Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

Powertwunt

A power point presentation- really?

Wow.

What a wanker.

He really is bold and self righteous isn't he?

The PowerPoint is golden for you onit, it really is reflective of who he is right now and could prove to be very useful to you long term. I would sit in that quietly for now.

You don't mention the ow really onit? Is she part of this? Is she coaching him?
The question is- does he really believe he's right because someone told him or does he just want you to believe he's right so he can frighten you?

Don't let him frighten you. It is all bullshit and bluster from him. If he has 50/50 then it reduces his maintenance, my guess is that this is what's driving him. It's not his dc, if he gave a flying fuck he wouldn't have done what he did would he? He might love his dc but they don't come first to him.
Sad. But it's a fact.

Do not sign anything.
Don't let him frighten you.

Keep going, you're almost there.

I think I'd be replying to that text by saying if I get any more threatening texts of that ilk I'll just forward them to your parents and see if they can talk any sense into someone who not only has destroyed the family unit but is trying to dance on the broken pieces and seems to have no remorse for the lives he's shattered.

Sometimes desperate times need desperate solutions.

It might not be Pc but it might just help him wind his neck in.

Don't reply. You've said you won't, so don't. Just get yourself legal advice. This proves that you really need it.

I think I would forward that email to his parents actually, telling them that you are upset and worried for the future of you and your children, given how much he's changed and his threats.

He is a knob jockey.

Hi Onit, well done for being a strong woman - you sound like you are doing well.

Its sad that the contact arrangements still are proving an issue, it seems like you and your ex have got into the all too familiar power struggle over this. Both of you will rightly so believe what you have proposed is best for your kids (and subsequently yourselves) but a judge / court will be much more impartial.

The court process isn't nice. I don't know how it works in Scotland but in England the courts don't look too favourably on warring ex's who refuse mediation like your ex is. However, as PP have said, the starting point for contact / residency is 50/50 (although 60/40 is usually more likely). Its likely that your ex wold get some mid-week overnights i'm afraid, but from my experience they would take into consideration your concerns and maybe enforce that the mid-weeks don't start until after your sons first term, or that they are phased in some other way.

What are his reasons for not wanting to go to mediation? Sounds harsh to threaten financial support when he is refusing to sort things our through mediation? I'm not sure what financial support he is offering you Onit, but all he is legally expected to pay you is CM, so he is well within his rights to use money as a weapon - if not completely stupid!

It sounds like he is scared - maybe someone (possibly a solictor) is using some scare tactics on him (I have seen this happen, after all, an amicable divorce costs way less than a messy one)!!

Maybe he thinks mediation is a waste as you are both unlikly to be flexible? When my dh was divorcing his exw, things turned really nasty - mainly power struggles that got out of hand on both parts. He spent 2.5k on mediation with her and she still wouldn't budge on her contact terms. In the end he had to take her to court to get an order, costing him another 1.6k

Milicentking is right - 50/50 is starting point, regardless of the circumstances of the relationship breaking down.

Your husband has been a prize twat onit - no doubts there. You are doing amazingly! Just don't want you to make the mistake we did. Because my partner's ex was so horrendous (He had to get the police involved at one point, and she tried to limit his access to once a month) he had to get the courts involved for access. Courts were happy to award 50/50. In the end they settled on 60/40, simply for ease of school run. More in holidays.

He and many others had serious concerns regarding her parenting (don't want to say too much for fear of outing) - to the extent that the solicitor said he was duty bound to report it. However, despite this, the courts brushed it aside - they are overstretched and underfunded - so he has continued with 60/40.

Sorry - a long winded way of saying - please don't throw away thousands and thousands of badly needed pounds on a long court battle. Unless he is proven abusive towards the children then 50/50 is the starting point. I just wish someone had told my OH that!!

Good luck onit

He's backtracked on mediation and is now trying to make it sound like it was his idea all along
But I still have an appointment tomorrow.
He thinks we've got back on track. I have a month till we move house.

Yes you still need the appointment to be told what is reasonable to argue for (and what you are likely to get) during the mediation.
No surprises he wants to appear to be the reasonable one and that he thought of the mediation. He probably doesn't like himself that much, deep down and has to make himself seem nicer than he is.Ignore ignore ignore. Best of luck with the solicitor tomorrow-take lots of notes!

I could probably live with 60/40 though would be happier with 70/30.
My argument will be for 70/30 during term time as during holidays he's the one with the better flexibility and can provide more then.
But I'm sitting here looking at my beautiful DC and wondering why, after all that he's done, he still gets what he wants and I lose even more
I've been devastated beyond measure and he gets to stick the knife in.
I've no doubt he wants as much access as he can but it feels like he's punishing me further for 'making' him have an affair.

I have a list of questions for the lawyer.
I'd appreciate some input or additional ideas. Worried I'll miss something.

What's the minimum agreement required to complete the sale and purchase of property? (Legally binding document to be drawn up.
Agreement to sell marital home. Transfer of equity to me initially, offset against my entitlement to his pension)

Whats the best I can expect wrt custody?
How can I get there?
My pt work vs his ft.
If I work term time will that affect likely outcome based on my ability to
Can/should I use the messages which show his questionable parenting? How would that play out?

What's the best financial settlement I can expect for the DC once I'm back at work? (Have agreed amount in principle, but want to know if it's fair. Especially since he has threatened to withdraw support if his custody demands are not met)

Can you do the calculator on entitled to see what you would get if he was forced to pay maintenance, that will give you a starting point.

Did he follow through with leaving the kids sleeping & do you have proof. Otherwise I think they will not be taken into account. It's like people say I'm going to kill you but they don't actually mean it. It sounds like he was wishing he was with her as awful as that sounds.

I'm no way on his "side" but no matter what he has done to you, he is their father, he has as much right to a relationship as you, his personal choices suck but the children should come first. I don't think 50/50 is unreasonable if yours mainly term time and his holiday time.

I can only see this from the other side as its me that's leaving as I'm so unhappy, I don't feel that this choice should affect how often I see my children.

I know from all the posts my view will be unpopular but I'm picking up a feeling he should be punished as a father because he was a shit husband.

I don't want to punish him as a father. But I don't think I deserve to be punished either. He chose to leave. Not just me but our DC too. He has, and continues to, put her first. He complains of financial difficulties that mean he can't buy them clothes or help with costs with selling the family home but has it to spend on her birthday and a holiday for them both while I take the DC away on what should have been a family holiday. He had agreed to pay for that when we first split but is backtracking now and I'm sure I'll end up footing the bill for it when I had originally tried to shelve it.
I wasn't given a choice. He told the DC it was still happening before we'd talked properly about it.

Im not giving my husband a choice either but don't feel I should be punished as a mother. It's so hard to divide the two things but all that should matter is the kids time with each parent, not his shitty choices.

I would maybe ask about how hot ot email to earn in future (less than his potential to) affects any settlement made? Not sure if this is taken in to account in Scotland.
You are right onit-it's massively unfair that through his choices you are losing out on time with your kids as well as everything else. That's one of the hardest things to come to terms with in all of this. All you can do is make sure the time the kids have with you is the best it can be and the time you now will have on your own (even if it's not what you would have chosen) is used for something good. Sorry if that sounds trite. I know how hard it is :(
Best of luck for today ducky...you are nearly there now in terms of house and finances...you are (still) doing amazingly well.

Have you booked the solicitor yet ? Have you his "offers" in writing ? Take them with you and let them have copies

Sorry conkers I can't decipher your first bit

It is trite. And very hard to ever imagine coming to terms with.
My career break was supposed to help make up for my loss of time with the DC when I've been so ill.
He didn't even give me that.
It's been spent in absolute turmoil and horror at what my life and my dcs life has become and knowing that for the rest of my life, some of my free time will be spent without my DC because their cheating asshole father has them.

It pisses me off that his actions have consequences that adversely affect me and my DC. I wouldn't be human if it didn't.
I can vent and rant on here and with my friends irl. It doesn't mean I expect what I fantasise happening, to actually happen but it doesn't make it any less difficult.

Your situation is different hotwater. You are leaving but not having had an affair. You are a decent human being. You obviously still care about your ex and want to be fair.

If my h had been anything like the man I thought he was, and spoken to me months ago when he realised he was falling for ow, we could have parted amicably, or had a chance to work on our marriage. I would've still considered him a good father and a decent human being.
I loved him. And believed he put our DC first. I don't believe that now. I have no idea who this stranger is or whether he's capable of protecting my DC when they're in his care.
I am frightened of him. He has proved he will use every weapon he has to take my DC or leave me financially destitute. He has threatened me. He has said he would leave our daughter alone to be with his ow. He said he seed more about her than his own ds while his ds was hospitalised.
That is not someone I want anywhere near my DC. But they love him and want to see him soy hats that. Doesn't mean I have to like it. Or fight against it.

onit, he is assuming you will go back to work, part time/full time. Which I hope you can.
But in reality maybe your health may not allow it at some time in the future.
(Not trying to be frightening.)

I have copies of the current draft of separation agreement.
And copies of all correspondence including the more illicit ones from her DH.

Onit I know you're hurting, and rightly so! As I said before, he's been an utter twat. I think what hotwaterbottle1 means though is him being a bastard will have absolutely zero impact on the courts decision to award 50/50.

Everything you've said about him is correct - everyone agrees - but please don't put all your resources into trying to make the courts see how bad his behaviour towards you has been, hoping it'll make them award you the lion's share, because it won't work - I speak from bitter, bitter experience. My OH lost thousands this way.

I guess it's morals versus legality.

Take care onit. The anger is good, it'll get you through.

Ps - as I think I mention effort, OH had evidence of some quite serious potential neglect - went into court armed with portfolio of evidence / texts / emails -

They wouldn't even look at it. And it made no difference at all to the outcome unfortunately!

Sorry, that should say "mentioned before"

I'm honestly not condoning his behaviour, just probably projecting my worst fears of being viewed the "baddy" and losing out regarding kids for being unhappy. I can see though how you feel about him. Stay strong x

Sorry! Bloody phone!
I guess you have gone now anyway-hope it went ok...

The man he used to be would've agreed categorically that a father who leaves should agree to the demands of the mother as a matter of principle.
He is no longer a principled man and it's actually that more than anything else that is the hardest part to come to terms with.