Found something....

[summersunshineaddict]

Was using dps phone for something through other day, found an app called Kik. Opened it out of curiousity and he's been sending really quite filthy messages to other girls and photos too.

Things havent been great and we've not been having much sex but still this just hurt.

I've been trying to think of any reason he'd do this but I can't

I have posted before about having to hide my friendships with guys but I don't think this is comparable

[summersunshineaddict]

So even though I've been awful to him its no excuse?

[Fellytone]

How were you awful to him?

[headinhands]

If people are awful to us we talk to them, ask them to stop and then walk away if things don't change. We don't send porno style pictures/messages to people outside of our relationship unless we're too thick and stupid to realise it's not going to help/make things worse.

[adora1]

Did you humiliate him by sending your naked body to other men, no, didn't think so.

[headinhands]

Op you deserve real blood and guts love with a partner who cherishes the sanctity of your intimate bond. Not the piece of shit he is. You'll be fine. I bet that over the days you will see all the way we was a bunch of crap to you.

[summersunshineaddict]

No, I've been struggling because things have been bad so have been very very quiet and not affectionate at all. He worded it that I've been ignoring him, which I would say isn't quite true but that is how he felt.

Maybe he's trying to blame me to help himself feel better

[adora1]

OP, even if you had ignored him, treated him like crap, not been nice, it still doesn't excuse what he has done, what he has done is go behind your back and do some really seedy stuff with god knows who, since when anyway did two wrongs make a right.

Also, he's doing what they all do, putting blame on you because it lessens how shit he should feel about himself, so again, it's all about him, has he actually thought about you at all in all of this.

[Fellytone]

Maybe he's trying to blame me to help himself feel better

You've hit the nail on the head there. I'd say there's no "maybe" about it. He's trying to deflect his guilt on to you. You haven't been "awful" to him. We all go through rough patches. If this is the correct way to deal with them then why were you not cheating on him?

He's trying to manipulate you. You've already said previously that he has a problem with you having male friends. Yet it's OK for him to have explicit conversations with other women?

[headinhands]

Maybe he's trying to blame me to help himself feel better

You know it! If he had been quiet and not cuddling you in what universe would you reason 'I know, I'll send a pic of my tits to a guy in Bristol, that'll sort it out'.

[Fellytone]

It's quite strange that I'm here giving you this advice when I didn't follow it myself 2 years ago. It's so much easier to see things clearly when you're looking from the outside.

Ultimately you need to come to these realisations on your own. I know I flipped between wanting my friends to call him every name under the sun to getting really defensive when they did because he was mine and I, bizarrely, felt protective of him. Change is hard. Forced change is even harder, you didn't choose any of this. Let the tears come, scream, cry, miss him. Because you will. But keep the anger as well, so that when you feel like you want to forget it all and go back because you love him you can summon up the strength to stay away.

[Fellytone]

'I know, I'll send a pic of my tits to a guy in Bristol, that'll sort it out'.

Sorry Summer, I know the situation isn't funny in the slightest but this made me literally laugh out loud

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Wise words, Fellytone

[summersunshineaddict]

I do love the *I'll send a pic of my tits to a guy in Bristol" comment, that made me smile thank you

He did go through a phase of being like that and I didn't. I just plodding along knowing it would end and spoke to my friends more to cheer myself up

[summersunshineaddict]

Oops bold fail there

[headinhands]

The 'Bristol guy boob pic' is amusing because it shows how illogical it is to use a rough patch as an excuse for being a shit. But I get its easier for those of us who aren't currently dealing with the mental gymnastics involved with excusing totally unreasonable behaviour. It really does take time to get out of the fog when you're involved with someone emotionally stunted. The things is, until you've been in that situation you assume all adults are roughy the same but some people are just crap at the honesty and intimacy of a relationship. I don't think these people mean to be toxic, I think they're just doing what works for them, not taking responsibility.

[summersunshineaddict]

I think it doesn't help that his family always tell him what he wants to hear so they've said they understand why it happened

[adora1]

Can see where he gets his moral compass from then huh.

[summersunshineaddict]

I think if roles were reversed they wouldn't be saying that though

[Toxicity]

FWIW Summer, I think you have done the right thing. From what I gather from your posts, he got the hump over you being friends with other men yet he is sending explicit messages/photos to other women! Talk about double standards.

Be strong and try not to worry about what others are saying, if certain people think his behaviour is fine well let them be in a relationship with him!

Good luck and

[Iflyaway]

What I would like is a break, some time apart to consider things. I will discuss that with him although I doubt he will agree.

But it's your life, you can make any decision you want.

Don't give your power away to a man who does not have your best interests at heart.

[summersunshineaddict]

He has agreed to the break Iflyaway but we haven't put any time limit on it or anything.

Thanks all

Being very down about it all today which isn't great

[adora1]

Has he even tried to make you feel better or has he just slunk off like a coward, what is he saying to you, if anything?

Btw, the fact he doesn't like you having male friends or prefers you at home is possibly down to the fact that he is a cheat, they quite often accuse their partner of exactly what they are doing, albeit subconsciously.

[summersunshineaddict]

He has apologised but seems to be taking it all better than I am to be honest.

I genuinely think what his family have said has impacted on him a great deal, as in that he doesn't feel that he is any more to blame for our break up than he is.

[summersunshineaddict]

Than I am that should read

[headinhands]

Op it makes no difference what anyone says here on MN, within his family or anywhere in the world. You have your own idea of what is and isn't acceptable. You have your own idea of how people should operate in an intimate relationship. And your idea seems sound and logical to me. That of trust and not sending sexual images of yourself to people outside of that relationship. If he wants a relationship where he is free to behave as such he should make that clear at the outset. I'm guessing he won't because it's not about a relationship for him. It's about having a partner for the drudgery while he gets to feel like a stud .

Stick to what you worked out for yourself in the seconds after your discovery. It's not on and you deserve better. And better is out there

It's a good idea to think about how quickly you saw red flags in this relationship. How soon did you feel uncomfortable with his behaviour?