Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

If I didn't like him so much, it would be great . But, she's not worthy of him. I hope they both end up alone and shafted. But, I suspect that, even if it all starts to get a little bit shit for them, they'll stick it out. It appears they're both good at lying to their partners about their true feelings while resenting their every breath. I hope they both get a chance to experience it from the other side. Maybe then we'd see something resembling remorse or compassion.

Like who, the OWdh?
I doubt it was remorse making her cry with him.regret at the loss of an easy lifestyle maybe-manipulation to ensure he goes easy on her perhaps...crocodile tears most likely. Poor man if he's still falling for it after all this time.

I'm not sure it makes any odds what the reason for divorce is anymore, other than the principle of it kind of thing, but I may well be wrong.

I've lost my nerve.
I have emailed my lawyer for an appointment but I just can't do the thing with the car. I'm a total wuss.

I can't do it. I mean, I could, but I just don't have the cajones to actually do it.
I don't even have the nerve to ask my lawyer about it.

I have just read through this thread and I am so sorry this happened to you. But I think you are facing things really well, despite the heartache. You have an inner strength about you and I'm sure that when everything is settled you and your children will have a very happy life again. Good luck for your future.

You do have the balls to do it. Look what you've done already! Plus you have all the posters in this thread behind you. Think how great you'll feel having felt you couldn't do something and then finding out you could and you did!

Come on now girl...dig deep and gird up your loins.
You're not going to give in now.
The end is in sight.

Crack open that extra reserve of fuel you've been saving for a moment like this.

Well it's here and now.

Think of Popeye and his spinach.

Get it down you.

Just remember....you've got good on your side. You'll come out smelling of roses and him....well ...let's just say what goes around comes around.

I've told my story on here so many times...exh estranged from his beloved daughter for 6 years and her beautiful children.

He died a terrible death too and was by our standards quite young.

It's all to play for.

Come on now onit. All you need do re the car is talk to the lawyer.then decide.break it down into more do able bits than trying to tackle it all on one go on your own.
Getting the appointment is first step, next step talk about what will
Be fair including re car, next step, decide etc etc....
I know (I really do) how hard it is to have to find grit you didn't know you had to fight against someone that until recently was the person you would have supported above everything, but you have to- because otherwise you will be selling yourself short forever more. What can he actually make you do? Very little. He doesn't really have a leg to stand on.
Tell yourself over and over-'he hasn't been bothered about me at any point in this, so I need not be bothered about him' It's taken me months to get to the realisation that my ex simply couldn't care less about me. At all. All those years married, the kids , the life we had-it counts for nothing at all with him.He doesn't care About the effect his actions have had on me and will likely have in some ways forever more. He simply doesn't care. And now I've finally totally realised that it's easier for me to feel the same about him. I'm hoping you will get to that point too.Then it seems less nerves wracking to push for what is fair.
You've done so well onit. We are all so proud of you (Internet stranger ). You absolutely have this.

Think about if the boot was on the other foot and LCB had the more expensive car. Do you, for one minute, think that he'd split any left over money from trading it in? Do you?? I don't. I think he'd say it's his car, in his name, and he needs the money for something else.

So why are you bending over backwards for him?

Come on now. You can do it. You need every penny you can get your hands on to support yourself and the DC, to make your house a more comfortable place to live, and also to try to keep a tiny nest egg for if and when stuff go wrong and needs replacing.

I've gone back to the dealer and said I just can't get the numbers to work. I've gone for a cheaper car. It's ugly as sin and older than I'd like but it puts more money in my pocket from the trade in.
I have an appointment with my lawyer on Thursday and will arrange to pick the new car up after that.
I'll base my decision on what the lawyer says I can/should do with the cash back from the car. Also need to know what I should say when LCB presses for the meeting to discuss lowering our maintenance payment.

My gut is to not get drawn into negotiations with him. He's smarter than me and will have had time to formulate his argument. It's an argument he is determined to win. I have struggled to focus my mind on it and really just want it all to go away and leave me and the DC to get on with living our lives and get our wee house up to a standard were all used to and will stand is in good stead for the next few years.

I wish you would rethink the car because if you do have to hand some of the balance back to him you are giving him more by having a now much cheaper car than you planned a few days ago. Could you at least hold off on a final decision re the car for another few days.

Previously you said he dealt with the finances when were together. Something about you didn't ask questions about something because he was dealing with all the finances at that time. Can you see that he is still dealing with the finances?

Oh and your new car - the older it is the sooner you'll have repair bills so this car really is a false economy.

have struggled to focus my mind on it and really just want it all to go away and leave me and the DC to get on with living our lives

And he knows that. And it's why you have to let a lawyer handle this now.

I've just read through your thread from the start. You're doing so well, what a long way you've come. X

Onit please go back to the original car plan. Let's have a think about what this lying cheating bastard has done. He gave up on your marriage without telling you so you didn't even have the chance to fight for it. He didn't fight for it. He took the easy, selfish LCB route of finding someone else. He was dishonest about that. He betrayed you and your DC to the point of actual NEGLECT when he failed to give a shit about your DS being in hospital and wanted to leave your DD AT HOME ALONE so he could get his disgusting end away with an alcoholic moral-vacuum tramp. Then when he finally admoitted to what he'd done HE BLAMED YOU AND THE FACT YOU'D BEEN SERIOUSLY ILL FOR HIS DISGUSTING BEHAVIOUR. He ditched you and your beautiful children for said alcoholic moral-vacuum tramp causing you all huge amounts of emotional distress and pain. You have had to move DC from big lovely home into small not as lovely (yet!) home and now you are downgrading the car for an ugly old piece of shit because you are too nice and good a person and want to be fair to this UTTER IRREDEEMABLE CUNT.

FUCK LCB! Get the car you and your kids need and keep the effing cash and spend it on effing ice cream and balloons if it takes your fancy!

One step at a time.
Discuss financial situation and possibilites on Thursday with lawyer (including car).

That's the next step. In the meantime, you could make a list of what you want/need to ask/tell lawyer, and add to it as things occur. But no point in more detailed thinking until you have more facts - thinking without facts is really a kind of worrying.

My Ex was determined to win, as well. He didn't. I thought I was crap at finances - turns out I wasn't. Both these things acheived with the power of MN :)

Onit please go back to the original car plan. Let's have a think about what this lying cheating bastard has done. He gave up on your marriage without telling you so you didn't even have the chance to fight for it. He didn't fight for it. He took the easy, selfish LCB route of finding someone else. He was dishonest about that. He betrayed you and your DC to the point of actual NEGLECT when he failed to give a shit about your DS being in hospital and wanted to leave your DD AT HOME ALONE so he could get his disgusting end away with an alcoholic moral-vacuum tramp. Then when he finally admoitted to what he'd done HE BLAMED YOU AND THE FACT YOU'D BEEN SERIOUSLY ILL FOR HIS DISGUSTING BEHAVIOUR. He ditched you and your beautiful children for said alcoholic moral-vacuum tramp causing you all huge amounts of emotional distress and pain. You have had to move DC from big lovely home into small not as lovely (yet!) home and now you are downgrading the car for an ugly old piece of shit because you are too nice and good a person and want to be fair to this UTTER IRREDEEMABLE CUNT.

THIS^^^. Onit please return to the previous car plan, please. I know that it's such a headfuck to believe that the person that you thought had your best interests at heart DOES NOW NOT and IN FACT wants to rip you off as much as he possibly can. It's so so hard to come to terms with that FACT but please remember that so many of us have been here before you, and lived it and are out the other side thriving and have learnt from our mistakes.

As to what to say to him when he pushes for a meeting, "My lawyer says that's not appropriate", rinse and repeat when he tries to bully you, question you, etc etc. Remember HE CANNOT MAKE YOU meet with and talk to him, so just DON'T. Yes it's hard standing up for yourself but imagine us all standing behind you when you do it cos we are there in spirit if not physically. xx

Sorry for more shouting

Onit what benefit is there to you for swapping to an older car that will need money spending on it much sooner? If there is a real advantage then fair enough. But if not then please don't do it. Don't commit yourself until you've spoken to your solicitor.

Regarding his meeting - just decline. Tell him to put everything down in an email so that you have time to digest and consider it. Please don't discuss this stuff face to face with him. For all the reasons you've written here. He's a headfuck and he'll walk all over you. Minimise that risk by not meeting with him, getting everything in writing, and giving yourself time to consider and get advice before you respond.

Good plan onit-lawyer first, get the advice then decide. Not based on what LCB has said, not based on what you are worried he will say-but based on what you want and what will be best for you, within the realms of what the lawyer has said you can do.
I know you want it all done and it all to go away. The quickest way to achieve that is to get the legal advice, ask for what you are advised to, as bolshy as you can bear to be (screw your courage to the sticking place for that one), and then get the agreement signed off.
It's one last push onit-and then it's done.Try not to think about him, his reaction to any of it, how he's feeling. It's not your problem anymore.
Or what kitten said about him being an irredeemable cunt

I'm so confused!
I want a decent car. The older one is still decent. It'll be fine as my mileage has/will drop considerably. If I change my mind again the dealer is going to think I'm a total fruit loop 😳😩
The older car is a better option as it'll put money in my pocket which will pay for my kitchen.

I don't want to be this person. This grabby, devious, selfish person. All the things he wants to believe I am. I hate this whole situation now. Why does he have to do this?
My friends dh/dp's keep saying that he should be just giving me what I need to get set up alone. I'm not sure how much gets do that if they were in LCBs situation but, I suppose at least their dw/dp's have this as evidence if/when they ever (God forbid) find themselves here. Tbh, it's what I would've expected from LCB. My cousin said that he did an excellent job of impersonating a decent guy.
I miss that guy. He'd take care of me now. I just want someone to take care of me. I don't have my parents anymore and my friends have been amazing but I'm finding myself alone so much more now the holidays are done. They have jobs and families and other commitments. And I'm reverted to being crap at asking for help.

I want to curl up in a ball now and cry all day. I want my mum

Doesn't matter what the dealer thinks and while you'll get a short term gain from getting the kitchen sorted, every time you get in the car you'll feel crap and sad you let this utter toad dictate to you.

You can do this. How much do you need to get the car and kitchen situation that you need? How much are you short?

Onit have only just stumbled across the thread and don't have any real advice but you mentioning your boiler made me remember this. It could be worth you looking to see if you qualify.

I don't really know. The kitchen is priced but I've only got a basic installation cost. It'll need more than basics as I'll need the ceiling and lighting/sockets done (it's currently got a suspended, polystyrene tile ceiling 😩 and 2 single sockets) and probably plastering on at least one wall where we ripped out the integrated fridge freezer (which was broken) and a hideous breakfast bar arrangement.
Hopefully the floor and tiles can be salvaged.
My guess is £4-5k all in.
2k for the boiler.
Got someone coming to look at the roof which, if it needs doing will be another £2k.
If I keep £1k for contingency, that's 10k 😩
Decorating can happen over time. One room at a time.

It's all worth doing. It means it's done and it's not money I'll need to spend again. But it hurts. I have enough to cover that, just.
But, if LCB lowers my maintenance, I'll struggle

Thanks insan
I'll take a look.

I guess I'm in survival mode.
I want to secure my home and get it the best it can be.
But I'm afraid of not having a safety net. Or a big enough safety net.
It's weird; I'm planning spending thousands on getting the house done but I can't bring myself to buy a new bra or jeans that aren't 2 sizes too big.
I'm trying to sell stuff. Facebook, eBay, gumtree.
I'm hoarding cash too. Like a little old lady with it under her mattress
I don't know this person I've become. I don't like her very much. And I hate having to spend all my time with her.

Onit, we're never too old to be wanting our mum. I'm almost 60 and still want mine.

I think when you feel lost and lonely and scared it's good if you can embrace the feelings and tell yourself it's ok to feel this way. I don't have to be a brave soldier all the time. I used to deny myself the feelings and it didn't do me any good.

Oh and what you said about your husband looking after you. I have a feeling that further down the line youre going to realize quite a part of him looking after you actually was him controlling you.

And isn't it strange that he's now gone in to a woman with issues. I suspect over the last few years you've had a growth spurt in your development and he couldn't cope with the more adult version of you. It's why he's now hitched up with someone who has issues. She'll be more likely to let herself be controlled than I think you were in the not too distant past.

Onit - the new 'us' can be very scary to accept. But I can promise you this - you are going to love yourself if you can just pluck up the courage to look in the mirror and say 'hi there'

Xxx