Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

My only observation is that, if she filled the hole that was created when he walked away from his family, he would care a lot less about his wife taking the last £50 from the joint account

Go you!

Its also the fact you've coped so well. You weren't supposed to do that you naughty girl!

How's this for a suggestion. ( I'm a bit of a grab the bull by the horns sort of a person, so I know my style won't suit everyone.)

So plan a . Say to him
The children will have Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with me . You can pick them up early on Boxing Day .

Keep it short and simple. No explanations

Plan b..wait until
he says what contact he wants for Christmas and it doesn't sound like your plan a...then repeat plan a above.

Horrible man
Feel free to pick holes in my plans.

I had an email to wake up to this morning.
I've spent the first 2 hours of my day replying and still haven't sent it

You are under no obligation to reply to him at the soonest. So let it rest for now. It will also help you to batter away at the key board, compose mails the length of a roll of wall paper - then go back to it hours or even a few days later and whittle it all down to a very basic reply.

Do not ever send an email whilst in an emotional state.

I have c&p it below with a few changes to avoid putting myself completely though I think at this point it's probably obvious to anyone who knows me even a little
I would be interested in your thoughts too.

I agree we need to discuss this and I'm sorry I haven't responded before.
I have made decisions on some of the points so I will reply in order that if we must meet, it will keep that meeting brief.

I don't think it's in the DC interests to spend an overnight away from home during the school week.
I told you this even when I said we could review it.

I also think the evidence we were given at parents evening from both teachers proves that we are doing it right at the moment with both children.
Therefore, I won't be agreeing to overnights with you on school nights.

For the same reasons, I won't be moving their classes to after school either as it is obvious that Dd can't handle a later bedtime. When we trialled the after school class it was clear to me they weren't going to cope.
I do not want them going to school tired and grumpy and less equipped to learn.
Obviously, after school classes would make weekends easier on us both but it would not be best for the kids.
This had originally been a suggestion of mine to try and drop weekend classes. To give us both more freedom to plan weekends. I'd still like to do this but it's obvious to me it's not possible yet

I understand you wanting to see them. Of course I do. It would not be my choice to give up time with them. But, this is the situation we find ourselves in, and the kids health, education and happiness are my only concern.
And they are happy, healthy and learning.

I'm still considering options for Christmas. And have been since June.
It is extremely difficult.
I am not able to discuss specifics right now but this doesn't mean I'm deliberately avoiding. I am considering what will be best for the kids and me on our first Christmas in our new home, and I haven't made that decision yet.
The only thing I know is that I will not be spending any part of Christmas Day away from my children. Santa will be coming down the chimney here. And they will go to bed in their own rooms on Christmas night.

I'm aware that your dm and ddad, dsis and family have had their usual Christmas plans changed and your mum is likely to be anxious about this.
I'll speak to your mum and sis to see what they'd like to do soon.

I'm very sorry that you've made it impossible for me to contemplate inviting you into our home for even a short time on Christmas Day even though this may be what the kids would like.
It is not a decision I have made to punish you (though I'm sure that's what you'll think).
I just refuse to punish myself.

You will have your time with them over the holidays. I'm sure you won't be inviting me.

What's he wanting this time...or is it too private.

Thanks ohdear
It took a few months for me to get that
Which is why I still send them out for editing

Feel free to crop it some more.
I've done a fair bit myself as you say; the frantic, angry reply helps to vent but is not conducive to a happy coparenting relationship.

Xpost dowser

Do you ever wonder how he managed to hide his true self for so many years.
Just said to dh that I'm glad my kids were grown and exh eventually left the country after we parted.
It wouldn't have been nice or pleasant and incredibly stressful for me. We got into loggerheads over our grandson.

They turn into self, self, self.
I actually knew if ever we split that he would turn nasty because of he way he behaved with some business clients. I just never expected it to happen .

You'll see your day bonnet. Without wishing him any ill will, you will definitely see your day.

Love your reply about Christmas. You've said it much nicer than I did.
Excellent.

I also like the...I refuse to punish myself.
That's a right smack to the chops for him and it's your home too so he can't have any claim on him feeling like he ought to be there.

Well he'll definitely see his day on that one. Be sure to have something lined up for Boxing Day though for yourself.
Don't want you sat at home feeling sad.

I do wonder dowser

But I remember him being gleeful about managing out a staff member who had a bad sickness record (as I did in my work at the time) and saying I was glad he wasn't my manager.

As it turns out, I think that's what our relationship became to him. And it's certainly how he conducts his dealings with me.
I have said to him he's my husband not my manager. And that I'm not his employee. And that he can't bully me just because he's smarter than I am.

That's the thing. If I gave up time on Christmas Day I'd be alone. He has lots of other options for Christmas Day. He can be with her. You know, the person he put before his DC every other time he had a long lunch with her and wasn't home to see them before bedtime for months.
Or he can go to his parents. I can't do that. I'd love have his family here like always but my new house is too small to host them all like we used to. I will still invite them though, I think.
I'd love to go to my parents. I can't. They're dead. And this situation has made that fact hit home more than standing in the crematorium watching their coffins slide into the fire ever did

I know. I remember you saying you had no parents. I can't remember if you said you had any siblings. I hope you have some good friends who will welcome you into their home or a single friend who would be glad to spend Boxing Day with you.
Thing is to plan it now.
I'm not a huge fan of Christmas. I always worry about people on their own. I hate the way the country practically closes down for two weeks.
One year we started some major building work on Dec 27. The builder decided to fit us in out of the blue.
I took a load of outgrown toys to a woman's aid shelter on Boxing Day when a woman and four children turned up and they were frantically trying to sort her out with everything shut.

This was 30 years ago. I hope things are better now.

So yes plenty of forward planning. My friend chooses to volunteer serving lunches to homeless people on xmas day as after her husband died she couldn't bear a family xmas.

Onit

A couple of things...
And that he can't bully me just because he's smarter than I am

He's not smarter than you lovey. Not by a long chalk. He is a stupid stupid man who is a bully. IME bullies are not smart but they use their blustering and self importance to appear smarter.

Your email is great - but take out every "I'm sorry. Don't apologise to LCB. EVER!

You're doing great.

but take out every "I'm sorry

I was also going to suggest this.

I also think you need to add they will be sleeping in their own rooms on Christmas Eve just in case he tries to get you on a technicality and says - Ok, I'll have them and bring them back on Christmas morning for their presents. And yes, that could be me overthinking it but with this guy I think you have to cover all bases.

Sorry, I would take out the last line. Just in case he does invite you as part of some game.

I think it was a good response. Send it then don't think about it any further for a few days or until he replies.

I'd take out the Im sorrys too.

Today 10:30 onitlikeacarbonnet

I have c&p it below with a few changes to avoid putting myself completely though I think at this point it's probably obvious to anyone who knows me even a little shock
I would be interested in your thoughts too.

I agree we need to discuss this and I'm sorry I haven't responded before.
I have made decisions on some of the points so I will reply in order that if we must meet, it will keep that meeting brief.

I don't think it's in the DC interests to spend an overnight away from home during the school week.
I told you this even when I said we could review it.

I also think the evidence we were given at parents evening from both teachers proves that we are doing it right at the moment with both children.
Therefore, I won't be agreeing to overnights with you on school nights.

For the same reasons, I won't be moving their classes to after school either as it is obvious that Dd can't handle a later bedtime. When we trialled the after school class it was clear to me they weren't going to cope.
I do not want them going to school tired and grumpy and less equipped to learn.
Obviously, after school classes would make weekends easier on us both but it would not be best for the kids.
This had originally been a suggestion of mine to try and drop weekend classes. To give us both more freedom to plan weekends. I'd still like to do this but it's obvious to me it's not possible yet

I understand you wanting to see them. Of course I do. It would not be my choice to give up time with them. But, this is the situation we find ourselves in, and the kids health, education and happiness are my only concern.
And they are happy, healthy and learning.

I'm still considering options for Christmas. And have been since June.
It is extremely difficult.
I am not able to discuss specifics right now but this doesn't mean I'm deliberately avoiding. I am considering what will be best for the kids and me on our first Christmas in our new home, and I haven't made that decision yet.
The only thing I know is that I will not be spending any part of Christmas Day away from my children. Santa will be coming down the chimney here. And they will go to bed in their own rooms on Christmas night.

I'm aware that your dm and ddad, dsis and family have had their usual Christmas plans changed and your mum is likely to be anxious about this.
I'll speak to your mum and sis to see what they'd like to do soon.

I'm very sorry that you've made it impossible for me to contemplate inviting you into our home for even a short time on Christmas Day even though this may be what the kids would like.
It is not a decision I have made to punish you (though I'm sure that's what you'll think).
I just refuse to punish myself.

I'd change this to something like

Today 10:30 onitlikeacarbonnet

I have c&p it below with a few changes to avoid putting myself completely though I think at this point it's probably obvious to anyone who knows me even a little shock
I would be interested in your thoughts too.

I agree we need to discuss this and I'm sorry I haven't responded before.
I have made decisions on some of the points so I will reply in order that if we must meet, it will keep that meeting brief.

I don't think it's in the DC interests to spend an overnight away from home during the school week.
I told you this even when I said we could review it.

I also think the evidence we were given at parents evening from both teachers proves that we are doing it right at the moment with both children.
Therefore, I won't be agreeing to overnights with you on school nights.

For the same reasons, I won't be moving their classes to after school either as it is obvious that Dd can't handle a later bedtime. When we trialled the after school class it was clear to me they weren't going to cope.
I do not want them going to school tired and grumpy and less equipped to learn.
Obviously, after school classes would make weekends easier on us both but it would not be best for the kids.
This had originally been a suggestion of mine to try and drop weekend classes. To give us both more freedom to plan weekends. I'd still like to do this but it's obvious to me it's not possible yet

I understand you wanting to see them. Of course I do. It would not be my choice to give up time with them. But, this is the situation we find ourselves in, and the kids health, education and happiness are my only concern.
And they are happy, healthy and learning.

I'm still considering options for Christmas. And have been since June.
It is extremely difficult.
I am not able to discuss specifics right now but this doesn't mean I'm deliberately avoiding. I am considering what will be best for the kids and me on our first Christmas in our new home, and I haven't made that decision yet.
The only thing I know is that I will not be spending any part of Christmas Day away from my children. Santa will be coming down the chimney here. And they will go to bed in their own rooms on Christmas night.

I'm aware that your dm and ddad, dsis and family have had their usual Christmas plans changed and your mum is likely to be anxious about this.
I'll speak to your mum and sis to see what they'd like to do soon.

Your actions have made it impossible for me to contemplate inviting you into our home for even a short time on Christmas Day.
It is not a decision I have made to punish you (though I'm sure that's what you'll think).
I just refuse to punish myself.

God sorry my post gone mad!

Ignore except my suggestion for last paragraph!!

take out the sorrys
Never apologise to that twat for anything.
Otherwise a good email

I can't remember if I've mentioned either but I've got an appointment with a counsellor on Sunday.
I'm also supposed to be meeting owdh.

I will need to pay for counselling but it's a concessionary place so hopefully not too much. There is no provision in my area for NHS help and the waiting list in the neighbouring area is almost 6 months

I have a dsis, bil and grown up dnephew. They also usually come to us for Christmas lunch. There's just no room now much as I'd love for them to come. But, I also don't want to spend the day cooking and not see the DC.
I'll be getting everything ready made to just chuck in the oven. I certainly won't be fannying about with sprouts and sausage meat. Might just do chicken.
If I thought the DC would eat it I'd get a Chinese

I have invited my cousin for the day. She's on her own but would usually go home but she has long running issues with her dad and sm so I think she's pleased to come here. I've invited her in the past but she always declined. I think she struggled with the big happy family when hers wasn't like that
Now we can be sad together once the DC are in bed.

After this Christmas I'll be working and I'll be having them
Christmas Day then too. I'm only guaranteed Christmas Day off and usually work Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. He will just have to get used to it.

His email was assuming we'll move to 50/50 care when I return to work too. He really is fucking delusional! I will never, ever agree to that.

But, i do need to go into work to discuss my options with my boss soon. I expect I'll feel more secure when I have an idea of what that will look like.

Late to this, but my suggestion would be ALWAYS to keep communication short (and dismissive). Don't look like you care. And take out the 'I thinks', with a bastard like this one, don't give wriggle room. So:

Thanks for your mail.

Its not in DCS interest to spend an overnight away from home during the school week. I told you this several times.

The evidence we were given at parents evening from both teachers proves that we are doing it right at the moment.

I won't be moving their classes to after school either as it is obvious that Dd can't handle a later bedtime yet. I do not want them going to school tired and grumpy and less equipped to learn. The kids health, education and happiness are the key concern. And they are happy, healthy and learning for now.

I am still considering what will be best for the kids and me on our first Christmas in our new home. I will say that I will not be spending any part of Christmas Day away from my children. Santa will be coming down the chimney here. And they will go to bed in their own rooms on Christmas night.

I'm aware that your dm and ddad, dsis and family will all be anxious about arrangements so I'll speak to your mum and sis to see what they'd like to do soon.

There is no way I want you in my home for even a short time on Christmas Day. It is not a decision I have made to punish you (though I'm sure that's what you'll think).I just refuse to punish myself.

Birdy's is the one.

I try to keep all correspondance down to 2 sentences. Less to beat me with later. You'll get there too eventually. But I've been divorced for 8 years and mine is as mad as fuck.