Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

Sorry that last post was written before and I didn't hit post.

I just spent a shitload of money on half an hour of not much but I did learn one thing that potentially will be worth it.
"Scottish courts like school bags to live in one place"

She looked at my proposed terms time schedule and asked what he thought was wrong with it.
Suggested a couple of tweaks that I'd already decided I'd concede if asked by LCB.
She made a face at his page of statistics.

What was it conkers?

These things are so painful. My deepest sympathies.

I was guided by the following principles, however destroyed I felt:

1. My children deserve a loving relationship with both their parents (providing its safe).
2. I will do whatever is right and fair so that when they grow up they will see that and never be able to say I used contact as a tool to hurt their father. Because that would mean I chose to hurt them and their relationship with him.
3. I will always, always behave better than him. The moral high ground should not be given away - least of all to him.
4. I refuse to live my life governed by bitterness.

In time you will appreciate the time you have when they are away to live your own life, have freedom and adventures. I know thats hard to imagine.

mummy
I like to think I'm almost there with all of those.
The hardest part for me is the insecurity. Financially I am dependent on him until I return to work, and now he is threatening to remove that support.
Tonight he's started renegotiating a previously agreed financial arrangement.
I like the one regarding doing what's right and fair.
I refuse to let the DC see what he's doing to me now. But in time they will see that I've acted as fairly as I can given the circumstances.

It was to ask if your potential to earn in future (which is less than his as it stands) affects financial settlement? I've in my case h earns 4x what I do with potential to earn more. So that was taken into account when looking at finances.
Good list that-definitely something (for me) to aspire to.
What next with the lawyer then onit? Did you feel she would fight for you? Or will you shop round some more?

Isn't he just making all of this hard work?
I could give him a right kicking!

I'd feel like saying " come back sonny, when you can start behaving like the just and fair man you used to be and then maybe we can work out something that is fair and decent for your children".

You have amazing patience.

"You have amazing patience" - yes, this by the bucket load. I wonder if you realise just how patient and accommodating you have been towards him Onit? Obviously he doesn't.

Had an overall better day yesterday.

Had gone to bed in Tuesday night expecting to pick up the argument on Wednesday morning. And we did. Culminating in a phone call which lasted ages and was basically me getting upset/angry and him trying to stay calm/wind me up by appearing reasonable
Apparently all I do is ask him for more money and do I have any idea how having a new (rented) house is causing him to haemorrhage money
My constant reminding him of this being his choice is not helpful apparently.

It turned out to be a massive waste of time too as nothing about our agreement changed. And I went ahead and asked my lawyer to draw up the document we agreed almost a month ago.
It did, however, cause me massive stress and uncertainty which resulted in very little sleep, a very unproductive evening of holiday packing and, most annoyingly, loss of control of my emotions in his presence. I hate that I let my guard down and have very little patience with myself.
I'm under a very tight timescale as moving day is only a month away

He had DC while all this was going on so perhaps that's why I could let rip and he couldn't.
When he brought them home later I let them in the house and stood outside with him and called a truce.
I can't stand the constant fighting for every little thing.
He was quite emotional because he won't see the DC for over a week and I just wanted him to give me a break from the fighting.
We left things a little better as I was able to (hopefully) reassure him (again) that I don't want to restrict access and have only the DC as my priority (as opposed to myself)

We're heading away today and I can't wait to spend some extended time with adults who like each other and me. And for my DC to have a good holiday. It might be the last time we can afford to go away like this with our friends and that is so sad. The DC think holidays are with this family as its all they've ever known. We've had the odd trip just ourselves but...

Anyway, I hope to have a break from this for at least some of the time I'm away. But I'll keep you posted

Have a great break onit-just what you need at the moment I think xx

Enjoy your break.

I hope you can relax and recharge onit.
Enjoy your holiday

Hope you have a great holiday!

Going home tomorrow.
DC have had a ball and are very sad our holiday is almost over (10 hour drive back to Scotland tomorrow )
I've enjoyed most of it apart from LCB contacting me daily to try to speak to DC.
I had an ema today from my lawyer saying that time's too tight to get the full financial agreement in place before our moving day so an interim agreement needs to be drawn; at extra cost.
I let LCB know and he said he doesn't want to argue about money but he shouldn't have to pay because "it's not my fault" we need 2 agreements.

I am furious as I want to scream at him that WHOS FUCKING FAULT IS IT THEN???!!
WE WOULDNT NEED ANY AGREEMENTS IF HE HADNT DECIDED TO FUCKING WALTZ OFF INTO THE SUNSET WITHOUT A BACKWARDS GLANCE!!!!

Is he fucking for real?
I seriously think he needs some proper help.
I shouldn't have to pay for any of this. I haven't chosen any of this.
I honestly think he's trying to infuriate me deliberately to get a reaction he can use against me. Why else would he say stuff like this?
I'm ranting here so I don't bite.
I want to kick him into next week and let all the air out of his tyres

Dick!

Oh and when will I be home tomorrow so he can see the DC? Will I stop at friends or definitely be home?

Em, let me consult my crystal ball....
Oh I have no fucking clue, but you winding me up before I need to sleep before said 10 hour drive isn't likely to make it any easier to cope with.

He has turned out to be a first class dick head and a snivelling little brat as well. if he had have kept his dick in his pants he wouldnt have to pay for anything!

Glad you enjoyed your holiday, and hope the journey back goes smoothly.

I'm ranting here so I don't bite - under the circumstances, and given his ridiculous assertion that it's not his fault, I think you would be entirely justified in biting.

I wonder if you should get another mobile number and not give it to him? Just keep your current one for his calls only, then you can switch it off whenever you want to. It is totally unacceptable that he is bothering and upsetting you on your holidays.

Ooooh, second mobile is a brilliant idea.

You're a strong woman Onit! Don't let him bully you into not paying for interim contract. It's as much his responsibility.

All the ball is in your court. Or you pull out of sale and he pays for mortgage and ur expenses for the next 2 years.

Tell him to grow some fucking balls and assume his responsibilities. He caused all of this so he needs to pay. End of.

I didn't bite other than to say it wasn't my fault either and that we wouldn't need to have any agreements drawn up by lawyers if I'd had any say.

He caved obviously but why start a text saying I'm loathe to start a row, when that's exactly what you're doing and you know you're not going to win the argument. The only reason is to infuriate and goad me into a fight.
I have learned my lesson since the threat. He gets one sentence answers. He can't dissect them with his "coach" and I'm sure he finds them more infuriating as he's so used to me over communicating

Journey was 11 hours but DC were amazingly well behaved considering I limited them to 2 movies and a few 20 minute blasts of tablet use.

Just off to bed now. Been waiting for first wash finishing.
Got shitloads to do now. Moving day is 3 weeks yesterday!!!!

I'm due an upgrade on my phone contract next month so it'd be perfect timing to cut the bugger off but, unfortunately, if I don't answer him he emails, or sends the same message via Facebook. I can't escape the bastard

Hi Onit, I'm not much good for offering you advice in other ways, but I wanted you to know how amazingly strong and inspirational you are!
WRT Facebook messenger you can set your notifications for each individual. When you click on their last message their name will pop up in the top centre of your screen, if you click on that you can alter your notification settings - e.g. No more until I turn it back on. You can do the same to your emails overnight.
I know it's a pain, but each evening at say 7pm, you could change all your settings that you no longer receive notifications from him? Then switch them back on when you're ready?
Might help

tattoo I might do that once we've moved house. He'll only have them 2 afternoons and EOW so I'll be able to turn him off on the other nights.

Block him on FB and send his emails to your junk box, then you can control when you see them as you have to go looking for them rather than it being visible in your main inbox