go it is my choice and I should therefore pay.

All the while knowing that I need to work and also not paying maintenance