Husband and female colleague

[123awife]

My husband of 3 years has recently been having more contact with a female colleague who is about 10 years younger and single. I will describe the contact and welcome your views on whether I should be concerned of a slippery slope.

Checking through his emails, I see that she confided in him about a personal work issue and he emailed to comfort her, telling her she should pop over to his office if she needed to talk and for a coffee. He then emailed her again very shortly after, with work stuff in the email, but asked her for her mobile number as he wanted to call her. He could have called her at her office surely! In the email he gave her his mobile. Then I see he emailed her several times in a short space of time with other work stuff, but telling her the work stuff could wait given her personal issues. If it could wait why didn't he leave her alone?
A few days later she emailed to say they should discuss the work stuff but it could wait. My husband was on annual holiday by this stage, but despite this time off, he offered to meet her. She suggested his office but he changed and suggested a coffee shop during the day. He could have met her at his office but suggested the coffee shop. He later contacted her to say he was running late as he was picking up papers at his office to give her at the coffee shop- even more reason meeting at the office would be more convenient for them both! Later that day he met her he said it was good to have some of her time. He emailed several more times after the coffee date and the emails were sent late, well after her working hours, and he was on holiday don't forget. He then emailed her a day before we left for our own holiday together. The work stuff could certainly have waited as it wasn't urgent by any means.
We both then went away on our holiday together. She probably didn't know we were away but she replied to his email, also late into the night. He then replied to her at midnight during our holiday thanking her for her valuable comments which he has taken them all on board. Again, not urgent work matters, but to email her at midnight on holiday with me! In the email he also asked her how her short holiday had gone and probing a bit for details of her holiday as she had been away by the time we went away. So he knew her holiday plans as well. Should I be concerned? What's going on between them, it feels and reads like he's pursuing her?

KeepCool - are you serious?! The OP does NOT have every right to be going through her husband's work emails!!

OP - you need to step away from his emails right now. The fact he works with young people means that you could lose him his job or even put him at risk of prosecution by breaching privacy like that. Don't do it again. If you have insecurities or suspicions you need to talk to him but you can't be accessing emails that will contain confidential information about children just because you are on some kind of wild goose chase.

Well said FenellaMaxwell.

Agree with the above too.

Sandy - what planet are you on? I had never met two of these women at all - one of these was the one who called me in the middle of the night. My biggest crime was to answer her husband's phone in the office and take a message when she called. That's the only contact I had with her.

The most recent one assumed I was shagging her husband due to a photo posted on FB of him, me and another man sitting on a sofa in a hotel bar. I was in the middle and we were looking at spreadsheets. There is absolutely nothing in the body language to imply an affair - I am pointing something out, he is looking at the camera and the man on my other side is talking about the spreadsheet.

And one of the others worked in the next office - I was more friendly with her than her husband, so to be accused of shagging him was like a punch in the stomach. I subsequently found out that he was having an affair - but not with me or with anyone else in the office, but some random woman he had met in a bar.

Yes - look at your husband's behaviour rather than that of some woman that he works with!

The thing is you do end up.having personal.conversations when you work with colleagues 24/7. I do have some colleagues who I tell more personal stuff than others, most are men.

It has never crossed my mind about affairs although like others said they do happen. There is a massive difference between friendship and flirting though. I can't say I ever flirt and have been out drinking with colleagues loads...

I did get a bunny boiler wife episode years ago but I think her husband was a nightmare so she tried to find hamlets AR every corner...

SandyY2Ksurely if anything was togive a wife concernit should be the behaviour of her husband and not some random woman?

I think the wives look at their husbands behaviour and try and fit it with who they think he's having an affair with.

Like if you get a call at 2am asking to speak to someone's H, then it could well be the man is with another woman - just that the wife got the wrong woman.

MrsS, you don't actually need to have met the woman to raise suspicions, as it could just be how they view the written correspondence between you and their DH or maybe if their husbands talk about you at home. It could also just be their insecurity because your attractive.

Believe it or not some men are dense enough to tell their wives about a female colleague being really pretty. I just don't see the need for it.

I don't know you and I have no intention to offend you, but if I or a friend of mine had 4 different wives accuse me or get suspicious of me, then I would feel I had to look at why they were reaching false conclusions.

Most wife's haven't met the women their husbands have affairs with .

He was looking to take that relationship further. The colleague had enough emotional intelligence to put him off .
He will probably try again with another woman.
I think you should have a talk with him about your relationship.

Really Restless? Good for you then to be such a knob to have a non-necessary-during-holiday-time job like a teacher and still feel the need to do it anyway at the cost of your time with your partner.

There are people who believe they are SO indispensable that the 'office' cannot function without them for a week or two. Absolute bollocks it is too.

You'd be booted long before you decided to show me the door. I can't stand officious, pompous twats and wouldn't stay married to one.

Most wives haven't et the women their husbands have affairs with.

True. A good reason or that too. It's very difficult to hide feelings in somebody's face.

It certainly isn't the norm to know who your husband is having an affair with, but quite a few wives have seen the OW. They just never knew anything was going on.

Many OWs are family friends or colleagues they've seen, hence the term 'double betrayal'.

Most of the men I've known who have left their wives have done so for a) their secretary b) the nanny or au pair or c) the wife's best friend. With (b) and (c) being the most usual.

Yep, my husband had an affair and left for one of the women in our circle of friends. It's called hiding in plain sight.

And a truly awful double betrayal...

I had this once. I tried to ignore it. They're now married. She was a colleague who'd confided in him about her unhappy marriage.

I would have found out a lot sooner if I'd had access to emails - although I'm not sure I'd have looked.

Despite that, I'd keep senses on high alert but carry on as normal for the moment. You'll drive yourself mad looking for evidence otherwise and that's no way to live.

Whirlygirl I'm so sorry that happened to you, and to the others who have shared such shattering experiences. Did you identify any signs not at the time perhaps, but now when you look back at all? Was there meetings outside work with her or anything else? Thank you for your advice. He is heading into the centre next week to meet the other female colleague he works very closely with him in the centre (day-to-day contact with lots of more pressing issues to discuss)- although both officially on holiday there has been no coffee meetings at coffee shops with her but just meeting in the centre which seems more typical. I'm observing his behaviour more closely now and how it's different with different colleagues and he seems to have pulled back a bit on email contact with folk generally at home anyway. I've not snooped but rather watching him subtly.
Maybe the younger female colleague has indeed set him straight by her subtle references.

If I wasn't serious FENNELLA I wouldn't have posted my opinion (obviously not yours!).
You've got to go with your gut in life, otherwise you can be shat on from a great height.

Instincts are there to protect us, so whatever it takes in my book FENNELLA - naughty naughty me!

KeepCool - a whatever it takes mentality isn't naughty, it's stupid. And you can't just go with your gut - there's also this little thing called common sense...

Did you miss the part where OP's husband works with kids? If he was your DC's teacher or youth worker would you be happy about his crazy wife snooping through emails that might include your DC's private info?!

Quite frankly, you need to end this relationship, you clearly don't trust him at all and there can be no relationship without trust.

KeepCool so you are happy that this man, who may well be entirely innocent of any wrong doing has his career put at risk? And that young people, potentially vulnerable young people, have their privacy invaded and confidentially breached?

On a gut feeling?

Interesting view point.

As far as I can see the only proof of any wrong doing in this whole thread is by the OP.

Lying Having been in an abusive relationship where I was frequently told what was expected of me, yes I would show him the door very quickly.

I couldn't give a single fuck if you think that makes me a 'knob' or 'an officious pompous twat'

Restless, well you could look at it a few ways, couldn't you?

If you're on holiday with somebody who matters to you and you don't actually NEED to do work stuff but choose to, that's pathetic. I know quite a few people who think that work revolves around them and everything would grind to a halt if they didn't check their e-mails every ten minutes. In reality, work is ticking along nicely without them but they're so insecure and needy that they just have to think that their absence is devastating.

The same with texts... leaping up at every 'ping' as if they've been shot, to check incoming inane chat. On your own? Fine. Whilst you're in company? Rude and witless.

Depends what you think is abusive really? Many people would think that a disengaged partner is abusive; taking up space where a decent partner could be. Only you know how you treat your partner.

I'm a social worker, it's not that I think the the workplace would crumble without me,
like many others I have targets to hit and I worry about my clients so yes I work when I get home and I answer emails whilst on leave. I love my job and I am prepared to do what I need to stay ahead of my cases. I am friends with most of my colleagues and we do have non work related conversations over texts. I value my current partner who supports my work and my right to have friendships. Anything else would be controlling and abusive.

Also I would expect to be sacked if my I shared my work emails with my partner.

We're talking at cross purposes, I think, Restless. I wasn't talking about being supportive at work and the right to have friendships at all. I'm talking about people who prioritise work to the exclusion of all else because they think they are that important. I don't necessarily agree that social workers should feel that they should be 'on call' whilst they're on leave any more than anybody else but this is what works for you and you get something out of it so great.

This was about the OP's husband - a teacher - who is e-mailing a particular colleague on leave and out of hours. I don't equate that with what you're doing.

I think it goes without needing to be said that accessing of work information by the OP was completely wrong and she could put her husband's job in jeopardy. I don't know anybody who shares work information with a partner?

You insinuated that because I would have an huge issue with a partner making demands on how I do my job I was a knob and and officious twat. I don't call that cross purposes, I call it you not taking your head out of your arse long enough to realise that it most relationships this would be looked at as controlling behaviour and therefore negating the experience of people who have been abused in this way.