Husband and female colleague

[123awife]

My husband of 3 years has recently been having more contact with a female colleague who is about 10 years younger and single. I will describe the contact and welcome your views on whether I should be concerned of a slippery slope.

Checking through his emails, I see that she confided in him about a personal work issue and he emailed to comfort her, telling her she should pop over to his office if she needed to talk and for a coffee. He then emailed her again very shortly after, with work stuff in the email, but asked her for her mobile number as he wanted to call her. He could have called her at her office surely! In the email he gave her his mobile. Then I see he emailed her several times in a short space of time with other work stuff, but telling her the work stuff could wait given her personal issues. If it could wait why didn't he leave her alone?
A few days later she emailed to say they should discuss the work stuff but it could wait. My husband was on annual holiday by this stage, but despite this time off, he offered to meet her. She suggested his office but he changed and suggested a coffee shop during the day. He could have met her at his office but suggested the coffee shop. He later contacted her to say he was running late as he was picking up papers at his office to give her at the coffee shop- even more reason meeting at the office would be more convenient for them both! Later that day he met her he said it was good to have some of her time. He emailed several more times after the coffee date and the emails were sent late, well after her working hours, and he was on holiday don't forget. He then emailed her a day before we left for our own holiday together. The work stuff could certainly have waited as it wasn't urgent by any means.
We both then went away on our holiday together. She probably didn't know we were away but she replied to his email, also late into the night. He then replied to her at midnight during our holiday thanking her for her valuable comments which he has taken them all on board. Again, not urgent work matters, but to email her at midnight on holiday with me! In the email he also asked her how her short holiday had gone and probing a bit for details of her holiday as she had been away by the time we went away. So he knew her holiday plans as well. Should I be concerned? What's going on between them, it feels and reads like he's pursuing her?

OP, I wouldn't see that as 'asking her out for coffee', I would see it as arranging a coffee meeting!

Does he deal with many other people from outside organisations?

Yes he deals with others but they meet in his centre. I'm not aware of emails being personal with them besides stating, hope your holidays went well or you had a good summer holiday.

It would be prudent to read OP's threads (there aren't that many), so that she doesn't have to keep repeating herself.

I've read the whole thread, which I assume is what you mean.

I'll now hide the thread. Good luck OP.

OP, I've just done as KeepCool suggested and read back all of your posts. The thing that strikes me most is that you haven't spoken to your husband about any of this. He hasn't actually done anything wrong, in fact you have, by going through his emails, yet you're questioning your entire marriage on the basis of emails? My XH used to constantly question everything I did/said and checked up on me constantly and it's exhausting being over analysed day in day out.

Sorry posted too soon. Has he given you a reason not to trust him? Have things changed between you? If the answers are no, I'd let it go. If they're yes, speak to him, be honest about it all and see what happens. You'll drive yourself mad going the way you're going, and probably him too.

op you've convinced yourself something is going on so you're going to attach meanings and 'find' something wrong with every email exchange until you either have a conversation with your husband or stop reading his work emails.

I would suggest stopping reading his work emails.

It sounds quite normal behaviour - lots of male colleagues have my mobile number - we often send each other friendly chit chat as part of work emails and will meet for coffee/lunch/drinks without any subtext. Late night and early morning emails also quite normal as is communicating on holiday but that is the joy of easy access to email on smartphones/iPad.

Thanks everyone for your comments. Ive never been like this before with him or anyone!!! Its not me at all, I'm usually very placid and perhaps passive. I will let it go as I think his colleague may have deflected him when describing her holiday to him, hence prompting his specifics to mention me in his last email to her. Whether coffee, midnight emails and frequent email contact over non urgent stuff is typical for some at work, I will speak to him if there is any change our relationship or frequent emailing again, as I don't think there is a need in his work for that level of interest / contact in another colleague. I'll keep you all posted as I'm sure he wont disappoint what we have.

Well those spidey senses are usually spot on in my opinion, and you sound like a sensible woman who knows her husband well.

Probably nothing to overly worry about here, but I expect you will be on high alert for a while, as would I.

In the course of my career I've been accused by four women of having an affair with their husbands. One called me at 2.00 am and screamed down the phone at me to put her husband on. I couldn't, because he wasn't there. Another one told me to "leave her husband alone" after we had been out for office drinks and coincidentally left the pub at the same time.

I've never had an affair with a married man, and I've no idea why they all picked me as the likely "harlot" (particularly as I never met two of them). Maybe it was because they snooped on text messages/emails, which were suggestive, like "Did you see this article in the Economist? I thought it was interesting, and we should discuss it tomorrow." Or "Do you fancy a drink tomorrow night? Paul is in town from New York and suggested we get some of the old crowd together." Or simply "I've got the hangover from hell, and you look as rough as a badger's arse - shall we grab a coffee?"

All of these women didn't work (I won't say SAHM as two of them were old enough for their kids to have left home), and seemed to have nothing else in their lives apart from to fret and worry in case their husband was shagging someone from the office. It seems to me sometimes that any woman who works with men seems to be fair game for accusations of an affair. I'm not saying it doesn't happen. But maybe look at your marriage first and ask why you think he might stray/want to stray before slinging the mud.

MrsS, the OP has a full time professional job, and has accused no one of anything as far as I can tell. If she wants to express a private worry on here then she's fully entitled to.

The four women who have accused you of sleeping with their husbands, well they really should get jobs and keep their mouths shut, obviously.

Attsca - I didn't say she had accused anyone of anything. But snooping (which she is doing) and paranoia is where it starts.

Re the women who accused me - well perhaps they should have found something more interesting to fill their days with, or have done their homework first. I didn't notice that the OP worked - my fault - but my experience is that it is usually SAHMs who fret about the sirens working with their husbands. On here as well as IRL.

MrsSchadenfreude, in my experience you're right. And I say that as a SAHM (who trusts her man I have to add!). Unless a husband/partner has given major reasons not to trust him, why not trust him? After all, you can't build a family/relationship without trust can you?

I think you have cause to be concerned, OP. It's not the coffee - it's the e-mailing at midnight and whilst on holiday. Each of those things would make me raise an eyebrow even though I'm prone to e-mailing at odd hours myself BUT wouldn't expect a reply at that time of night.

If it were my husband I would probably remind him that this was holiday time and that work doesn't encroach - and I would expect him to stop work stuff at that point.

You say that you're comparing your relationship to others in your circle. Maybe stop doing that though, it's no indication of relationship, you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Work out what YOU want from YOUR relationship and communicate that to your husband - nevermind what other people are doing.

"Attsca - I didn't say she had accused anyone of anything. But snooping (which she is doing) and paranoia is where it starts."

It is also how people find out about their DH/DW/DPs cheating!!

Get off your high horse, you've got nothing to worry about if you were innocent Mrs Schadenfraude. The OP isn't paranoid - that's insulting - she has every right to follow HER (not your) instincts.

FWIW, I worked in a very male environments and have been accused of having an affair with a married man. I didn't and never would, but equally I have seen lots of office affairs, and it does happen!!

My DH's 1 year affair (he says it never was sexual but I can't be sure) started this way. My spidey sense kicked in too far into the affair, not as early as you. But this does not mean your DH is on a slippery path like mine.

Even though I think you are out of order going through confidential work communications, he also sounds like he was trying to get to know her better but she's brushed him off. Good news for her, perhaps not so great for your marriage.

Also: I have noticed looking through our photos that compared to my brother and his wife our body language in photos seems quite distant, like he's always just standing beside me- no PDA or cuddles.

Have intimacy issues come up for you before? And out of interest, did you sit down and ask him why he was spending so much more time at the computer towards end of term and on there so late (which is what apparently sparked your suspicion) or did you go straight to the snooping in his work emails?

You know him, we don't. Obviously, his actions are causing you some stress and worry. I wholeheartedly think you should keep an eye on his emails and on his phone. That is the only way you will find out what is going on. Do not think that if you challenge him he will come clean! Oh no!. Never!

Trust your own judgement. Listen to your gut feeling. We have that for a reason.

Yes, because a gut feeling can never be wrong.

I've been accused by four women of having an affair with their husbands.

That would make me wonder what I was doing to give 4 different women that impression TBH.

I don't know what emails or text messages these wives saw to make them suspicious, but over familiarity with married men can cause an issue for some wives.

My DH was invited to a female colleagues birthday party once ... I wasn't invited as far as I know. Next thing (a week later) she has tagged him in a photo and is standing behind him while he's sitting with her arms

drapped over him. I did wonder what the hell was going on. But I went on her FB page and checked out her other photos and she's like this with all other guys.

I personally think that it's inappropriate to have your arms over a married man like that, but I didn't say anything because I realised she was like that.

I doubt she's having an affair with anyone, but it's the way she acts that would cause a wife concern.

Now if a man had his arms over me like that - my DH would be furious!

I just think that you give off certain vibes ....or your conversation is overly personal and these women are concerned for a reason.

I was in a similar situation but I told myself to shut up and stop being suspicious.

He then unexpectedly dumped me for her.

If it were my husband I would probably remind him that this was holiday time and that work doesn't encroach - and I would expect him to stop work stuff at that point.

Haha, if my partner told me he expected me to stop work stuff I'd be showing him the door!

SandyY2K surely if anything was to give a wife concern it should be the behaviour of her husband and not some random woman?