Brave Babes Battle Bus - Holding our heads up like thistles

[MaryMungoAndMidgies]

I bit the bullet - Come on in, excuse the faint whiff of dog!

The last thread

at testing the omelette!

Any fruit that has gone past its best goes into the freezer for sunny day treats (except grapes, of course).

Managed to sit outside with just a soft drink, helped by remembering that I'll probably get a call from DS to be picked up soon. I just need to get to 7pm and I'll be ok.

Drinking wine bloody great tribute to him that is, not. Phoned my mother and she pretty much cut me off when I mentioned him. Probably ought to ring my father too, but that definitely requires a few drinks first. Just so sad today, and guilty at how angry Ive felt towards him since he died. Can't stop thinking what I would of had if he was still here, I want him back to look after me, selfish as that sounds.

Why do you feel you need to talk to them, Elba? I understand why you do, but perhaps you should articulate it? You're expecting a negative response, are you hoping this time it will be different? Perhaps you need to simply step away on this occasion. Is there something you have done that your brother would be proud of, or that would have made him laugh? Why don't you tell us?

I don't know really, just feels like the 'correct' thing to do. We should be thinking about him and remembering him as a family but realistically that isn't going to happen. Phoned my father and he wants to see me, I've agreed to go in a couple of weeks. I don't want to see him but obviously im abandoning an old, ill man if I don't He makes my skin crawl. My brother was the only one who understood the fucked up dynamics of my 'family'. I want to step away from all of them, im just not brave enough.

Sorry, I've had a bottle of wine and I know I'm getting more and more self pitying and over sharing the more I drink. Being locked up in a bit to go out to dinner, have to try and act happy and sober...don't want to go.

Picked up not locked up although maybe that would be more appropriate!

elba keep talking on here if you like. And you did make me chuckle with your typo.

Pony has given me hiccups due to her irrational sense of direction, and zoomy speed. She scraped my good knee all down the side of the school in a paddy. Think I will give up on this riding malarkey. At least until my girl is back in work.

elba, go out for dinner. At the very least, that will soak up the alcohol. Are you going anywhere nice? Indian/Chinese/Italian? Or good old pub grub....? Can you tell I am hungry?

Ps if it makes anyone feel any better probably not I've just realised I have forgotten to buy noodles. That's my stir fry fucked

Having Italian lala. Good point about soaking up the alcohol...big bowl of pasta might help. IVe got to work tomorrow.

Riding does sound like a risky hobby! I'm hugely allergic to horses so never tried it. Plus I'm so bloody short they would probably have to find me a Shetland pony or similar.

Haha, well I am sure I could find you one. Rode a 12.2 today, she is totally mini, stirrups wouldn't go down far enough for me to ride comfortably. And I am not exactly a giant (5ft4 and a half - the half is very important).

Go, eat a giant bowl of pasta, what's on offer? When I was in Italy with the insane ex, I had the best pasta ever, it was limone (insert name of pasta type - the thin strands) with calamari and it was honestly divine. I have yet to find something to beat it. Mind you, a decent carbornara always hits the spot.

I am jealous of your Italian evening... Just stay away from the limoncello, it looks lovely, tastes lovely, but that shit is lethal....

Elba hope you've eaten and are feeling better now

A bit drier today in Scotland. Spent a lovely afternoon down at the beach.

Glad to hear it joey it's blowing a gale up here despite the sunshine. Off back to the shops to get noodles. Rock and roll on a Friday night.

elba are you enjoying your pasta??

Survived dinner, mainly thanks to a fab 12 year old who introduced me to snapchat. But now feeling guilty as I had a laugh with her, and my poor brother got no mention all night.

Had wine, and drinking wine now, and will in no way be sober for work. I'm a total mess, I can't cope with any of this sober or drunk. He took his own life, by the way, I don't know why I didn't make that clear from the start. In real life it makes people so so uncomfortable when I tell them, some poor bugger makes the mistake of asking how he died and I can see them squirm when I tell them. Then they dont know what to say, I change the subject or walk off, and that's the opportunity to talk about him gone.

I want him back so much, I had no idea he was struggling so much. I was the fucked up one, he was the strong one.

Don't know why I'm feeling this so acutely today...its nothing new. In full on self pity mode....

Just catching up. Elba sweet, your brother sounds wonderful and no wonder you miss him. It's ok to grieve and to want him back. I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now.
Lala both the dds ride - having friends with a yard helps - and have had some spectacular bumps and bruises. Dd2 used to play polocross. I actually couldn't watch.
I have a glorious day to myself, well mostly. Am off up the coast to look for sea glass.

Elba you can talk about your brother here as much as you like. I'm sorry that he took his own life, that is very hard for you to bear

We've been having a long run of lovely sunshine here in the south. I've tried to keep on top of healthy eating, etc. and it's not been easy as I'm on holiday and that's when I tend to gain weight. However, so far I've stayed the same which is fine by me and a first for I don't know how long.

They do say that it takes at least six weeks to change habits and I think some of mine are now starting to change. Moderating anything has always been my problem so now that I've cracked alcohol I'm working on better food choices.

There's always something isn't there

Big hi to everyone. Haven't posted for a while so am out of the loop but hope you're all ok.

elba how are you feeling this morning? Please try to stop being so hard on yourself. Again, I know it's easier said than done. You seem like such a lovely and intelligent person who is really struggling with some super crap times. Can't remember if you are still seeing your counsellor? Maybe see if you can take the day off work to try and get an emergency appointment with someone (not sure if that is how the system works?) sorry I can't be more helpful.

ma - polo cross? Bloody hell - what a brave girl!!! No wonder you couldn't watch, polo and lacrosse are relatively hardcore by themselves, but together?! I am impressed. Knee is aching a bit this morning, in fact both knees. Maybe I should invest in some knee pads?

I have been an idiot again, was supposed to be going to the dog show today, but obviously drank a bit last night, and felt crappy when I woke up, so made my excuses this makes me so sad, I keep missing out on things that I would enjoy because of my stupid self destruction. And Lala pup would have had a ball, so feeling guilty about her and letting my friend done. And now I am just wallowing in bed.

ma I hope you find some sea glass, if you do, we need more pictures.

Hello there!

I've just found my way here from a thread on AIBU, and have a question.....

Does anybody else find that they have just as much of an addiction to the sugar in alcohol, as the alcohol itself?

I've switched recently from drinking sweet cider to vodka/gin and slimline tonic and I'd say I drink about a quarter of the units before I get bored.

Sorry if this isn't the place for it. Just wondering if it's a thing, or if I'm deluding myself with the extent of my alcohol problem.

Hi Jack welcome to the bus.

One of the things we always recommend here when cutting back on alcohol is to have sweet treats handy to replace the sugar we've been used to getting through alcohol.

So yes, the sugar craving is a big part of it I would say. When I first started cutting back I noticed that if I got hungry my brain would kick in and deliver the image of a large glass of chilled wine.

I realised that my body instinctively knew that this was an excellent source for a quick sugar fix. So now I make sure that I eat and funnily enough I don't get that craving for wine.

However, it might be different for different people because I can also have just one glass of wine and then no more but I know that for others this would be impossible and it would trigger a need for more alcohol.

It's all about finding out what works for you.

Thank you everyone, it means a lot to not have to 'hide' his existence if that makes sense.

Phoned in sick to work actually very nearly didn't wake up to even phone in which would of been even worse. Keep randomly crying so even without the hangover it would of been a struggle (making excuses for myself there...) Predictably im very hungover, don't remember going to bed, same old story....

On a more positive note ive just skyped with my friends newborn twins (and their parents obviously) and am hopefully going to meet them on Tuesday. It's not great really that my friend, with three day old twins, looked much much fresher than I do right now

Hope your all having a good weekend anyway, and thanks again for the support. Sorry not to name check, don't want to miss anyone out in my hungover state! ️Xxx

Hi - just looking in, nothing to report, still immobile, but wanted to send a great big hug to Elba. Your brother sounds wonderful, of course you are grieving. Take time to acknowledge your sadness and remember him, and cut yourself some slack. A day off work sounds sensible. Get back to bed, look after yourself, eat some treats xxx

Not been drinking much here as can't get out to buy any booze though did have a few drinks the other day after row with WB and went round to see a friend and had a mini meltdown . Finding it hard to focus, especially as it is summer holidays and kids around on and off. Cried the other day when my son didn't want me to go to his NCS presentation after I'd cancelled the fracture clinic to go to it. I realise this is utterly pathetic, and had I been fit and / or working it might have hurt me less, but am feeling generally unwanted and unloved right now. Lost my fab job, kids don't need me anymore (they are either sleeping, out or online) and WB only needs me as financial facilitator. Not seeing friends as they are all away or working and can't drive anyway. It all feels a bit 'end of days'. I had so many plans when I was on holiday - going to get up early and go to the gym, meet people in town, work from an internet cafe or the library for a couple of hours and then come home and catch up on jobs, cook a healthy meal, drive kids around. Not convinced all of that would have happened (my ambition sometimes exceeds my ability to be arsed) but I've not been able to do any of it and consequently am lower than ever and waking with the 4am fear every morning. Got to go out tonight to a thing with WB (very rare) and dreading it.

Hope you are all planning something nice for yourselves this weekend. Ma beach sounds lovely (wistful). Hope you find some nice seaglass.

Going to try to get some progress with my accounts now (I am SO bad at that). And watch a bit of Super Saturday in Rio. Take care all x

Hope being incapacitated would depress anyone. It's so frustrating but doubly so if you don't have company or anyone willing to try and make life a little easier for you.

So here is what I recommend. Take this time of forced relaxation to do the things that you can do but, most importantly, you want to do.

Get that stack of books that you've always been wanting to read and get stuck in. Keep a stock of biscuits, fruit, coffee on the table next to you and indulge yourself.

Catch up on trashy tv and/or investigative documentaries. Lay claim to remote, put your feet up and blast through that boxset

Walk when the sun is out. Take your time. Sit on a bench and watch the world go by. Practice mindfulness in place of exercise. A healthy mind is just as important as a healthy body.

Don't cancel any of your appointments, put yourself first. Ask friends to visit, even if just for half an hour catch up chat and ask them to bring cake. And sod the accounts. (Ok, do them if you feel like it but only after you've treated yourself first - and that's an order from Sergeant Nuff ).

Hope I second faires advice. Can you in some small way treat this as a time to look after and pamper yourself in some way? Easier said than done I'm sure. Anyway, I've taken your advice and have gone back to bed. With ice cream. I've just discovered Ben and Jerrys chocolate cookie dough...

Have drunk a scary amount the last couple of days , so still going round and round in circles. Going to try and have a few days AF. Have a busy few days ahead anyway so not much time to drink. Debating taking tomorrow off too but not sure I can justify it, plus it might just give me more temptation to drink tonight. Got proper feelings of dread at the thought of work though, I just want to hide away.

I'm wearing one of my brothers t shirts...I look ridiculous, it's practically down to my knees

Hi hope, I think faire and elba's advice is spot on. And as you said, there are some positives to the situation in that you aren't drinking so much, it may be a temporary measure but at least it means moderation, which can only be a good thing, right? Use the time as well to plan for things like the gym etc as you said before, maybe write yourself a weekly plan or routine that you can get stuck into for when you are better eg. Gym Monday, Wednesday and Friday, library Tuesday and Saturday... You know what I mean! Oh and your kids will always need you. Not sure how old they are, but if early teens or even young adults, they are just learning to develop their independence so will inevitably start to step away, as far as my limited experience (myself!) can tell, but they will always be your kids.

elba - good girl. Although you have managed to last this long without discovering the heavenly chocolate cookie dough I do not know!

faire, could you send some sunshine my way please? It is overcast and windy in between sunny spells. Not satisfied with this August weather at all. And you are right, there is always something else to crack, but by tackling things but by bit, eventually it will work itself out? Now if only I could be as strong as you and sort my own life out.

Really tempted to have a glass of wine, so off to take pup out to cheer her up and stay away from the bloody bottle, wish me luck.

Saw this and thought of you lot.

Great advice from faire as usual

Literally can't stop crying now. Everything is such a complete mess, my family situation would shock Jeremy Kyle, I'm not in control at all, I'm clinging on so that I can work but not even coping with that very well. I really, really miss my brother. Should be able to remember him with family, not sat here on my own crying. It's all completely shit. I just want someone to look after me, literally I'm like a fucking baby. So extremely sad today, hangover obviously not helping. I can keep it together a few days at a time, then I just self destruct again. I want someone to just take over everything so I don't have to try and function anymore. I want a drink but I'm too anxious (and look too much of a state) to go out and buy it, which I guess is a good thing. But I'm not meant to drink today and tomorrow anyway, that was my goal.

Sorry, complete self pitying rant there. Just wanted to get it down. I'm so bloody lonely today.