Husband and female colleague

[123awife]

My husband of 3 years has recently been having more contact with a female colleague who is about 10 years younger and single. I will describe the contact and welcome your views on whether I should be concerned of a slippery slope.

Checking through his emails, I see that she confided in him about a personal work issue and he emailed to comfort her, telling her she should pop over to his office if she needed to talk and for a coffee. He then emailed her again very shortly after, with work stuff in the email, but asked her for her mobile number as he wanted to call her. He could have called her at her office surely! In the email he gave her his mobile. Then I see he emailed her several times in a short space of time with other work stuff, but telling her the work stuff could wait given her personal issues. If it could wait why didn't he leave her alone?
A few days later she emailed to say they should discuss the work stuff but it could wait. My husband was on annual holiday by this stage, but despite this time off, he offered to meet her. She suggested his office but he changed and suggested a coffee shop during the day. He could have met her at his office but suggested the coffee shop. He later contacted her to say he was running late as he was picking up papers at his office to give her at the coffee shop- even more reason meeting at the office would be more convenient for them both! Later that day he met her he said it was good to have some of her time. He emailed several more times after the coffee date and the emails were sent late, well after her working hours, and he was on holiday don't forget. He then emailed her a day before we left for our own holiday together. The work stuff could certainly have waited as it wasn't urgent by any means.
We both then went away on our holiday together. She probably didn't know we were away but she replied to his email, also late into the night. He then replied to her at midnight during our holiday thanking her for her valuable comments which he has taken them all on board. Again, not urgent work matters, but to email her at midnight on holiday with me! In the email he also asked her how her short holiday had gone and probing a bit for details of her holiday as she had been away by the time we went away. So he knew her holiday plans as well. Should I be concerned? What's going on between them, it feels and reads like he's pursuing her?

Sorry, but it seems a bit fishy to me.

I mean it's too early to tell.
It's completely normal behaviour at work ime. However, I work in the sort of place where lots of people become friendly, close and even have affairs or at the very least, lots of contact with people they are not married to day and night..this can easily tip over into excess interest and bonding .
It is fine ATM, but if he is usually quite shy and going to a coffee shop would be quite unusual then he could be interested but feigning work issues. The only thing that strikes me is, at work we have coffee all the time, and go to the canteen together, but not so much to outside coffee shops , that is a bit different, unless it's common at his workplace.
Is he a flirt?

It's difficult to say.
He could be pursuing her in a very unprofessional way - or trying to be helpful.
The midnight emails would make make suspicious, especially on leave.
People behave differently with colleagues , you know him better than most people.
Is this normal behaviour for him? Is he the colleague who pours oil over troubled waters for others?
If so, he could just be trying to help. If not, he may well have another agenda going on here.

I think from what you've said its all about work, it's just e mails . There's nothing suspicious there.

This is pretty much word for word what was posted on here a few weeks ago? Was that you? Are you still worrying?

He could have made her a coffee at his office. Going out for coffee is not usual at his work. He is a kind person and works hard to get things right at work...a bit perfectionist. but to reach out to a colleague over coffee out the office, he has only worked with a handful of times over the last year seems overly "nice and attentive". As I say he's not invited the other woman he works more closely with (and for a longer period) out to coffee before, and not over the same work stuff he's been corresponding with the single woman about. He's said to the other woman "lets meet in august" to discuss further.
The midnight emails are suspicion and out of proportion, especially when we are abroad together on holiday. I'll see if he has any other email contact with her.
If it was innocent, I don't understand why he asked for her mobile saying he "wanted to call her" when he could reach her during office hours via her office phone- even if the motive was to comfort her, why not phone her at work via the office phone? He's only gotten to know her over the last year since she's worked in and out his workplace, so she's not even a fixture around his workplace or around him, and only has a small role as a visiting agency, so to email frequently and at the late hour when we're abroad doesn't seem proportionate.
I'm angry he's emailed her at midnight to thank and praise her for her comments and he's saying he'll use them all in the project, and to actually ask her how her holiday has gone...and we're here having ours! Oh sorry....he must be attracted to her in some way. It seems obvious. Yes its email contact and a text to date...but he actually asked for her mobile number...so he had intentions did he not?!

Hi there, no not I haven't posted on here before. I've only joined tonight/ today as I'm gutted. I've only been married a few years!

Like I said , trust your gut . It may be all about work at the moment but I have a feeling it will tip over into an affair, maybe 'just' an emotional one ( still not right though) or maybe a full blown one .

It's difficult to call him on it at the moment because he will say it's just work.

Are all affairs not sexual affairs ultimately though? A man's a man and all that malarkey.... He's asked he out for coffee and has her mobile... He's obviously drawn to her. Emailing at midnight makes me think she's in his mind throughout the day when we are abroad on holiday ....who knows what he's fantasising about

Not all affairs make it to the sexual stage , mainly because they get caught out by the wronged husband/wife before it gets that far.

An emotional affair is just as damaging to a marriage though.

What do you want to do ? It's a rotten situation for you .

I could see it either way. But you obviously don't or you wouldn't be asking. You know him best.

My gut has never been wrong. What does your gut tell you?

To me this is not unusual behaviour at least in the type of work that I do. It sounds like he is mentoring her to me. Sometimes when younger people work with me and I get to know them/they share personal details I will arrange to meet them outside of work for coffees and chat but it's all still professional. Similarly the people who are my career mentors do the same with me, we will go for a walk and talk or have a coffee meeting in the local coffee shop. again, entirely professional.

it's not unusual for me and many others at work to send emails late at night. I often do it, with the intention that the person will get to the email in the morning, not that they will be reading and responding late at night. Sometimes people do respond at the time. One of my superiors almost always responds to emails that aren't urgent, late (11pm-midnight). I think he waits to deal with non urgent stuff at home.

He's a Teacher?

Agree have often sent late night e mails to mentors, trainers etc. there isn't time in the normal working day.

You seem to have written him off already, does he have form for flirting? Has he given you any reason historically for you not to trust him? Why haven't you asked him about it?

Your reaction seems a bit OTT personally. I work with external companies and my emails are always filled with chatty fluff, asking how holidays and what not were that I really don't care about but its essential in building a relationship, especially when they're providing you with a service or you're trying to sell something. I'm not single and I regularly have coffee/lunch with said external parties I work with, I've gone to coffee shops to sign/handover documents, have meetings etc., my BF, rightly doesn't have an issue with this - I'm pretty sure if I posted saying "my BF read my work emails and now thinks I'm having an affair with a colleague because we had coffee" all the replies would be "LTB, he's controlling and doesn't trust you".

From my point of view this all sounds perfectly reasonable.

What is not reasonable is you going through pages and pages of confidential work emails. You shouldn't even have a password for the account.

Both my DH and I would be sacked if we allowed our spouse access to work emails (and we happily read each other's texts, personal emails and Facebook)

I sometimes send emails at midnight. I don't sleep much and often work well into the evening.

So do a couple of my colleagues. In fact I was having an instant messenger conversation with a male colleague at 11pm the other night. As I recall we exchanged a few words about holidays during the conversation.

I'd consider asking about holidays totally normal, especially between colleagues who don't know each other well. Work communication goes more smoothly if you can make personal connections with colleagues so I often ask about people's weekends, holidays, kids etc.

Re the coffee shop. He was on holiday. If he'd gone into work he'd have got dragged into a whole day of stuff rather than an hours meeting. He chose a neutral, public place. It was hardly a candlelight dinner for goodness sake.

Regarding her telling him
about a personal work matter. Either it potentially impacted on their project or as they work for different companies she wanted an outsider's advice.

I can honestly see nothing concerning in what you've written (other than the confidentiality breech you've committed of course)

Btw I have work mobile numbers for all my colleagues and personal mobile numbers for about 75% of them.

My DH is the same for his colleagues - it's normal.

What on earth do you do for a living that this seems so strange to you?

You know he's never asked his other colleague for coffee - just how long have you been reading all his emails for?!

You mentioned term at one point - is he a teacher? Because if so your reading his work emails is a massive safe guarding issue and you could get him into an awful lot of trouble.

This could be something, or it could be nothing but your behaviour is really OTT and I think a bit unfair, and you should maybe look at why you feel this way and talk to your husband instead of persistently spying on him....

Ultimately, we're all just guessing, but...

Nothing you've said so far makes me think affair. If they don't work for the same company (which I think is what you've said) then meeting in a public place seems like an entirely normal and appropriate thing to do. It's more of a courtesy than making her visit his office. Likewise, if she has a job where she frequently visits other people/offices then it's probably easier to get in touch with her on a mobile phone. Especially if they want to discuss these 'personal work issues' - perhaps it's something she can't discuss in an open plan office??

Nothing screams affair to me and you're bang out of order for reading through his emails, even more so as they are work related and he could get sacked if you let slip that you'd been snooping.

I think your worry serves you right for reading through in some detail his personal and work emails. This sounds to me like typical work stuff between colleagues. Indeed I could quite easily send those sorts of mails to people in my team. It would take a suspicious and jealous mind to create that into something other than innocent. I

I wouldn't be happy with him meeting up with her for coffee outside of work or exchanging mobiles. I think that oversteps a mark and is unnecessary.

I agree with pps who say you shouldn't be snooping. I disagree with others who say it's likely to be nothing. Unless your oh is s very kind and warm hearted and considerate and selfless person (it's possible, is he? ) then I'd begin to think he was not altogether safe in this context. Maybe he has a crush?

I have seen affairs develop exactly like this - older or senior man mentoring a younger woman colleague and if he can be a shoulder to cry on, even better, spending more time doing things out of concern for her than on his own wife.

It sounds like your husband is keen and it would depend on whether or not she would be interested as to how things develop.

I agree that the midnight email on holiday is inappropriate (were you around or in bed?) and the meeting in a coffee shop when the office would do.

I have a manager who contacts female colleagues every evening after his wife has gone to bed . He told me once he deletes all his messages before he goes to bed himself as he knows she wouldn't approve.

Having said that it is possible to have close working relationships with people that are genuine.

What I find scandalous is that you're reading through his mail, electronic or otherwise. Why would you do this? And how will you confront him with your suspicions? The fact that you're snooping and prying says more about the state of your marriage than his possible flirtation.