Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

You are not being grabby, devious or selfish. You are trying to do the best fit your DC which he has left behind to a revolting, selfish LCB. As you say, you're not even allowing yourself as much as a new effing bra - everything is about ensuring your home/life is as good as it can be for your DC during a very traumatic time that is entirely his fault.
I would spend time outlining this to him, and I'd also be dropping in some choice phrases from the texts to OW you've seen.
HE is the grabby, selfish and devious one - perhaps he needs a reminder.

*best for

Everything kittencatkins says xxx

onit you are an inspiration. Keeping going.

Good plan onit-lawyer first, get the advice then decide. Not based on what LCB has said, not based on what you are worried he will say-but based on what you want and what will be best for you, within the realms of what the lawyer has said you can do.
I know you want it all done and it all to go away. The quickest way to achieve that is to get the legal advice, ask for what you are advised to, as bolshy as you can bear to be (screw your courage to the sticking place for that one), and then get the agreement signed off.
It's one last push onit-and then it's done.Try not to think about him, his reaction to any of it, how he's feeling. It's not your problem anymore.
Or what kitten said about him being an irredeemable cunt

Sorry! My phone has gone crazy.
I also want my mum. It's natural to feel like that after going through such an awful time.In fact ive just spent the last hour googling houses where she lives and then ones like mine here to see I can afford to move nearer her. I hear you. I wish I was nearer-I would come and make you tea and tell you you are doing great.

I'm having a bad time.
I can't sleep and can't stop crying. I'm scared I'm going to wake the DC.
Tried to reach out for some rl help but friends are all busy. Not that I was in this state earlier.
I'm so tired.
So tired

Oh Onit.... You've been doing great!!! Defo got your big girl knickers on.. Even if they are too big!

Congratulations on your wonderful new life without LCB ... !

Onit, I'm up and about where I live and if you're still distraught I'm here to keep you company.

Everything you are feeling right now is sadly perfectly normal considering what you're going through. Just let it all out, don't bottle it up. The tears will pass. You will feel a bit better for this. Xx

Hope you got a wee bit of sleep onit and today is a better day, those horrible moments will gradually become few and far between and you will look back and be just as proud of yourself as we are

Get the legal stuff sorted and iron clad then the dickhead (I don't know what LCB stands for) can't decide not to pay you without a lot of trouble.

Morning onit.
You ok?
It's totally natural to feel like this-you have had such a big thing blind side you and done so much.and you've held it all together so well. So well. You are bound to feel tired and low-the adrenaline you were running on has dissipated a bit and that's when the crash happens and everything looks very grey.
Did you get hold of any of your RL friends?

Dd woke a little after I managed to fall asleep. Ended up in my bed again as I don't have the energy to sit with her till she goes over in her own bed.
Result this morning is 2 miss cranky pants. Early night to be enforced tonight. Myself included if possible.

I had another email from LCB yesterday evening. He's still pushing for discussions. I've told him I don't have time this week though will meet briefly to close our joint account.

Negotiations for October holidays should be simple enough. His proposal wasn't ridiculous and I've only tweaked it a little.
He's still pushing to reduce my maintenance payments since I don't have a mortgage anymore.
I will argue that I only don't have a mortgage because he left me virtually barefoot and penniless with very few options of what I could afford to buy. I based my decision to buy on the income I believed I'd have till I returned to work and, had I known he would move the goalposts, I would not have moved. The 'extra mortgage money' is still a necessary income stream in order for me to upgrade the house o bought to a standard the DC and I are used to. Including replacing the 20 year old boiler and decorating the dcs rooms.
The bones of the house and the location is perfect. it was a good buy but doesn't mean it's not still going to cost money. It might not be in the form of a mortgage payment but this is still necessary to provide a home for the DC.

And now he's asking for overnights during the school week.
I haven't answered this either as I'll be discussing with my lawyer.
I'll neve give in to that. I told him that he'd never be able to convince me that the DC will benefit from a night away from home during the week. And I was advised that the Scottish courts like school bags to live in one house.
I guess that's one for the lawyer.

onit... where abouts in Scotland are you--- a wee clue may help, see if l am near you to help?

Hey onit! You are amazing! The odd wobble now and then is no issue, your whole world has turned upside down. Yes, run everything past your lawyer

That's really kind of you inlectorecumbit
I'm in WL.
I'm just a bit emotional. I don't actually think there's much anyone can 'do'.

Gypsy the odd wobble was fine. But this wobble has persisted beyond what I consider wobbling. I think I'm down and really struggling (don't want) to get back up
I don't want to eat, im not sleeping, I feel unwell and lethargic, Im incredibly nervous about money and I'm drowning in everything I have to do (my lists have lists), I'm becoming ratty with the DC and can't see an end to this constant, gnawing ache in my heart that my DC deserve better than the parents they've got.

They deserve better than him. They have got the best they could have in you.
Would now be the time to go to the dr do you think? I identify with what you say about how you feeling-it's exactly how I felt-still feel sometimes. You have been through a trauma, and it's understandable that you would now be a little off balance, and probably a bit depressed. Who wouldn't be? It's now that the dr can help, if that's the route you choose to go down, because sometimes we can't do it on our own. I delayed too long in asking for that kind of help and it has taken me a long time to begin to feel well again. Maybe if I'd gone sooner I wouldn't have got so low.Time for some self care onit-t doesn't have to be medication-I've been doing CBT and it's helped a bit-surprisingly so-I didn't really believe in it before.

He can wait until you feel ready to meet and negotiate with him. It's all for the lawyer actually. They will look at your incomes, your potential to earn, your outgoings, and can suggest a fair amount of maintenance.its not for him to decide what you can and can't live on. My ex has (still) a hard time getting his head around that. Mediation helped a bit, but what allowed us to really make progress was him being told by his own solicitor what I could potentially ask him for and what I was likely to get if it went to court. I don't think yours will listen to you, so you do need the lawyer now to do the talking for you.

I'm thinking of you onit-not that that will help over much-but I'm really rooting for you.

This is a dark night of the soul - but it will pass. Just tread water till tomorrow when you see the solicitor.

I subsisisted on Weetabix (ok also on coffee cake).

Soup was my saviour. And slim fast milkshake oddly enough. It tastes quite nice when you aren't forcing yourself to only have it for diet purposes.

Thanks everyone.
I've had a shower and I'm back in bed. Though I need to get up and turn off the water and heating.
My rl friends all work and have families of their own or live too far away for visiting.
I have to go out to get done sockets and a couple of light fittings as a friends dp is coming at some point to replace/add more in the DC rooms before I decorate.

I was thinking about phoning the doctor. I went about a month after he left and said I was ok apart from the sleeping. Now I'm not sure that's true anymore 😢
It's just another thing to hate him for. I've been off ads for the past couple of years and definitely thought I was over that since losing all the weight and getting physically healthier.

I feel like I'm going to walk into the lawyer tomorrow and say start from the beginning.
Why I ever thought I could do this alone is beyond me and why I've persisted in trying to communicate with this selfish robot; im so scared about using everything I have to pay for a lawyer 😢
I can't do this without a net and I'm essentially taking it down by myself to pay for something that is so intangible.

onit have you been to your gp? Not surprisingly your symptoms sound like depression. Even if you didn't want anti d tablets perhaps you could be referred to talking therapy or even a mild beta blocker to help with the panic?

Sorry x post!

Trying to calm down to a panic in order to phone the doctor.

I need to go out and I can't stop crying.
I was crying walking round tesco the other day.

Oh you poor love. Your posts have made me cry. I can feel your pain.

Just take some deep breaths.

This is a normal part of the grieving process. You've been running on overdrive and now your body can't do that anymore, so is forcing you to slow down. Listen to your body.

I know you want a new kitchen and the kids rooms decorated but they really don't need toto be done. You need to pare down to essentials.

See the lawyer and pass everything over to them. Stop letting your arsehole ex bully you and just tell him you are too sick to do anything and to contact the lawyer.

Just do the bare minimum. Feed the kids, cuddle, watch movies, go for a walk everyday. It will all sort itself out eventually. Xx