Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

Sorry Onit, what a tosser, fighting (& paying sol.) for more contact then dumping them with his mother. I expect she raised her eyebrows.
he could have made more of an effort considering he has cancelled Monday.
So I agree keep all this in your little black book, what days they went & what he did with them. & id he cancelled why? in this case & holiday in Spain.
Your SHL will love it.
Sorry you wee boy is sad, I really feel the truth is the best plan. At least he will know why & what to expect. & no hope of an about turn. Poor little soul.
Meanwhile, onwards & upwards Onit, call some friends over for coffee & cake.... try not to be too alone.

His request about Thursday to Mondays every other weekend seems unreasonable. As PPs say he's not doing himself any favours cancelling contact or using sitters on both nights: keep records!

Depending of the timing of likely legal agreement on the DC and finances it might make sense at this stage not to incur his wrath by mentioning OW.

Good point Dowser, but he will be introducing her soon.

What a grade a twat. Were it I I would be gagging to see my kids if I hadn't seen them for a while, but going out with a friend and playing sodding squash. You've done the right thing in telling him DS is upset, and I don't see why he can't tell them he's going on holiday. I wouldn't tell them about ow yet-will they understand it? And I guess if they are already feeling rejected by him that might make it worse-not that it's your job to protect his relationship with them, but I know how good you are and that you will do so anyway.
What pp have said about recording all this. It's all power to your elbow when he starts bleating on about how he wants more custody.
I'm sorry you feel low onit. I wish we could make it better.you just have to hang in there, hang in there for grim life. And it will get better.
Here, are you anywhere near Glasgow at all?

I've been giving it a lot of thought today. I'm leaning towards suggesting he should tell our DC the truth about why he's not seeing them on Monday.
I came up with the same idea that he wouldn't feel the need to lie if he didn't feel guilty about missing a visit and didn't know he's putting himself and ow before his kids. But I'm not sure what to say to him.

But I've also rejected the idea that the DC need to know about ow yet. I don't think they'd understand and, given that ds at least is feeling, I don't know, rejected? He doesn't need to know that his daddy would prefer to go on holiday with his girlfriend than with his kids.

I'm pretty sure his squash game on Friday night wasn't a squash game. And I'm more than a little pissed off that he left them again on Saturday to go to his mates house for dinner. Obviously this was to introduce ow but did it have to be on his weekend?
I'm not saying using sitters ever is unreasonable. I've done it twice myself but I went out just before bed both times and was back around 11pm and here in the morning. And I have a weekend away with friends next month which is on my weekend. My dsis is coming to stay with the DC from Friday afternoon till Sunday afternoon. It was booked before the split. I wasn't going to go. I guess I have the luxury of seeing them more so I have less guilt and also I'm not lying to them about what I'm doing.

In the last year before we split we left our DC once for 2 nights to go away for the weekend with friends. This was where LCB started his affair with ow who was also there with her dh. And once when we went away for my birthday.

And, yes nigel I'm within an hour of Glasgow.

Oh Onit! I'm so angry on your behalf! What an absolute arsehole of the highest order!!!!!

What is he subjecting your poor kids to? Taking them away from u only to dump them on his parents as he's too busy fucking about!!!

Make sure u note exactly when he has seen them or left them on childcare when it's his contact time. He is obviously demanding more contact to restrict maintenance payment to you. Make him pay Onit! And stop covering for him. Tell ur kids the truth. Or one day they might turn against u as they need to be able to trust u.

Be strong and fuck him hard where it hurts. His wallet! And make sure ur kids know the truth as I'm sure they wouldn't want to see him. Y encourage ur kids to be involved in his sordid life???? Step up and take charge.

onit can you gently tell dc that Dad has a new friend and he's going to spend some time with his new friend?
What you don't want is your dc blaming themselves for the reason LCB isn't seeing them. DS is already aware that something's up. Kids aren't daft, they know when something doesn't add up. You've got to make sure that they don't come to a wrong conclusion and somehow blame themselves.
KOKO

You don't need to feel guilty about having a bit of time away onit-as you said you see them more than him, and you aren't prioritising that over them in the same way he is, and not on such a frequent basis. It's not the same at all-You don't need to justify it.
Plus you bloody well need a weekend away after the time you've had of it.
Nice that he started his affair on a weekend when you were there too. Mine also did this and it went on for 18 months before I found out-all right under my nose. I just wouldn't have believed it possible of him and more particularly of her-a woman who was one of my closest friends-and so I told myself I was a bitch and mental for even starting to think it and dismissed it as a possibility. People can just be really really shit is the lesson I've taken from it-I struggle to find a positive unfortunately .
How's the counselling going?

I'm in Glasgow in a few weeks-shall we meet for a coffee? Not a stalker-promise! (But then I guess that's what a stalker would say so it's no guarantee of anything!)

I'd love that nigel!
Pm me

Forgot to say when LCB Skyped on Tuesday he asked ds if he was still upset about "stuff" ds said no as he always does) and LCB said "you know I love you, don't you?"
"Yes daddy"
"Do you love me, ds?"

I almost grabbed the phone to hang up! Wtf is he thinking that's supposed to do? Ds I upset but please reassure me, the parent, that I've got nothing to worry about
I sent a reply this morning saying I think you should tell the kids the truth. I don't see how lying about where you are will make any difference to them. Call when you can.

His reply said he doesn't want to lie.
(Then why is this his first instinct?) that he doesn't want ds to feel like he's not there for him or thinking about him.

It occurs to me that this is who he is. And this is why we're in this mess. He didn't want to talk about his feelings. But no one else is allowed to feel what he doesn't ageee with. So ds shouldn't be anxious about school because schools great. I shouldn't be angry he fucked my so called friend because he stuck it out with me for years before actually having an affair. Ds shouldn't be missing his daddy because that's not what daddy intended by going out both nights on his contact weekend and booking a holiday for the following week.
Stuff for my counsellor I suppose.

Counselling is ok. I'm not feeling the benefit yet because it's like I have verbal diarrhoea in there. An hour's not enough time.
I feel like sending her the links to these threads and telling her to make notes

That's how I felt at first too-I had so much to get out. I still do sometimes.
You are right about him I think-have you been on that out of the fog website? Some great insights on there...I'll pm you :)

Haven't heard of that one nigel
I'll check it out later.

Thanks for that link Nigel. Something came up recently with my son who's severely disabled and it's opened up a right Pandora's box of upset. I rrally can be doing with that site right now.

Best wishes to you ohdear

How you doing onit?

Rough session with my counsellor today. Lots of realisation going on now which is pretty disconcerting. But par for the course so I'm told.

I was sitting waiting for my DC at their dance class this evening. MNing. Read a few posts on a thread about a woman with an EA h and 4 kids. Lots of familiarities down to when she described their sex life. A subsequent poster used the word the OP wouldn't, and I was hit with a realisation that I couldn't use the word either. But it was the right word to use.
There were many times I gave in after much coercion. But, in the last couple of years, there was at least once when I said no and he did it anyway.

I can't process this now. Not ready to. But driving DC home, I suddenly felt concerned for ow. And what she has to look forward to.
I'm not sure what to do with any of it. Where do I even start trying to reconcile this?

It's so hard. You just need to try and mentally 'park' it, until your next session. Counselling can bring so much stuff up that you didn't even realtor you had buried.its bloody arduous at times.
My only trick for getting through this stuff is to mentally tick off your blessings and list your positives, to try and block out the more negative thoughts. It's the only thing that worked for me.
I wish I could help you more onit...I hope it helps you a tiny bit to know that we are all rooting for you. I really believe you will be okay in the end, and that you have the strength to get through this.

Thanks. And you are helping nigel
I've put it to one side. It's been hiding in plain sight there for a while anyway. It's not like at the time I didn't know what had happened. I just didn't want to acknowledge it. Still don't but it will ultimately help my process to confront it when I'm ready to.

I'm in a good place despite this. And confident after my session today and what's come up over the last week, to start believing I can get through this.

Positives to add to my list this week are dd's bedroom is decorated. Ds's is nearly done. Bed is coming tomorrow.
Guys are coming to start my kitchen on Saturday which is exciting.
I'm getting a new boiler practically free because I'm on tax credits, hopefully before Christmas.
My DC are amazing and so loving. They are my strength. The embodiment of my hopes and dreams.

There's lots of great things in my life which I probably took for granted before but it never ceases to amaze me how this horrible, shitty, negative event has changed me into a much more calm, capable and positive person.

Exactly! You've come so far onit!
Good news on the decorating.ive had the paint for my kitchen for 8 months I really can't be arsed to start!

I really should take the time to go back to the start of my thread and reread it. I'm sure I'd benefit from seeing how things have moved on. And from revisiting what people told me about my relationship and LCB that I wasn't ready to see, I might have some more insight too. As I'm aware I spent a lot of time while he was still "dh" in denial/blind to what he was/had done.

However, my counsellor says I need to stop worrying about too far back or forward and try to live in the now which is good advice I suppose.
I guess it just means as things come to mind I need to note them down and talk it through in therapy.

And up till now I've been doing that here. This has been enormously useful therapy and I will always think that starting my thread at 2am, after I knew he was leaving, will be remembered as one of the best decisions I've ever made.

Onit, a few weeks back I said in one of my replies that you were married to an abuser and like many women you just hadn't realized it. I hesitated to post the reply because it was just a gut feeling I had and I couldn't really have made sense of a reply if you'd said to me in true Scottish style 'whit ir yeh on aboot hen'.

Anyway, I'm sorry it was true to the extent it was. There really are no words.

It sounds as if you've put together a fabulous wee home for you and the children and when I think of all of you in it I think of the tenement my mum took me and my sister to when she left my dad in the early 70's. She took us from a big house that had previously been a Manse and after a couple of months at my granny and grandads we moved into our wee flat. We had a living room, an inside toilet, no bath or anything, a tiny scullery for a kitchen that was only big enough for a cooker and a sink. My mums work top was the lid of the fitted in coal bunker under the window in the living room. It was also our window seat . And we all slept in the same bedroom. We took turns getting in with my mum each night. I was about 13 and my sister was 11. We just liked cosying in with her. Oh and we had strip washes morning and night in a big basin then twice a week we'd go to my granny and we'd all get a bath.

I love reading about your new home and I just know that years from now your children will think of it and their hearts will swell with love for you, and your new home, just the way mine does when I think of my mum and our wee flat 45 years later.

Not a bad idea to re-evaluate the past situation with your new knowledge.
I looked up an old thread of mine from years ago when I was very distressed and couldn't believe how much I'd forgotten about what actually happened.

Lovely that you and Nigel are going to have a meet up. Sounds an excellent idea.

Your ex is a twat of the first degree but as a granny I'd be over the moon to get my hands on my precious granndchilren if there was a split with the parents. In fact it happened in our family and I willingly babysat while my son had a night out...he was 21.
They must be so worried and wondering all the time if they are going to lose contact.
So from my point of view grandparents are allowed contact time but if he's parking them with a mate when they could/ should be with their mother. Then no, he's bang out of order and scoring points.

Bugger-I forgot to pm you! Will do so shortly!!

I've pm'd you (I hope -trying this out from mobile site-so hopefully it will have worked!)