Found something....

[summersunshineaddict]

Was using dps phone for something through other day, found an app called Kik. Opened it out of curiousity and he's been sending really quite filthy messages to other girls and photos too.

Things havent been great and we've not been having much sex but still this just hurt.

I've been trying to think of any reason he'd do this but I can't

I have posted before about having to hide my friendships with guys but I don't think this is comparable

Actually, summer, you've probably treated him much better than you think, and certainly better than he deserves. Any "was it me?" you're feeling probably has more to do with his playing with your mind than it does with reality

That's the point about having a normal moral compass, you see - we tend to ask what our own part in something has been. Too bad he's not capable of the same insight ...

I think its easier for him to put the blame elsewhere, means he doesn't have to feel guilty in the same way

I think it's the right thing even if it feels bad for now. Feeling bad doesn't mean you've done something wrong. You deserve better from a relationship. Recognising that and making a difficult decision doesn't make you guilty of anything.

Just got to sort the house out now

We've said maybe its not forever but it isn't working at the moment.

You are doing the right thing, keep separated until YOU feel like talking, stop listening to his crap, having sex chats and sending pics is a form of cheating OP, albeit virtual, same thing, he's betrayed your trust and shat all over the relationship. He's even blaming you for it due to feeling unloved - again, another excuse, it's never down to lack of sex, it's down to the person giving themselves permission to be a bastard and it really means they don't value the relationship that much that they are willing to risk losing their partner over a sexual kick - simple as that.

I hope during the separation you will come to realise that you can do a lot better than him.

I do understand that I wasn't treating him well and it wasn't right of me. I don't think it excuses his actions.

It's done now anyway

Stop taking the blame for him cheating OP, it has nothing to do with you, we all go through times where we are not great to our partners, it doesn't give you license to go cheat on them.

I'd also be aware that it's unlikely you have uncovered everything, he's probably on dating sites too.

No, that's true.

I doubt he is on dating sites as I think my friends would have found him. It is possible though.

I still want to think the best of him for some reason

He could be under any name, men who cheat are usually on dating sites too, he can easily message women without being caught out, I'd seriously doubt he's only on this app, and he's been messaging more than one person too.

He doesn't count this as cheating, I think he would see that as cheating though

I bet he doesn't considering he is the one cheating lol, sorry OP, it's not about him minimising his actions, it's about you deciding what you are prepared to put up with and what you expect from a partner, regardless of your open views on sex, he's been humiliating you and taking the complete piss, so, is that ok too to him?

You're right, I know you are

If its not cheating, he'd be perfectly happy to find that you'd been doing the same thing, right? Somehow I suspect that would suddenly not be ok.

Sorry to shove the boot in more but the fact he is not even fighting for you and is accepting the separation also proves his guilt.

Things have been on the rocks a while (a few months) so he hasn't done this out of the blue in a happy relationship to be fair to him.

I don't condone it and I think if things were the other way around he would be more cross than I am.

He would be cross if it were the other way around as you would be really hurting him. He is really hurting you Take that reality over guilt as it will help you grieve the relationship.

I'm 7 months beyond an almost 2 decade relationship and I'm just now getting to really find out who I am and what I like. I started to look into dating sites, but decided to wait and I'm glad I've had the break.

Ideas to try...
Spend lots of time with friends, join a gym, try new hobbies, cook different food and live your life without guilt or disappointment.

I'm lucky in that I have quite a hectic life anyway so keeping busy is relatively easy.

Missing him so much already

You have done the right thing. It's hard to see how you would ever have been able to respect this person again.

No, but I find it odd that IRL some people (well 2 out of many) have almost implied its not that bad

Its not something all men do is it?!?!

Only shit men do this kind of thing OP.

I'm just feeling like I wasn't enough for him

No, not all men do things like this. Do not let other people minimise what he has done. Do you find it acceptable? That's the only opinion that matters.

No, it makes me feel horrible

Exactly. If the people who don't think it's that bad would be happy with their partner doing it then best of luck to them.

I know how hard it is to let go of the person you love. It's too easy to fall in to the trap of remembering all the good stuff. Of looking back and thinking about the times you might have been a bit of a bitch. To blame yourself. I've been there. But ask yourself, knowing how much you love him, would you have risked your relationship and hurting him in this way just because things had been a bit difficult lately? I suspect the answer is no. I'd also hazard a guess that even if things were perfect between you he would still have done this. Some people are only capable of thinking about themselves.

Yeah I'm afraid I also believe he would still have done this, I don't think it's because things were not good at the time, we all have ups and downs and it's how you deal with them and one thing that should not enter your head is to go seek thrills from other women, it shows a complete lack of respect so it's not that you are not good enough OP, it's blatantly obvious it's him who is lacking and weak.