Daughter returning to abusive ex. Advice please!

[punchintheguts]

24 yrs ago my dd married a narcissistic abuser.dd was first attacked on honeymoon, and went downhill from there.
*he refused to work, my dd was breadwinner.
*he had numerous affairs which he threw in her face, even one with a family member. he completely isolated dd, only "allowing" her to mix with his parents.
*he tormented me for money.
*dd arrived crying, saying her said he would kill her if she left him, which was what she wanted to do, just 4 years into the marriage.

• then he told me in person he would kill dd if she ever left him. *he deleted phone messages/emails/texts from me, isolating her further. *She lost her legal career due to his financial abuse. *I made a 4 page statement to the domestic violence unit, but when they contacted dd, she said she was "okay"(then proceeded to become angry with me for reporting it) *then they emigrated abroad, him on a work visa as dd was in the middle of a bankruptcy" *his "work" lasted just one week, my dd was reduced to being an illegal cleaner to get by to support the "family" home and children. *he eventually threw dd out by the throat (her ds tried to protect her but took a beating himself)and moved his new GF in. *dd rang me in desperation, I immediately went to support her, paid the deposit for a home for her and the children.(needless to say he paid not one penny in support/maintenance) *eventually dd managed to establish a successful business and support herself and the children. *we secured her house with locks and chains on doors as he was still threatening her for money and turning up with new gf.. *eventually it all became to much for dd, and she took the children, left her house and came back to the uk, and "hid" in a rented house where she thought she would be safe. *he would constantly ring me threatening to kill dd, but my GD heard him, contacted him on facebook to "leave nan alone ".he laughed at her, told her in writing he would come to her place of work and give her a good hiding, and to mind her own business. *he found her in the rented house, attacked her sibling who was trying to support her. *eventually she returned back abroad , and life carried on. he followed her, but was eventually deported back to the uk, and there was peace for dd. *he financially abused a widow he found on a dating site, she found my number on his phone and rang me in a terrified state. *he then managed to convince his ex gf to marry him and went back to the country, and the abuse began for my dd. *my dd/me and the children lived in fear of his next move, but dd did her best, supported the family home and children. *eventually dd met a lovely divorced man, who adores her. he is the totally opposite of her monstrous abusive ex. *I had a police marker on my home, I was terrified he would turn up and cause turmoil. *through the middle of this I suffered a stroke, the constant worry and fear of what would happen next. *he has a son by his first marriage who is virtually nc with him. his father died recently, his dm is elderly, basically he is alone now. *his dsis in nc, she suffered for years at his hands. *he has a gf of 3 years. why am I explaining what He is doing?

I was so happy last night .She told me she was returning to the uk after all the years away

I am in my mid 70's now, and miss her and the grandchildren so much.
Then she dropped the bombshell.
SHE IS COMING BACK TO THE UK, TO BE WITH THE EX HUSBAND TO LIVE TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.
I felt my stomach in the old familiar churning.
I told her she is going back in the lions den.
A leopard doesn't change it's spots.
Why, after the years of misery, fear, and turmoil?
She "explained" that even though her partner, who would "do anything for her", the adult children won't have the same relationship with him as they would with their real(abusive dangerous) father.
I tried to remind her about the cunning/manipulative devious violent verbal and physical events over the last two decades, but her reply was
"He Has Changed Mum".
I said even though he tried to destroy our relationship he never managed to completely break it, but be sure I don't ever want any contact with him again.
She said it will be lovely to have Christmas's together as a family.
I replied "count me out" I can't go through the disastrous events again.
She replied, if it all starts up again she will leave straightaway.

Am I wrong?
Forgive and forget?
I can't do that.
advice please.

Cutting contact with your daughter is the right decision in these circumstances. You can't allow yourself to be polluted by the drama and pain that her foolish choices will bring. Choices she is making of her own free will and ignoring not only the feelings and views of those closest to her but the evidence from her own experiences! She has repeatedly expected you to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong - a very nice comfort blanket! - but why on earth should you this time?!

You started this thread by listing all the things her ex husband had done over the years; perhaps you should now make a list of all the things your daughter has done over the years? Because she's behaved badly at times too. Perhaps that list will give you resolve when she starts to use emotional blackmail and manipulation to get you to talk to her or make you feel like it's you in the wrong or help her or give her money?

Leave them to their childish and pathetic 'power' games. Get on with your life. You still have your husband and son and, as you say, the sun is shining! Be free of the weight of your daughter's car crash of a life. And keep posting here when you need to let off steam.

thank you.
today my hair is falling out, not massively but enough.
that has told me enough is enough now.
my stomach is painful.
stress.
the initial thread is just the tip of the iceberg to be honest, it's all come flooding back.
yes, it has been a prolonged car crash.
my ds will be back soon.
this is the second day of nc.
I haven't replied to her last email asking me to talk to her.
and I won't.
I can't go through it all again, at this age it's worse.
I am keeping my head busy.
each time these destructive thoughts come in, I push them out.
it will be hard, but I will move forward.

Just read the whole thread and the pain she has caused you is very palpable, my heart goes out to you. However difficult, nc is the only way forward. You must look after yourself and put your energy into people that appreciate and return it, your DH, DSis, son, other daughter, gc, friends.

You know we are there to protect our children when they are small and to occasionally help them once they are adults, but we are not there to protect our children over the age of 50 from the consequences of their own choices.

thank you for reinforcing my understanding of these awful events that have imploded my life.
this truly is the worst choice she has made in her life, and she has made many.
but NC it is for me, self preservation finally.
just beyond belief.
friends/family who know what the last 20 odd years have been like, are totally in disbelief and bewilderment.
dd says she wants her "family back", ( by going back to X after so many years)but until last Tuesday she had us all, but not anymore..

It's not your journey to take. It's ok to stop following where she leads you.

It's ok and you don't have to be nasty, or engage with her if she tries to create drama and fuss.

You are not doing anything wrong by taking care of yourself in a situation you didn't cause or want.

thank you for your reassuring advice.
I have "given" myself permission to stop following along the horrendous route my dd has now chosen.
I will not engage of react to any contact hard as that may be.
I certainly didn't cause any of this abuse.

you now, this has brought my dear granddaughters(25 and 27) even closer.
they too are horrified/bewildered at dd's decision.
they are angry for me.
they are supportive of me. it makes me feel so loved by them.
I can move forward slowly into a peaceful old age!!!!!!!!!!!

So she says she's doing this for her children yet they are horrified by her choice. Her bizarre reasoning for returning to her ex husband - that a home with her and her partner would not be good enough for her children because he's not 'blood' - is looking shakier by the second.

She doesn't seem to much care for others' feelings so I'm surprised she's not just being honest about why she's going back to him - because she wants to!

After all, as a previous poster noted, she would never have split up from the man if he hadn't kicked her out of the home to move his new girlfriend in.

Physical violence, financial ruin, not working, numerous affairs, the total abuse of their children - none of this matters to her. He must have seriously hidden depths!

(Do you have two granddaughters? I thought it was a grandson and granddaughter?)

well, I have been truly "put in my place" today.

emailed dd two days ago, and finally received the reply I expected.

Prior to two weeks ago she and I , so I thought had a loving mother/daughter relationship.

dd begins with "you are told me your views, now here are mine.

But, now dd is back with the x, after years of freedom, she has reversed back to her old unpleasant self.

The email I received was more akin to a solicitors correspondence.

She wrote, "her decision is not open to democratic debate" from either me or the family.

That she is not a victim , but a financially independent women.

If I don't contact her when she is in the UK in12 days time, my life will be poorer for it.

also that when I assisted her when she "escaped " the abuse to a safe house (which cost many thousands as she left it in winter, the pipes burst and it flooded) then gave her the deposit for a new house as she was homeless, furnished it, even got conned into paying for the divorce "so he will leave me alone"she says she has "done it all on her own!
She has never asked for anything emotionally or financially since then.

If it "doesn't work out" she will walk away with no regrets.
It is her life and she will do whatever she wants, it's nobody's business but her own!
So that told me.
Basically stuff you mother, I count, you don't.
what do you think?

If you must reply just leave it at "Best of luck" and leave it at that. Cos there's nothing more to say. Waste of breath. Don't get sucked in.

I know no contact is hard. In your previous post you said you wouldn't contact her. Your most recent update contradicts this, and her response was hurtful. But, harsh though it is, she's right, it is her life, she can do whatever she wants with it. If you continue to engage, you will get more of the same. I think I, or another poster, said up-thread that she will re-write history, and she is. As I see it, you have three choices, and they are: 1. No contact 2. Contact, with no mention about him, or the relationship. 3. You cave in, continue to be her emotional punchbag with an ever ending supply of money waiting to bail her out. So three isn't an option, but it's what she wants. She's being as I expected, upping the nastiness and bullying because you've dared say no. Keep strong, and just ignore her for the time being.

I can't imagine how hard it is to see your own child covered in bruises.

BUT... She seems like an enabler to him, and just not a very nice person deep down. She tried to live the normal life, but ended up using and manipulating her loving partner, and doesn't give a shit how this affects anyone else - including her own children.

Or at the very least, she's an addict; and he's her poison.

Protect yourself. You are obviously an amazingly strong woman

Ignore ignore ignore.

Don't engage, don't react, (and preferably, don't even read her words)

Try not to let any of her words stick, as mulling then over and getting upset at all the different barbs isn't actually in the spirit of letting her do this alone. It's staying in the pin cushion mode and being there to feel each hurt again.

Time to move out of the way!
If you want to reply, find a mantra that you say to all contact without exception. Or better for your wellbeing at the moment would be to not engage at all. Can you get your husband to read anything just in case there is something important? Or will you hear anything important through your grand children? In which case there's no need to read anything.

Remember your words:

"I have "given" myself permission to stop following along the horrendous route my dd has now chosen.
I will not engage or react to any contact hard as that may be.
I certainly didn't cause any of this abuse"

Unbelievable. What a horrible woman your DD is 😡

And....This is your life and I trust you will do whatever YOU want, OP.

I would be tempted to respond in kind - I have heard your opinions, you know mine, and I will be the judge of what will and will not enrich my life, finish. Tempted....

The main thing is non engagement, though. This is the goal.

So it would be better to write out your thoughts; not send them; and maintain a dignified silence while you start to build a healthy life, free from all this toxicity.

oh cary2012,
you are exactly right.

I decided to write down how we all are feeling, not so much to change her mind, but simply so she understands the emotional explosion which has been dumped on us .

yes, history is definitely being re written.

Option 1 No contact and peace of mind all round.

Option 2 isn't an option at all as it's impossible to have a half sided relationship, with a massive elephant in the room.

Option 3 cave in and wait for the dramas and misery to repeat itself.
Not a possibility after dd had her freedom for so many years then return to it all, No..

Yes, the pattern of behaviour is beginning, How Dare I Say No.

I will keep strong, not lose any more sleep, and somehow remove those dark rings from my eyes.
It is dd's life, she all but destroyed ours in the process.
But no more emails, no contact, I wish her well, (a miracle is called for)

Your DD has made her decision clear.

What you do now is down to you.

You can engage and allow this vile shitty behaviour from her (not him) to upset you and drag you down.

Or you can go NC and have a peaceful life.

You cannot switch between without causing yourself grief.

Your choice.

I have remained nc to protect myself and dh (despite two emails from dd professing her love and "she misses me".
my ds is making his plans to return back to the uk.

so far, so good.

of course it is heart breaking for me, but I must protect my sanity now.

But, this is the big But.
A mutual friend of myself and the x's 3rd wife (my dd is wife number 2)
has told me that the x has been pestering and pleading his 3rd wife to come back to him.
all this while managing to persuade my dd (2nd wife) to come back to him.
The 3rd wife had her life completely destroyed by the x, lost everything, virtually including her mind and two children.

Now this 3rd wife said she will send me the x's emails pleading undying love to her, which I could forward to my dd, before she becomes embroiled into the lions' den again, in 4 days time.

at least I could "prove" conclusively to dd that he is only after her for financial reasons, as he already has a gf, plus chasing the other wife.
or, perhaps she wouldn't listen anyway?
should I just butt out as I have been for the last 3 weeks?

Don't go there.

Stay NC.

Tell these people you do not want to talk about them at all.

yes.

Tell mutual friend you would prefer not to hear any further details as it isn't good for you. Hopefully if they care about you they'll stop.

Nothing would come of it. Your daughter is obsessed. She's obsessed with him, and is obsessed with being his destiny. She would turn it around to attack and blame #3. XH would make up some excuse and proclaim his eternal love of your DD only, and it would bring them closer, united against everyone.

You are forgetting that he thrives on drama and chaos. And clearly she needs that too. This would literally be giving them a cause.

yes.

Ask xw3 to fwd them direct

Ask xw3 to fwd them direct

^^^ This

Don't get involved. 3rd wife can always do her bit for humanity and send them herself if she thinks it's the right thing to do.