Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

Bloody hell Onit, you really do have a handle on him. He lost control of you. Yes, that's it exactly and the fact you are found so well shows just how much you were ready for this even though you didn't realize it.

Are you right to be worried about damage to your children's mental health because of what their father is? Yes. Absolutely. And it's great you've realised that. I'm still trying to see two of my adult children through emotional damage done to them over the years. I had absolutely no idea at the time just how it was permeating the whole house like carbon monoxide poisoning. It was there. We just didn't know it.

Oh and just to say that if your thoughts on your husband are correct - it's absolutely spot on that they do not move from one relationship till they have another one to go to. You're right. The OW will have been getting groomed for a while. These men are cowards. And the less the man thinks of himself the needier the woman he picks on as his next victim will be.

I am also coming to the conclusion that I need to visit the GUM clinic.
I believed him when he said he hadn't slept with ow before telling me about the affair. But I am less certain that he hasn't slept with anyone else during our marriage.

Fair enough, onit. I could have asked my DC and they wouldn't have felt pressured by that, but all kids different. It was the kind of thing they'd have had an opinion on and it made them feel more in control and more balanced by being consulted rather than decisions being made over their heads all the time. I think it made them feel less shunted back and forth like a parcel. But then they didn't have an arse of a dad that would cry in front of them (many other faults but he knew enough not to do that)! No wonder your poor sensitive DS feels sorry for him. That's creating problems for your child. He really must not do that. I hope he's stopped that nonsense.

Thanks for the tip on the kitchens. I'll check Howden's too.

Once they know about ow I absolutely will ask them what they want. It's the manipulation of ds esp that I want to put an end too. While they're still unaware of her, daddy is sad and lonely in his house all by himself. And that will always make ds feel sorry for him.

TO not too

ohdear my counsellor suggested I subconsciously knew he was preparing to leave and that's why I started looking after myself and getting those ducks in a row. I was also preparing but by showing myself I was capable of doing things alone and prioritising my health to make it easier.

Horrible, self-centred arse. You just don't do stuff like that. Pure manipulation.

Howdens is good...lol!

I don't believe in shielding dc too much.
They are so astute and they take what they want from situations.

I'd be inclined to tell them now. I wouldn't wait. There's no point.
Get it out. Play it down they'll have well processed it by Christmas.

You are doing one fantastic job.
I had to go to the gum clinic too...bloody embarrassing but thankfully all was well.
That's when I found out he'd been with prostitutes.

FWIW I think telling the DC about the ow is the right thing to do. And probably before Xmas too, since he might play on the sad, lonely daddy thing to try to get them to want to spend more time with him.

As for how much you tell the DC about ow timings etc, I think just answer their questions honestly as they arise. If they want to know that then tell them the truth. If it doesn't come up then don't.

My counsellor has just had to cancel my appointment.
I guess I'll just have to work it out for myself/with you guys/my friends.

I would reassure DS, "Don't worry Daddy chose to leave, he is not lonely, he has a new friend". Then answer eventual questions.
Why would you spare LCB this ? because he doesn't want the kids to know he is the bad guy ? He IS the bad guy he has royally shafted you, & I think he should face the reality.
If he introduces OW when it suits him, forr his own benefit the kids will think it's OK as your marriage is over & she is out of the picture.
I understand you taking the hight road, but it will not necessarily be true or fair, & you don't want to have to persuade the DC of the truth.

You're right mix. It was always his decision not to tell which generally means it's in his interests and not anyone else's.
I will figure out a way to have the conversation or at least give them the information.
They should know what's happened and what's happening. I guess I've just been trying to protect them from the awfulness of what happened when actually all that's potentially doing is confusing them and delaying their process. I see that now.
I can't protect them with lies and omissions. I'm plagiarising and paraphrasing but the truth shall set them free. It may be that ds is still confused because things don't add up. He's shown himself to be a sensitive soul and perhaps he's struggled with missing daddy because it doesn't make sense to him.
I'll sort myself out this week and, once his birthdays out of the way I'll tell them just the basic facts and what the plan is for Xmas.

Onit, you must do as it feels right. I admire you so much for your fairness & even when he is fucking you over, trying to be fair, & see his POV (like with the car sale).
They are your kids. who am I to influence you ?
You have literally blown me away with your resolve to always protect them from any pain. (I do believe that LCB knows this, & uses it to his advantage).
Of course you know it will make waves with LCB, but slowly you have shed the scales from your eyes, & can see him for the manipulative bastard that he is.
Decide what is best for You .This may take some courage, as you are still frightened of him. but IMHO it will help DCs

Just spent hours reading the whole post. You've come so far in such a short time. Stay strong you're amazing

As that well known philosopher, Justin Timberlake, once said, "what goes around comes around".

I really believe it does. He will get his just desserts one day. It may take time, but he will.

I think it would been to tell them matter of factly, the next time they express concern about 'sad lonely dad' that he has a new friend and is fine.
None of that is untrue and nor does it influence them in any way as that's what he will accuse you of trying to do.
If you tell them that then you aren't lying to them, and additionally you neutralise his ability to manipulate the children into feeling sorry for him.
As for speaking to the ow-sod her and what happens to her.she has made her choices-she doesn't deserve your concern.And she probably wouldn't listen anyway...

Sadly you don't know the ground he is preparing for them. He may be placing you as the one that drove him away ? he is very capable of this.
They may even half believe that there is some tiny glimmer of hope of reconcilliation. & that would be cruel.

I told them this morning. Not planned so I was a bit surprised when I said it myself. But it was a natural conversation and, since I'd decided to tell them, I couldn't not tell them, iyswim. I can't remember the exact conversation so this isn't necessarily the order of what was said but you'll get the jist.
We were brushing teeth when Ds said something about being sad and angry about daddy not being with us anymore. I just said it was ok to feel that way and he could talk anytime. Perhaps he should talk to daddy about it too.
I said daddy loved both of them very much and Dd said he just doesn't love mummy anymore. She's so matter of fact. Then she asked why, and I said these things happen sometimes. Then I said daddy has a new friend. Ds (such an innocent wee soul) asked what his name was and I said it wasn't a man it was a woman. Then he gave me a big cuddle and started to cry a wee bit. I asked what he was sad about and he said he didn't want 2 mummies. I just said you won't ever have 2 mummies. I'm your mummy. No one else can be your mummy. Ds asked if I still loved daddy and I said I did when daddy left but that I felt differently now. That I was happy with my team (we have a team name) and our new house. I talked about how there were lots of other people at school and probably in their class who only lived with their mums and saw their dads at the weekend. I mentioned a couple of people in dd's class that I know of. One of whom has a big brother with a different dad. They talked about daddy's work being a reason he doesn't see them as much. And I said that he played squash too and was out with his friends. (Feeling odd about that as it feels like I'm manipulating them now but it is the truth)
Dd mentioned at some point about daddy crying on her birthday (this is obviously how she remembers when we told them 😢) I think I said he shouldn't have done that (again not great 😳), but, although it was his choice to leave, he was still sad about it.
I'm not sure what else I said. I remember saying daddy doesn't love me but I think he might love his new friend.
Have a traumatised my DC? Do I tell LCB that I've told them?
Help!!!

Hi, onit, I hope you don't mind me responding. I'm a lurker, and well wishers but I don't think I've posted on your threads before.

I think you've done brilliantly with that conversation.

Yes, I would tell him - it's seems only fair, as they may want to talk to him about it (and just because he's an arsehole doesn't mean you have to sink to his level).

But it sounds like you've told them all the age appropriate facts in a nonjudgmental way, and they can work out how they feel about those facts by themselves, over time.

Have no experience myself, but have read many times that after telling them something hard, your kids will probably come back with further questions, and it's important to tell them that they can always talk to you or ask questions about anything at any time.

I think that happened naturally and was age appropriate. They'll process it and it'll become normal. Your ex might want to schedule her meeting them now though it's out in the open. Not sure if you're prepared for that. Do the kids know her? I remember you saying you did.

I think you did really well there. A natural and honest conversation with them. They deserve the truth.

I'm not sure there's any need to tell LCB - he's only going to be mad at you for getting in there before he did. You shouldn't have to be putting up with that.

I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for you Onit.💐

Would I tell the LCB? No. You owe him nothing at all. And you certainly don't need to make him using this as the excuse to introduce the other woman any easier on him.

I don't think you could have done that any better.
I would tell LCB yes, but just matter of factly via email 'as a matter of courtesy just to let you know that the children were asking about our new situation this morning and in the course of that conversation I felt it appropriate to tell them....and then exactly what you told them.....I hope you are not angry about this but I didn't feel comfortable in lying to them when asked a direct question. Please let me know if you want further detail as to what I said to them and their reactions as that might inform your discussions with them on this going forward' something like that...then he can't complain you haven't been open about it.