Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

onit, that was a perfect explanation, well done, They will be back with a barage of questions, & DS may have had a sad day at school.
as for LCB...... I think I would mention something like "the Dcs were asking questions about their lives now, & I felt obliged to gently tell them the age appropriate facts."
He will subsequently demand to know what you said, & if you mentioned the harlot, etc. You just say,
I told the age appropriate truth, & am not required to lie for you. I reassured them that you love them." If he goes off on a raging strop, tell him to"FTFO.
He fucked over his wife & his children, Not you."

I'm inclined to tell him mainly because of the "fuck you pal, I owe you nothing" feeling I have when I think about NOT telling him.

My counsellor says I need to be the adult because if I'm not he will become either critical or childish. If I'm an adult it makes him appear ridiculous if he reacts in any other way.

So I'll tell him before he sees the kids on Thursday.
I'll also tell him it doesn't mean he can introduce her. If that is brought up I'll tell him I know about the messages. And I'll make them known to his friends and family and anyone else who'll listen. And I'm aware that's essentially blackmailing him but I will not have that woman anywhere near my children. It's bad enough I have to let him near them.

I had ds at a hospital appointment. Nothing sinister, just a follow up from his admittance in June (the weekend of the infamous messages)
And a chance to discuss ds's ongoing nighttime continence issues.
I text LCB when we came out to say we'd just got out and I'd call to discuss later as I didn't want to write a massive email and, of course, the asshat sent a panicked reply about being genuinely worried (can you be ungenuinely worried ) . Who's appointment? Can you call now? I'll keep my phone on at squash later and I'll be able to talk as long as I'm not on court Yada yada.
Obviously he forgot. The appointment came through while he was still at home and I remember talking to him about it because it's 2 days before ds's birthday, so I had no reason to believe he didn't know.
But, I admit to feeling more than a little pleased that he had a panic. Not that I doubt for a second he didn't wish me ill when he thought it was my appointment and there might be something wrong with me.

Do I tell him on the phone tonight or do I send an email/text similar to what mix or nigel have said?

I'm actually scared about talking to him at all.
I may chicken out and just email him about ds and what I've told them this morning.
It feels like I'm inviting him in to my sanctuary even speaking to him on the phone.

"I'll also tell him it doesn't mean he can introduce her."

I know just how you feel but sadly you cannot dictate that

He will call you or text when he isn't playing squash. Bastard to find out about the hospital aptmt, at the end you just add the shortest phrase re disclosure.
Also, you can say DD already knew LCB didn't love Mummy anymore. They know there is a new female, this made DS cry.
I would say if he intoduces Harlot, he is very likely to regret it the children have said they don't want another Mummy.

If you don't want to speak to him on the phone, then don't. Entirely your choice. An email is just as good a way of sharing the information about the hospital visit and also telling him that the DC know about the OW.

I think you did a fantastic job in telling them. It was age appropriate and honest.
Well done.

I would send the one Mix suggested.

The one from Nigel whilst understandable is too involved.

Delurk to say email. More business like, less stressful for you and an excellent way of sharing information. It also means that you do not have to deal with his reaction, and you move further out of his control. He can email any questions he has, and you can respond in a way you control.

If he wants to talk , and you are prepared to, arrange a time to suit you (not him), and consider having someone with you. But really you don't need to speak to him at all.

Definitely email. You don't need to speak to him.
Good of him to leave his phone on when he's playing squash . Pop that on his application for dad of the year.

Perfect.
I think you set the tone just right.
I'd be inclined to keep it short and sharp...you don't owe him anything bonnet.

I'd wait till you are sorting out the detail of his next contact visit by txt and just add ...oh and btw the children now know about your new friend.

Don't speak on the phone.
There's no need

Give yourself a big pat on the back lady

From now on you call the shots

;-)
;-)
;-)

Ok, I'll take it under advisement and just email him. Not sure why I offered a call other than I cba writing a long detailed explanation and a call would take less of my time.
But, I don't want drawn into his fake emotional manipulation.

I've emailed about ds but will let him know about telling the DC about ow on Thursday sometime before he picks them up from school.

I also have the Christmas email to reply to.
I swear we spent less time communicating when we were together than I seem to have to do now

How long till the DC are old enough to organise things with the asshat without my involvement?

And, yeah; loving his offer to leave his phone on at squash. How privileged are we?

He can't complain about you telling the DC. All you have to say is DS was concerned about you and getting upset about you being lonely etc so it was natural for you to put your DS's mind at rest that daddy has a new "friend". You did it so your DS and DD aren't worrying about their father, which they shouldn't be at that age - and which he hasn't helped with sobbing in front of them! It's done. He can suck it up. He doesn't get to dictate your parenting of the kids.

Xmas email sent too.
Just this mornings conversation to inform him of.

Well at least it's sent...try not to to be too anxious awaiting his response. I know it's hard. I hate that mine still has that level of control over me that I'm still nervous of how he will react to things-but I'm getting towards the point where that is reducing.

well done onit.
If he doesn't like it, actually its too late to change... There's no rewind button !
say , "I am not required to lie for you" & repeat.
re Christmas, he will probably want revenge.... "No" is all that is required.
watch out, he may start on the kids, "Won't we have a lovely time at Granny & Grandpas on Xmas day, you do want that don't you ?" nip this in the bud by telling your DCs now, what you have decided, & do not budge.

Nigel my husbands last ditch attempt at control is not having any contact with me at all to the extent if I need to contact him, and I very rarely do, I have to :-

Write a letter.

Place it in a clear plastic folder

Take the folder to his business partners
house - he also our best man. His friend is then supposed to check what's in the letter through the folder just in case I say anything that isn't relevant to the reason for writing.

So if for instance I were to say - it was our severely disabled sons Birthday a few days ago. He was 25. Youve seen him 5 times in 3 years. I still can't believe you are now this person and for your own sake perhaps you should have a think about this - it would mean the letter being returned to me. So suffice to say I just keep quiet - to him. But I no longer keep quiet in the wider world.

And why do I go along with this? Well, it's like I told him - I'll do it because I'm doing it from a position of strength - I know you better than you know yourself and for you to have to go to these lengths with me says all there is to say about you and your reality.

Even not seeing our son. That's also my punishment but I'll admit to him being my Achilles tendon and it does bother me. But in a perverse way its actually good that I don't write things in the letters because it just means I never have anything to regret.

So here's to my husbands last ditch efforts at controlling me cos I just read my post back and it made me laugh seeing things in print.

Detchment at its finest, well done dearme

Ohdearme....blimey. Your ex is a bit out there isn't he? Regard it as lucky escape my friend...not to be flippant but....just... Blimey!

Why do they feel like they own the right to hostility?
ohdear I read that with an extremely incredulous face on and even more so that he involves a good friend in his insanity and more again, that his friend doesn't call him out for being a loon

I see all of this and more in my future though, I'm sad to say.

He's replied to my Xmas email with this...

"I don't know how you think you are going to explain to the kids why they are not going to see their dad on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day but I'd repeat that this is not in their best interests.
(*I haven't denied him access on Christmas Eve. He has either misunderstood or is picking a fight. I will apologise in my reply if he misunderstood and assume his hostility is based on this misunderstanding.)

This is not about you or me but making sure our kids feel happy and loved by both of us at Christmas.

For these reasons I expect to see them on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

As I'm not going to see them on Christmas morning the giving of presents is going to be different too. Santa will visit either Grans house or my house as well as yours and everything I buy will be opened when I'm with the kids."

He's such an amazing man. Always putting his dcs before himself

I find it incredibly sad that he seems to think he can only show love to his DC in their presence. And that I need luck explaining anything to them. I'll remember to cry like a baby next time I'm delivering bad news to them so they forget to feel sad for themselves and feel sorry for me instead.
God, he makes me want to punch the wall

Your reply:

I'll remember to cry like a baby next time I'm delivering bad news to them so they forget to feel sad for themselves and feel sorry for me instead

Do not apologise. If he has misunderstood, he should read again. This situation is of his making.
The kids will sleep at your house 24th & spend the day with you. He can make his own plans around that. Tosser

also, "next year as you very well know I will be working at this period, consider it your turn then."

"Santa will visit either Grans house or my house as well as yours and everything I buy will be opened when I'm with the kids." Well No Shit Sherlock.

What does he expect. He no longer lives with his children, so HE going to have to buy presents for HIS children at HIS house anyway.

Next he be demanding asking you what to buy them.