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Original poster

Husband and female colleague

173 replies

123awife · 31/07/2016 23:29

My husband of 3 years has recently been having more contact with a female colleague who is about 10 years younger and single. I will describe the contact and welcome your views on whether I should be concerned of a slippery slope.

Checking through his emails, I see that she confided in him about a personal work issue and he emailed to comfort her, telling her she should pop over to his office if she needed to talk and for a coffee. He then emailed her again very shortly after, with work stuff in the email, but asked her for her mobile number as he wanted to call her. He could have called her at her office surely! In the email he gave her his mobile. Then I see he emailed her several times in a short space of time with other work stuff, but telling her the work stuff could wait given her personal issues. If it could wait why didn't he leave her alone?
A few days later she emailed to say they should discuss the work stuff but it could wait. My husband was on annual holiday by this stage, but despite this time off, he offered to meet her. She suggested his office but he changed and suggested a coffee shop during the day. He could have met her at his office but suggested the coffee shop. He later contacted her to say he was running late as he was picking up papers at his office to give her at the coffee shop- even more reason meeting at the office would be more convenient for them both! Later that day he met her he said it was good to have some of her time. He emailed several more times after the coffee date and the emails were sent late, well after her working hours, and he was on holiday don't forget. He then emailed her a day before we left for our own holiday together. The work stuff could certainly have waited as it wasn't urgent by any means.
We both then went away on our holiday together. She probably didn't know we were away but she replied to his email, also late into the night. He then replied to her at midnight during our holiday thanking her for her valuable comments which he has taken them all on board. Again, not urgent work matters, but to email her at midnight on holiday with me! In the email he also asked her how her short holiday had gone and probing a bit for details of her holiday as she had been away by the time we went away. So he knew her holiday plans as well. Should I be concerned? What's going on between them, it feels and reads like he's pursuing her?

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 01/08/2016 07:19

You sound extremely possessive OP. Why are you worrying about 2 of his female colleagues and reading all his work emails?

If i were your DH both of those would be counted a 2 big red flags to me.

user7755 · 01/08/2016 07:35

If this is for real, I think you need to examine your own behaviour first and foremost.

You describe him as a caring person and it sounds to me like he is doing exactly what I would do for a less experienced colleague who was struggling - taking her under his wing. I do very similar for my colleague, with gender being the only difference.

You, on the other hand are looking though his emails, with no apparent clue that there is anything wrong with this.

confusionoftheillusion · 01/08/2016 07:59

I think it sounds like he's after his colleague...

SandyY2K · 01/08/2016 08:04

I'm not sure how good your relationship with your husband is. How good a marriage is, but I know my husband would be furious if I were to read his work emails.

If I were you I wouldn't reveal what I know, but I would 'invent' a story about a work colleague who has just discovered her husband is having an affair and has kicked him out and is filing for divorce.

In a very sweet way say how you broke up with an Ex when you were younger because he cheated and your feeling is that once the trust is broken, the relationship is over.

Say it all matter of factly and leave it at that, but be pleasant and enjoy the holiday.

Don't ever reveal your sources of information as it tips the other person off. It may be that your husband finds her attractive and it could equally be innocent, but once you've made it clear you find cheating a dealbreaker, there's nothing more you can do.

He's going to do what he wants and there's nothing you can do if he's going down that road.

StopShoutingAtYourBrother · 01/08/2016 08:14

Honestly, it all reads like very normal workplace behaviour to me, and not something I'd have raised an eyebrow over at all.

I'd keep an eye on it as something is bothering you.

However I am curious why you have so much access to his work emails? I'd be fired if my dh could access mine and vice versa.

EeksyPeeksy · 01/08/2016 08:19

I think you a reading too much into it. But if you have suspicions why not speak to him?

However, if I were him I'd be questioning my marriage based on you trawling through my work emails. That is bang out of order especially if he is in an education role as you've implied. You are putting his job at risk.

TheNaze73 · 01/08/2016 08:22

If a partner accused me of having an affair, based on what you've told us, I'd be deeply hurt. I'd be thinking is there no trust???
My thoughts mirror sofato You sound incredibly possessive

Doinmummy · 01/08/2016 08:23

Snooping into partners emails is exactly how most people discover an affair. Partners normally do it when they sense something is amiss.

Helmetbymidnight · 01/08/2016 08:27

I'm glad my dh doesn't behave like this!
It certainly sounds like he is chasing this woman. Has he no boundaries at all?

ayeokthen · 01/08/2016 08:29

Going through partner's email/texts is a massive breach of trust imo. I just wouldn't. It all sounds to me like he's a workaholic, not having an affair. If I were him I'd be furious that you'd gone through my emails. I don't hide anything from DP, nor him from me, but we've never gone through each other's private things.

Mytown1971 · 01/08/2016 08:41

Sounds like he is pursuing her to me.

Might be a crush
Might be infatuation
Might be the prelude to an affair
Could be nothing

It does however sound Suspicious.

I've been on the receiving end of this. I thought he was just being friendly and didn't realise what he was up to until he declared his feelings for me on a work night out. We were both married.

Olddear · 01/08/2016 08:55

See, some call it snooping. On another day it would be called 'getting your ducks in a row'

Somanyshoes · 01/08/2016 08:56

What AnnaMarlowe said, word for word.

NataliaOsipova · 01/08/2016 08:57

If it were innocent and he was acting in a professional manner , he wouldn't be meeting another woman in a coffee shop .

You see, I disagree with this. When I worked, people did this all the time. If you want to speak to someone, you can:

  • Just walk up and speak to them. That's fine 80% of the time, but in an open plan environment, everyone else can hear what you are saying.
  • Go into a meeting room with them (or if you have an office, ask them in and shut the door). Nobody else can hear, but they see that you have done this and wonder what it is that you're talking about that's too private to say on the floor.
  • Go out for a coffee. This is therefore often the preferred option for something personal but not HR-ish, if you're having a whinge, or if you just want some one on one time that doesn't look completely "official". Very common in my experience and doesn't mean anything at all. It's the daytime equivalent of nipping down the pub after work to talk things over over a swift drink.

Plus - worst case scenario - say he is a bit into her and is giving her a bit of special attention. That's a long, long way from an affair. If you're worried, ask him "Who's whatshername?". (Don't tell him you've been reading his emails!), but see how he reacts?

happypoobum · 01/08/2016 09:04

Does he have form?

I usually say trust your gut on these things. FWIW it does sound to me like he is pursuing her/is interested.

Original poster
123awife · 01/08/2016 09:04

Thanks for all the replies. He has replied to the email she sent him early this morning. It pinged at breakfast so asked him in the context of him needing time to relax. He replied to her saying he also enjoyed the holiday with me, wished it was longer and commented a fair bit on her holiday. I will be more respectful of his correspondence as it is confidential. He's not a teacher but youth co-ordinator and just got such a startle when I say the emails. I suppose nothing ever good comes from snooping. I will watch what he's doing though from home. I can only move forward. If I still feel hurt i'll speak to him in a few days especially if I here the "ping" again.
Thanks for the advice and views. I hope its nothing....

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 01/08/2016 09:15

Please stop reading his emails you could get him into serous trouble.

I had a male colleague and we would go for coffee. As a pp said if you want a whinge you need to do that offsite.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 01/08/2016 09:18

I don't think it looks very good, he seems to be making an excellent effort to keep up the contact with this girl unnecessarily.

You probably read his emails because subconsciously your instincts were telling you something wasn't right. Don't let posters try to make you feel bad about that - your instincts are there to protect you, and rightly or wrongly you should always follow them.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 01/08/2016 09:21

Sorry but I agree, looks pretty dodgy and like he is just making up reasons to see/email her. I'd keep my eyes peeled.

gildedcage · 01/08/2016 09:28

The problem now is that once you've started snooping it can become compulsive. Even if nothings going on those seeds of doubt will remain there.

I've read the thread but didn't disseminate why you felt the need to initially check.
For what it's worth I would hate for my dh to check my emails either work or otherwise. Frankly your dh would be a bit of an idiot to conduct anything flirtatious over company email. I know it happens but still.

Is it really that you feel insecure rather than anything your dh has done per say?

Kr1stina · 01/08/2016 09:32

I think it's suspicious . He's older, more senior and male. He's asking her in details about her personal life, getting her mobile number and meeting her outside work .

I think he's pursuing her and she's either not sure or not interested .

mydietstartsmonday · 01/08/2016 09:32

It doesn't sound like an affair. However, I think you are right to be concerned and your gut is telling you to pay more attention and liaisons start somewhere.

Work on your own marriage; find out what is going on. Blips happen, crushes occur, people are human. Good luck, I am sure it will all work out.

Original poster
123awife · 01/08/2016 09:34

I think you're right about how I feel gildedcage. Although I didn't feel as insecure until I read the emails. Thank you all for your responses. If there is anything further beyond his email to her early this morning, I may be back to talk through my concerns. You all have been so helpful at challenging my thoughts too which helps. Watch this space....

OP posts:
Brokenbiscuit · 01/08/2016 09:36

Interesting to see such a range of replies on this thread. The behaviour described seems completely normal to me, though I too am shocked that the OP can access her DH's emails so easily. I find myself wondering if those who consider his behaviour to be indicative of something suspicious currently work in professional roles themselves, as I can't understand why anyone familiar with the kind of work culture that I'm used to would find anything untoward in the emails described.

I frequently send emails late at night and so does my male boss. If we're both emailing late, there might be a bit of friendly chat thrown in. I sometimes send emails on holiday too, mainly so that I don't have to return to a huge mountain when I get back to the office - typically, I might respond to the relatively easy things that come in to get them out of the way, and yes, I'd do it at night so as not to interfere with my family's holiday.

I have mobile numbers for most of my colleagues, and often meet people over coffee. And yes, make small talk about holidays, kids etc, as that's part of what you do to build a good working relationship.

So it all sounds innocent to me. Then again, I do believe in gut instinct so if the OP feels something is amiss, perhaps she is right.

JacquettaWoodville · 01/08/2016 09:36

This all sounds fine to me, TBH. If they have something tricky to discuss and she works in an open plan office, calling her mobile means she can step outside to speak if necessary. Or she may be away from her desk a lot so mobile is easier.

I would also email 'non-urgent' work stuff before a holiday etc in order that I had a bit less to do when I got back. Knowing the holiday plans of someone you are working with is pretty common, especially at this time of year.