Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

The realisation that my ex wasn't in any way what he pretended to be and that the issues we had weren't all my fault-some of them were but not all of them as I had assumed-hit me like a ton of bricks I have to admit. It's been very unsettling in a way as well as being positive.I'm still not sure where that leaves me in terms of applying that to the rest of my life as its a hard habit to break-always thinking your opinion and of yourself in general is worth less. Deep
In sorry about your mum too onit. That's very tough.

I didn't know about sociopaths. A friend sent me a list and he ticked a lot of boxes .

Re gas card bonnet. Are you not able to do dd. That's a very expensive way of getting your gas as I'm sure you are aware and with young children in the house you need to have your heating on.

My exh ticketed a lot of boxes. But you knew what I meant ;-)

I'm scared by the fact that, from his (wrong) perspective, I tick a lot of those boxes too, Dowser. And he started having counselling within a couple of weeks of moving out so presumably his counsellor will be reinforcing that. He appears to believe his own narrative so there's no reason for his counsellor to disbelieve him. From what I have read, narcs are generally immune to therapy because they believe their own lies and wind up manipulating their therapists.

I actually think it's ow who's the narc/sociopath/manipulator. But I know that's not (entirely) true. And I'm just minimising his role to make me less culpable too.
I think they're probably both at it to a certain degree with me and her dh. I certainly never noticed it before the affair started. And from what her dh has said to me, she's very adept at keeping him hanging on like a puppy.

I'm constantly questioning my past behaviour.
Did I do enough? When did I stop being good enough? What changed? Was it me? Was I using him? What could I have done differently? What choices did I make that pushed him away? What did I do that made him think I didn't love him?

I try to remember that, if I was a bad person, I wouldn't be questioning myself.

Strangely, I just had to rock dd to sleep (she's 5) because she was breaking her heart about being told off at school today.
Took a bit of digging to get to the root of the problem. Started off not wanting to go to school. She loves school.
She was so upset. Didn't want to tell me what she'd done. I told her that, if she'd already had a row, I wasn't going to give her another one. I asked if she'd do it again. She said no.
I just said that she was a good, kind and thoughtful girl because, if she wasn't, she wouldn't feel bad about being told off. That I loved her. Over and over. Till she fell asleep in my arms like my baby.
Then I came downstairs and sobbed my heart out.

Anyone can say someone is something they are not onit-particularly when it suits their narrative and helps them feel better about the crap things they have done. You are beginning to doubt yourself and whilst it's good to do a bit of self reflection-none of us are perfect and it's good to work on the bits of yourself that might not be so good-it's unlikely (judging by your posts and your actions) that you are so unbearable and awful to be around that he was forced to leave you for another woman and in the way he did.
You are correct-the most dangerous liars are those that believe the lies they are telling. They are very convincing and there is no arguing or reasoning with them. Your LCB can tell himself what he wants to about how awful you were to him, and how he has been the victim here. It's all part of the script.It doesn't really matter what he thinks anymore. What matters is that you don't start to believe it.
It's hard to not care what someone you were once so close to thinks.But once you begin to just not give a fuck what he says or thinks about you, you will find it to be weirdly liberating.

I believe from the bottom of my heart, that the very fact you are questioning your behaviour & asking could YOU have been the one that destroyed this, means you are NOT,
Empathy & introspection cannot equal "sociopath" in my book.
The time & care you have given your Dcs, putting them first & the love you showed your daughter last night, prove to me that you are very far from being a narc/manipulator...

So you have done deep look inside & you can be sure that no one is perfect, no one can control being ill, having to give up work, or become dependent on their partner.
So now, you need to continue your detachment mantra.....straight from the great Rhett Butler
"Frankly my dear I don't give a damn" ......

Looks like Christmas will be a fairly quiet affair. No grandparents. I asked what they were doing and she said she was doing Xmas. I wasn't explicitly invited but the implication was there. I said I hope she understood but I couldn't be there if he was there. And that I wouldn't be separated from my DC.
I invited her and fil to visit on Xmas day to see them but, as she doesn't want to drive through on the day, she said she wouldn't see the kids. Obviously sad about it but also obvious that my inability to be in a room with LCB was the reason for ruining her family Xmas.

As she was leaving I caught her out. She was saying goodbye to the DC and said "I don't know when I'll see you next" (we'd tried to arrange a date but she struggled with other plans) and I said I thought you had them this weekend? That's what the kids said when they came home from LCBs on Monday evening.
She got very flustered and tried to say she'd forgotten.
When she left I watched my family get smaller yet again

This was Tuesday. Been processing.

Have since discovered it's possible that she has been introduced to ow now too. Even more to process.
And also that a lawyers letter is on its way to me too.

I'm tired today. Have been on the couch since dropping the DC at school. I have that horrible, hollow feeling back.

Oh onit it's so hard. I'm having to watch as the woman in my case is parachuted into my life-some if my oldest friends socialise with them, his family are very supportive of her-because he has told them a lot of rubbish about me and failed to mention to them that she was once my closest friend....on it goes. I recognise the feeling you describe as I have it myself on and off.
There is no answer to it ex cost to add up what thy do have-overly kids, friends and build your new life from there...it sounds trite but it's the best I've come up with for me...
That's sad abori Christmas too-but what you suspected-so at least now it's confirmed. You will be able to plan your charismatic day now and make it a lovely-albeit a different one-for the kids.
If you fancy a 400 mile drive then you are welcome to mine-you can sit between me and exh and stop me from braining him with the turkey.
for you my my lovely-I wish I could make it better for you.

Thank you nigel for you too.
I can't imagine sitting at the table with LCB. You're a better person than me.
I assume ow will have my place now. And that's fine.

And, for the record, you do make it better.
I am so grateful for the support I've had here, especially since time has moved on. I appreciate the fact that strangers care enough to check in on a 5 month old thread and keep me from feeling I'm in this all alone.

Anyway, melancholy will not do. I have my DC and a friends 2 to collect in 10 mins from school. And I've promised some apple dooking. Also got to get all 4 to walk to town for our dentist appointment. That'll be fun. Not.
Melancholy at 5 when the LCB takes them away for the weekend.

Your family may be small onit, but it's perfectly formed
You now know not to expect them on Xmas day and in some way it may be better for you and the little ones, you won't have to anticipate their arrival, be worried or stressed by what someone may inadvertently say etc
You and the D.C. Can create your own little traditions together.
You are right to feel disappointed, I'm disappointed for you, but it is not a reflection on you or your worth.
When people do wrong it can become to difficult for them to face it..so they rewrite the story to suit them , it's how they justify things to themselves. It's probably difficult for his parents to see you as it's a reminder of what their son has done.
We wouldn't want them to feel awkward now would we?
People are generally so disappointing.

You're doing a wonderful job on it and I know you'll get through this Xmas ensuring your D.C. Have a wonderful time and put them first just like always.
I'm also 100% confident that you'll post here this time next year with a whole new life and outlook and very happy that you offloaded the lcb.
That is one told you so that I'm really looking forward to.

Onit, it hurts like hell to have it confirmed that any suspicions we may have had did indeed pan out the way we thought they would. But, and i know it's of no consolation at all right now - you at least now know how the ground lies with your in laws. And that there is indeed a letter coming from LCBs lawyer.

Everything you are thinking and feeling right now is normal - not that it will help you one bit or lessen you're pain to know that.

You come across as so nice. You don't think the worst of people. You had no idea how these things can pan out. It's better to be like you, than them. Don't ever doubt that.

Got a nice wee lawyers letter from his lawyer to mine today.
Apparently he's at a financial disadvantage.
Maybe I'd feel sorry for him if he hadn't booked a week in the algarve for the 2 of them next week. Means he's missing a contact day with the kids then too.
He wants his weekends to start on a Thursday straight from school till a Monday morning drop off at school.
My DC won't see me for almost 5 full days every fortnight! Fuck that!!! He's a fucking fruit loop if he thinks that's even remotely in their interests. My sons anxiety has all but vanished since he left the home. My children are happier and less troubled without him in their home.
Says it all really.

Don't know what your solicitor has said (I live in a city near you) but one I saw said in Scotland it's preferable for schoolbags to stay in one home? I'm hoping this is true?

I had that exact thing said to me by my lawyer hotwaterbottle1
And I told LCB that before the summer holidays finished.

Then hold onto that hope going forward.

Sorry about your inlaws. I guess they are in a difficult position. My inlaws have made no contact with me whatsoever since my exh told them in July we were separating. Funny how you can just be discarded after 23 years.

This Christmas will be the start of new traditions for you & your DC will embrace and remember these much more and longer than previous years.

I'm hanging all my hope on that and the other thing I was told, which was the Scottish courts don't like shared care. They like a resident parent and a non resident parent.

The way he's going on about money I honestly think he only wants them so he can limit his maintenance payments. I want to laugh about the fact he thinks £500pm is generous when it's 20% of his salary. Ill be earning about that a month and how much of that will go on my DC? 90%? More?
I fucking loathe the bastard. And I have no respect for anyone who can justify his behaviour knowing where he's put us and the huge drop in standard of living he's happy for his DC to be subjected to.
While he pleads poverty and swans off to the Sun for a week with his whore.
Yeah. His parents, his friends, his fucking lawyer even (I know it's her job).
I swear I'm wishing my dcs lives away ti they're old enough to see what he did to us all to satisfy his fucking midlife crisis.

Thats more good news then re residency thank you.

Have no words, pleading poverty but going on holiday. Out of order.

I bet his parents are not happy with him at all but feeling that family loyalty.

Sorry, you sound really upset tonight.

I am. I miss them when they're not here. What's worse is that they could be here because he's not even with them. He's taking ow to our best mans house to introduce her. And I'm not even sure he's going to see them tomorrow either. They're definitely staying at his mums tomorrow night too.

I've followed your thread from the start onit and have been blown away by your strength and dignity in the face of this unutterable fuckwit and his demands and wankery.

This arsehole who's turned all your lives upside down thinks it's appropriate to dump his children on his DM and swan about with his pisshead girlfriend, what a useless excuse of a man and father he is.

Thank goodness your DC have you, their lovely Mummy who has at every stage put them first, and I can assure you they will know this, maybe not now but when they're a bit older they will see him for what he is.

I'm also in Scotland and having watched several friends go through similar I agree with PP, schoolbags live in one house, your house, so let this LCBBB (that's Lying Cheating Baw Bag Bastard) request, demand and insist all he wants but i think in the end you will get exactly what you want, and him, well he'll get what he deserves, a lying cheating pisshead, possible piss the bed girlfriend, Well played dickehead👊🏼👊🏼👊🏼

Bawbag; not as accurate a description as cunt, but funnier 😂

A fine Scottish word😂

Onit, make sure that you document the holiday and everything else he is spending money on and pass on to your lawyer.

I definitely will.
He took her away in July too (though that was a work trip that she tagged along on). Spent £100 on theatre tickets while they were away though. Away again with her in August when me and the DC went on what should have been our family holiday.
And now going to spend more on a week in the sun with her.
He took the DC to a wigwam or something overnight at half term, which is fine but he can't plead poverty. He could just as easily have built a campfire in his garden to toast marshmallows and look like the perfect dad. And the DC would've been just as happy.

I've no idea of her contribution to their holidays. Maybe she's paying. Though I doubt she can afford it.

I am praying she gets shitfaced at your PIL at Xmas, & makes a complete dick of herself.
Ultimately detachment is the only thing that will make the hurt less, focus your life on you, & your family's future. Xmas decorations, hot chocolate & special time with them.
Detach. Detach.