Husband and female colleague

[123awife]

My husband of 3 years has recently been having more contact with a female colleague who is about 10 years younger and single. I will describe the contact and welcome your views on whether I should be concerned of a slippery slope.

Checking through his emails, I see that she confided in him about a personal work issue and he emailed to comfort her, telling her she should pop over to his office if she needed to talk and for a coffee. He then emailed her again very shortly after, with work stuff in the email, but asked her for her mobile number as he wanted to call her. He could have called her at her office surely! In the email he gave her his mobile. Then I see he emailed her several times in a short space of time with other work stuff, but telling her the work stuff could wait given her personal issues. If it could wait why didn't he leave her alone?
A few days later she emailed to say they should discuss the work stuff but it could wait. My husband was on annual holiday by this stage, but despite this time off, he offered to meet her. She suggested his office but he changed and suggested a coffee shop during the day. He could have met her at his office but suggested the coffee shop. He later contacted her to say he was running late as he was picking up papers at his office to give her at the coffee shop- even more reason meeting at the office would be more convenient for them both! Later that day he met her he said it was good to have some of her time. He emailed several more times after the coffee date and the emails were sent late, well after her working hours, and he was on holiday don't forget. He then emailed her a day before we left for our own holiday together. The work stuff could certainly have waited as it wasn't urgent by any means.
We both then went away on our holiday together. She probably didn't know we were away but she replied to his email, also late into the night. He then replied to her at midnight during our holiday thanking her for her valuable comments which he has taken them all on board. Again, not urgent work matters, but to email her at midnight on holiday with me! In the email he also asked her how her short holiday had gone and probing a bit for details of her holiday as she had been away by the time we went away. So he knew her holiday plans as well. Should I be concerned? What's going on between them, it feels and reads like he's pursuing her?

And I meet plenty of people for coffee too.

Well there's a certain kind of woman who never gets emails at midnight or invitations to the coffee shop to discuss work with male colleagues.
Like you say op, he works with another woman who he keeps at a professional arm's length.

Sorry to sound cynical but I have seen it so many times over the years. It doesn't always spill over to an affair as the guy is usually just a chancer and the woman will back off when she realises his motives are not genuine.

Girls - oh dear, that's me firmly in my box then! What if I get and send emails to male and female colleagues late at night and on holiday? Does that still keep me in the particular category of women?

And I might meet both genders for coffee - in and out of the workplace!

So might DH, in fact he gave someone some cigarettes last week when they went on a fag break together - the cad!

Sometimes people are arseholes, most of the time they aren't. Unless there's a big back story here, I can't see what the issue is.

User - I took girls comment a different way - that the OPS DH works with plenty other people but he's only being helpful and supportive , sending late night emails, having coffee, going in when he's on leave , and exchanging mobile numbers with the young , single , female ones .

People who are genuinely kind, friendly and social with colleagues do it with those of both sexes and all ages , as several poster above have mentioned .

I don't think it's strictly true that you only felt insecure when you read his emails - you must have felt insecure before to access his emails, unless you routinely read them.

It's all out of context because you don't work there, and you're not certain on work practices. I have people I'll chat to on email, people on our internal messaging systems, people on WhatsApp. If you went to any one of those, it could look like I'm giving my mobile number/arranging drinks with/chatting with any one person in specific. It's not the case, really, but it's how it seems. For one or two people in different departments, we'll email to arrange coffee. For people who tend to be near me in the office, we'll just go - there won't be a digital trail at all.

Is your issue more that he seems to be throwing himself into work - working more and later, checking work emails whilst on holiday - and you feel neglected? Do you work? I think your point that you want to go and do things and he doesn't is probably important here. Do you feel unfulfilled? Is that something he's causing, or do you rely on him for fulfilment too much?

If he's a youth worker, presumably his emails are quite confidential and he shouldn't be allowing you access or reading them out to you. He needs to tighten up security, and stop working during his holidays, as an immediate next step. Then you need to talk.

I do work in a professional job also and full time (on leave at the mo for holiday) and have never been asked to coffee or for my mobile number by anyone. If ive gone for coffee / lunch its with a colleague ive known some time whom I'm very close with. If ive never experienced that it probably why I'm curious and snooping. I do feel bad about the snooping and will resist it further .
The fact that he emailed her at 8 this morning to mention the next stage of the project (only VERY briefly) and then spent time mentioning me and him in the email could mean he has considered that his actions could be misconstrued and the thought had crossed his mind. I'm sure the single female colleague has no interest in hearing about me in the email as ive never met her so there's no precedent for him even bringing me up. Was he bringing me up to keep himself right?
Just as an aside, he may also have brought mention of me into the email as she had mentioned in her email about her own holiday that "we....did X / Y, that some other man was there, and referred to 'our hotel'. Again this seemed to be a work-related holiday with another agency not anything to do with my hubby's work, so she was staying in same hotel as a male colleague. Do you think she has been trying to send hubby a subtle message by mentioning "we, / our hotel etc"
also, He could have referred to me in the email because I asked him if he was taking it easy this morning upon seeing him emailing her at 8am. His reply was that he's emailing a colleague to finalise a document.

OP - I think you sound a bit obsessed and are SERIOUSLY over analysing

Just ask him "who's X?".... I'm sure you'll be able to read his reaction

I would be watching carefully. The emails to his close colleague are matter of fact and purely work related, but emails to this woman have a different vibe. There is only one reason for that, he is interested in her.

Girlsthatdance I don't understand what you mean by "a certain kind of woman who never gets emails at midnight" please explain further.

OP. You've never been asked for your mobile number at work? In 2016? Goodness.

You still haven't explained why you started snooping in the first place.

Btw the latest email sounds entirely innocent and commonplace at this time of year to me too, I've written several like that in the last week alone.

People routinely share stuff about holidays, kids, teenagers exam results etc etc. I know all about a colleague's wife's sick horse for example. And all about another colleague's wife's degree show for art college. I know about my colleague's sons marriage breakdown and funny stories about his wife's customers. I've helped colleagues through marriage breakdowns (and turned one around) and through their kid's behavioural issues and those struggling with family illness.

I know quite a bit about the highs and lows of lots of families I'll never meet. In factI know this information for colleague I've never met as well as people I deal with day to day. It's normal

Does no one in your office share stuff about their families?

It seems that emailing and texting colleagues , going out for coffees is perfectly normal working behaviour for a lot of people.

Is it normal for him?

OP, you have nothing concrete and he could make you look extremely jealous if you say anything, so just take it easy and try and relax on your holiday.

I have mentioned my husband if I feel someone is trying to get too familiar, but that may just be my perception.

Either way, the woman now knows he's married and everything he's said in the emails can be explained as being professional, although I understand your concerns.

Eh?

If she was describing something she did with another person, of course Sge would use "we" - it wouldn't mean it was pointed, just normal speech, surely?! Ditto him, no?

At my work we phone or email usually using pc or work phone. Ive not had anyone ask me for my mobile, only if I'm making arrangements with a female colleague for lunch that I know bit better than the others. In this case, he asked for hers as he wanted to talk to her and did not ask for it to make arrangements for coffee as that suggestion came from him later. I'm no aware asking colleagues out for coffee is normal for him tbh. He usually has coffee at work in his office or with others in canteen etc. Colleagues at my workplace do mention if they've gone away with their families on holidays etc but rarely mention it in email, usually in the staff room area talking / chitchat. Usually emails are less detailed then my hubby has sent her, for example colleagues at my work usually just say family had great time, not that their partner and them want to go to where ive been or mention having pangs to go back with their wife etc, as he did, which slightly over-eggs the pudding. Anyway she may be attached which may have prompted his response and if I'm honest made me sigh with relief, I know that sounds awful. Perhaps her alluding to male company in the hotel has stemmed any further email contact or midnight emails over non-urgent stuff. I was concerned but feel better with the reassurance here. I live away from family so havent had anyone to talk to about it, hence why I'm on this site. I'm feeling more confident too, as ive taken it upon myself to book a spa break with a female friend to get all the angst out my system. I'm not normally jealous but the green monster got hold of me for a bit. I ll not bring it up with him unless it progresses and I see he is making more attempts to contact her. To date she seems to have only responded to him.

She picked up on his interest and has deflected it neatly.

Not great from your point of view OP.

You are massively overanalysing the minutiae of vaguely chatty work-related emails here.

I would also be more likely to meet an "outside" person for a coffee than someone within my office team. That's why there are so many coffee chains!

Glad you are feeling better OP

But would you be asking for their mobile number and emailing them at midnight when you were on holiday?

Have you seen this woman, is she very attractive and feel she is a threat?

I have almost every work contact's mobile and I send emails on holiday if I think of something that needs doing, yep.

Jacquetta, that's the whole point - nothing needed addressing.

Ive not seen her. I believe from memory through chit chats in the past with my hubby about the work she does, that he has only met her when she visits the centre where he works which over the year since she started is only about say 15 times (if that). Not knowing her that well I was taken aback he asked for her mobile and her out for a coffee.

There's nothing wrong with the e mails or coffee

but

I get the impression you think he is showing an unusual interest in this person ..if he is quite shy / retiring, you might be right.

Ask him about this colleague he keeps e mailing and see what he says.

By needed, I don't mean "urgent" - I might've just thought of something.

OP knows her relationship better than we do so should judge for herself, but I wouldn't think twice about anything she's mentioned!

Sounds like he's being a good caring manager to me. I wouldn't worry unless this is out of character.

I think you're right sellingyesterdaysnews, when you strip it back, its the interest he's shown in her (esp compared to the other woman he does work more closely with). He's not shy or retiring but socially confident and articulate. Even so, as I say in comparison (that's what ive to go on) his interest in her seemed high/frequent and a bit different, for example returning her email this morning - its not necessary to return every email someone sends esp when its mostly not work related at 8am.