Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found something....

160 replies

summersunshineaddict · 24/07/2016 12:20

Was using dps phone for something through other day, found an app called Kik. Opened it out of curiousity and he's been sending really quite filthy messages to other girls and photos too.

Things havent been great and we've not been having much sex but still this just hurt.

I've been trying to think of any reason he'd do this but I can't

I have posted before about having to hide my friendships with guys but I don't think this is comparable

OP posts:
Original poster
summersunshineaddict · 25/07/2016 09:19

I have to really don't I?!

OP posts:
Botanicbaby · 25/07/2016 09:58

Why wouldn't you end it?

Doinmummy · 25/07/2016 10:01

Yes you do . Smile

Original poster
summersunshineaddict · 25/07/2016 10:04

I don't know why I wouldn't, I know its the right thing to do.

Just hoped we would come out of this tough stage and be OK, but this is more than I can take really. I have low self confidence anyway and its not helped one bit

OP posts:
lankyesme · 25/07/2016 10:04

Please do end it - and I never comment on threads.

HuckfromScandal · 25/07/2016 10:06

He's playing on your own weaknesses and insecurities.
Yep, you know you have to finish it. Because if you don't, you'll be back here in 6 months, and things will have gotten no better.
He will promise it's a one of, but if you let it go - you green light him to do it again. You say by your actions - "I don't value me, so why should you"

OohMavis · 25/07/2016 10:19

He thinks you're an idiot.

"I fully expect you to end it Sad" translates to "Look how good I'm being, owning up to everything and giving you all the power... please feel sorry for me"

LesisMiserable · 25/07/2016 10:28

He sounds insecure and that basically being finished with is his expectation so he makes it a self fulfilling prophecy. He expects you to finish with him and so he does this stuff on the side because he feels unworthy of a decent relationship with one women so why stop doing it when it will end with you anyway. That's in him and you cant love or sex him out of it. Yes you need to leave him for his own sake or he'll never evolve. And you can do better.

Original poster
summersunshineaddict · 25/07/2016 10:29

I'll be the first to hold my hands up and say I've not been perfect to him lately but surely there is no excuse?!

He says I've ignored him lately. I haven't, we've been in a rough patch and I've been struggling with it and I deal with things by being a bit quiet.

OP posts:
Doinmummy · 25/07/2016 10:32

The whole relationship sounds as if it's been on the rocks anyway .

Life is hard enough , a relationship shouldn't make it harder , it should make all the other problems easier to bear .

ilovelamp82 · 25/07/2016 10:40

There is no excuse. By telling you that you've ignored him or you've not had enough sex he is putting the blame on you. You would live the rest of your life with him not being able to have a low time or go without sex for fear of what he would do. That is no way to live and will disintergrate any self etsteem you have left. If you take him back after this you're letting him know how he can continue to treat you.

You are suffering from low esteem now but listen to people that can look at this situation objectively or have been through the experience. Even though you don't feel like it at the moment, you are worth more than this. Although it is hard to break up with someone especially if you thought this would be the person you would spend the rest of your life with, in time your self esteem will start to come back and you will realise you've made a lucky escape.

It's so sad to see people late in life that regret not ending situations like this in their life earlier. Life is too short to be treated like this. It is so emotionally damaging to be treated so badly by the person that tells you they love you. It is no wonder you have low self esteem.

Look after yourself.

Botanicbaby · 25/07/2016 10:56

He's treating you with contempt. Please don't let him turn this around onto you. It's not your fault that he chose to do this.

Sorry that your self esteem is low, I think you'll improve once you take control and don't engage with him. The more you discuss things the more likely he'll weasel his way into getting you to stay.

Original poster
summersunshineaddict · 25/07/2016 10:59

Its odd how different people say different things, most people have said LTB but a few people have said "well at least he hasn't cheated"

I see this as cheating, surely it is? Even if it was just the once.

OP posts:
HuckfromScandal · 25/07/2016 11:08

I don't think that anyone has said that you shouldn't seriously consider that this relationship is not good for you.

Relationships don't just end beciase someone cheats.
Relationships end for all manner of reasons.
I would end this one if it was me, because.

  1. It doesn't enhance your life
  2. it makes your life feel worse
  3. He doesn't treat you with respect
  4. You are worth more than a bad / poor relationship
Original poster
summersunshineaddict · 25/07/2016 11:25

Sorry that was IRL they've said that its "not that bad"

Yes, I know I need to. I just envisioned my life with him and having kids with him

OP posts:
HuckfromScandal · 25/07/2016 12:25

Yep, and then imagine finding that he is messaging other women on KIK.

merville · 25/07/2016 13:00

I see this as cheating, surely it is? Even if it was just the once.

I would too.

It's very hard when you have envisaged your life with someone, but in your vision, he wasn't doing this, was he?

Also I haven't read your 'male friends' thread, but from what I can gather he's controlling on that front ... and now you've found out he's capable of doing this; overall he isn't looking like good relationship material. He sounds like his view of relationships "you be a 'good' girl, do what I say, and I'll get my sexual kicks however I like behind your back" ... not likely to lead to a healthy, happy relationship or marriage.

It is very hard but you will meet someone else sooner or later.

Also envisaged things in a similar way (most people do) but if I were single again, I'd take the "start at 0% expectation & commitment and build form there very gradually depending on their behaviour" .. rather than starting at 100% and having to painfully let a vision go.

merville · 25/07/2016 13:02

Sorry - "I've also envisaged .."

purpleshortcake · 25/07/2016 13:35

Summer sunshine...sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm going to go against the grain here and will probably get flamed but..

I recently got myself into a flirtatious text/Whatsapp cycle with a guy I'd known for years through work and always found great fun. I have a generally very good relationship, with DP but the spark is not the same as it was pre-kids and I think I liked the attention and being made to feel like a woman instead of life revolving around juggling kids work and home. The frisson of getting a message from him telling me I was gorgeous. Anyway things got a bit out of hand and some slightly dodgy pics were swapped. At no point did I plan on cheating but when he started suggesting we meet I gave myself a good talking to and have cooled things down. I know I need to focus on spending more time as a couple with DP. I love him dearly and could not imagine life without him.

I am just saying that your DH may have not been planning to cheat or have seen it as cheating. I think in my head it was harmless until I imagined how devastated DP would be if he saw some of the messages.

In your heart and head you will know what to do. Putting on my flame - resistant vest right now...

Original poster
summersunshineaddict · 25/07/2016 14:27

Do you know what Purple I don't think you're alone and I know you will be flamed but at least you're honest and have done something to stop it all

Had it just been flirting then yeah, that's a nice ego boost, I get it. The videos made it go that bit further really.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/07/2016 15:07

He says I've ignored him lately

Yet more of the "blame stage", I see ... mine tried the same, and that was after I'd supported him through loss of his job, several illnesses and more Hmm

I don't doubt your self esteem will soar if you get rid of him, but for now I'm quite certain he's relying on your slight uncertainty to keep the status quo while being more careful with his cheating next time

Oh, and if you stayed and felt even more unsure and lacking in affection in future while wondering where he is (and believe me you would) then guess what ... that would all be your fault too, for daring to doubt him after he'd apologized, and staying when he'd "offered" you the chance to chuck him out

Original poster
summersunshineaddict · 25/07/2016 15:34

He's said it doesn't excuse his behaviour (nope) but he thought I was going to end it

I think he's a little upset I've told people IRL

OP posts:
LIZS · 25/07/2016 16:29

I think he's a little upset I've told people IRL

I bet he is Hmm. Well done though, why should you keep his nasty little secrets?

AnyFucker · 25/07/2016 17:12

Well, he's a massive fucking hypocrite isn't he ?

Accuses you of cheating and he's putting out the feelers himself.

Unless you agree with him that you are of lower worth than him then yes you should end it.

I don't think you will though. You are buying into him blaming you. It's written all over your posts.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/07/2016 17:30

I think he's a little upset I've told people IRL

Bastard Angry