Found something....

[summersunshineaddict]

Was using dps phone for something through other day, found an app called Kik. Opened it out of curiousity and he's been sending really quite filthy messages to other girls and photos too.

Things havent been great and we've not been having much sex but still this just hurt.

I've been trying to think of any reason he'd do this but I can't

I have posted before about having to hide my friendships with guys but I don't think this is comparable

No I'm not buying into anything

So we talked last night, well he talked and I cried. He flips between taking the blame and saying it is because he felt unloved.

I'm still in shock and heartbroken by it all but I know I can't unsee that

summer you really do need to get him out of there, at least for the time being - there's no way you'll be able to get your head straight with him around, and he really does need to know that he doesn't get to control you over this

Somebody who was really sorry would be in despair at what he'd done and working like hell to repair things, not just flipping between pretend apologies and blaming you

The remorse really doesn't sound as if it's there, does it?

You poor thing

He doesn't even sound sorry, just sorry he got caught

He's like this over everything. Very rarely (if ever) will fully take the blame for anything, whereas I am more along the lines of if I do anything wrong I will put my hands up to it.

I need to work out what to do with the house

Everyone else is amazed I'm still talking to him let alone anything else. In my head its out of character but then I look at the photos I took of the conversation and feel so sick again

Op, I'm sorry you are going through this. Where you are now is where I was nearly 2 years ago. Heartbroken. I rationalised it, maybe he didn't even think that it was cheating. Maybe he thought it was no different to porn. Maybe now he knows how I feel about it he'll be mortified and heartbroken over what he's done to me.

I stayed. Fast forward to now, I found out last week that he'd been doing it again. I doubt he ever really stopped. There are no excuses this time. My marriage is over and my biggest regret is not ending it the first time around. These past 2 years have been filled with tears, hurt, sadness and paranoia. He was on his best behaviour, perfect husband in fact. Then I began to start trusting him again. Never believed he would do this to me again. I was very very wrong. It seems like he just waited for me to drop my guard a little.

Ultimately it's up to you. I just hope you don't make the same mistakes I did.

Thank you Fellytone, sorry to hear you are going through this . I don't think he sees it as cheating either, well he didn't he is agreeing now it is a form of cheating.

I have never been the paranoid type and I don't want to turn into that. When he's been away with work I've never considered he would be up to anything but now I'm not sure I wouldn't doubt him

I was never paranoid before. Trusted him with every fibre of my being. I had absolutely zero reason to suspect him of anything. I actually found out by opening up the browser on our shared computer and found a post on a forum where people post their kik usernames. I have never felt shock like it. I couldn't breathe.

You say you aren't the paranoid type. You will be now, you won't want to be. You'll find yourself wishing you never saw the messages. Wishing everything could go back to how it was. It can't though. This has fundamentally changed your relationship. Whether you stay or not is your choice but it will be hard work either way. And it is cheating. Don't doubt yourself.

Kik and the internet seem to have a lot to account for, although maybe without that they would just have other methods of getting up to no good who knows.

I already said I wish I hadn't found them. Said that to him last night actually. What I would like is a break, some time apart to consider things. I will discuss that with him although I doubt he will agree.

I don't think he would physically cheat, which may seem naive.

It does. Sorry.

I don't think he would even see this as cheating

What would he think of you doing it then?

He knows fine well it's cheating.

I'm sorry OP
But if you stay with him you're setting yourself up for years and years of misery and mistrust.

Just take the few weeks of heartbreak now; it'll be easier in the long run.

Its just trying to convince myself I will meet someone else, I will still get married and have children and I'm not going to end up sad and alone

I, too, made the same mistake as the very wise Fellytone, choosing to believe that my exH really was sorry this time. He never was of course; he just thought he'd got away with it and carried right on cheating

It's also true that the paranoia will get to you if you stay, the point being that awful as it is, it's not the original shock which finishes you - it's the grinding, miserable, doubt filled existence afterwards

And what's this about him probably not agreeing to a break while you consider things?? So much for him accepting any responsibility ... he really thinks he's got you exactly where he wants you, doesn't he?

Its just trying to convince myself I will meet someone else, I will still get married and have children and I'm not going to end up sad and alone

In which case, the sooner you get rid of him the better ... otherwise you'll find yourself in exactly the same position later, with yet more time wasted on him and nothing to show for it

I know, I'm just being a bit pathetic at the moment

You're not being pathetic. Your world has been turned upside down. I've lost a lot of loved ones and I can honestly liken the emotions to grief. The man you thought he was isn't there, it's hard. Your planned future has been torn away from you and it's a shock.

You have done nothing wrong.

You owe him nothing.

He is the one who should be on his knees begging.

There is nothing wrong with you, nothing you did or didn't do made him choose to cheat.

You will get through this.

These are all the things I'm telling myself as well right now. But I'm not going to lie, it is awful.

He has been begging, just in his own way

Not that it really means anything I don't think

Well we broke up

What a shitty situation. Big hugs xx

Well done, summer - it may not feel like it right now, but deep down I think you know you've done the right thing

Hopefully, now, you can have many happy days ahead

Seems like you've done the right thing summer. From this forum, it seems like that kind of behaviour rarely changes or stops.
Keep your chin up and when you've recovered I hope you meet a good partner.
Try "meetups" in your area, also try sports/activities that have decent no's of men; tennis, hiking, climbing, kayaking, photography etc.
xx

I've not treated him that well lately but I think that nothing ever deserved that

I feel like crap at the moment

Sorry you're Going through this summer . I think it's for the best though. I was with a partner for five years, found out he'd been texting prostitutes, he told me it never got to meeting stage. I didn't break up. I knew it was bullshit but I was scared of being alone so buried my head in the sand. Plus he seemed very sorry. Five years later found out he'd been cheating on me. He said it was cos he thought I didn't love him anymore - sound familiar? We've split now and whilst I'm hurting I know I've had a lucky escape. I should have dumped him five years ago but at least I'm not growing old with someone who doesn't respect and cherish me. X

Nothing to do with how you treated him. That's not how someone good reacts to a bad patch in a relationship. You deserve better.

Just hope everything works out in the end