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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

980 replies

onitlikeacarbonnet · 20/07/2016 22:26

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

OP posts:
myfriendnigel · 08/10/2016 09:25

No shame in taking sleeping pills-it's essential that you get some rest as otherwise you can think straight and everything seems so much worse.

balence49 · 08/10/2016 12:06

Just read both of your threads. Had to comment. What a twat eh! You are amazing and you and your kids will be fine. Keep doing what you are one day at a time. I wouldn't be meeting to discuss anything when he clearly has no intention of doing what's best for the children, or indeed you, you know his wife!!

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 09/10/2016 10:46

I have a question about handling phone calls from LCB to DC.

He calls almost everyday they're with me. No set time. I'll get a text usually to say he wants to call, when's convenient?
Frankly, it's a pain in the arse. I don't want to hear his voice, DC usually don't want to speak (so I feel obliged to try to cajole them when its the last thing I want to do)
It's excruciating listening to the conversation as the DC are so little they don't really get it yet and he seems to get mildly irritated up to extremely pissed off, that they don't just drop everything to speak to him.

What does everyone else do? Set times? No contact while with other parent? (Not sure I'd like this for me or him tbh) as and when DC ask? (Again I don't like this idea as they never ask about their dad when they're with me but I know they do with him as I've had calls and texts and photos sent. I know LCB will be assuming they ask but I'm just withholding)
Ideas?

OP posts:
PurpleThursday · 09/10/2016 11:01

I would ask him to have a set time to call. In my experience the kids lose interest in these phone calls, you can then be blamed for not 'encouraging' them to talk to them even if you are trying your best!! I think his need to call will fade anyway. Hope you are ok.

myfriendnigel · 09/10/2016 11:41

Mine will tell me when he's going to ring or ask when convenient. He knows their routine well enough to know when that's likely to be.
However if he calls and for some reason it's not convenient I dont jump to answer anymore-I felt a lot of pressure to do that and it was doing my head in at the beginning-so I iusually text him and say ring back in an hour-which he then will and I don't need to answer the phone-the kids will- which means I don't have to speak to him.
Set times might be the way to go but even that can sometimes cause issues as it feels like you are still on his schedule a bit.

myfriendnigel · 09/10/2016 11:42

Mine will tell me when he's going to ring or ask when convenient. He knows their routine well enough to know when that's likely to be.
However if he calls and for some reason it's not convenient I dont jump to answer anymore-I felt a lot of pressure to do that and it was doing my head in at the beginning-so I iusually text him and say ring back in an hour-which he then will and I don't need to answer the phone-the kids will- which means I don't have to speak to him.
Set times might be the way to go but even that can sometimes cause issues as it feels like you are still on his schedule a bit.

giagindi · 10/10/2016 07:29

My ex and I facetime our daughter at 7pm - whoever isn't with her. I don't talk to him, and I don't try to carry the conversation for her anymore (I used to); she's 6. She'll usually talk to him for a couple of minutes but if she doesn't want to talk she'll say so. She usually speaks to me for about 20 😉 Maybe set times would work for you - for use this is after dinner but before bedtime routine. And you can say to him that if they don't want to talk (to him, or you when they're at his) he's to accept it - the calls are for their benefit not his. You ARE doing so much better than you think. Hope you got some sleep.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 10/10/2016 20:26

I've just received another email from LCB.

To be fair to him I've essentially been ignoring the bits I don't want to think about and he's just asking how I want to proceed.

I've drafted a reply which says

Due to your continued attempts to change our previously agreed terms, I've been advised not to discuss these matters directly with you any more.
You will soon be receiving a letter from my solicitor.

Is this ok?
I'm shaking again and scared what will happen

OP posts:
ohdearme1958 · 10/10/2016 20:43

Yess, thats perfect, but I dont live in the Uk so Im not familiar with the ways so to speak and I think others my quite rightly advise you remove the following Due to your continued attempts to change our previously agreed terms

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 10/10/2016 20:46

Ok. I can see why that might be inflammatory.
It is why he's forcing me to go through a lawyer though AngrySad

I just want him to fuck off and leave me to rot.

OP posts:
ohdearme1958 · 10/10/2016 20:55

On it, I get it. I really do. And to be honest you're like me - you tell the truth and you explain why you are doing things. And thats what you're doing in the mail - you're explaining. I think thats what people may pick up on and advise you against - explaining.

Is it inflammatory? Ive no idea. Honestly. Again it goes back to you offering up explanations to him.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 10/10/2016 20:59

I don't know what he thinks!

I'm just feeling paralysed as I'm so frightened I do or say the wrong thing.
I won't reply tonight anyway but I don't want to ignore him completely.

I should've asked my lawyer how long the letter would take to draft Sad

OP posts:
ohdearme1958 · 10/10/2016 21:07

Onit, I understand. Honestly. Flowers

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 10/10/2016 21:42

I'll wait till tomorrow and send it without the first bit.

My guess is it'll be taken as a threat regardless of what I actually say anyway but best not stoke the fire more than necessary Sad

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 10/10/2016 21:58

Given how bullying and controlling he is I'd ignore it. In my experience attempts to placate don't work, and just allow the dysfunctional dynamic to continue. You are paying a lawyer, let them deal with it.

You don't owe him any heads up on your plans, and he's bound to harass you in an attempt to undermine your resolve. If you must reply simply say you'll be in touch by..date your lawyer sends letter.

He dumped all this on you remember. The less you pander/engage with him the stronger you'll be. And I do know how difficult it is!

Clutterbugsmum · 11/10/2016 07:05

I'd send it as is.

Whatever you say he will be angry/obnoxious because he wants what he wants at that time of day and unless you comply completely. He see's you as irrelevant and only looking after your children when he can't or he has 'better things' to do.

I know it will cost money but I think you really need to have a complete water tight contract so he can't change him mind every day.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 11/10/2016 07:45

My friend has said to just ignore. The lawyers letter will arrive soon enough.

I have to organise ds's birthday party today. Book it, get invites, ds and I will write then after school.

He's happy enough with a bouncy castle at the local sports centre so cheap is but it means I'll need to cater it Hmm

I actually want to just curl up in a ball today and cry on the couch Sad

When does the world stop spinning so fast? SadSad
I'm so worried about adding work into this mix. How the fuck am I going to cope?

OP posts:
mysistersimone · 11/10/2016 12:32

I've just spent a lot of hours reading your threads, you are an amazing woman and I think you're doing great.
Do you have any nice cafes near you? Could they do some party catering? There's a couple near me and they do cheap and cheerful sausage rolls, sandwiches and crisps etc. If not just bulk buy ready made and pour on plates Wink

I want to leave my husband. He's uncaring and a heavy drinker. You inspire me that whatever gets thrown out way we can tap into our woman and mother power and charge forward. I have a DS and DD too, similar ages, it give me insight in what to prepare for

mysistersimone · 11/10/2016 12:33

Ps, you will cope lovely lady, because it's do or die and those gorgeous kids of yours fuel your do

myfriendnigel · 11/10/2016 12:40

I know how you feel onit.i had to meet my ex yesterday to discuss finances and it made me massively anxious to the point of being sick beforehand.logically I know that's ridiculous-but it's the power dynamic between us and the way I usually crumble because he is more self assured than I am. And the fact that i feel strongly that if I fuck it up then that's it.
I would ignore the letter.he can await response from your solicitor.it won't kill him to wait for a few days and you are not beholden to respond to him just because he's said he wants you to.
Make the decision to ignore and then do not think about it again until he gets and responds to your lawyers letter.
Work may help weirdly. I'm not the best person to advocate it as I managed to lose my job when my situation was very new (as was the job). It was too much all at once. I am going back to work (different less pressure job, tomorrow). I'm
Nervous (as hell) about it.but I'm hoping it will now be the distraction I need and the chance to proof myself-to myself-again.
Maybe it will be the same for you.

ohdearme1958 · 12/10/2016 04:06

Onit, you'll cope with work. You just will.

Re the party - can you order in pizza?

Wallywobbles · 12/10/2016 04:32

Say you'll pay bouncy castle but he can do food. And that there are 400 small children and there parents coming.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 12/10/2016 09:11

Good luck today nigel

OP posts:
myfriendnigel · 12/10/2016 17:39

Thanks duckie. It went ok! I've got first day exhaustion now though Smile.
How are you doing onit?

Cary2012 · 12/10/2016 18:01

onit, if you're worried then don't send an email at all. You don't need to tell him your solicitor will be in touch, because, well the solicitor will indeed be in touch!

You've done amazingly but must be drained by all this. I'd advise you limiting contact and letting the solicitor deal with him from now.

Take care, you're doing well