Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

If you mean money Dowser, or help painting/decorating etc, then no
But, they've never been that way. Even when we were starting out. They're not short of a bob or 2 but, when their DC grew up, they were very much in their own.
I thought they'd be different with dgc in the mix but apparently not.

But no offer of looking after the GC ?

She offers but is not often available. It's always been on her terms.

It makes the loss of my own parents hit home because they weren't as well off and obviously were in poor health but they would've given us whatever they could afford (financially and in terms of childcare)

My inlaws never particularly offered help when we were married either onit.mow they are all over the DD's like a rash-very showy.its a bit pathetic tbh.esiecially as the DD's are a bit and neither particularly like Granny.
I just don't even give them headspace. I know it's different for you as you loved yours :(
I think that asking them to do something social with the DC is a good idea.
Have a hug from me an' all

So I texted my mil this morning. She replied a wee while ago.

She is coming on Tuesday. For a while before schools out and a bit after.

I hate that I'm sitting here questioning why it took all day for her to reply. Because it's ridiculous. I hate that I'm assuming she's spoken to him before getting back to me. When it's likely not true. Paranoia is not a good feeling.

Thanks for the hug, nigel

I'm glad she's coming over. It's a new stage of your relationship with her, so I really hope it goes well.

Well that's a positive.try and see it as such without looking too hard for the possible negatives. She may have discussed it with him-I guess I would if it were my son-she might think he's a shitbag-but he's still her kid I guess. But she's still coming.
I know it's easy to stress out about the potential negative sides to things-I struggle with this all the time and I don't practice what I'm preaching very successfully, but you have to try otherwise it will all weigh too heavy on you.
Keep going kiddo... You sound pretty down, and that's ok. I get it. I know how bloody hard it feels when you don't get what you deserve,and in fact get the total opposite.but I'm so desperate for you not to let this bastard take the rest of your life up with the misery that he's caused. You are better than that and better than him.

Onit, i hope I make a better job of my reply than yesterday.

That took a lot of courage and I hope it goes very well but please tread very carefully. You've been feeling very emotional about your in laws and Christmas and I'm worried that it's prompted you to make decisions that are not for the best though I do have understand all the emotions and thought process behind it.

Please have your wits about you next week. I do think you were correct to be suspicious of MIL taking all day to reply because I think just as you're unsettled by Christmas being around the corner - they are also. And I know you said she probably would not have contacted him but keep in mind that's your understanding of what would have happened previously. Its all very different for everyone now, even them as a family, and different dynamics will be at play here.

Are you feeling strong enough to continually say - Our Christmas is here at home.

Was there ever a reply from your husband to the email you sent regarding your Christmas Day plans? Do you know how he actually took it? Has he accepted it or is he sitting on a reply whilst working out his next move?

Please be very careful. Xx

I've not had a reply to my email re Christmas etc.

I'm not sure I will as I think he'll now go and see a lawyer. Though I'm also sure, after what my lawyer has said, that he'll come down to earth with a bump if he does because he is getting a decent amount of time with them, comparatively speaking. All his demands are "I want" and certainly not in any way focussed on what the DC might need.

I'm aware they miss daddy sometimes 😢 But when they talk about him I immediately offer a phone call or Skype. Often when I call him they don't actually say much and he seems to get annoyed about that. But, they're just kids. Conversations are pretty one-sided and, to be frank, he's pretty crap at it and it always sounds like it's hard work to him or he's distracted
But, I've got a couple of days now to cry and rage and work on the house. Its ds's birthday soon so I have things to plan for that too.
I'm starting to not enjoy the time I get but I'm not spending it in a total funk either. I'm realising I'm very secure about my DCs feelings for me so I don't need to worry they'll forget me or stop loving me.
My guess is LCB is very insecure. Well fucking tough

I'm not sure I have much to add on this dilemma, I expect she did discuss it with her husband & possibly LCB, (to be sure she wasn't going to get into trouble) I am glad you have tried. They have been almost your parents, & you can say that to her. Your IL's know you have been wronged, even if LCB has put a spin on why, they know he has left you financially in the shit. But he is still their son, & whilst they may have been upset & not condone his behaviour, he is still their son.
My take on the first visit, is to avoid talking about the actual split, tell her you are glad she felt you could still be friends (if not family), as whatever happens next you are the mother of her GC.
Do a detour of actually talking about LCB, just be yourself & try & focus on the kids. It's OK to cry, it really is, you are human, & have been so fair. They know this. Thank her for coming & say you realise for her it mustn't be straightforward.
Also beware that she may report back on the state of your house, if its a mess, if the kids are happy, if the look healthy/fed/clean....so keep upbeat, but natural.

Onit, that was my concern also. That he's been to or is going to a lawyer re Christmas plus whatever else he can think of. And I hope you're lawyer is correct that he'll come down to earth with a bang.

I was wondering earlier on if you could arrange to meet your MIL not at home initially as I think there is nothing to stop her, or you, from straying into dangerous territory talk wise and it could all go pear shaped. I thought I was being melodramatic so decided against saying it but would you be able to meet her at a cafe before picking up the kids and going home. Or even just meet the kids then go home. I think it makes for a safer 'not going there chat' because you'd be worried about people hearing.

Do you feel strong enough to just repeatedly say we are having Christmas Day at home, or I can't discuss Christmas Day - and all the more so because you don't know what LCB is up to with his silence. I'm just concerned that your very understandable emotions re Christmas and family are going to back fire on you because of initiating contact with your MIL. What would you be doing right now about it all if you hadn't met up with your SIL a few days back because it's that meeting that's prompted all of this.?

Re your husband being insecure. He probably is but I suspect his doggedness is more down to losing control of you than anything else. This is one very big power game for him.

Apart from organizing the birthday party and the other things you have to do - do you have anything planned just for you? Have you ever gone to the cinema alone for e.g.? I do it a lot. I love it. It's one of my very simple pleasures in life. Would you fancy giving it a try?

Agree to try and keep things light and warm with m-i-law at a pizza place or something...

If the subject of LCB comes up, and how he just wants to see the kids - you can reply with stuff like: Yes, an involved Dad IS best for the kids, and I'm actually so happy and relieved he's interested in them again, because for a good few months he was very absent because he was so busy with...pause..."work".

My guess is LCB is very insecure - all his own work!

remember LCB is a proven weak self centred tosser, he is influenceable, & he has his tart who will be adding her tuppence worth.

I would say, only if MIL insists about Xmas,
"I think he has already taken enough? He won't be alone, he has his family & his new lover. I deserve some happiness, & this is not negotiable." & move on to the another subject

What mix said. And birdy. Good answers just in case. But hopefully mil will be sensitive and will have some empathy with your position. I can imagine it must be quite hard to have a child that has done something like this-you would still love them and want them to be happy of course as their mum, but it would be hard to like them for some time I would imagine.
(Unless your my exh's mum who tells him frequently he can do no wrong, which actually might go some way to explaining his hugely entitled attitude to life, but I digress ).

I will practice reciting what birdy and mix have suggested. Thanks both of you

I am having my friends round tonight so currently avoiding cleaning/tidying for their arrival.
Also got the joiner coming back for another look today.
Think I'll feel less stressed when things start happening. ATM I feel overwhelmed but unable to do anything constructive.

Have a good weekend onit. It will all happen-it just takes time.

You're doing great and an inspiration to everyone here.
Less than 6 months in and look how far you've come.
I don't think I'd picked myself up off the floor by that stage.

All his running back and forth to lawyers costs money.stupid man

My friend ended up representing herself over custody and won . Her ex only did it to prove a point. His access visits dried up eventually.
The boy's step father has done a far better job.

How was your weekend onit?

Hi nigel
Had a decent weekend other than coming home after a lovely day out with a friend and our DC to a freezing house as I'd forgotten to top up my gas card

Not much happening really which is slightly unsettling as I'm assuming I'll be battered with something soon enough.

Had my first official counselling session today. Hoping she'll help me with stuff. Lots of issues to explore.

Mil coming tomorrow. I'll check in after that. DC back to school tomorrow too so been ironing non stop tonight.

Ah goo of stuff. I know what you mean about t being worrying when things are quiet.Its...unsettling.
Be prepared for the counselling to be hard work before it makes you feel better. I howled driving home from my first four or five sessions-and I still feel weird after them now 4 months in-but I can see that I am making progress of sorts so I'm sticking with it.marathon not a sprint innit?
Hope they have a good first day back...

Hope it goes well with mil too

I haven't cried yet but it's on the cards.
I think there's going to be lots about my mum as she passed away when dd was just 6 weeks old and ds was 20 months. I never really grieved.

I've been asked to think about our marriage. So I've been making a few notes of things as they pop into my head. It's more to explore the dynamic of our relationship. Where I accepted things, let things go, let him make decisions, etc. And why.
She's already convinced he's a narcissist and, from my perspective, at least since he started the affair, he's shown definite signs. But, I guess I'm looking for it before then and thats difficult as it reinforces the fact I was living a lie.

Onit my husband hid the fact he's a sociopath for almost 36 years. It's the very nature of the beast but thankfully, albeit very painfully, I can see it all now. It's not pretty. But it is actually better to know what you were very innocently dealing with because it's only when its worked out that you can be helped appropriately.

I'm sorry you are still so hurt about the loss of your precious mum. I bet there was no one like her. Xxxxxx