Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

I got the draft letter from the lawyer today. I've made a couple of amendments and did a bit of digging into my shares as I hadn't had any info from my work.
I realised that all but a handful of my shares predate my marriage. His "share" is probably just over a hundred quid. But when he's arguing over less than £25 I guess he'll want it regardless.
I've had the demand for half the trade in of my car too with the £25 added on
I'm not replying. Obviously the lawyers letter will get to him soon enough.

Today's texts have been about our holiday arrangements.
He made requests and I agreed to what he asked although I did ask to swap a Wednesday for Friday. He has them 5 nights and I have them 6. And although he managed to restrain himself from putting them in the text, he did mention the stats showed he obviously wasn't getting half the holiday.

Now he wants to discuss the next holiday and ongoing contact i.e. Christmas

If the schedule we have continues as it is, Christmas will be his weekend. I won't be parted from my children on Christmas Day. I won't.
I understand he will feel this way too but he chose to split our family. I'm being punished for his decisions every single minute of every single day and I won't be punished on Christmas Day.

What can I do/say when this comes up? I don't want to split the day either as I think the DC should be allowed to open their presents and have the chance to play with them and not be removed to go elsewhere. And, selfish of not, I don't want to spend any of our first Christmas in our new home alone. Which is what will happen if he takes them.
He won't be alone as he has ow, my pil and his dsis and her family.

Sounds like you enjoyed your first day though, nigel.

Christmas isn't counted as part of the normal routine in anyone's book that I know off. So if he starts using that he can get to fuck to be honest.
Refuse to let him have them. Suggest a compromise around Boxing Day and Christmas Eve if you must, but you can and should say no to Christmas Day this year-as as you rightly say you didn't ask for any of this. He can attempt to take you to court if he wants-would probably cost him more than 25 quid though

So he has them 5 nights of the holiday and you have them 6...but it's an uneven number so one of you was always going to have them more? Unless what, he proposed to get them up at midnight and split the spare one?
Jeeeesssus!

I'll admit I'm burying my head in the sand over discussions about contact. Partly because I know he's so unhappy about it so he will be angry and, partly because I just don't have the strength to face it or him.
He is so entitled. It's hard to argue with that.

So, how do I do this? I can't ignore it.

I think you need to think what's best for the DC. I think you just need to ask what he proposes for Christmas. It's tough but I can see both sides and of course the children's. I'm the one splitting up our marriage (not for om) but don't see that this makes me any less entitled to see my kids Christmas Day. What do you think your DC would like? To see both of you?

You don't have to decide anything about Christmas just at the moment. And remember, you now have your solicitor at your back. Think through (as opposed to worrying about) the various possibilities, including what he proposes (if you know - but I wouldn't ask him yet). Don't reply to any proposals with anything more than "I'll think about that." You'll be discussing this in the future through your solicitor, anyway.

Onit I too am bracing myself to have the Christmas conversation.
Dh left me in August. The dc live with me and spend two nights a week with him.
We were due to go to my parents for Christmas this year and I am working up to telling him that I am still taking them regardless of what he wants/says.
The dc are desperate to spend Christmas Day with their grandparents as they make a really big thing of it and it is a real proper Christmas.
Exh and I have agreed we will buy big presents between us and smaller Ines on our own, st least for this year. In my head I had planned in asking him if he wanted to come for early breakfast Christmas Day and watch the kids open their joint presents and then go. I think I am being pretty reasonable there. However, when I mentioned it as a possibility to the dc they were dead set against it. Neither of them want any joint time. They say it feels to weird and will upset them.

Onit, don't get into any discussions with him about Christmas until you've had advice on the matter. It's also one good way of not replying to him the moment he snaps his fingers. And I think he forgets that i50-50 isn't always that in the exact sense.

To be frank he's sounding more and more deranged 5 nights, 6 nights, isnt exactly half. You do know you weren't supposed to have coped as well as this and this kind of nonsense is your punishment. And I can't but help feel he's going out of his way to do the 50/50 thing so he can say to people I treated her very fairly - I made sure everything was done exactly 50/50. It's still all about him.

Take your time and step back from the Christmas malarkey.

Hotwaterbottle you say you don't see why you should go without seeing your children on Christmas Day yet you're the poster who's determined not to have her children even pop in on the weekend their dads supposed to have them because you need your 'me' time.

I wouldn't be taking advice from you.

Oh dear, yes of course I should stay in a loveless potentially abusive relationship & stay unhappy forever just so we don't have to share Christmas. And why on earth should I not wish some me time. Please show me one parent who does not feel like that! I hardly think one night a fortnight is too much to ask?!

Sorry onit should not have risen to an attack from a random on your thread.

*Oh dear, yes of course I should stay in a loveless potentially abusive relationship & stay unhappy forever just so we don't have to share Christmas.•

This has absolutely nothing to do with reply.

He can act as entitled as he likes but you don't have to let him disrupt their Christmas or force you to be on your own at an incredibly emotional time after an incredibly difficult few months. That's just cruel.

You can try to appeal to any small scraps of humanity left in him, but failing that just tell him to fuck off, he cannot make you do anything, it's your first Christmas after the split that he made happen and any decent person would let you have that one small thing JESUS.

I violently despise this horrible selfish heartless prick.

I've ended up having to agree to have Christmas at my house with ex and DD's. He proposed them having half of it at my mums with me and the other half at his mums with him with some awful handover at a half way point in the middle.
They didn't want that (they wanted to go to my mums for the lot, as did I), and I thought his idea would be shit for them. So as much as I think it will be crap for me I will have to brave face it and have it just the four of us at home. I wont even be able to drink through it as if I did I wouldn't guarantee being able to keep my temper.
I don't think you are at the point where that's even a possibility onit, rightly so, and so when you feel ready you need to say firmly to him-' my thoughts on Christmas this year are that I have them-it's been an awful time and this isn't something I would have chosen.what you have decided to do has been really hard on us all, so I'm hoping that this Christmas at least you will have some compassion and not argue it. You can have them X and y time around Christmas' and see what he says.
And yes also talk through with the lawyer as well. If this is stressing you or then do it sooner than later-get it off your to do list.
Hotwaterbottle-it's the first Christmas since onits h left her for a woman she thought was a friend.she has been hugely reasonable with him whilst successfully sorting out the mess he left her in and getting some security in place for her and her kids. Her life has been turned upside down. I wouldn't argue that her h should never see his kids on Christmas again, but this one, the first one-of course he should allow that without arguing.all of this has been his choice. And if that's the same for you then I would advise the same the other way around. It's hard and it's horrible. But probably worse for the person who didn't choose the situation, assuming there was no abuse involved as a catalyst for them leaving.

I've ended up having to agree to have Christmas at my house with ex and DD's. He proposed them having half of it at my mums with me and the other half at his mums with him with some awful handover at a half way point in the middle.
They didn't want that (they wanted to go to my mums for the lot, as did I), and I thought his idea would be shit for them. So as much as I think it will be crap for me I will have to brave face it and have it just the four of us at home. I wont even be able to drink through it as if I did I wouldn't guarantee being able to keep my temper.
I don't think you are at the point where that's even a possibility onit, rightly so, and so when you feel ready you need to say firmly to him-' my thoughts on Christmas this year are that I have them-it's been an awful time and this isn't something I would have chosen.what you have decided to do has been really hard on us all, so I'm hoping that this Christmas at least you will have some compassion and not argue it. You can have them X and y time around Christmas' and see what he says.
And yes also talk through with the lawyer as well. If this is stressing you or then do it sooner than later-get it off your to do list.
Hotwaterbottle-it's the first Christmas since onits h left her for a woman she thought was a friend.she has been hugely reasonable with him whilst successfully sorting out the mess he left her in and getting some security in place for her and her kids. Her life has been turned upside down. I wouldn't argue that her h should never see his kids on Christmas again, but this one, the first one-of course he should allow that without arguing.all of this has been his choice. And if that's the same for you then I would advise the same the other way around. It's hard and it's horrible. But probably worse for the person who didn't choose the situation, assuming there was no abuse involved as a catalyst for them leaving.

I do understand all that & do agree he has been beyond awful and onit should not suffer but think Christmas is more about the kids wishes and they may want to see their Dad. Even if it was for an hour.

I've already decided to agree to whatever he wishes this year as I know he is hurting. However my DD has said she refuses to go to his Mums if that's what he decides. It's tough.

I can't even begin to ask my DC about Christmas. They're 5&6. Of course they want to see their dad but, as they are too young to understand the implications and effect on me, they can't make that decision; and shouldn't.
This is an adult decision.
If LCB had acted with any compassion towards me since he stuck his dick in my friend, I might be more inclined to let him past my gate. I am not an unreasonable person. But I have been hurt, not only by his actions leading up to our separation but repeatedly, and cruelly, by his behaviour since then.

I'd give ANYTHING for my kids to have a family Christmas. But he has made that impossible. Am I supposed to sacrifice yet more of myself for him to have his cake and eat it? I doubt I could sit in a room with him pretending to play happy families for longer than a few minutes without breaking down. How that can possibly be in my dcs interests is beyond me.
My DC will have a Christmas with me, then they'll have a Christmas with him. I actually think they'd find it odd now for us to be in the same place. It's parent evening tonight so I guess I'll get an insight later.

FWIW we had numerous christmases without my dad when we were younger (from say 4 till about 8) and we never gave it a second thought! When you are a young kid you are just excited about xmas/accept the status quo? We were anyway! Also
I think you can sell in the idea of two christmases pretty easily to children!

Also yes, LCB has made things impossible by hideous behaviour and callous treatment. You can't behave like that and think there is no fallout from it.

Hugs to you onit

That's how I see it happening kitten
It's not like they ask where he is at any other time. Why would they on Christmas Day?
He made his choice. If he didn't think through the implications on his life with his DC that is no ones fault but his own.
It's his family and mine I feel for as his actions will mean his parents, my sil and her family will miss out on their Christmas tradition too.

I guess I just have to sit down one night soon and decide what will work best for the DC and me. And he can agree or not. At the end of the day, he can hardly accuse me of restricting access. He'd have had all the access he wanted if he'd kept his midlife crisis on hold till he ended our marriage like a grown up.

He is presumably happy in his new relationship. My only observation is that, if she filled the hole that was created when he walked away from his family, he would care a lot less about his wife taking the last £50 from the joint account.

He got the email from my lawyer at lunchtime today.
I have to see him at parents evening later

Best of luck for parents evening with him onit. Don't engage about anything but kid practicalities even if he starts.its not worth it.

I'm fairly certain he won't. He's a coward above all else. And he's been coached into a "charm offensive", asking the teachers lots of questions and "being a superdad"

Grit your teeth. Mine does this. It's infuriating.

He really is a piece of work!