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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

980 replies

onitlikeacarbonnet · 20/07/2016 22:26

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

OP posts:
Dowser · 16/10/2016 09:49

Yes, birdys is the one.

That will take the wind out of his sails .
I also agree with ..no I'm sorrys and about information being kept to a minimum.

He's made his choices . Now he can go live with them.
What gets me is there's not one jot of remorse in him.

Well he has that joy to come.
Just like mine did.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 16/10/2016 11:15

Those of you with LCBs, how old were your DC when they found out/asked/were told about ow?

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 16/10/2016 12:52

When it came up. DD2 says she was about 6 because she asked. I never hid his shitty behaviour. I don't believe it's helpful to pretend his shit is shiny. I never made a song and dance about it though. Just plain facts to answer questions.

The only question I fluffed a bit was did daddy hurt you physically. I said yes but have never given more details.

Nanny0gg · 16/10/2016 13:59

And they will go to bed in their own rooms on Christmas night.

and Christmas Eve.

I'd like you to add 'And you can shove any other ideas up your arse', but that wouldn't be very constructive, would it? Blush

Where do these hideous, entitled men come from?

myfriendnigel · 16/10/2016 20:17

5 months after he moved out. They had found out from some kids at school as she is the mother of one of their friends and was my best friend-and there was a lot of gossip about it (and still is).

myfriendnigel · 16/10/2016 20:18

Oh sorry-answered a different question there-they are 11 and 9.

Dowser · 16/10/2016 22:04

Thank goodness no. He loved his kids and I would have hated having to keep splitting them between me and him.
The fights over our grandson were bad enough...it was a huge relief when he moved to Dubai.

Kittencatkins123 · 16/10/2016 22:57

I'd like you to add 'And you can shove any other ideas up your arse', but that wouldn't be very constructive, would it?

LOVE!

You are doing so brilliantly onit and agree - he's not clever, he's a pathetic deluded fool! (And an utter irredeemable cunt)

Wine Cake

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 17/10/2016 00:04

Thanks for all the input.
I've gone for a version of birdys

I also had my initial counselling session which was interesting and saw ow's dh afterward.

Need to sleep now though so I'll try to catch up tomorrow Smile

OP posts:
Dowser · 17/10/2016 00:06

Sounds a bit more positive...( I hope)

Hope you get a good night.
You're doing everything so right and I just feel he's heading for a huge fall.

myfriendnigel · 17/10/2016 07:05

Hopefully a huge fall off a tall building Wink

Kittencatkins123 · 17/10/2016 10:15

So pleased about the counselling!

I know things have been/are so hard right now but I also know you're going to end up happier than you ever thought you were!

Cake Chocolate

Kittencatkins123 · 17/10/2016 10:16

And a psychic told me I'm psychic so that's pretty much guaranteed Grin

myfriendnigel · 18/10/2016 18:05

How are you doing onit?

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 18/10/2016 21:04

Busy day with DC.
Saw my sil and dn. Asked if the family had discussed Christmas and it would appear that me, if not my DC, are not part of their plans. I cried. But I don't think sil understands why I'm crying. She said she understands it'll be "hard" as my first Christmas.
I don't know what I expected.
I guess LCB had said he'd be expecting the DC to be with him for part of the day. And now I get to be the bad guy to them too as I'll be keeping the DC from everyone, not just LCB. I said I wasn't prepared to leave the house on the day but my only wish is for the dcs day to be as normal a Christmas as possible with them seeing as many people as possible that they would normally see.
Hopefully sil will tell mil that I want them to be part of dcs day, however that's possible. I got particularly upset when I talked about them missing out on seeing the DC open their presents. Mil at least has been there every Christmas since ds was born.

And so it goes.

I'd be amazed if I hear from any of them again. I'd also be amazed if ow isn't introduced to them all before Christmas now. Especially if none of them make an effort to visit on the day.

I might have it all wrong (I hope I do and I'm just sad) but I am prepared for the last time I saw my mil to be the last time.

OP posts:
myfriendnigel · 18/10/2016 21:45

Sorry onit. That does suck. One of the worst parts of this kind of situation are the people you start to Lose as well as your husband. Hopefully they will want to maintain a relationship with you-but I guess he is their relative however much of a shit he is and so they will begin to prioritise him a bit at some point. If they are half way decent they won't want to have anything to do with ow just yet, but I suppose they will in the future-and yes, that will hurt like hell.sorry my love.
I truly hope your mil realises how hard this is for you and cares for you enough to think about you, especially this first Christmas. I think she might-give her chance to anyway before you right them off.
Thinking of you lovely onit-these are the hard yards. You are (still) doing great, even if you don't feel like you are.

AgathaF · 18/10/2016 22:21

I am prepared for the last time I saw my mil to be the last time - I really hope this isn't the case. If you have a good relationship with her, and your DC do also, then I think it is worth your persevering with maintaining the relationship. This is new ground for all of you and will take some getting around, but hopefully it is possible to maintain some contact if that is what you all want.

I was thinking about your car earlier. Is LCB trading his car in for one of similar value to the one you have bought, and, of course, giving you half of the trade-in money?

PurpleThursday · 19/10/2016 00:09

So sad to read that post. I know it is impossibly hard but just sit on it if you can. This is a bloody tough phase that will DEFINITELY pass. I think they (in laws) are stuck in a hard place at the moment, but I do think your relationship will recover, there has to be a blip - if nothing else they must be utterly embarrassed at how their son has behaved. Hang in thereBrewCake

ohdearme1958 · 19/10/2016 05:27

Onit, without wishing to upset you - but your in laws being part of your children's day is only going to complicate your determination to have the children all day.

You can't have it both ways and there really is no way to dress that up.

I'm sorry you're going through this heartbreak.

MrsDilligaf · 19/10/2016 07:23

Onit,

I'm so sorry that it's hard for you with your in laws, there really aren't any words Sad

Would your MIL meet you - just you and her - do you think? It might help you both establish your new normal. Explain to her that you understand that her loyalty is with LCB (sad but true) but that you have valued her in your life and that both you and the DC would like to have a relationship with PIL aside from that of LCB.

Don't even mention Christmas - it's emotive at the moment. But maybe arrange to go out for the day - walk in the woods, winter picnic etc.

I would just say that while it's absolutely fine to be factual with her about how you feel try to keep emotions to the bare minimum ie "I'd hate to think that we can't continue to see you" instead of "LCB is a fucking twat and I hate his guts, please don't abandon us"

((Hug))
yeah I know it's not the done thing but sometimes you need a hug

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 19/10/2016 09:40

MrsDilligaf that's how I started off. Said I wanted to stay in their lives with my kids but wouldn't talk about him because I understood they'd always find ways to forgive him. And my fil said this back to me when I saw him (just that once).
I think last time I saw her I made it plain, without mentioning him, that we were on our uppers. And her optimistic "it'll just take time" to get our house lovely comments were not handled too well by me.
It was before I got the money back from the solicitor who handled our sale and purchase and I had all the plumbing issues. And I just kept saying that time wasn't going to help when I had no money Sad
So I wasn't overtly saying "your sons a twat" but it was very much implied.
She's not an emotionally available person. She was obviously upset when this all came out but, it's done now. Brave face on.

Agatha he traded his car in for one similarly priced to mine (I think) but his original car was worth about 4 grand less than his new one while mine was much more. He'll have had to add a few grand to buy his new car.

OP posts:
Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 19/10/2016 09:41

MrsDilligaf thank you for the hug. I do need it Sad

OP posts:
Mix56 · 19/10/2016 09:54

Onit that is so hard.
Just for info, when my B left his wife, mother of his 3 children. My mum & dad remained good friends with their X DiL, I am still friends with her, & she & her new bf come to stay. She continued to visit Mum, up till her dying day .
I also am friends with my brother & accept his new wife,

Could you pop round for tea at their house with the kids, & say hello ?....maybe call & say, "I've missed you, would you be up for it" ?

ohdearme1958 · 19/10/2016 10:44

Onit, Ive re-read my post and it sounds harsh. It wasn't my intention. My apologies. I should have in fact known better because even now I will sometimes do something and I get upset when people think I shouldn't have. Sometimes it's just bloody hard. Especially when there are feelings in the mix. It seems you can't do right for doing wrong.

Dowser · 19/10/2016 10:55

And no offer from her or fl for some practical help bonnet

:-(

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